Baby talk!
December 7, 2007 5:34 PM   Subscribe

I need practical advice from parents. I will become a father in the next 3-4 weeks. What should I be thinking about that I am not?

Everyone I speak with says "get your sleep now" and "it is so worth it" but truly, there are vast gray areas that I know are not covered. I need advice from people who have been there.

Looking back on your experiences, are there any things that you now know, that would have been gold, had you known them? Anything that you would strongly advocate for or against in childrearing? Are there ways that your partner made the delivery day better/easier/simpler? Any things that you wish your partner would have done for you? Any advice on recognizing signs of postpartum depression?

If it helps, we are in Chicago and (obviously) are due at the end of the first week of January.
posted by zerobyproxy to Human Relations (59 answers total) 28 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Get your sleep now" pretty much covers it.

And if mom plans to breastfeed, the first three weeks are the toughest. Get thru that and it's much easier. (And if the baby has to have one serving of formula during that first three weeks to let mom have time to catch up with supply the world will NOT end.)

(My daughter made me a grandma almost a year ago -Jan 2nd-so all this was rather refreshed in my memory.)
posted by konolia at 5:44 PM on December 7, 2007


When babies get fevers they are often higher than fevers in adults. My kids would get fevers of 103 as babies and it caused me total panics.

Also, when they finally cut teeth, they can get fevers.

It takes MONTHS before mom will be back to full strength. Childbirth is tough on the old girl and you need to remember that.

Mrs Butch says: the best laid plans of men and expectant mothers often go awry. What this means is that everything you learned in Lamaze class and chuck it out the window. While, in a perfect world, you (and your wife/baby mama) would be able to employ the relaxing breathing, etc., there are often lots and lots of surprises, so the best advice is to just go in with an open mind and know that, on the other side, you'll have a beautiful baby.

That said, one useful tip was to have a frozen bottle of water or two that you can roll up and down mom's back while she's in the throes of labor. Most helpful. Also, change as many diapers as you can. Don't ask if you should, just do it. Your selflessness won't be forgotten.

Finally, no two babies are alike. Yours will be different than your neighbors', your siblings', etc. So, avoid comparisons when at all possible. And no one knows your child like YOU. Everyone you know will be coming out of the woodwork to give you their advice. If it sounds good, try it out. Otherwise, follow your instincts. You'll find they're almost always right on target.

GOOD LUCK & CONGRATULATIONS!
posted by chocolate_butch at 5:45 PM on December 7, 2007 [3 favorites]


Mrs. Butch again: By the way, all women experience a rush of hormones right after childbirth and most get extraordinarily weepy for a time afterward. If, however, your wife seems overtly sad or moody for an extended period (I'm talking, like, 3 months or so), have her get some help. Her OB will know what to do. Generally PPD is caused by a hormonal imbalance and can often be corrected with medication (I'm living proof). But it's a serious thing and shouldn't be ignored -- it won't just go away.
posted by chocolate_butch at 5:49 PM on December 7, 2007


I'm not a parent, but my sister and most of my close female friends are.

All of them, in one way or another, said something about how "no one tells you how hard it is at first." By that, they meant that they were all sort of shocked by the fact that it's just unavoidably overwhelming, no matter how well-prepared you think you are, to have a new and helpless life depending on you. And each of them suspected there was something somehow wrong with feeling overwhelmed -- like, "I have the car seat and the crib and the supportive husband/mother/sisters/friends and a thousand burp cloths, and yet I still feel totally terrified, which must mean this was all a huge mistakeomgomgomgOMG, honey-what-are-we-going-to-do-we're-going-to-have-to-take-the-baby-BACK!!!" (Of course, if this feeling persists beyond a few weeks, it could be a clear sign of postpartum depression.)

So I guess I would tell you that if you or your wife have any sense of rising panic or shock those first days/nights (oh, especially the nights), try to take a deep breath and remember that everyone sort of panics a little bit. And that it's normal to feel a little shocked, like your life is suddenly turned upside-down... because, well, it is turned upside-down. In an ultmately wonderful way, of course, but upside-down nonetheless. Neither of you will adjust immediately, but just remember: you will, eventually, adjust.

Congratulations!
posted by scody at 5:52 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


Bond with your wife! The year ahead will be stressful on your relationship and based on my own experience, if I had to do that over again I would make an extra effort to wine & dine my wife and make her feel special before the birth, as there isn't time for that afterwards and it can rapidly turn into a roommates-type marriage. That's not ideal because you'll need to depend on each other.
posted by chips ahoy at 5:55 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


It's been five years since I've had a baby, but here are some of the things that really worked for us at the time and things I would suggest that we didn't do:

- If your wife is breastfeeding, during those middle of the night feedings, rub her back when she gets back into bed and tell her she's a great mom. Do this regardless of how she feeds the baby.

- Accept offers of food and help from family.

- Try to cook a few things beforehand to pull from the freezer.

- Cherish those early days, though they are tough. You'll have lots of snuggly time with your wife and new babe, and those are really wonderful moments, despite the sleeplessness. You can spend all day in the freaking bed if you want.

- Tell your wife she looks beautiful and she's a great mom, even when she's still hormonally swollen and she's crying and her breasts are leaking. This works during labor too.

- Oh, speaking of labor, don't freak out - at least outwardly - about anything you see.

- And those choices that seem so monumental - at least for me at the time - epidural or not, breast or not, co-sleep or not, paci or not, etc etc... you and your wife do what feels right to you. As my mother said at the time, all that baby needs is love, and you can't spoil her by holding her all you want.

I'll write if I think more - this is just off the top of my head. Best of luck to you and your wife, zerobyproxy!
posted by lucyleaf at 5:55 PM on December 7, 2007


I tell all new parents to just get through the first six weeks. Tell yourself that it will get better than this. When people make jokes about at least it's not a teenager, they do not mean the first six weeks. The first six weeks are like boot camp. They break you down only to build you back up later.

And I completely agree that every baby is radically different. So maybe yours will be the first 4 weeks. Maybe it will be the first eight.

