Who moved my sorbet into his stomach?

December 7, 2007 3:15 PM

How do you handle "personal property" in a marriage. I understand the "what's mine is yours and what's yours in mine" in theory, but don't some things just plain belong to one person or the other?

I guess I want to ask specifically: Regarding food, if there is food in the cupboard/refridgerator it is communal, that's cool. But I cannot get my husband to understand that when we buy two pints of frozen treat(ice cream, sorbet, etc) and he eats his entire pint in one sitting and I eat maybe a fourth of mine and put it in the freezer, intending to have more another night, and possible another, this doesn't go back into "community property" it is still mine to finish. If I don't finish it by the following day, he supposes it to be fair game and it is gone when I start thinking I want a sweet treat a couple of days later.

I have told him that I consider it mine, and it is rude of him to eat it. But he doesn't see it that way. Okay, mefites, am I thinking wrongly here? I know, there are bigger problems in the world, but I had a sweet craving a couple of minutes ago and my raspberry sorbet is gone!

posted by Jazz Hands to human relations (56 comments total)

We had the same problem with chocolate. My solution: I buy more chocolate. There is always chocolate in the house, so there's never the "you ate the last of the chocolate!" fight.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:19 PM on December 7, 2007

Whiteboard on the fridge - notes to SO to either back off my sweet treats or buy me new ones. You can never truly win this war btw.
posted by Lizc at 3:23 PM on December 7, 2007

Yeah, a good policy is "if you finish the last of it, get some more". That works for food or toilet paper or whatnot, shared between roommates, even when they're not married!
posted by aubilenon at 3:23 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Or you can just make a special point of saying "I'm saving this one for me, ok?" Then if he eats it, he's being a jerk.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:25 PM on December 7, 2007 [5 favorites]

My wife does the same thing to me - if I save a treat, she considers it fair game. Things I have learned from this:

-hide the stuff I like: I have a couple of secret stash points, where I save the treats I like. This obviously will not work with frozen food.
-develop a taste for things she doesn't like: I have, over time, found some treats I enjoy but she doesn't. This keeps them safe.
-lastly, and perhaps the most direct answer - finishing off her treats. If she leaves something yummy around, and I'm craving it - its gone. Like you, I find this rude...but it was the only way to get my point across. I can't say it completely stopped the behaviour, but it has lessened it.
posted by never used baby shoes at 3:25 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

In my household, we do each respect some food items as belonging to one or the other of us. Accordingly, it is okay if sometimes the other person has some of the sorbet that is not theirs without asking, but not all of it. There must always be at least a serving left. (Otherwise, the person must ask if it's okay to finish it, as I did today with the leftovers from my husband's last-night Chinese food.) Exceptions would be when food is really really low (I had to eat your bagel because there was no other food in the house) or if it is served to guests (usually in the case of my half-and-half).
posted by xo at 3:26 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Or, the more general point:
There's no pre-ordained right answer to the question "who owns this thing that we bought jointly?". There are only answers that you guys agree on together. In this case, you had different expectations -- ok, lesson learned, time to make explicit what your expectations are. You want one ice cream container that's your own. Maybe this means he can't eat it, maybe it means he can eat it but then has to get you another one the next time he leaves the house -- it's up to you to negotiate what rules you want to have.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:29 PM on December 7, 2007

You aren't thinking "wrongly" necessarily, but it is kind of petty to fume over ice cream when it is so very easy and cheap to replace.
posted by Brocktoon at 3:29 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

He's being inconsiderate, particularly since he knows that you are upset about it.
posted by The World Famous at 3:31 PM on December 7, 2007

The problem here isn't who "owns" the ice cream, it's that your husband is being a selfish jerk by deliberately and repeatedly doing something that clearly bothers you. All in the name of stuffing more ice cream down his throat.
posted by mkultra at 3:36 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

You could start labeling things with "His" and "Hers" freezer stickers...
Or decide that you want your "share" intact for some specified "hand off" period 2-4-6 days.
Married nearly 33 yrs. If this is your only issue, you're doing fine. Or make it less visible in the fridge/freezer. Place in a brown paper bag with "MINE" on it, note "Saving for Sunday Dinner".
posted by Agamenticus at 3:37 PM on December 7, 2007

