Ink as a coping strategy?

December 14, 2007 9:47 AM

Why did my brother's suicide attempt make me want to get a tattoo? And should I?

My brother attempted suicide a couple weeks ago for the sixth time in as many months. He's getting better now, we hope. He's been inpatient for a while already and will probably (god willing and the medical system doesn't screw him over!) stay that way for a while while they do a full psychological evaluation and decide what he needs to be doing to get better. Okay. So that's all settled. Or as settled as it is going to get.

But now I'm dealing with my own reactions to the whole situation. First I had invasive thoughts about hurting myself - not WANTING to hurt myself or die, just thinking that maybe that would somehow help. Bizarre. Uncomfortable. For the most part, over. And even though they persist, at least I've identified them as a) unhealthy and b) unproductive.

But I've been engaging in other grief-type activities since he was hospitalized, and I'm not so convinced that they are exactly as unhealthy as parasuicidal ideation. I've been saving his voicemails just in case he's ever successful and I never get to hear his voice again. I've been listening to his favorite musicians around the clock. And now, focusing on getting a tattoo as a personal and public reminder of my solidarity with him in his recovery (and also as a personal reminder of the dangers of my own mental health problems).

It's just...not like me. I'm not a sappy sentimental person. I don't like hard rock. And I've never seriously considered getting a tattoo. But I'm certainly not opposed to growing or changing. And facing the very real prospect of your younger brother's death (he went missing the day he attempted to kill himself, and as the hours went by we became more and more sure that he was dead) is certainly a changing experience.

Is this typical? Are these behaviors common, healthy expressions of grief? Should I stop trying to control how I express my emotions and just let them express themselves?

I'm already going to start seeing a therapist. I just don't know if I should also see a tattoo artist.

posted by greekphilosophy to health & fitness (33 comments total)

Not having a tattoo, I can't really address why you would want to except for the reason you yourself provided, "And now, focusing on getting a tattoo as a personal and public reminder of my solidarity with him in his recovery (and also as a personal reminder of the dangers of my own mental health problems)."

However these are all excellent questions to ask your therapist. In fact, just print out this question and bring it to your next session. The fact that you are already so engaged in the process of trying to understand why you want certain things suggests that you will get a tremendous amount out of therapy.
posted by Pastabagel at 9:53 AM on December 14, 2007

I will add that the thing that I personally don't like about tattoos is that unlike hairstlyes or clothing choices, they are permanent. I feel like having a tattoo would prevent me from moving beyond whatever phase or issue made me get it in the first place, but that is my own personal idiosyncrasy and not at all a judgment of people who get tattoos nor an assumption on my part about why they get them.
posted by Pastabagel at 9:55 AM on December 14, 2007

IANAP, but I am concerned about you. I can't clearly say whether your behavior stems from a sense of over-identification with your brother or is simply an attempt to understand what he is experiencing. I'd be much more concerned about the former.

When an acquaintance of mine (on the PLATO system, an online community pre-internet) committed suicide many years ago, I remember mutual friends and acquaintances submerging themselves in The Wall (his favorite album) and at least two friends at the alcohol-fueled post-funeral wake expressing suicidal ideations. This is what I mean by over-identification.

As far as your emotions are concerned, it is healthy to have emotions, but there are good ways and bad ways to express them. You've identified that your negative fantasies about hurting yourself (presumably to "show him" what he's doing to those around him?) are not productive.

The therapist should be able to help you sort out your feelings and express them in healing ways. And wait to get the tattoo until after the sorting -- those things are expensive to remove!
posted by lleachie at 9:58 AM on December 14, 2007

Seconding Pastabagel: there's really nothing wrong with getting a tattoo (as long as you're not getting a swastika on your forehead or anything crazy), but if you're not sure if you actually want one, why not decide to wait a month or so until you've talked it over with a therapist? You'll either still want a tattoo, but better understand why, or you'll have decided you don't want it.

