eating disorder v 2.0

December 23, 2007 10:06 PM

How can I be there for a friend with a reoccurring eating disorder?

Ok my best friend of 17 years used to have an eating disorder- anorexia and over exercising specifically. Things got bad our sophomore year of college (approx. 5 years ago) after she had put on the freshman 15. For a year she went from a healthy 120 to 85 pounds at a height of 5'2'. After a year of freak outs from her friends and family alike she realized what she was doing to her body via her doctor and a counselor and went back to a more healthy and realistic lifestyle. Things to know: she is very type A, somewhat introverted and has a very, very supportive network of friends and family. However she is not very open emotionally and never has been.

She just got married this year and dropped some pounds for that, but I guess I didn't think too much of it since a lot of people try to lose weight for their big day. However, I saw her tonight and she is tiny- I would guess she is 95-100 pounds.

I am obviously concerned but know I can't change someone else and she has to be ready to see what she is doing to herself in order to successfully move past this. I really want to be there for her as a friend but am unsure of what to do- do I say nothing? Do I cry and tell her she can't do this again?What is the best way to talk to her about this if at all?

I have always been loud, and fairly blunt about all issues we have faced in our long relationship but she is very shy, non-confrontational, and reserved and this does not an open conversation make.

I have never struggled with an eating disorder and would mostly like advice on how she may be feeling and what she may want from me in this crisis version 2.0

posted by janelikes to grab bag (11 comments total)

The next time you see her, give her a hug. Tell her that you can't believe how frail and breakable she fells as you're embracing her, then sit her down and talk to her about it. Now. Tell her she looks unhealthy. Repeat. Tell her you're genuinely concerned abut her weight, you can't bear to see her like that, and it's breaking your heart. Repeat. Don't over-encourage her to eat. Do ask her is she'd like you to help her find a doctor to help her work out her obvious problem, then, regardless of her answer to this, ask a doctor (yours, maybe) for recommendations on seeking someone specializing in eating disorders.

Above all, be supportive, but please talk to her about it. Now.
posted by Item at 10:25 PM on December 23, 2007

If you're in the states, here's a link to a bunch of eating disorder helplines. Give one or more of 'em a shot - they're experts.
posted by Item at 10:36 PM on December 23, 2007

I look forward to reading the answers along with you because I have a sister who suffers from something similar.

May I suggest asking her about her health first without suggesting a diagnosis? When I mention anorexia to my sister a wall goes up, as if I am criticizing and accusing her. It would be terrible if she cut you off.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 1:05 AM on December 24, 2007

If she truly is 100 pounds, that's a BMI of 18.3, which is only .2 points below the "normal" category. (95 pounds would put her at a BMI of 17.4. )
You've probably checked this data yourself, but at least you can take heart that the problem hasn't reached an extreme stage--yet.
posted by Gordion Knott at 2:59 AM on December 24, 2007

My formerly eating disordered self would have loooooved to hear about how concerned you are. When people told me how sick I looked, especially when they used words like "frail" and "breakable", I heard "SUCCESS!" in my head and kept on losing weight.

I don't know. I know that if you said those things, it would be totally heartfelt and sincere, and I'm not saying you shouldn't say them. Frankly, I have no idea what you should say because there was really nothing that could have been said to me by my friends. The people who told me I looked awful only fueled my twisted thinking. The people who cried and tried to tell me how I was breaking their hearts made me feel so guilty that I used my eating disorder as a coping mechanism to deal with how much I was hurting them. There is nothing you can say, probably. There wasn't anything anyone could have said to me. The only people who could get through to me were doctors, and even then it took awhile.

I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her about it, just warning you that the things you say will definitely not be processed by her brain in the way you meant them. I think the fact that she's been through this before changes things a lot, actually — it really takes out the element of secrecy, and opens up more possibility for you to talk to her in a direct manner. You know her history, and you worry. Maybe simply ask if she's still seeing a doctor and/or counselor.

The one thing you really can do for her is insist on being there for her. She probably will try to cut you off at some point. Keep in contact with her anyway. When things really got bad in my case, I went through a miserable, awful year during which I burned every bridge in sight. And at the end of that year, I was intensely grateful for the people who insisted on loving me anyway. Keep calling, keep talking to her, even when she doesn't want you to.
posted by adiabat at 3:14 AM on December 24, 2007 [5 favorites has favorites]

I'm pretty sure she would just want you to "be there". It's frustrating not knowing what to do exactly, and to not know if what you're doing is working, but even she might not know exactly what she wants from you. But it always feels good to have someone care.

This all assumes, of course, that there really is a "crisis" at hand.
posted by mpls2 at 5:12 AM on December 24, 2007

Other than the previous issues she had in college, and you just thinking she is too thin, is there anything else that points to eating disorder? I am about the same size as her, both in height & weight, and really, I am find. I eat quite well, but I also have an active life. I really really hate it when someone keeps trying to get me to eat more, because they think I am too thin.
posted by kellyblah at 6:25 AM on December 24, 2007

really, I am find.

Fine. I am actually fine, in areas not pertaining to typos.
posted by kellyblah at 6:47 AM on December 24, 2007

If she truly is 100 pounds, that's a BMI of 18.3, which is only .2 points below the "normal" category. (95 pounds would put her at a BMI of 17.4. )
You've probably checked this data yourself, but at least you can take heart that the problem hasn't reached an extreme stage--yet.

No offense, but you don't know what you're talking about. BMI is not an indicator of whether someone with an eating disorder has reached an "extreme stage." People die of eating disorders without ever getting below "normal" weight.

Other than the previous issues she had in college, and you just thinking she is too thin, is there anything else that points to eating disorder?

The previous eating disorder, plus significant weight loss, is a pretty good give-away. There may be another explanation: I was anorexic as a teenager, and I lost a lot of weight as a young adult because I was physically ill. But people were right to be concerned about me, in light of my history. When someone has been anorexic, I think that significant, unexplained weight loss is always a danger sign.

I would tell her that you're worried about her, and tell her that if she decides she needs to address this, you're there to help. You could even give her a list of things you could do if she wants you to: help her find a therapist or treatment program, make initial calls, go with her and wait in the waiting room while she sees the doctor or therapist, etc. And then I'd back off, unless you really think she's in immediate danger. You can't force her to address it unless she's ready. You can let her know that you love her and support her and will help her when she wants to get help.

Big life transitions are really hard for anorexics. I'm not surprised that getting married has triggered a relapse.

I wonder what her husband thinks about this. Is there any indication that he's worried?
posted by craichead at 8:34 AM on December 24, 2007

i was thinking about her husband myself. can you talk to him?
posted by sdn at 10:43 AM on December 24, 2007

"Tell her that you can't believe how frail and breakable she fells as you're embracing her, then sit her down and talk to her about it."

"When people told me how sick I looked, especially when they used words like "frail" and "breakable", I heard "SUCCESS!" in my head and kept on losing weight."

Exactly. Such statements will just validate her behavior... I agree with avoiding this course of action. Are you sure she's relapsed into disorder?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:30 AM on December 25, 2007