Gift giving etiquette

December 22, 2007 3:57 PM

[EtiquetteFilter] My sister and her new husband are giving me one gift for Christmas. Am I obligated to give each of them a gift, or is it acceptable for me to give one gift to the couple?
posted by HotPatatta to grab bag (27 comments total)

I was raised to think that gifts were indications of love and affection, not social obligations. The "etiquette" was that you did what you felt like doing, and the other person accepted that. There was no obligation to give anyone a gift ever.

If you can think of two things to give, one for each of them, and if you feel like that's what you want to give, then do it. If you come up with a perfect single gift for them both, go with that. If you hate their guts, stiff 'em. (I kid.)

If you feel that gift giving is any kind of obligation, then there is something terribly wrong.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 3:59 PM on December 22, 2007

My sister and her husband are dong the same. He just finished law school, they live in an expensive city, and his loan payments are due. That's life. I spent more on each of them then they did total on me. I'm in a better financial position than they are right now, and I wanted to get them each something they would enjoy.
In a few years, when he's mr. bigshot big city lawyer I'm sure they'll be spending more on me than I could ever afford to spend on them.

I've always thought you should get what you can afford for the people you love, and not worry about how much they will be spending on you. It's a gift, not a trade for equal value. (if it was we'd all be better off just spending the money directly on ourselves!)

If you're worried they will feel uncomfortable because you spent more then why not a joint gift for their home or something? If they're recently married check their old registry (my sister's is still up, and her wedding was over the summer), maybe get something off the list that had never been purchased?
posted by Kellydamnit at 4:05 PM on December 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think it may completely depend on culture and financial status, but as a middle class American I would see it as absolutely acceptable to be given a single gift for both husband and wife.
posted by Sufi at 4:05 PM on December 22, 2007

The problem is that I have no idea what to give my new brother-in-law for Christmas because I don't know him very well. I did, however, find a gift that I think they would both like. I just don't know if they'll be disappointed because they are expecting to each receive a gift of their own. My sister is the type of person who keeps a scorecard.

But thank you, Mr. Den Beste, for your barely-helpful, yet sufficiently preachy response. You are a better man than I, though you obviously don't need anyone to remind you of that.
posted by HotPatatta at 4:13 PM on December 22, 2007

If you found something they'll both like, that sounds perfect to me.
posted by Coventry at 4:14 PM on December 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

You should get for them--as a unit or singly--what you would like to. The etiquette, as SCDB alluded to, of gift giving is this: a gift is always unexpected. To expect a gift is to entirely miss the point. To expect a specific gift is to miss the point so very much that there's probably not much point in even trying to explain to someone why they missed the point.

Giving a gift to someone (ideally) is about saying "I care about you, and here is a tangible expression of that caring." Receiving a gift (ideally) is about being honoured that someone has taken their time and money (which are essentially the same thing) to show, in one specific way, that they care.

So. Get them individual gifts if you like. Get them a joint gift if you like. Give from the heart.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:15 PM on December 22, 2007

No problem with getting a couple-gift. It's just assumed in my family that gifts are for the household. We also usually get the same thing for everyone, some sort of thematic pile of small things, so my single brother-in-law gets it all to himself, and my brother's family of 4 shares it. Everyone is happy.
posted by monkeymadness at 4:21 PM on December 22, 2007

But thank you, Mr. Den Beste, for your barely-helpful, yet sufficiently preachy response.
In all fairness, I also thought it was a question about them spending less than you, or giving you less than they might be getting, not about the appropriateness of joint gifts for a married couple.

Knowing it is more about that, I would say absolutely it is acceptable to give joint gifts. Just watch out, as joint gifts are often more a gift for just one of them (as in, kitchen equipment when only one half of the couple really cooks, etc).
posted by Kellydamnit at 4:21 PM on December 22, 2007

My apologies for being bitchy, Steven. I take it back. The holidays just stress me out because my family seems to put more emphasis on receiving than giving. My mother, for example, once complained that I bought her the smaller size of perfume when a larger one was available. And that was at a time when I was saving my lunch money to buy xmas presents. Now I'm living on student loans, so my financial situation is actually more dire than those old lunch money days.
posted by HotPatatta at 4:25 PM on December 22, 2007