And good for you for seeing a therapist. Too many people are afraid to admit that they need help, even when they're faced with difficult times such as yours.
posted by fogster at 9:59 AM on December 14, 2007

There may be a human instinct that says if we share someone's pain we spread the load, relieving them of part of their burden. I don't think it's bizarre. It may even work on a psychological level, especially if you discuss your thoughts with him.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:00 AM on December 14, 2007

You should ask your brother how he would feel about this - in his situation I'm not sure I'd feel good about a family member making a permanent statement about a period in my life that way.
posted by phrontist at 10:02 AM on December 14, 2007

I think everything you have described is completely to-be-expected behavior. But I am also glad you are going to start seeing a therapist because it sounds like this is taking a serious toll on you, as it would anyone. When things in my life are particularly upsetting or upside down, I try take a break from being impulsive because it's when I'm very likely to make a decision under duress that I never would've made otherwise and will completely come to regret. (You know, like not sending an email when you're blind with rage but waiting until you've calmed down). So, you could wait until life settles down for the most part and reconsider then. Then again there are other people who get pretty sweet tatts to commemorate all kinds of important and meaningful things in their lives whenever they feel like it and doing it in the moment is part of why they do it and that's cool, too. Neither choice is intrinsically right or wrong. I think it depends on what feels right for you. If the tatt is a little for you, a little for him, that seems fine. And of course you can minimize potential regret by getting something relatively small in an inconspicuous location. Really, what's the harm? Maybe it would be therapeutic.
posted by sneakin at 10:07 AM on December 14, 2007

Most lists I've read of general recommendations for dealing with grief suggest not making any major life decisions for at least six months. Grief can obviously stir up a lot of uncomfortable emotions, and a lot of desire to escape that discomfort. While some means of escaping may be useful, others may not, and it's hard to sort through all that while simultaneously dealing with all those emotions. Making major permanent decisions while in this state may be risky.
posted by occhiblu at 10:09 AM on December 14, 2007

Two years ago I started a back piece. I hadn't thought about doing something like that much before then. But it just seemed right for what I was going through at the time. It symbolized a fresh start, the completion of a major life goal, and working through the pain of past experiences. The time spent in the chair allowed me to think and reflect on these things, as did the months of healing. It was cathartic and necessary, and I have something beautiful to show for it. I also like that the tattoo is on my back and can be hidden or not as I desire. That way I don't have to answer for it all the time because it's only on display if I choose it to be.

I wholeheartedly and absolutely encourage you to get a tattoo. If it's something you want to the point of actually going through with it, then you will not regret it, I promise.

I wrote this comment a while back about getting a tattoo, here. Just a perspective to consider before jumping in.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:13 AM on December 14, 2007

I have a lot of tattoos, that I've gotten for a lot of reasons. Some of them are shared - I have an armband that my ex and I share, a logo on my forearm that my ex-coworkers also have, and a fairy on my back from a book, and my best friend from childhood has a different critter from the same book. So I can identify.

There are a lot of "exes" in the above list, and some folks would say that's a reason not to do something like this. I don't feel that way - they're all reminders of people and things that were very important to me at various stages of my life. I love all my tats, and regret none of them.

On the other hand, I got all of them with a fair bit of forethought. You seem to be in an emotionally unsettled place, so take your time. Think about what you want the tat to actually represent - think about the symbolism, the layers of meaning. Find an artist you like, or draw it yourself. Find the right tattooist - someone you respect.

I don't think it's a bad idea - I actually think it's a great way to externalize what you're going through. The process itself may convince you that this isn't what you want - and if it is what you want, you will have done all the legwork to make sure it's something you're proud of.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:16 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Good calls all around. Six month waiting period. Asking for bro's input. Very very helpful, and things that I hadn't really considered.

And thanks lleachie, I'm concerned too. I'm already being medicated for long-term persistent depression, and before this I was on fairly stable ground. Now, I'm dealing with a barrage of emotions that I don't think I'm particularly well equipped to sort out on my own. Luckily, there are people we pay for that!
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:17 AM on December 14, 2007

I had a similar desire for a tattoo when my brother died accidentally a few years ago. It was two weeks after my dad went into a coma from which he has not recovered and my heart was completely, totally broken. I understood why people used to be more literally "in mourning." It would have been right to wear a black armband for a few months. I see it as an external reminder - I wanted the world to know at a glance that I had changed. I think this is why women wear engagement rings.

So I was not the forty year old wall street dude getting a tattoo. But please believe me: I get it.
posted by shothotbot at 10:18 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Tattoos == Permanence


...in more ways than one.

