Break Ups Suck

December 11, 2007 1:18 PM

How do I get over a relationship that was everything I wanted but somehow I still wasn't happy?

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of three years because of feelings for her that were going away. But still it is very hard to let go of someone that you genuinely cared for. I know this is best for the both of us. She deserves somebody who feels the same about her. So I want to move on and get over this! Help!

posted by kowboy to human relations (14 comments total)

Write some blues songs. Perform them. Meet someone else who digs the blues.
posted by The World Famous at 1:19 PM on December 11, 2007

Booze.
posted by Stynxno at 1:20 PM on December 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Time, and refocusing your life on things you *do* want.
posted by davejay at 1:23 PM on December 11, 2007

Also: having everything you want doesn't mean you'll be happy; it usually means you'll be content with occasional periods of active happiness. It's also likely that if you're able to read this sentence, you don't necessarily have the ability to fully identify and/or quantify the things that truly make you happy.

Besides, if happiness were a list of things, and you obtained all those things, you'd no longer be happy because you'd have nothing to look forward to. Part of happiness is surprise.
posted by davejay at 1:24 PM on December 11, 2007

Sex with a beautiful woman.
posted by waraw at 1:28 PM on December 11, 2007

talk to a shrink
posted by Salvatorparadise at 1:29 PM on December 11, 2007

Sex with a beautiful woman with whom you are mutually happy and in love, some day. Confidence that day will come.
posted by bunnycup at 1:31 PM on December 11, 2007

Time will heal, but you have to get away from that person and get on with your life. You may not heal in a straight line, that doesn't mean you aren't making progress. Stay far away from her and live your life.
posted by MiffyCLB at 1:41 PM on December 11, 2007

Stop thinking she was "everything you wanted" - clearly that wasn't the case. Some things aren't permanent.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:14 PM on December 11, 2007

Don't be too hard on yourself-- what you think you want rarely remains the same throughout your life, especially if you get it. Frequently relationships that are one's definition of "perfect" merely serve to re-define what it is you -actually- want. It's a growing experience, one that helps you get to know yourself (the good and the bad) better.

Just because you WANT to want something, or USED to want something, doesn't mean you should stick with it past its expiration date. Move forward, be kind to her-- hopefully you didn't wait until you snapped and cheated or did something overly harmful, so that you might be able to keep her in your life in the future somehow. If you feel certain that there's no romantic future between you two, it was ultimately a good thing to free the other person, so you should also free yourself from the guilt of being human and fickle.
posted by np312 at 2:14 PM on December 11, 2007

You should never be with anybody more than a week over 'feelings.' 'Feelings' don't make relationships work. 'Feelings' change constantly. 'Feelings' aren't the basis of two people working well together. If you weren't happy, then something was wrong with the relationship. It's not mystical, it's real. Put your finger on it. Figure it out. Talk long and hard with a friend or a shrink about it and find out what was making you unhappy.

Of course you're going to feel like shit if you ended a relationship of three years because of an unexplained feeling. Until you explain it, you won't feel better. It'll be scary, because you'll have to confront the possibility that you made a mistake in ending it. But, in the end, you'll be able to say "it didn't work because I can't be with someone who won't respect me," or "it didn't work because I can't be with someone who picks their toes that way," or, at the very worst, "it didn't work because I thought it should be based on feelings rather than some more solid things, like trust and friendship."

Then, when you can make sense of what's happened, go get drunk. Try to do it with friends, as it's more likely to be safe that way.
posted by koeselitz at 3:26 PM on December 11, 2007 [5 favorites has favorites]

I went through a very similar situation, and the most important thing I had to do to move on was to let go of my guilt. Kudos to you for recognizing that your feelings had changed and not dragging it out; however, I know it can be excruciatingly difficult to deal with your pain, as well as hers. Just keep remembering that it was ultimately the best decision, and that a little pain now is exponentially better than staying together out of obligation and building up a whole lot of pain.

Also, what helped me was, for the first week or so, to set aside a specific 30-minute block in my day when I could just wallow. It's unfair to expect you to just get over this in a snap, but you can also end up in a slippery slope of being depressed all day, so it's surprisingly helpful to just let it all out at once in a controlled session. For those 30 minutes I would usually lock myself in the bathroom and just be epically bummed, cry a little and feel like a shithead; then, I would wash my face and go on with my day. If I felt pangs at other times, I just reminded myself that I had a specific time set up for that, and would file it away for later. It sounds a little self-help-y, but I swear it works.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 3:58 PM on December 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have never gotten over anyone that I truly loved. YMMV
posted by RussHy at 4:26 PM on December 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

koselitz's comment is really, really good.

I was with someone for four years, and married to him for three of those years, when our collective problems overtook the "feelings" we had for each other and staying together was no longer tenable. Specifically, for my ex, it came to the point where his feelings hit the wall and he simply didn't love me anymore.

This is the problem with a relationship based on feelings. Feelings change.

I was, as one might imagine, devastated. I did every thing I could to hold on to the relationship, but once it was totally and completely over, I made up my mind to just move on with my life and go forward. (One thing I learned while teaching preschool that has sort of become my motto is "Always forward, never back.") It was rough. I still think about the relationship, its good and bad qualities, and I treasure the good for what it was and try to use the bad memories to build up experience for next time.

One thing that my dad said to me after the breakup that I'm not sure if I agree with 100%, but I definitely agree with at least 80% is "Love isn't a feeling, it's a decision." What's important in a relationship isn't feeling like you love someone, it's deciding to love them even in those moments when all you feel is barely love, and more like, well, like. These sort of relationships are hard to come by, especially since in the beginning stages of any relationship you're so swept up by endorphins that you're not really in the capacity to make decisions other than "Your place or mine?" Once that initial phase wears off (I read somewhere that this happens between two and four years into the relationship), if feelings were all that you had to go on, you're not left with much.

Be good to yourself and honor the good parts of the relationship by going forward from here to better things. Good luck.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:31 PM on December 11, 2007 [7 favorites has favorites]