Advice for a goody two-shoes about to be disciplined

December 22, 2007 5:00 PM

I just found out that I'm being written up by my HR manager. What's the best way to handle it so it's goes smoothly?

BACKGROUND: I'm not going to bore you with the details about why I'm being written up. I'll just say that I made a moral stand on an issue I felt strongly about and accidentally made my boss look bad in the process. I acknowledge that I got caught up in the heat of the moment and I should have dropped it. Lesson learned.

I'm really good friends with the HR secretary. I asked her if she heard about any possible fallout from this situation and she told me she heard I'll most likely be written up when I return to work on January 2nd. According to our disciplinary policy, I should technically receive a verbal warning first. However, my boss is really whining about it so she thinks they will escalate it to a written warning so something goes in my file.

I have no problem with the write up. I understand why I'm getting it and why the HR manger has to do it (she's also a very good friend of mine). It's not that big of a deal because I'm a model employee, the top boss loves me (and thinks my boss is a jackass) and I already don't get along with my boss. In the long run, it shouldn't affect me in any way as far as my employment is concerned.

FOCUS: Upon entering the HR manager's office, how should I handle this so it is very brief and ends quickly? My current plan is to admit I was wrong and should have handled it differently (or kept my nose out of it altogether), make a brief apology to my boss, sign my write up and then ask if we're done. I will be very upbeat and positive, but not to the point where it seems like I'm mocking them. If my boss wants to get preachy I suppose I don't have a choice but to sit there and nod politely. I'm comfortable with conflict, but I would prefer it not be a long, drawn out process where I have to apologize repeatedly and kiss butt for an hour.

Any advice from someone whose been in my shoes? Also, if you're an HR manger (or boss who handles discipline directly), how would hope an employee would respond? Thanks!

posted by anonymous to work & money (14 comments total)

Your perspective will show through even if you are going to try to hide it. Method acting is called for. Try to put yourself in your boss' point of view and try to empathise with her feelings and understand where she might be coming from. This will give you language that you can deploy to ensure that she knows you understand and agree. Nodding politely won't cut it.

And don't say "are we done here." The superiors will decide when you are done. Go in with genuine contrition and understanding, don't riff on the jackass, and demonstrate that you can act professionally when you've already shown you can't. (Having a disagreement with a boss isn't writeup-worthy; acting unprofessionally about it in an awkward time or place is.
posted by By The Grace of God at 5:10 PM on December 22, 2007

As someone who has been in a very similar situation, my best advice would be to say as little as possible. Instead of saying yes, nod your head. And if you don't mean your sorry, don't say anything. Drop your head a little, and let your facial expressions communicate for you.
posted by JaySunSee at 5:11 PM on December 22, 2007

Head of HR here. Yes to everything By The Grace said, but let me add a few notes.

If the HR secretary was indiscreet enough to tell you that, you can bet she told the HR manager that you asked about it, and what your frame of mind about the issue seemed at the time. It was not that cool of you to ask, but it was really uncool if her to talk to you unless she was doing it at the behest of her boss. That "unofficial" leak was most likely an attempt to get more context about you and your attitude.

A) Apologize, and be sincere, if you can be. But don't get dramatic about it. Don't whine about manager or whatever your company discipline process might be, being the adult can only get you points down the line.
B) Just take your lumps if you know what you did wasn't kosher with your company culture
C) Don't worry too much about it. People don't realize that almost ALL employees have something less than stellar in their employee files, and they still get promoted every day. The discretion HR uses means that you often think you're the only one who has something going on, when in fact she may be participating in write-ups on others all day every day. The HR manager sees stuff like this all the time and really, doesn't care much.

Lastly, unless you yourself work for HR, it's really weird that the HR manager would be the one meeting with you. This is a great example of crap management - if your manager has an issue, HR should sound them out so they don't over react, and help them write up the specifics so you understand the problem and consequences, but certainly shouldn't be managing you. If it's just HR, ask that your manager meet with you as well, so you can all get on the same page about expectations.
posted by pomegranate at 5:26 PM on December 22, 2007

I used to represent employees who were represented by a union, and here's the advicee I would give if this were one of those employees:

1. You may want to ask if you can bring a representative to the disciplinary meeting (this can be a co-worker). This is fairly common in union-type disciplinary hearings and for a time the National Labor Relations Board even extended the right to bring a representative to non-union settings. If there is going to be more than one HR rep at the meeting, it's only fair that you get to bring someone, too. Also, it's helpful to have someone present who's disinterested and coolheaded. On the other hand, asking to bring a representative may simply escalate what should be a minor incident. You'll need to make a judgment call on that.

2. Don't let them violate their progressive discipline policy by foregoing the verbal warning stage. The company has a progressive discipline policy for a reason. If they indicate that they are going to write you up, I would politely point out that they are not following the progressive discipline policy and that this is unfair. They may very well back off.

3. Write down a summary of everything that happened that led to the discipline and a summary of what happens at the disciplinary meeting; it's good to have a contemporaneous record.

4. Make a commitment ahead of time to act in a professional, non-emotional manner. If you really find yourself upset asked to be excused from the meeting for a minute to take a breath.