Dealing with death this closely always brings us closer to the transitory nature of our own existence. It's not uncommon to reach for something "permanent" at times like these.
posted by tkolar at 10:24 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

tattoos are like spouses...never get one when you're in distress.

talk to your therapist. certainly many people get tattoos to mark powerful events in their lives (my god, the number of 9/11 tattoos i saw all over new york....) and it's certainly a legitimate reason.

however, if you feel like it's out of character, and you've been having other out-of-character impulses, i would hold off for a while. you are shaken and grieving--your responses aren't irrational at all, but it's not a good time to make permanent decisions like this.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:28 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

In this month's Esquire magazine, Michael J. Fox mentions that when his dad died, he was strongly tempted to get a tattoo to match his fathers: a horseshoe surrounding a horse's head. He explains that alcohol led him to think this was a good idea. After much debate, he sobered up and was glad he didn't get the tattoo.

As he explains to his kids, "Your tattoo should be not having a tattoo." Wise words, Marty.
posted by ColdChef at 10:28 AM on December 14, 2007

It sounds like your empathy is amped up all the way right now. You are trying to understand him from every angle, including the pain he inflicts on himself and his determination to make very permanent decisions based on his feelings. And you're struggling to make a deep impression of him on yourself, in case he suddenly vanishes forever

I think you really need to make sure you're spending equal time in your own world, with your own feelings. Being a sibling is a very strange experience, because in your heart you feel that you share ownership of certain experiences and memories, you share physical and genetic characteristics, and yet you are idividuals. It may seem selfish during a time when someone you love is hurting, but in the absence of being able to do anything to help him, you need to help yourself, nourish the part of yourself that stands alone.

It sounds like you are looking for some sort of ritual in order to mark this significant time in your life, and it's common for that instinct to lead people to get tattoos. However you should know that there are other ways to satisfy this instinct, and the more you sit down with it and examine it, the more ideas you may come up with. Anyone can rush out and buy and endure a tattoo, but it may only scratch the surface of what you need. Do you need to get away for a while? Are you being called to a new direction in your life? Do you have spiritual or philosophical needs that need to be satisfied in some way?

For me, there is real value in designing literal rituals, complicated symbolic pursuits meant to express or control whatever extreme state I've found myself in. Consider it theatre for an audience of one: yourself. Create a situation in which your actions and surroundings perfectly correspond to what you are feeling. Fasting, for example, is something I have done in the past that has given me a new understanding of my life and my limitations.

Perhaps if your brother recovers you and he could get tattoos together.
posted by hermitosis at 10:30 AM on December 14, 2007 [5 favorites]

Lots of good advice above. Getting a tattoo should not be taken lightly however (I have a couple). Dont get one because your hurting. Plan it. ENJOY it. Do it because its right for you. I have possible tattoo #3 image on my fridge - it been there for 3 years. I look at it every day and when that moment arrives when it seems perfect, then I'll get it inked. Or not. Be sure.

Good luck with you and your family.
posted by elendil71 at 10:34 AM on December 14, 2007

These are some of the most common reasons to get a tattoo, and it's been that way for a long, long time. That said, maybe it's a good idea to wait a little bit.
posted by box at 10:34 AM on December 14, 2007

Nothing wrong with getting a tattoo as a mark of change or a symbol of something important in your life, but I nth the waiting period and talk to your therapist. I got my first tattoo a year and a day after my mom died, and my other two have equally significant meanings (to me) though they were not done on significant dates. Your desire to get a tattoo and your other out-of-character behaviors or actions all seem to be sending the signal to slow down, reflect, think. A blank patch of skin where the tattoo might go isn't going anywhere, and there's nothing wrong with waiting six months or a year after the significant change to get inked. If and when you do get one, I think you'll feel better about it and yourself if you do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Good luck, and I'm sending good vibes your way.
posted by rtha at 10:53 AM on December 14, 2007

I went through a pretty rough patch about a year or so back and got a sparkly new piercing out of it. The physical pain and rush of endorphins afterwards helped put emotional pain into perspective and now it serves as a physical reminder to me about the lessons I learned from that rough patch.