For me, after the first six weeks, I was able to fall in love and that made everything else worth it. The first six weeks were like, "Wait, why did we agree to get a roommate that keeps us up all night, drains me of all energy and doesn't even like me?"
posted by Gucky at 6:00 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


chocolate_butch writes "When babies get fevers they are often higher than fevers in adults. My kids would get fevers of 103 as babies and it caused me total panics. "

From the Mayo Clinic site:

"Fever. Mild fevers are common and usually harmless, but it's important to keep an eye on the thermometer. Contact the doctor if your baby is younger than age 2 months and has a rectal temperature of 100.4 F or higher or if your older infant has an oral or ear temperature of 102 F or higher."

Fever in newborns can be extremely dangerous. Since the poster is about to have a newborn, I thought it was important to point out. Please do freak out if your very young baby has a 103 degree fever.
posted by peep at 6:01 PM on December 7, 2007


16-month-old just went to sleep upstairs, so may I suggest:
1) Let your partner sleep as much and as often as possible. Even more important if she's breastfeeding to try to minimize the inevitable stress as much as you can. As a late-stage pregnant woman, you're often looking forward to both the birth and also "having your body back", and the latter just doesn't happen for a few months, even if you don't breastfeed.
2) Sounds simple, but put a note up somewhere that reminds you to hug your partner every day and perhaps say/do something that comes to mind to further show appreciation. You'll see the results immediately.
3) Remember that a lot of today's cameras take simple video... you can get a minute of a bath, a nap, or just the first laughs (even though they're gas, you'll tear up, believe me.)
4) Family, if you're close, often wants to be helpful. GUIDE THEM. Instead of just having people visit, ask them to help you get over the "new parent hurdle". Can they run the vacuum while you take mom and baby to the coffee shop? Could they show you how to do the football hold while mom gets an extra nap? Could they fold the laundry with you while mama rocks the child and you all talk? Our family was so grateful to be given something to do that REALLY helped us. (And hey, you can approach them now about what they might like to do!)
5) Start a 529, if you haven't already. If anyone wants to chip in, great (!) and speaking as a financial planner, for now you can name your wife as the benny, and then switch it to your child later. (Invest 40K before age 2 and you'll have your child's college education paid for in full by the time they are ready to go, even if they decide they want to go to a private, fairly spendy place. And no, I'm not saying you need to do 40K, everyone... just giving the figure. Yes, it's still more important to save for the parent's retirement.)
posted by Arch1 at 6:02 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


Everyone says "It'll change your life forever" for a reason. I'm sorry I can't tell you how, but you'll get to find out soon. Congratulations.

I cry at cheesy scenes in movies that involve parenting themes. That scene in Finding Nemo when they daddy turtle tells Nemo's dad that sometimes you just gotta let kids go? Yeah, sobbing.

Oh, and try this thread.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 6:09 PM on December 7, 2007


First, congratulations!

Second, I'll second the advice on post-partum depression. Everyone gets it a little differently, and her OB or midwife will let the both of you know what to look for if it's gone on too long. Ditto for the breastfeeding advice. If your hospital has a lactation specialist (and many do now), avail yourself of the session. You can also get free samples of the Lansinoh, I'm given to understand, is worth its weight in gold.

Third, follow the advice in the first paragraph of the (Dr.) Spock book, which is: relax. You know more than you think you do. We're wired for it.

As for the rest, my wife had excellent luck taking Evening Primrose oil in the last few weeks of her pregnancies. You can pick it up at any GNC, and she should check with her OB/GYN before starting it. It's supposed to 'ripen the cervix'. It won't start labor, but it's supposed to make things a little easier. The only other herbal-type remedy she's used has been Fenugreek, which can boost her supply. This is also available at GNC and most pharmacies. Lastly on breastfeeding, take a look at the pumps by Medela.

For bottles, use Dr. Brown brand bottles. They're lifesavers. Don't bother with the Wipe-Warmer. Total waste. Same with the Diaper Genie.

No one ever says "man, if only I'd had fewer pictures of him/her when she was an infant". Take tons of pictures.

We've had mixed success with gripewater for treating colic, but many folks swear by it.

Use Boudreaux's Butt Paste for rashes. Yes.

Lastly, be prepared to be Third Banana for awhile. It can come as a bit of a surprise, even if you're preparing for it.
posted by jquinby at 6:12 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


It's quite possible that you won't get a full night's sleep for the next few years. Heed the "sleep" advice.

Oh, and you will screw up. Forgive yourself when you do.
posted by idb at 6:16 PM on December 7, 2007


I always hate giving this advice, but I always do anyway:

That first week after you come home? Dishes? You're not going to want to deal with them. And that can make for a gross kitchen, just when you're trying to get everything all sparkly hygienic for the new arrival. Disposable plates and cutlery saved my sanity. Well, some of it.
posted by YamwotIam at 6:22 PM on December 7, 2007




This may be heresey, but realize that the average Internet parenting experience does not have to be yours. I have a six-week old, and before she came, I tried to avoid reading too much online advice. I did not need/want a doula, was pro-epidural, did not go to prenatal yoga classes, never even took a Lamaze class, etc. These opinions made me feel pretty isolated online, but they are just as valid an option as the other.

It just seemed like every Internet parent was the crunchy granola type who overthought everything. People told me "This WILL happen" a million times and those things never happened to me. I kind of resented them getting me freaked out about it. Just because it happened to them (anything from swollen feet to colic) does not mean it will happen to you.

People have been doing this forever. It will work out!

That said, my best tips: Don't forget to encourage your wife to take her pain meds, even if it's just Advil. With all the baby excitement, I forgot, and once I started taking mine, those first days home were much better.

And check into renting a breast pump. If she's never nursed before, the pump can give well-needed relief in those early days when baby seems like she'll never latch on. Your hospital can give you a list of places--here in Seattle, someone home-delivered a rental!
posted by GaelFC at 6:26 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


A couple things I am glad I did:

First: even though we are supposedly so very enlightened in our gender roles, it seems most moms are quick to jump up when the diaper needs changing, and most dads are content to let them. Diaper changing is not a pleasant activity, but it can be an important time of bonding. This may sound weird, but I loved diaper-changing! As my daughter got older, it became a time of great fun for both of us. I would make it as silly as possible (hint: wearing the clean diaper like a hat while you remove the dirty one is a big hit, with your baby and anyone watching; just make sure it's the clean one). Also, since many babies don't like to be still long enough to get changed, making it a fun time will get you more cooperation as your baby gets older. Your partner will be thrilled if you volunteer to do the night time changes.