Good luck!
posted by bananafish at 5:27 PM on December 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

(sp) OF her to talk to you
posted by pomegranate at 5:31 PM on December 22, 2007

As a former manager, I'd hope the employee acknowledged the issue and seemed to be taking the meeting seriously. Anything that suggests a lack of seriousness on your part will likely make the meeting take longer. Some tips:
1) Don't talk first -- wait for the HR manager to start things off.
2) Stay calm, acknowledge your error, and apologize simply. Do not smirk or be ironic (they'll notice).
3) Don't get into an argument unless you want to be there all day. If your manager wants to vent, let her.
4) Read the document they want you to sign. If you disagree mightily with some of it, there's normally a place to write a comment, and I'd suggest that you do so. The management team may change in the future, and new folks might take the document more seriously than the current HR manager or top boss. But keep your written comment very brief.
4) Allow them to tell you when the meeting is over.
posted by richsim at 5:41 PM on December 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

yes i agree with the earlier advice, let them do all the talking unless there is something you want to contend.
i dont exactly understand the situation, but other things that could come up are:
- specific relationship issues that may have led to the incident
- there was a lack of training or competancy that needs to be addressed
- there needs to be some form of follow up, such as anger management classes

i cant say what it will be in your case,
but be prepared that there may be more than jsut the write up.

i also agree, make sure you understand the procedure and have reviewed the detail
posted by edtut at 5:41 PM on December 22, 2007

A moral stand is a moral stand and you should not apologize for doing or saying what is just or right. In the long run you will not be happy working for a company that tolerates less than moral behavior, so start looking for another job.
Thinking back on my working experiences there have been a few times when I regretted not speaking up, but a lot more times when I was ultimately glad that I did. Of course the older I became, the easier it became to speak more diplomatically and less bluntly, and still get the point across.
Keep your cool and good wishes.
posted by francesca too at 6:23 PM on December 22, 2007 [2 favorites]

The fact that they went straight to written is a bit of a flag for me, though not unheard of. I would ask why a verbal warning wasn't given.

Written warnings are a step towards a firing. Not always of course, but definitely ammo. You may have put yourself in your boss' crosshairs (and I suspect given their desire to escalate to a written right away you may have been there already maybe, in part, because you don't respect them).

Let's say you do something again a year from now (or less).

Well, X has a written warning which he/she signed and she understood, perhaps he/she isn't a good fit here.

Be careful. Not freaky paranoid, but aware.

If you are planning in staying in this job a while, you should have a heart-to-heart with your boss, if you haven't already. Tough to do, especially given how they have handled it, but a frank discussion and apology may heal the wounds and soften the impending blow.
posted by gnash at 6:39 PM on December 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

What your HR manager probably wants to hear is that you understand why it was wrong not just on general grounds, but why it was wrong and what it did to hurt the business and/or your boss. You seem to understand what took place inside yourself - an emotional event that culminated in a judgment lapse and moral stand. I think your HR director will want to know if you also understand in the larger picture what you did, how it affects others, and why it's against policy.

I think that's the quickest way to send the message "I get it."

Also keep in mind that trying to rush through the meeting may in itself be bad. There's probably a fast way and a slow way to get through the meeting, but don't try to push the fast version any faster than it can go. If you are too pat in your answers it might look dismissive. Be sure to do some listening in there. Sounds like you think you know the sum total of what will happen. Maybe you don't?
posted by scarabic at 7:15 PM on December 22, 2007

the top boss loves me...

them's the four most important words in your question. hr people are just drones anyway. it's regrettable that these events have alienated your immediate superior, who is more important in the scheme of things than hr, but the top boss is more important in the scheme of things than he/she is.

way back when i was a teenager, the university of southern california had a football coach named john mckay. one time after a game, a reporter asked him why the qb handed off 40 times to the tailback in the game, and coach mckay replied "when you have a big cannon, shoot it." i believe that this is good advice in football - and business too.
posted by bruce at 7:16 PM on December 22, 2007

Just keep your head down, don't say much, nod a lot, and get through it.

Seconding everything that pomegranate and gnash said, too.
posted by desuetude at 8:30 PM on December 22, 2007

Are you sure you want to work somewhere that disciplines rather than rewards you for moral behaviour? I would stick to my guns, make sure that there was a note on my file to point out that I acted on my own moral convictions which I continued to stand by, and then start looking for another job immediately. I was once fired for refusing to screw over an elderly deaf man whose brand new kitchen cabinets were delaminating through no fault of his own. It was a known product fault, but since this man wasn't aware of it, I was instructed to tell him it was steam damage from his kettle - on the other side the kitchen- and therefore not covered by warranty. I refused, told him through his telephone interpreter about the known product fault, and was immediately fired. Thank goodness.
Also, don't be too trusting of your friends at work. Even good people will sometimes turn on you if their livelihood is threatened, or if they think it will increase their chances of success. Keep your own counsel, don't be bullied, and definitely reconsider working there.
posted by cilantro at 1:01 AM on December 23, 2007 [4 favorites]

However, my boss is really whining about it so she thinks they will escalate it to a written warning so something goes in my file.

I agree with the other posters who are noting that this is a problem. Yes, you should show due contrition, but you if there's anything you should be making a "moral stand" on, it's this. Your company has a disciplinary policy so that it's known and followed, not as a rough guideline.

I don't know you, and I don't know where you work, but it looks to me like your boss is trying to get you fired. You need to do something about that. I'd request a formal explanation, in the meeting, of why your boss thinks it's necessary to subvert company policy (in so many words) for this infraction.
posted by mkultra at 8:06 AM on December 23, 2007