I am a pathetic man, and I wasn't trying to preach.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 4:25 PM on December 22, 2007

And yes, I am trying to get away with spending as little money on Christmas as possible. So kill me.
posted by HotPatatta at 4:25 PM on December 22, 2007

Different families can have different expectations about gift giving, especially among adults. I think the difference between one or two usually depends more on a combination of good ideas and cost. In general if you give one gift, it should be nicer than what you would do for just one person. My husband's family, there is usually one nice gift (per person or per couple) plus at least one more small gift per person. My family it depends on the people. I've been giving my brother a subscription to the local Sunday paper for many years as his birthday/holiday gift. I usually don't get anything for his partner although in the past when I sent my brother specific Hannukah gifts, I would also send something for her. My other brother usually got one present and a separate one for his wife although he got a birthday present and she didn't.

When you get to know her new husband better, it will be easier and more fun to get gifts for him. Also, be warned that the imbalance will only get worse with kids. You might be buying gifts for four (sis, BIL, 2 nieces or nephews) while you only get one from them. However, if you spend time the kids and get to know them, it can be really fun to try to find the great gift for them.
posted by metahawk at 4:28 PM on December 22, 2007

When people marry into my family, I often give a gift to the person I'm actually related to, and then one gift addressed to the both of them. The second gift is usually smaller, and it's usually food to rule out the problem with joint gifts that Kellydamnit mentions. I never completely ignore the "new" person for fear of making them feel excluded from the family, but I also rarely know them well enough to get them a solo gift. But if you have a good joint gift for the both of them, do that. If your sister keeps score, maybe a smaller gift for her would help hedge your bets.

All of the talk about giving from the heart and with no expectations is great, but I certainly know I'd pay the price with some members of my family if I didn't give gifts in the way they thought they should be given. So receive gifts graciously and without expectation, but give gifts to keep the peace with those who see otherwise. That's my take on my family "scorekeepers."
posted by adiabat at 4:28 PM on December 22, 2007

Joint gifts are perfectly acceptable.
posted by Silvertree at 4:30 PM on December 22, 2007

My sister is the type of person who keeps a scorecard.

As long as your intentions are in the spirit of the holiday, you're cool. Steadfastly refuse to make this about money. Thoughtful gifts are a joy. One gift for the two of them is great, and if it works out that they get separate presents in some years, that's great too. It really really is the thought that counts.

If your sister's the kind of person who keeps a scorecard, she's going to find something lacking regardless. Counteract it by not getting dragged down. As I also must sometimes repeat like a mantra: Take the high road. Take the high road.
posted by desuetude at 4:48 PM on December 22, 2007

My mother, for example, once complained that I bought her the smaller size of perfume when a larger one was available. And that was at a time when I was saving my lunch money to buy xmas presents

Oh man, HotPatatta. Holidays stress the hell out of me and I've never experienced something as shitty as that. Honestly? That's crazy fucked up, and you have my very deepest sympathies. Give them what you want to give them that you can afford to give them. If a joint present makes sense, then by all means, do that. If they're unhappy about it, well, they're greedy, small-minded graspers and you shouldn't feel the least bit bad about it. And what desuetude said.
posted by mumkin at 5:04 PM on December 22, 2007

If your sister's the kind of person who keeps a scorecard, she's going to find something lacking regardless.

Quoted for truth. The kind of people who keep scorecards do it like it's French dictation. You start off nominally perfect, but lose points every time you miss something. it's impossible to reach 100%. They're always at 100%, of course.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:42 PM on December 22, 2007 [2 favorites]

That incident was nothin', mumkin. When I was in high school, she specifically asked me to buy her "gold ball" earrings (simple pearl-shaped gold balls) for her birthday. I got her the ones she asked for and she was happy. Later that day, her then-boyfriend gave her similar earrings, but his *cough* balls were larger than mine. Ever since, I have never seen her wear the earrings I gave her, but she always wears his.
posted by HotPatatta at 5:47 PM on December 22, 2007

HotPatatta, in that case, there is nothing you can do right. This is unfortunate. I suggest making a charitable donation in their names, and saying "Well, you two already have so much and have been so successful, I just knew you would want to share that with people who are less fortunate."