If you are bottle-feeding, do as many feedings as possible yourself. Be proactive about this. It's an incredible bonding time. As in the changing, do the night feedings. Just determine ahead that you will do any late-night stuff you can, without getting into whose "turn" it is. Yes, it's a pain to get up out of a comfy bed, and yes, you do have to work the next day, but you will survive. I probably did 90% of all the late-night changing and feeding, and those are some of my most memorable times. I don't remember being tired, I just remember being thrilled at spending time with my baby daughter.

Possibly obvious, but... be prepared with more stuff than you think you need. Yes, it's a pain to carry around a diaper bag full of stuff, but it's a bigger pain to be somewhere and run out. Or, to change your plans while out, then realize you have to go home instead because you are out of diapers or formula.

During the delivery itself, be patient, don't take anything your partner says personally, and realize that you are essentially useless. That's only partly a joke. In the grand scheme of things, while she is painfully and bravely producing life, you can only offer ice-chips and tell her how to breathe. Be prepared to feel useless. And do whatever she tells you to.

Another delivery room tip: make sure YOU eat and drink enough! I'm not kidding. If she is in labor, but far from delivery, and has help in the room, there is no shame in leaving for a minute to grab some food and water. (Nothing smelly on your breath tho.) You will be running on adrenalin, and may not realize how many hours have passed since you ate or drank, and that's a recipe for YOU passing out when you are most needed. You need to be at your best, and not make the nurses kick you aside to get to the mom.

Be selfless. Your baby will have to come first, but the surest way to be frustrated is to expect it to be any different. At a restaurant, you may eat cold food, if at all. As others have told you, don't expect to get as much sleep as you want. You may have plans to go out, and they may change at the last minute because the baby is sick, or cranky. I could list many specifics situations, but in general, don't set yourself up for frustration by expecting it to be any different.

Keep in mind that everything you do with and for your child, no matter how young or old, is an investment in the future. No one ever looked back and wished they had spent less time with their kids. When it gets difficult, and it will, bear in mind there is nothing else in your life that will bring you more satisfaction than being a good dad.

And finally, a personal story that I hope is useful: In the time leading up to my daughter's birth, I had all the typical doubts and fears of any expectant parent. I was going to be responsible for another life! I have no idea what I am doing! I have never been a father! I don't know how to be a father! What if I suck at it? Then, the instant she was born and I held her, all those doubts and fears dropped away. I looked at her, and said to myself: "I can do this! I'm going to be a good dad!" I think I have been, and I think I still am. My daughter sure thinks so. And I think you will be a good dad, too. Showing enough care to ask for input is a great first step.

Congratulations and good luck!
posted by The Deej at 6:31 PM on December 7, 2007 [3 favorites]


At the moment, if something in your life goes according to plan that's normal. Once you have a child, if something in your life goes according to plan it's a bonus.

You won't believe people who tell you that baby-poo goes everywhere until you find yourself cleaning it out of your child's navel.

Babies pick up on mood. In our parents' group the families with stressed, nervy babies are the ones with stressed, nervy parents. So relax.

Make friends with other new and soon-to-be dads. Being able to talk to someone who understands but who isn't family is great.
posted by Hogshead at 6:35 PM on December 7, 2007


be prepared for the possibility that the baby loves the mother but hates you. but with a little effort it will grow to tolerate, and then like you.

and also, this is the easy part. it gets harder.
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 6:35 PM on December 7, 2007


You will teach them far less than you think you will, and they will teach you far more.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:44 PM on December 7, 2007


Lots of good advice here already, and I would add the following:

- Get the Swaddle Me Swaddling Blanket. The velcro makes the whole process much less frustrating at 4a.m., and swaddling seemed to help our little guy sleep better

- Use white noise to help with getting the babe to sleep - it seemed to help at times (there are free white noise mp3s you can download, or just tune your radio to an empty spot on the dial)

- Hang with other dads when you can those first few months, and don't be surprised if your buddies without kids have no idea what your new life is like.

- While you're in the hospital, if one of the nurses offers to take your newborn for a couple hours to let you two rest, do it. I stayed in the room with my wife and child for two days (the room had a king size bed and it was great bonding time.

- Baths - try getting in the tub and holding your baby while momma bathes him/her. We found this easier on everyone than putting the boy into a little tub on a countertop in a cold house. Also, put Vaseline on any eczema patches right after the bath.

- You'll adjust to the lack of sleep. It won't always be fun, but it's amazing how you learn to function on so little sleep.

Good luck and enjoy this awesome time in your life!
posted by man on the run at 6:45 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'm going with an assumption that you're going back to work fairly soon, but that your wife will probably stay home a bit longer. And I think that communication between parents often breaks down at that time. You'll come home from work, and you'll want to help and take some work away from the tired mom. But being away for 8-10 hours means you don't understand all the baby's cues as well as she does. And then, when the weekend comes, you won't know the baby's sleep and food schedule as well as she does.

So in some families, the Mom just takes over, she thinks it easier if she does everything herself rather than take the time to explain it to you. And then she resents that she's doing everything herself, and the father gets even less time to figure out the child's needs on his own. Cycle repeats and repeats.

I'm a geek. So I solved this problem by making a spreadsheet of the baby's sleep, poop and eating schedule. Then, when my husband came home, he could look at the daily and weekly trends and be able to make a good guess about our kids needs without me needing to hover over his shoulder to tell him what was going on. And it kept me sane to be able to figure out my child's preferred schedule within a few weeks of coming home. A diary or calendar could accomplish the same thing.
posted by saffry at 6:47 PM on December 7, 2007 [8 favorites]


I'm glad you asked. The first poop that comes out of the baby after birth is the most disgusting thing you will ever see. It is not the normal poop that you will see from there on out. It's just a one time special poop. I wish someone had told me to expect this, because I was quite worried that THAT poop was the regular poop that I would deal with from then on. But after that the poop was ok.