I'm going to deviate a bit here and say that you don't really need to have a 6-month waiting period. You can just look back on your life and see how you react to things. Restless_nomad above provides an excellent example of how if you look back fondly on your experiences, then you (most likely) won't have cause to regret getting a tattoo. But, if you're the kinda of person who looks back and sees embarrassment or grief, and is prone to regret, then permanent body modifications may not be for you. Tats and piercings remind you of the past. If you filter your experiences negatively, then it's probably a bad idea.

In other words, if your brother (knock on wood) succeeds one day in another attempt, would you hate the part of your body that's been marked? Or would you look at it and go, "He was a great brother. I'm glad he was here, even if he decided to go."
posted by reebear at 10:58 AM on December 14, 2007

I have found getting tattoos to be very therapeutic. All the same, try making a t-shirt that has the design of the tattoo, and see if it's enough. Sometimes it's enough to boldly and publicly display what you are feeling, without having to worry about your feelings changing.
posted by unknowncommand at 11:06 AM on December 14, 2007

You could try out the idea of a tattoo by using henna. I've done that during rough periods. It's therapeutic in that you spend a lot of time coming up with a meaningful design and drawing it on yourself, and it lasts for a few days. If you like it, you can make it last longer by drawing over it again with more henna. If you find yourself keeping the same design going for a long time, then maybe you'd be happy with a tattoo.
posted by PatoPata at 11:30 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

One thing my family does when someone dies is wear onyx or hematite rings for their period of mourning. I myself wear a hematite bracelet.

I had a dear freind attempt suicide about 12 years ago. He's fine now, but it took me several years to process it (I still deal with some of the ramifications now).

I realize now I should have gone to a Survivors of Suicide group back then. At the time I didn't think I "qualified" because he survived the experience. You might benefit from something like that.
posted by lysdexic at 11:45 AM on December 14, 2007

I'm in a similar boat. Since my brother committed suicide over 2 years ago, I've been considering a tattoo. The desire hasn't yet gone away. Like elendil71, I'll get it someday... or not. But I'll do it when I'm sure the time is right.

In the mean time, I'm still trying to deal with his death.

My advice to you is to enjoy every moment you have with your brother. As you said, close calls can really change people - I certainly absorbed some of his taste in music as really my only way to be close with him anymore. In my opinion, adding to your musical favorites is a nice way to have more connections with your brother - something else to enjoy with him!
posted by odi.et.amo at 12:34 PM on December 14, 2007

Sounds normal to me to want to mark a major event. Even though your brother was not successful in his attempts, it still creates a major shift in life view for you.

There is also a natural desire to channel all the emotions this sort of thing brings up into doing something. Physically doing something. After my father's suicide attempt I cleaned his bathroom. And then every other room in the house, down to wiping down 500 books, for days and days.

Again, perfectly normal and healthy. Get inked.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:09 PM on December 14, 2007

I went through a pretty rough patch about a year or so back and got a sparkly new piercing out of it. The physical pain and rush of endorphins afterwards helped put emotional pain into perspective and now it serves as a physical reminder to me about the lessons I learned from that rough patch.

This is pretty much word for word what I would have written during some periods when I was in college. It's a totally normal feeling wanting to sort of note a moment in time, especially one with a lot of emotional impact for you with some permanent marker.
posted by jessamyn at 2:14 PM on December 14, 2007

Within months of my oldest son's death (at the age of 20, in a motorcycle accident), his younger brother (18 at the time) got a significant tattoo which reflected on a theme from one of his brother's better pieces of written work (he was a very creative person).... I didn't find out about it for a couple of months (he lived on his own at that time)... When I found out I was touched and amazed.... He had yet to even begin dealing with the death...that was years down the road...but the tattoo was his forever.. he eventually did a lot of therapy regarding the grief...

He's never regretted it (he's 35 now)... he's gone on, over the years to get a number of tattoos, including the whole back of his leg of a dog he loved that passed away several years ago.... They all mean something to him... Eventually he even had the original tattoo enhanced/improved...but still the same theme

You know..you're dealing with a lot right now... if you question this it would be a good idea to take it up with your therapist... but..if you love your brother, and this is important to you, I'm thinking that you'll not regret having it done...