Heh, not fuming here, just wondering what everyone else does about this. I wasn't very clear in my original post. I did say that I was saving the leftover, and he ate it anyway. And this is several times now. I would go out and get some more, but I'm in grubby clothes and need a shower and that's just too much work for me right now. I spent today putting the house back in order, cleaning, laundry, dishes... and I'm hormonal, tired, and cranky and just wanted my darn treat.
posted by Jazz Hands at 3:39 PM on December 7, 2007

This ice cream is mine please don't finish it all if you want more you will have to go get your own.
posted by jade east at 3:42 PM on December 7, 2007

i'm with mkultra on this one. he's being a jerk…but barring getting him not to be a jerk about it, maybe buy a third pint?
posted by violetk at 3:44 PM on December 7, 2007

I think the issue is that it's inconsiderate of him to gobble up something that you were saving. If he wants it that badly, he should go buy some more.
posted by christinetheslp at 3:44 PM on December 7, 2007

Mix some laxative into it.

Worked for my sister and her pinching room mate. ;)
posted by Solomon at 3:46 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Mr. Bunnycup and I assume things are communal unless stated otherwise. But also when he selects a treat of a limited size or that's almost empty, I tend to ask him if I may share it, and vice versa. I don't HAVE to do that, but he is my husband and I do LIKE to be NICE to him (and vice versa).

(And to use CAPITAL letters for EFFECT.)
posted by bunnycup at 3:46 PM on December 7, 2007

Ben & Jerry's lock.

Although my schizophrenic brother foils it, by jamming knives through the carton bottoms, and cleaning them out from underneath :-(
posted by paulsc at 3:47 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

... You've communicated to him to back off and he's not? I hope for your sake that this isn't a sign of the way the future will be. I know it's something relatively simple like food, but once one person expressly says that they consider it theirs, barring extreme circumstances; it's theirs.

Ways to work around it, if you're getting ice cream again, take 4 containers of the flavor that you want. If he protests, point out that he eats ice cream 4 times as quickly as you, so it's needed. If he's stereotypically male, he'll panic as if he's seen you messing with the termostat, and may even agree to wash to floor, much less not eat your ice cream if you put back the other 3 containers.

I could think of some other things too, but they're escalations of poor behavior. But maybe that could work. Mention that online people recommended that you hide cat shit in *your* unfinished ice cream for him to find if he steals it, and a whole bunch of worse suggestions in response to him not respecting a simple request. Say that you don't want to resort to things, but he's putting you in a bad situation. He's not respecting a simple request, and putting you in the situation of paving the way to becoming a door mat, or paving the way to an antagonistic, vengeful relationship.

It's supposed to be the two of you against the world; not a temporary alliance while looking for a good place in the other's back to plant your knife.

On Preview: jazzhands, I infer that you might not have been crystal clear that you expected it to be yours. In that case, simply be crystal clear. "Swingfeet, I know this may sound silly, but when we both get a tub of ice cream, I expect to finish mine. The last few times, you've finished mine. And it's not even that I expect to finish it, I expect to get it all. Can you please do this for me?"\

Maybe even offer a compromise. Say that both of you have the option of marking food with your name, and you each agree to respect that. Maybe he's eating your ice cream because you ate what he thought were his pop tarts.

If he doesn't agree with that, then it's time to make friends with a cat owner if you don't have some.
posted by nobeagle at 3:47 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

I agree with LobsterMitten -- I don't know that there's a universal rule of joint ownership that automatically separates sweet treats in the freezer from pasta in the cupboard. The issue is what works for you two. In this case, "getting him to understand" some distinctions about "joint property" doesn't look like it's working for you -- for whatever reason, you see the idea of "fair game" differently than he does when it comes to treats.

So you have to communicate directly. When he finishes off his sorbet and you save yours for later, simply say to him, "honey, I'm saving the rest of that for tomorrow night -- please leave it for me, or replace it if you eat it before I get home from work. Thanks." (Or leave a post-it on the fridge if he's not around.) That way, it's not a matter of both of you operating silently under different sets of rules. You're both operating openly under the immediately situational matter of your needs.