Also you will probably eventually drop the baby. Not when s/he's like a little tiny infant, but later on. Don't worry, most dads drop the baby at some point. I have dropped both of my kids and they are fine, mostly.
posted by poppo at 7:06 PM on December 7, 2007


As the mother, when I was breastfeeding my babies, the rule was that I would feed and change them in the middle of the night but if they did not immediately go back to sleep, they became Daddy's problem.

When I first went back to work, my husband to took a leave of absence to stay home when baby #1 was about 2 months old. This was wonderful because I couldn't swoop in and rescue them. (As saffry said, usually the mother knows the cues better). This was a tremendous bonding experience for them and gave both of us the confidence he could handle the kid on his own for an entire day.

Also, the best way to introduce a bottle is to do when mom isn't home - if the baby is well established on the breast, the baby will hold out for breast milk if mom is there or likely to come home soon. First day I was back at work, baby kept refusing the bottle until he finally got hungry enough to figure out how to make it work. By day 3, he had no problem going back and forth (although he still would refuse a bottle from me.)

This was just my kid, but sometimes when he was really fussy, I would take him outside (well bundeled in a blanket) and walk around the front yard. The cold seemed to surprise him into stop crying. Many people will tell you that driving in the car works wonders. Sometimes setting the baby seat on top of the dishwasher or washing machine will also work.

Singing to a crying baby is good way to keep your sanity even if the baby doesn't seem to care.
posted by metahawk at 7:06 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


Here are a few posts I've made on similar threads in the past.
posted by plinth at 7:14 PM on December 7, 2007


Don't use the computer for the first two weeks of your new baby's life, unless you're posting pictures or sending an announcement. You will definitely have better things to do than read Metafilter, and you'll never get those weeks back.

Try to get your baby on a sleep schedule as early as possible. The sooner you do it, the easier it will be (for everybody involved). My wife and I recommend the following books to every new or expectant parent we meet:

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
On Becoming Baby Wise

Both books emphasize that sleep is monumentally important for the health and growth of your baby, but also important for the health of your relationship with your partner. If baby doesn't sleep well, nobody sleeps well. Parenting can be hard, but if nobody sleeps well it's really hard.
posted by danblaker at 7:18 PM on December 7, 2007


Your baby's fever will come at night on Friday after the doctor's office is closed, and you'll become frantic about the time the pharmacy's closed. Get some periatric liquid ibuprofen to set aside for later.
posted by Pressed Rat at 7:23 PM on December 7, 2007


These may seem not important, but most people have covered the big stuff:

If you have a girl, the baby may have a "period" in her diaper. Just a little left over hormones from mom. I had read about it, but it happened about 2 weeks after she was born (so I wasn't expecting it anymore) and it was more blood than I expected.

Feel free to call your doctor or the exchange if it makes you feel better. You aren't bothering them and sometimes they made me feel uncrazy. And pediatricians are used to hearing from new parents.

I was not good about keeping up with baby books. I started a letter to both of my children that I update once every two months or so. I just write a few sentences about what is going on and what they are doing. It makes me feel like I am documenting their lives without all the construction paper in scrapbooking!

Congrats and best of luck!
posted by beachhead2 at 7:25 PM on December 7, 2007


I would make an extra effort to wine & dine my wife

Dine her, but maybe hold off on the wine until after delivery. No need to expose baby's developing neurons to alcohol.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:32 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


Definitely second The Deej.

Lifesavers for me were a baby sling, lots of socks, Eddie Izzard tapes (your comedian of choice - anything that makes you/her laugh is good), and a medical breast pump.

And then there's the auto parts store

On preview, danblacker is pretty on target about staying offline -especially parenting groups*. Go anywhere but parenting sites. Seriously. Find a few people you trust and work with them. Right now, while it's still not real you can talk to strangers on the 'net. When itty bitty is screaming in your ear you need to be talking to a human.

*unless you've already got an established relationship with someone there.
posted by lysdexic at 7:33 PM on December 7, 2007


Starting at about two weeks of age, some babies begin crying more and may be hard to soothe. This is similar to colic, but happens even to babies that don't have the exact symptoms of colic. For several weeks, my baby spent hours screaming at me every evening, and it was incredibly stressful and upsetting. It helped to find out that it is normal, and that it peaks around two months and stops by three or four months.
posted by mbrubeck at 7:35 PM on December 7, 2007


One thing I never hear anybody speak about with a new child... As a father I quickly noticed I was not in the shape I needed to be in. It's possibly too late but for future readers might I recommend you spend some time hitting the gym as much as possible before the baby.

This serves quite a few purposes including being able to handle sleep deprivation periods better.
posted by Octoparrot at 7:36 PM on December 7, 2007


Help change diapers, make it an even 50/50. Even if you are working and your wife is not. That is the thing I hear most women complain about is that the dad never or rarely helps with the diapers. As a mom, that was something I definitely appreciated. The laundry, the dishes, the house cleaning, I never cared too much (except maybe the trash getting picked up and the litter box getting done)...just remember, to be a good dad, you must not only be a good dad to the new baby, you must remember the baby's mom. Unless you are in a tense situation with the mom, which you had not stated, make her life as easy as possible.

If you are in a tense situation, I would have to honestly say that quality time is most important. There are numerous psychological studies that show that a new baby can only differentiate its mother's voice, partly because the baby was in her womb for 9 months and became familiarized with it. But do that, become familiar with your child. They grow up quick, so soak up every minute. Even if you are just watching tv, hold the baby, even if the baby is sleeping. Memorize their faces, because as you look at them, they see your face too. And if that face is constantly present, they will grow to know they have a dad that will be there. Feed the baby, give the baby a bath. These are simply things, but many think it is the new mom's job to them. I think this should be split 50/50. With all the deadbeat dads these days, that is all a child really needs is to have a father around.
posted by dnthomps at 7:43 PM on December 7, 2007


for what it's worth, here's a mistake my dad made with me that we laugh about now, but which wigged him out terribly at the time: i was being fussy on the floor and wouldn't let myself be picked up, so he picked me up by one arm. between my fussiness and the angle he was at, he dislocated my arm at the elbow (right in front of my grandmother, no less. how embarrassing.)

it was christmas eve, and since he didn't want to go to the hospital and get an abuse file opened on him, he took me to a doctor friend who was hosting a christmas dinner at the time and who reset my elbow on his doorstep. 30 years later, it's still working fine.

to avert this, i will pass along another hint that a friend discovered: dress the child in overalls. if you need to single-handedly pick up the little munchkin, it's a perfect full-body harness: grab a strap and go--the rest will be reasonably supported no matter what. obviously this is not for long-term toting, just immediate situation resolution (bobby, get away from the fireplace!)
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:44 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


One more thing that surprised me after our daughter was born: the first couple months can be a little boring for the dad, compared to expectations. Your life will definitely change, but not in some magical way. You'll get less sleep, you'll spend less quality time with your partner, and you'll end up doing more around the house. Those first weeks are definitely mom-and-baby time.