Everything in its own time... meditate on this....

that said, take care of yourself, and I hope your brother comes out the other side of this as a healthy person...
posted by HuronBob at 2:18 PM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

i would be extremely touched if a family member got a tattoo in my honor. but it's possible that your brother would not find it touching. it's nobody's choice but your own what you put on your body, but i second the comment that i'd broach the subject with him.

i consider it totally normal to get a tattoo to mark a significant event, emotional period, change, etc. indeed, most of the people i know who have tattoos didn't get them just because they were a pretty object to stick on their body. i only have one and i waited 7 years to get it and it had significance to me and my life. i think that's the best kind of tattoo and i have never regretted it.
posted by groovinkim at 2:29 PM on December 14, 2007

I'd like to second the possibility of using henna instead of getting a tattoo, for now. I am a professional henna artist and I've helped many people use henna body art in conjunction with a difficult part of their lives; such as depression, break-ups, divorces, serious illnesses such as cancer or when grieving the loss of a loved one.

Only last year, I lost a very young cousin on my Mom's side. He was such a sweet soul who was only 18 years old; he died in his sleep and the autopsy was inconclusive, so it was extremely difficult for all of our family to deal with, as well as our local community (we are aboriginal/First Nations). During the time I attended the wake and funeral, I had several requests to do henna body art pieces on many members of the community who *did* feel the need to express their grief and loss in a more visible manner. Some pieces were very obvious as to their meaning, many were much more subtle and personal. (There are a few examples of spiritual healing & memorial henna in my online portfolio, see my profile for the link.)

I've also done henna designs for people who have been considering a tattoo, as it is a safe and easy way for them to "get the feel" of the design, size, placement, etc, of a potential tatoo. Sometimes they've even reconsidered their tattoo after wearing the henna version; I'm not saying that you would do the same, but it would give you a form of trial/confirmation to yourself that this is indeed the route you wish to take for a piece of permanent body art.

(If you were local to Montreal, I'd even offer to do such a henna piece for you for no cost; as I generally offer this service to those in need for free, or just a little donation to cover my material supplies. Please check with a henna artist closer to you, many of us often offer such services at a very reasonable or even discounted rates.)

Good luck and my best wishes to you during this difficult time in the lives of you and your brother...
posted by Jade Dragon at 4:11 PM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

As ironic as it sounds to people with no tattoos, when I got a tattoo (in a visible place -- upper outer arm) it made me even more highly aware that it's only flesh. It seems like such a drastic, irrevocable decision, and it is permanent, but it just didn't seem like such a monumental step to me anymore. It just made me feel like I owned myself more than I had before. I feel more like I own my body and my decisions and life more than I did before. And very quickly it became a part of me.

You can get a tattoo for whatever reason you feel is valid. For the record, I think your reason sounds like a great one. Recognizing or marking a painful aspect of life doesn't equal dwelling on it. I think the fact that you are considering this is a sign that you should do it.
posted by loiseau at 7:43 AM on December 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

A note about my "wait six months" comment -- I have no problems with tattoos, and if the OP already had other tattoos, then getting one now wouldn't be any sort of major life change; I love people's stories about why and when they get tattoos and how meaningful they can be. But the OP described this impulse as totally out of character, and given the situation, I think that's what merits a pause here. In my mind it's not really whether a tattoo itself would be weird in the situation, but whether doing something that's both permanent and out of character would be weird in the situation.
posted by occhiblu at 8:55 AM on December 15, 2007

(Well, not "weird," really, but at least worth thinking about for a while longer.)
posted by occhiblu at 9:03 AM on December 15, 2007

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to express your solidarity with your brother in the form of a tattoo... my siblings and I have such a tight bond that about 9 months ago we all got the same tattoo - our sibling tattoo which is pointedly about our bond. I will never regret getting this tattoo because I love my siblings, and always will, no matter what. The permanence of my love for and bond with them is amplified by the permanence of the tattoo.

So far this is my only tattoo, but as it goes, I now want more ink. I think the only thing you need to consider before getting a tattoo is if you really want it to be on your body forever (I know this is obvious). The thing is though, if you really feel passionately and strongly about something, even if your views change, it's a part of you forever. If one of my siblings got a tattoo that's subject matter dealt with a deep personal struggle, it would give me an immense feeling of warmth, love and... solidarity.
posted by pontouf at 3:44 PM on December 15, 2007