(Now, if you tell him directly and respectfully ahead of time that you want to save a treat and he goes ahead and eats it anyway, you have a different problem on your hands.)

On preview:
I did say that I was saving the leftover, and he ate it anyway. And this is several times now.

Oh!

Ah. Well.

Then I think you may indeed have a different problem on your hands than one of joint ownership of delicious snacks. If you've communicated directly with him about this more than once, your husband's actions suggest that he is (evidently) not terribly interested in addressing or respecting your needs (even as "little" a need to enjoy a treat after working hard all day!). I am not trying to catastrophize here, by any means -- sometimes a sorbet is just a sorbet, I suppose -- but for me it does raise the question of his consideration and respect for you in general.
posted by scody at 3:47 PM on December 7, 2007

I agree that even in the most communal of marriages, there are going to be "my" and "yours" things, to a certain extent. (But I don't think that ice cream is the usual anchor for these disputes.) Isn't the easy solution to your ice cream situation to get a marker and write "Jazz Hand's Ice Cream" on one, and his name on the other? And if he really does like to eat twice the amount of ice cream that you do, then buy three pints, label one as yours, and label the other two as his.

I was going to say that we don't do "his" and "hers" food, but then when I thought about it, really we do. There are things in the kitchen that are clearly mine, and if she wants to eat them she might check with me first, and vice versa. But it's more about "do you mind if I have some of your special cookies?", not "yum yum I'm stealing her cookies ha ha ha!" And most of the stuff in the kitchen is just "ours" -- no one has any special ownership of the flour, for example, and whoever sees it is getting low should take the responsibility to put it on the shopping list.

So is what is happening that your partner sees the ice cream as "yours-plural," free for the taking just like the cooking oil or the leftover turkey, whereas you want him to see it as "yours-singular," reserved for you and if he wants any he needs to ask first?

That's not an ice cream issue -- that's a learning how to communicate about how your relationship works issue. If it wasn't ice cream, it would ATM fees, or refueling the car, or your sex life. These boundaries are tricky, and you have to constantly renegotiate everything -- it's not like you get to have one conversation and you are done with the issue forever.
posted by Forktine at 3:47 PM on December 7, 2007

P.S. On reading your additional comment I think you should get a large, lockable box in which to store your ice cream, and maybe glue some barbed wire to it. Also, if you are tired right now, it's only NICE if he would go get more treat for you. It sounds like you didn't have a nice day.
posted by bunnycup at 3:48 PM on December 7, 2007

Had the same problem - glad to see it is not just me. Had many discussions with him stating that if it is there, it is fair game. Not his problem I leave something around for weeks. My point - it is my perogative to eat it when I want to!

We finally agreed on "never take the last serving, diet coke etc." So now he leaves me at least one serving which is all I ask. I can replace it the next day but at 10pm I am not going out for some ice cream! And damn it I want my goodies when I want them. Maybe you think it is petty but it is part of being an adult to me - I get to have what I want when I want it.

If he cannot abide by the "leave me one serving" then yes, he is a jerk.
posted by shaarog at 3:50 PM on December 7, 2007

Tell him to leave a note next time.


I have eaten
the sorbet
that was in
the freezer

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:50 PM on December 7, 2007 [9 favorites]

I vote for just buying more ice cream, or whatever. This is a fight -- or a reason for you to get upset -- that's pretty easy to just avoid.
posted by buriedpaul at 3:52 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't know that there's any reason you have to have exactly equal amounts. Buy him as much as he needs and buy yourself as much as you need. There's no need to compare. (Though it's possible that what one person needs/wants is more than is reasonable for financial or other reasons -- but that's a separate issue from "he got more than me.")
posted by winston at 3:52 PM on December 7, 2007

You can dig in on this, or you can buy more ice cream, so much ice cream that it doesn't matter how much he eats.

I am lazy. I would choose the latter.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 3:58 PM on December 7, 2007

Actually, I think that there is a special rule for treats as separate from pasta and other staples.