Hang in there, though, because it gets better and better and better.

I highly recommend keeping a baby blog. If you start one now, you and your partner can practice posting before you get too busy to think. We went with Blogger, and set it up so it won't appear in Google searches. So easy, and it really keeps the relatives happy.
posted by danblaker at 7:45 PM on December 7, 2007


My advice is to beware of advice

If you're still reading, let me explain.

The best parenting advice in the world, whether it come from books or from the internet, may not apply to your particular baby. Our first would not sleep without constant motion or physical contact, and all the advice from every book we read (we're both librarians, so we found and read all the books) and every parenting board we scoured was for naught. Ferberizing, controlled crying, No Cry Sleep Solution, swaddling, slings, white noise - The child would simply not sleep on his own. Until he did. At 3 years. But writing a book that says "Wait three years (or five, or seven), and he'll finally get it" won't sell next to the promise of a week of Ferberizing.

Which doesn't mean that Ferber and crew are selling a complete load of horseshit. Our second child didn't really wake up for more than an hour or two for the first few months, and then accepted his solitary sleep in his elder brother's unused crib with little fuss. Our attitudes or initial practices didn't change - our babies did.

It was the same with nursing - my first would not breastfeed to save his life, although he would happily gulp down formula and, later, pumped milk. It took four months of pumping every three fucking hours around the fucking clock before he finally saw the benefits of a direct delivery system. (And why was I so persistent? - I was apparently trawling the same Crunchy Parent Internet sites that GailFC mentions above, and would no sooner have give my child Mountain Dew than formula.) Second baby - me armed with cans of formula and an almost fetishistic array of bottle-feeding paraphernalia - started nursing about 10 minutes after birth.

The best advice you're going to get are on practical matters (plastic dishes, letting the mother in law take the baby while you shower, bring a change of clothing for baby and mom, Norstrom in Fashion Valley Mall has the private nursing area). Grand, sweeping pronouncements about modifying behavior might be helpful, or they might just frustrate the holy fuck out of you.

Um - and you should probably stop saying "fuck," if you do it as much as I do. You can still type it on Metafilter though.

Good luck. Kids are so fucking neat.
posted by bibliowench at 7:46 PM on December 7, 2007 [3 favorites]


Nine month old in the house, wish I had had babies sooner. It's so fun! In addition to the good stuff above, here are some thoughts:

a) It Will All Work Out. (Unless it doesn't but most likely it will.)
b) It's Not Personal. Your rights as a single person are officially over, and you don't get to do stuff from before. Sorry. I hope that sex was worth it. Because really, you are Third Banana, and that won't change for a long, long time. The only thing that changes is that you don't care as much after a while.Your wife and you are on completely different paths to the same place called Loving Your Kid more than you love yourself. (Isn't evolution amazing?) She may get their faster than you, slower than you, or with more/less ups and downs about it all.
c) This is the single year you and your wife are most likely to create the relationship issues that cause you to get a divorce within the next few years. She will say stuff she doesn't really mean and so will you - get over it. Respect her, take great care of yourself and her, and be patient with everyone involved.
d) Your job is to change ALL diapers when you're around, feed the baby if you can, and do more than half of the housework. Your job begins when you get home, and ends when you go back to work. (Depending on your home situation of course.) At my house, we have a Night Mommy and a Day Mommy, and have a list of chores that we split evenly BEFORE the baby came. It's saved a lot of arguments and Silent Resentment.
e) It's all good and, again, it will all work out. Talk to other recent dads a lot, they'll let you know you're not crazy.
posted by pomegranate at 8:05 PM on December 7, 2007


Write a lot of stuff down. You think you're going to remember every moment of the first few weeks of your baby's life, but a year later it'll be a blur and you'll be glad you took notes and pictures.
posted by escabeche at 8:07 PM on December 7, 2007


(OMG Bibliowench same here re first nursing experience! Sucked, but eventually she caught on. )
posted by pomegranate at 8:09 PM on December 7, 2007


(I am not a parent, but I helped raise a person.)

1) Whatever works for you is what you must do. People will give you tons of advice. They're talking about stuff that happened to work for them. If it sounds good to you, give it a try, if not, nod and smile and ignore. You're going to have a unique tiny person with unique tiny-person needs and desires, and the fact that their baby loved to sleep in the swing may not apply.

2) Don't buy big-ticket items until after the baby's here.

3) Don't buy too much before the baby's here, period. You may end up deciding for or against cloth diapering or co-sleeping or whatever your current plan is.

3b) However many onesies and receiving blankets and washcloths you have right now, double it. It's so worth it when you're exhausted and there's poop everywhere and you're down to the last change and you're too tired and stressed to do laundry.

3c) Buy your onesies a size bigger than you think the baby will be at birth. Slightly-too-big clothes will only be slightly too big for a really short time.

4) Sleep! You must sleep when the baby sleeps. If your house is a swamp, it doesn't matter. Don't give in to the urge to clean/catch up on email/organize your taxes. When the baby sleeps, you must take a rest. It'll get better after the first few weeks, but in the beginning, if the baby is sleeping, find a horizontal surface and collapse.

5) People have hangups about breastfeeding. Try to go into it with the belief that it's what your wife's body was meant to do, and that it'll all be fine. If it ends up working out differently, deal with that when it comes. But don't prepare for the worst. Ignore people who are dying to telling how hard/painful/impossible/a huge sacrifice it is.

