Are there other ways to gain trust other than acts of honesty and time passing?

December 14, 2007 8:21 AM

Is there any other way (other than the passing of time and being completely truthful) to help better regain someone's trust after a lie or two has been committed?

Almost 3 months ago I was caught in a pretty bad lie to my GF. We are still together, and since then, have made a lot of headway towards getting our relationship back to where it needs to be. I've stumbled one or two times since then with some lies of omission, but have more or less been forgiven by my wonderful GF.

But because of what I had done, gaining back that trust is slow going. My GF still struggles with the suspicion that I am still lying - the feeling comes and goes, and I dare say she's feeling it less and less... I have made some major changes to myself and have become a more honest, open person, and have stopped with the shitty behavior overall.

But lately it seems that there are no opportunities to prove my honesty and trustworthiness other than the usual day to day things.... which is all good, but I feel that she is looking for a more meaningful event to occur so she can really feel that I am being up front, transparent, et al.

I have noticed that her feelings of suspicion usually come on while we are apart, when she has nothing to focus on or doesn't busy herself with something constructive or isn't at work. Sometimes this leads her to call me at work or in the middle of the day. She admits that she's feeling silly about 'checking up on me', and I appreciate the fact that she realizes this.

(p.s. we are in counseling)

I know this isn't about her at all. This was all my fault to begin with, so I am just feeling around about how I can improve things better between us at this moment in time, as we're mostly past the first few months of the event, but the ripples are still being felt. I am trying to remain calm and not get so frustrated at her, but sometimes it's hard.

Thanks everybody.

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

I'd say the most important thing is to stop trying so hard to prove you're not lying. I always get this little warning sign in my head when someone's visibly trying to be honest.

Live your life, be as upfront as possible, and stop bringing it up.
posted by advicepig at 8:33 AM on December 14, 2007

Trust is one of those things that is both really strong and completely fragile. I can't suggest anything but time...and really 3 months isn't that long. I agree with advicepig that you shouldn't try so hard..it looks like you're over compensating for something. Just be natural, and be straight with her. Depending on the lie and how your gf is it may take a long time for her to completely trust you again.
posted by LiquidKarma at 8:45 AM on December 14, 2007

It's hard to tell if you're asking

1) Are there more things you're not thinking of that you can do?
2) How to speed all this up?

If it's 2, I think not asking the question, even in your head, would help. I don't mean to be snarky. I just mean that what's required here is patience. It might seem like you're doing everything right so why should it take so much dang time, but I think you're in a situation where time is the primary ingredient. I'm sure it's hard. In your situation you feel behind the 8 ball, as if her trust could crumble any day and leave you out in the cold. It's very hard to work overtime, to give MORE when you have that kind of insecurity hanging over your head.

But if you dig in and are committed to working overtime to win trust for the rest of your life, if you push this question out of your mind, if you show that you accept you'll be behind the 8 ball forever and ALWAYS have to work harder than usual, then you'll really start demonstrating commitment. And at that very moment, I think you'll turn the corner you want to.

But if you ever show even a hint of tapping your toe and checking your watch and implying that she's taking too long to come back around, that she's too insecure, that you've done all that can be reasonably expected, you're going to shatter that trust. If I were wounded and insecure, I might read that hint into your question, above.

Good luck. Tough situation all around but it sounds like you're both really trying.
posted by scarabic at 8:50 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your mileage will hopefully vary, but for many of the people I know your breach of trust would be a permanent part of the relationship -- perhaps forgiven, but never forgotten.

Hopefully the ripples will be felt less over time, but I wouldn't count on the situation ever being over.

And to answer your question: No, there's nothing else you can do. Honesty and time are the only two tools you've got here.
posted by tkolar at 9:10 AM on December 14, 2007

Are there other ways to gain trust other than acts of honesty and time passing?

Not really. Often enough, even these won't work. The "meaningful event" you're looking for probably does not exist. Any situation you arrange to make yourself appear trustworthy is going to have the opposite effect; she'll probably see through it, and resent that you're trying to manipulate her shaken faith in you with gimmicks. Just give it time.
posted by almostmanda at 9:20 AM on December 14, 2007

Bring this up in your next counseling session.
posted by Carol Anne at 9:27 AM on December 14, 2007

Well, you could lull her into security with a more permanent commitment, but the real questions are why you lied in the first place, why you have lied since then, and why you are asking this question.

If you are simply finding it inconvenient to be truthful and honest all the time with this woman and want to hurry the process up, that doesn't bode well for the relationship. Are you usually honest with others? Do you think your girlfriend is 'wonderful' and want to change because you don't want to lose her, or is there a part of you that thinks she is 'wonderful' because she lets you get away with stuff like this? Maybe that is why you are looking to find other ways to make her feel good, so that you can continue to get away with this kind of thing.

I'm glad you are in therapy. Figure out what you want from this relationship and where you want it to go. If you plan to be with this woman in the long run, your actions should reflect that commitment, and that's what will really cement the trust between you once more. If you really are just finding this relationship convenient for the time being, until something better comes along, you would be doing her a favor by letting her go.
posted by misha at 9:33 AM on December 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am trying to remain calm and not get so frustrated at her, but sometimes it's hard.

Dude, you've admitted that you have again lied to her (a lie of omission is still a lie) more than once in the past three months since the big lie you got caught in. And you're frustrated with her for not trusting you??

There's nothing you can do but continue counseling and give it time, but there are a lot of people (including myself) who never get past that sort of betrayal. I'm a big believer in "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
posted by amro at 9:47 AM on December 14, 2007 [3 favorites]

i can't answer this without knowing what you lied about.
posted by groovinkim at 2:50 PM on December 14, 2007

Is there any other way (other than the passing of time and being completely truthful) to help better regain someone's trust after a lie or two has been committed?

[. . .]I've stumbled one or two times since then with some lies of omission, but have more or less been forgiven by my wonderful GF

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you can better regain her trust by not lying anymore
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:37 PM on December 14, 2007

This is probably something you should work with your counselor on, but you may want to consider some trust-building exercises.

What you're saying is that you don't seem to be having the opportunities you want to prove that her trust in you is warranted. I don't see that there's anything wrong in creating those activities (obviously, openly agreeing to do so -- no underhanded sneaking them in somehow). International relations is full of examples where two bodies build trust through a series of steps that are agreed in advance.

At this point, you're effectively just showing up for the relationship. Maybe because of the lie she's even reluctant to allow for situations where there's an element of trust involved, in part because she herself fears the outcome.

Now, you don't need to go with the team-type exercises or have a hokey facilitator in a funny felt hat around. You can probably organically work this into your day-to-day relationship or even create greater challenges for yourselves, and you'll know best what those opportunities might be. And your counselor should probably have pointed out to you that just as much of this has to be on her not setting you up to fail or retreating into denial. That's unfair, because it was you who lied, but it's a problem that the two of you have, so it isn't something that only you can fix.
posted by dhartung at 6:49 PM on December 14, 2007

click on the tag "trust" in the top right corner. There have been many similar questions asked.

As far as I know, the only remedy for this is to be the trustworthy person you want her to think you are.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:28 PM on December 14, 2007