There's really nothing they can say to that.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:58 PM on December 22, 2007

Honestly? From what you've said, I suggest something made by the good folks at Kingsford as a highly appropriate gift.

Seriously, get them what you want to, get them what you can afford, and if they get nasty about it just remind yourself that their lives must be very unsatisfying to place such importance in material possessions and greed. It sounds like nothing you do will be "good enough" for them, so why let it stress you out?

Or the guilt method... framed pictures for everyone. "mom, I got this picture of me and you at sis's wedding framed, since I figured no chunk of plastic or metal could ever compare to an expression of the love I feel for my family. I hope you like it as much as I do!" (or the "I've made a donation in everyone's name to a charity that helps orphans/war widows/victims of domestic violence/insert needy group of choice here" is another good one. No one can complain that they deserve earrings more than orphans deserve mittens without looking like a real shitheel.)
posted by Kellydamnit at 6:05 PM on December 22, 2007

HotPatatta, I feel sorry for you about the score keeping. Recognize that you will never be able to change other people behavior but forgive them with your whole hearth, and promptly forget the "Season".
posted by francesca too at 6:37 PM on December 22, 2007

pardon me if my .02 sounds preachy, but isn't Christmas for children? IIRC the baby Jebus was just that - a baby. After a certain age the whole gift giving thing is just way too stressful. In the Gungho household we have a secret santa drawing at thanksgiving for anyone over 21. One present, and a few teasers if you really feel the spirit. $50.00 limit.
posted by Gungho at 7:06 PM on December 22, 2007

When I married and became the new person in the family, I relished the couple/household gifts. Seeing both of our names on the tag signified my being accepted into the dynasty. In my opinion, those gestures mean more than a gift that, regardless of cost, tells the recipient that "I know nothing about you or your interests."
posted by bonobo at 7:24 PM on December 22, 2007

I second dirtynumbangelboy's suggestion about donating to charity, and all the other comments that mention that Christmas is not about the gifts - what was that saying: "Those who matter won't care, but those who care don't matter"

That's not your question though. So here is my take on your question: if my budget is 25$ each person, then I will buy one 50$ present or 2 x 25$ presents.

Considering that your sis keeps score, you will need to figure out what gives you the most points: 1 expensive gift or 2 less expensive gifts?

Do you live near a flea market? You can usually get perfume and cologne at a lot cheaper prices than retail.

Does your sis and BIL know quality when they see it or are they just attracted to bright, shiny objects? You can get some shiny things that look nice that aren't too expensive.

Or you can go to an outlet and buy brand name clothes for a lot less. The key here is to minimize cost and maximize output.

If you really want to be sneaky buy them coffee beans - get the house blend and tell them it is Kona or Jamaica Blue Mountain (which are the more expensive brands). Get cheap green trea leaves and tell them it is expensive organic tea (just make sure the name exists - they might look it up).

Good luck and Merry Christmas!
posted by bitteroldman at 9:53 PM on December 22, 2007

i agree with steven c. den beste. you give what your heart tells you is right and what they'll like, not what a bunch of snarky internet strangers say! (/snarky internet stranger)
posted by bruce at 10:00 PM on December 22, 2007

If you really want to be sneaky buy them coffee beans - get the house blend and tell them it is Kona or Jamaica Blue Mountain (which are the more expensive brands). Get cheap green trea leaves and tell them it is expensive organic tea (just make sure the name exists - they might look it up).


Oh my God I love this. Chances are they have some friends who are actually people of discernment, as opposed to scorekeepers. And the embarrassment.. oh yes. Do this. Do this hard.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:12 PM on December 22, 2007

My approach to family gifts depends on the individuals. I might get a sibling something personal and the spouse something less personal but fun and a bit unusual. If I know two members of a couple of well, I might get them each something personal, but I am from a family where a gift of food for the household is always received with pleasure. Heck, I could get a Snickers bar with a scrap of ribbon on it from my brother and be delighted. (Even though I am not a huge Snickers fan!)

My mother, for example, once complained that I bought her the smaller size of perfume when a larger one was available.

This is heartbreaking. The saddest thing to me about the picture you paint is that people in your family don't seem to enjoy each other.
posted by caitlinb at 10:32 AM on December 23, 2007