6) When people want to visit, they will want to bring gifts. Tell them to bring food that's already prepared and just needs to be shoved in the oven.

7) Speaking of food, if you have a freezer, stock up with really easy to make foods now. You are probably not going to want to cook for the first week or two.

7b) Stock up on foods you can potentially eat with one hand. Granola bars, frozen burritos, that kind of stuff. If you have a clingy baby, they're a lifesaver.

8) Buy a sling of some kind. Some babies don't like them. Most do, and they're not so expensive that it's a loss if it doesn't work out. It's much easier, counter-intuitively, to get things done around the house with a newborn who's snuggled on your chest than it is to when that same newborn is in some kind of crib.

9) You're not a bad parent. You'll have a moment when the baby is screaming and you're exhausted and you're absolutely and completely convinced that you are a terrible parent. Try to convince yourself now that that's nonsense, because it is. People have done this since the dawn of time. You know more than you think you do. You'll discover a whole set of instincts you didn't know you had. Relax. Trust yourself. Your parents kept you alive. You'll keep your baby alive. It'll be okay. Take a breath.

10) Take pictures! I wish we had taken more in the very beginning.

11) In the beginning, particularly if the mom is breastfeeding, the dad can feel kind of excluded. A lot of dads feel that way. It's pretty normal, nothing to worry about, and it passes. But friends of mine didn't ever go through that, at least in part because they - pre-baby - agreed that the husband's role was that of Great Protector And Advocate: he was the gatekeeper of people getting to the mom and baby, he called doctors and nurses and grandmas on behalf of the family, he was in charge of food and diaper runs. It's sort of dorky, but because his role was so formalized between him and the mom, he really got to feel like an essential part of their very new family- which, of course, he was.

12) Enjoy! Babies are hilarious and awesome, and they smell really good.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 8:15 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


Go out just the two of you in the next 3 to 4 weeks - it will be really hard to get later out so make the most of your alone time - See a couple of movies.

Good luck and if possible give your baby as many siblings as you can manage. There is no relationship like that of a brother or sister and as I go through life I find I love and rely on my sibs more and more.
posted by readery at 8:59 PM on December 7, 2007


1.) Get your sleep now. Seriously. Do it. Trust me. ;)

2.) Breastfeeding is a lot harder for some women than it is made out to be. If your wife decides to either supplement or bottle feed...keep those freaking Nipple Nazi's away from her. The LaLeche League almost had me suicidal when I was having trouble. I'll never forgive those bitches.

3.) Post partum depression is very real, and very scary for a lot of women. If after a few weeks you notice that your wife is exhibiting signs of depression, or is having trouble bonding, or whatever...please seek medical attention. Please.

4.) Relax. Really. Babies are a lot more sturdy than they appear. I mean, don't toss it on the trampoline, but it's ok to hold them, and snuggle them, and blow bubbles on their little tummies and count their toes and fingers over and over.

5.) Nothing in the whole world is groovier than New Baby Smell. Sniff away. Nobody who has ever had a baby will think you're weird.

6.) I highly, highly, highly recommend the "Girlfriends Guide to X" books; where X is pregnancy, First Year, Toddler, etc. Brilliant books, fun to read, good references, and gets you over the panic hump..

7.) You will panic. Everyone does. Take a deep breath, and realize that it'll all be ok. Pediatricians are used to 4am calls. Feel free to make one if you think it's necessary.

8.) Teach your baby sign language. I cannot stress this one enough. By 6 months, our son could do a lot of simple signs, like "More" and "Milk", and "Wet", and by a year, he could do pretty complex statements. This saved us an enormous amount of frustration that we saw with other people, because Boy could communicate, and thus didn't have the screaming fits when his needs weren't met...because he could tell us what his needs were. Do this, you will be so thankful.

9.) All babies scream and cry. Swaddling really helps. Find a nurse or a doula who can show you how to do it. Lifesaver, really.

10.) Have fun. Laugh. Get down on the floor with the baby. Roll around, play with blocks, shake rattles, quit worrying about spit up stains, and dust bunnies. Love them, hold them, cherish them. They are the most amazing thing you will ever do. I promise. :)

Congrats to you both. Now...go take a nap. ;)
posted by dejah420 at 9:44 PM on December 7, 2007


You absolutely have to get What To Expect the First Year. It's practically an instruction manual. I could have never survived four newborns without it.

You should both appreciate uninterrupted sleep while you can, because it probably won't happen again until you are empty-nesters! But it is truly worth it. Congrats!
posted by momzilla at 9:55 PM on December 7, 2007


Such great thoughts here! Congratulations :) My husband didn't become a dad until he was almost 40 (I have an older child) and I think I'm being accurate when I say he has been delighted by the experience. So that's the first thing-just get ready to be so in love with this little formless being, who will become a real person with a defined personality amazingly quickly. Our almost-2 year old is more excited to see her Daddy that any other person in the world. It's wonderful.

From the mom's perspective:
-don't let her be the default parent. I took more time off work, and now work half time. I sometimes resent the fact that I can never go anywhere without the baby without making a formal plan, whereas my husband can stop on the way home from work, pick something up at the store, take extra time running errands or saying hi to a friend, whatever, because he knows I'm there and doesn't have to worry.
-Take initiative when it comes time to do things around the house and for the baby. It's easy for mom to start being your mom, too-wash your clothes, buy you clean underwear, ask you to do chores. It's hard to be sexy with each other when you drift into those roles. Resentment around household chores can lead to huge marriage tension.
-When the baby is old enough, taking a bottle, whatever, offer to take the baby and give her time alone in the house. I mis that.
-If you can, finagle your paternity leave so you get some time in charge of the baby, assuming both of you will be working. My husband started his three months during the last month of mine, so we had 5 total, one together, and two months for him to really get into being Daddy without my interference. He loved it.
-Do the baths. I love that my husband is in charge of baths. Although babies are insanely cute at bathtime, once they get over being traumatized by water, it's never been my favorite chore. Husband and daughter have bathtime every night and it's really special for them, and it gives me 15 minutes of peace and quiet :)
-My husband LOVES the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD, and we found the techniques to be really helpful with our daughter. We also swear by the Amazing Miracle Blanket for swaddling.
posted by purenitrous at 10:01 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


OH, and I agree-baby sign language is a blast, and was very helpful for our daughter in the 6-12 month stage (and even now). Plus it's really cute :)
posted by purenitrous at 10:02 PM on December 7, 2007


Plenty of good advice here - As the dad of a 3.5 year old daughter and a 8-month old son, I'll add a few tidbits:

Against a backdrop of having read just about everything we could get our hands on and having taken an 8-session childbirth class, I adopted an attitude roughly described as, "Despite the knowledge I've felt it important amass, the one thing I know about this whole thing I have no idea what this will really be like until it happens."

I found this attitude helped keep me flexible and able to roll with the punches as it were. At some point before week 12, my wife confided that she didn't think it would be this hard. I was like, what could have possibly given you that idea? I still tease her about it every now and then.

Now despite that, I think my biggest misconception was imagining that a newborn is a blank slate, and your parenting style and choices will completey dictate the "personality" of your baby. We saw anxious parents with anxious kids, and "mellow" parents with smiling infants that slept through the night at 6 weeks and figured "A-ha! We'll just be mellow parents and shazam!" Now we consider ourselves mostly mellow parents (with touches of over-protectiveness here and there) but that's really in reaction to out daughter, not the other way around. To paraphrase, mke every effort to embrace and carry out the ideals you value as parents, but know the way your child is hardwired will sometimes force you to adjust and will very often drive the way you enact your parenting styles.

Ahhhh, sleep. YMMV (and it looks like I'm in the minority here), but an informal poll of my friends backs up my experience. It's really not that bad. Or at least, as it's the one factor you hear so much about beforehand, it takes on an unnatural size in the back of your mind that's quickly dwarfed by everything else you're swimming in. My wife and I generally woke up together for changes and feedings (rather than alternate we, without really planning on it, fell into something of a 2-person teamwork model - I'd control lights, gather supplies if needed, deal with refreshments, etc.) so it's not from a "I got to sleep while my wife nursed" point of view. I was awake pretty much every 2 hours for six months. But after the first couple of diaper changes (where we ran around like loons and turned all the lights on) you fall into a routine that minimizes waking for baby and keeps you mellow as well. I was amazed at how well the body adapts to a new schedule, and can recharge from a stretch of shuteye so short you wouldn't have bothered to call it a "nap" in your previous life. I wasn't running around like I'd just jumped out of an Irish Spring commercial, but I was reasonably coherent at work, etc...

And in terms of sleep training; if you end up needing it, read everything you can get your hands on, then make decisions that work and feel comfortable for YOUR situation. Know there are 2 (3 really, in my opinion) main schools of thought: The "cry it out" folks and the "no cry" (attachment parenting) folks. We were horrified by the Weissbluth book linked above and were determined to employ a no-cry solution that frankly got us no where. For us, Ferber was magic, and I tend to classify him (some crying but with lots of parent visits) as a third option between the extremes. But that was our situation. Your experience may be completely different, don't let anyone tell you what you "need" to do.

If you're (the royal "you're") breastfeeding and finding it difficult, please seek out a lactation consultant. As ours (a veritable miracle worker and gift from heaven) pointed out, as childbirth moved from house to hospital and multiple generations lived together less and less, the knowledge pass-down from mother to daughter faded. My wife was in extreme agony for a stretch, and nearly gave up, our consultant showed how very subtle changes in postion make all the difference in the world. My wife is currently nursing our son, and nursed our daughter to age two.

Good luck, take people up on offers of help; know that the toughest parts generally don't last beyond 8-12 weeks and you'll look back and realize the time flew by; play, play and play some more with the kidlet, and get ready for a grand adventure.
posted by jalexei at 10:05 PM on December 7, 2007


Oh, and! I forgot to mention something:

You MUST buy a NoseFrida. It's a gadget that's a tube on the end of a flexible tube, and, uh, you use it to suck snot out of your baby's nose. With your mouth.

I KNOW, you're repulsed. But it's GREAT. When babies get stuffy, it's really hard on them, and those bulb-sucker things do not actually work, and are hard and ouchy and make the baby cry. A NoseFrida (and don't worry, there's a filter thing in the flexible tubing so your mouth and the snot don't ever connect) is fast and easy and awesome.

(I know, you're still repulsed. But I'm serious. This is the best-ever baby gadget.)
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:19 PM on December 7, 2007


The fact that you're even wondering what you should be thinking about that you might not have already thought about is putting you ahead of the game.

It's never too early to start thinking about community -- not the online kind. You're going to want someone who gets it to rave/rant to. Grandparents are always fabulous, but sometimes you just want a buddy who gets it & doesn't remind you that you had it coming. Heh.

When changing diapers, point the exit end so that it isn't aimed at you. Seriously. When the shit flies, it flies everywhere. Usually when you're most tired & have the least energy reserves to deal with the particular indignity of being completely covered in baby shit. Definitely look back & laugh moment, but great sobbing tears of misery at the time. So make sure you're never "in range."

Also: don't play "upsy" with the baby after it's eaten for a good while. You know -- lifting baby up in the air by it's middle while it does the flying thing and everybody giggles? Yeah, it seems really obvious that this is a 'don't go there' thing, but I forgot more than once. Generally if I had enough energy to be playing upsy with baby, I had enough energy to laugh at myself for getting baby puke all over myself doing something I really should have known better than to do.

Congratulations! It's an amazing thing to be a parent.
posted by susanbeeswax at 11:26 PM on December 7, 2007


One last thing - in the first few weeks after the baby comes, your wife will produce Woman Trash the likes of which you have never seen. I'm talking shark chum here, bud, clots sometimes the size of golf balls. This is totally normal but one of those things no one mentions. Your job is to make sure she's comfortable (infant diapers or giant sanitary napkins drenched in witch hazel and stuck in the fridge for a while are great) and to take the trash out, daily, without comment. Of any kind.
posted by pomegranate at 5:47 AM on December 8, 2007


congrats!

a parent friend of mine has this suggestion:
when the baby just screams and screams and screams, there's not always a physical problem. Often it's just stress. The best thing you can do for the kid is just hold 'em and let 'em scream. Let 'em know you'll be there when they're sad.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:48 AM on December 8, 2007


Congratulations!

Here's what someone once told me: You don't have to be the perfect parent. You just have to be good enough for your particular baby.

The most important thing is to meet the baby's needs -- not to impress the neighbors with her appearance, not to own the most fashionable baby gear and not kill yourself in order to meet some unattainable media-created standard.

(Having said that, buy a sling that both of you can wear and a bouncer that's small enough to fit in the bathroom. I hung up a clear liner so I can look out and see Baby Monkeytoes while I shower.)

Also... someone always has to be the grownup. It can't be the baby, so it has to be one of you -- even when it's 5 a.m. and the baby has been screaming for hours and you have to get up for work and the cat is yarking up fish-flavored hairballs and you have to scrape ice off the car in a raging snowstorm. Both of you will want to hide in the bathroom... in a bar in Cozumel. That's when vowing to be the grownup, or at least trading off in really stressful situations, can be helpful.

Good luck. You're going to have a better time that you could ever imagine.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:20 AM on December 8, 2007


Lots of good stuff here!

My advice, as dad of two boys (one almost 18, one just 13):

Expect the unexpected. None of the advice you get or the stories you hear will precisely prepare you for what will really happen. Both of our boys came out via emergency C-sections, which of course made the Lamaze classes almost useless. I can't give you any advice about being a dad during labor and birth because we didn't go through those things!

When the new VW commercial comes on TV, the one where the baby only sleeps when the car is going more than 40MPH, my wife and I smile at each other, because #2 needed car trips to go to sleep.

If the baby is a boy, be careful when changing diapers. That thing about "Old Faithful" going off at the most inopportune time...such as when you're bending over the little guy...is so true, and endlessly amusing in retrospect. I don't know how baby girls are, but they surely can't match an 18-inch high yellow geyser in your face...
posted by lhauser at 9:45 AM on December 8, 2007


In the first several weeks, do everything you can not to invite extra work into your life. I'm thinking specifically about friends and relatives -- everyone wants to meet the baby and express their good wishes, and some even offer to help -- but their presence can be taxing unless you speak up. Two couples I know stated this rule baldly: anyone who steps over the threshold must provide a real meal or do a substantial chore. I didn't hear about any visitors who objected to the requirement. It's really okay to ask for specific favors: hand over some cash and a shopping list for the grocery store; ask someone to do a load or two of laundry; request some dinner dishes that can be frozen and reheated. If someone comes over and seems to be staying too long, be ready to ask them to leave... and if that's not your way, you might have to mentally rehearse. It's more normal for the new parents to ask too little than to ask enough in the way of help and forbearance. And it's not the end of the world for some people to have to wait a month or more before having an audience with your new tiny person.
posted by wryly at 11:21 AM on December 8, 2007


Collect menus from area restaurants that deliver. When we reproduced we were on a first name basis with several delivery drivers. Pizza and chinese get old fast.

If you have a choice, trade money for time.
posted by Wet Spot at 2:08 PM on December 8, 2007


Some great stuff here. For baby's skin: After bath time, dab baby, allowing it to stay kinda moist. Mix equal parts Eucerin and baby oil in you hands and grease up your little bundle of joy, followed by vaseline to seal it in. Now you have a slippery little piggy to have nakie time with. This keeps eczema away like no ones business, and fills the room with good baby smells.

Everyone will tell you how fast they grow up. They're wrong, it's MUCH faster than that. Savor!
posted by Scoo at 7:44 PM on December 8, 2007


Response by poster: A follow up: My daughter was born on January 3, 2008. She is doing great and mom is doing very well too. I appreciate all of the great advice that you have listed here. My wife had great luck getting our daughter to breast feed and she seems to be very willing to seek more milk from mom. We are lucky.

Before the baby came we really appreciated the time alone together. We went out to dinner, ordered food in, went for walks, etc. That was some really good advice. We went as far as planning what we are going to do this spring and summer. It was helpful to think about those things as we figure out our lives as a family.

Ferber is on the horizon.

Finally, holding my daughter and talking to her and knowing that she recognized my voice was one of the best feelings of my life.

Thank you all very, very much!
posted by zerobyproxy at 2:26 PM on January 4, 2008 [2 favorites]


That's delightful. Thank you for letting us know that your wee one is here!
posted by thehmsbeagle at 5:02 PM on January 4, 2008


Congratulations on your new baby. I just wanted to give you some advice about sleeping. Please do not to listen to people who insist you let that little baby 'cry it out'. For heaven's sake, it's an infant. Some will argue that the baby needs to learn how to self-soothe, but when your kid is 5 years old and still waking up in the middle of the night and diving into bed with you--well, let's just say you will wish you did things in a much kinder way when they were babies. Can you believe some people let their babies cry and cry and cry? I mean, if you were in a nursing home visiting your relative and you heard another resident sobbing in their room, you'd go see what you could do to help, or the staff there would, right? They wouldn't just ignore them. And that's an adult! Babies need to learn that they are safe, and they need to be responded to so there is good attachment between the baby and the parents. Let your baby learn the world is a safe place with people she can trust. Sometimes no matter what we parents do, they cry. Nonetheless, newborns needs comforting, because...well, they are newly born humans without the slightest perception of what is going on or how to deal with it. Also, I would suggest you get yourself a baby sling and wear your baby. It is a wonderful way to practice attachment parenting. Zerobyproxy, please email me if you would like me to send you a free brand new one with a user guide. I often send them to people with newborns.
posted by mamaraks at 5:27 PM on January 11, 2008


Response by poster: Thanks mamaraks. I totally agree with you and my daughter and I have been together a ton in the past week. She has slept on my chest the last couple of nights.

We have a sling and my wife used it for the first time today. No doubt, I will sling it up as well, at some point. I'd never let her cry and cry. No worries there. She is loved and a great baby. I appreciate your generous offer. Thanks.
posted by zerobyproxy at 8:31 PM on January 11, 2008


Zerobyproxy, there ought to be more guys like you. Your family is very lucky to have you.
posted by mamaraks at 6:18 AM on January 12, 2008


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