He's being kind of a jerk here. Maybe he's worried about food spoilage. Maybe he doesn't realize you're serious when you say, "no really, mine. Keep your mitts off." Maybe he doesn't realize that it's not cute or funny. Make this clear, and label the pints. If disregarded, move to locking yours with one of those Ben & Jerry's locks.
posted by desuetude at 3:59 PM on December 7, 2007

Thanks for all of the input so far. I like never used baby shoes suggestion about developing a taste for things he doesn't like, it's all pistachio and coconut from here on out. Oh, I may try that communicating thing too. This isn't an issue in our marriage, I'm not mad, I'm just trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong. I don't care if he eats the ice cream, I care that I've asked him not to, and he does anyway. Even if he would let me know, so I can get more while I'm on my way home from work, that'd be just fine. He works from home and I know he can hear the ice cream calling to him all day, before he can't stand it anymore. I completely understand that, I thought I heard it calling me too, but I was wrong because it wasn't even in the freezer, maybe it was screaming from the trash can?
posted by Jazz Hands at 4:10 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

If he eats the stuff you have been saving in the freezer he is honor bound to drop what he is doing and replace it when you ask.
posted by hindmost at 4:14 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

If you're still thinking about what's communal property in a marriage, good luck with that.
posted by yerfatma at 4:20 PM on December 7, 2007

You worked hard cleaning up everyones mess and you need your treat ...i understand that.
Buy a type of icecream he won't eat ...i love mint chocolate, he dosn't. We should all go for a jog and get a cleaning lady or man.


posted by gabriela at 4:26 PM on December 7, 2007

Read the OP - it's not a matter of him getting more than her. She just wants to open the fridge and have some ice cream there when she needs a treat.

OP, I suggest you start eating/using all his stuff. See how he feels when he has no shaving cream first thing in the morning.
posted by sid at 4:35 PM on December 7, 2007

When my husband eats the last of my saved treat without asking, there is NO doubt that he will get sent out to buy me more of it - or something of equal or greater deliciousness. I don't care that it's 10:30pm on Sunday night - that's what you get for eating my treat! Ok, a 30 minute foot massage can substitute, in rare cases.

If he ate it without asking, and now when you want it you don't have any, it's only right that he has to go out to get you more. Right now, on the double.
posted by gemmy at 4:36 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

One time my ex ate the last of the brownies. I hadn't asked him to save any for me, so that wasn't the problem. The problem is that instead of putting the empty brownie pan in the sink, he put the lid back on it and put it back on the countertop, so that it looked liked there were still brownies left.

I really really really hated him when I opened it up to discover there were no brownies.

We were so broke all the time that we were always arguing over food treats. And we never could come to any sort of amicable agreement. And now we're not married anymore. So let this be a warning to Mr Jazz Hands--when the ice cream is gone, so is your marriage!

(Or you could just make sure there's plenty of his favourite treats around to distract him from yours.)
posted by happyturtle at 4:44 PM on December 7, 2007

I was trying to figure out why we don't have this issue, and then I realized: I'm a stocker. If there is something that will really bum me out to discover there isn't any (toilet paper, diet soda, bagels, whatever) I buy in multiples and when the last package is opened I make a mental note to re-stock. Because I hate to run out. Mr. ambrosia is more of a just-in-time inventory keeper and doesn't really get my annoyance at running out of stuff but it's not a big deal to him. So if I were you I would just buy larger quantities of whatever it is that you want to be sure is on hand when you want it. So next time, buy four pints of ice cream. Or four gallons. Finding treats he doesn't care for is an excellent strategy too.
posted by ambrosia at 4:50 PM on December 7, 2007

Like tp, he has to replace it if he uses it all up... and no leaving a smidgen in the container and calling it a serving either!
posted by MiffyCLB at 5:14 PM on December 7, 2007

I x^th the develop tastes for thing your spouse doesn't like. I have always loved pickled herring -- but not only because she finds it completely revolting.
posted by pmbuko at 5:23 PM on December 7, 2007

put the following note on your pint:

"sweetie, i love you. i also love ice cream. i want to have both you and ice cream in my home always. it would make me ever so happy to enjoy you both after dinner. thank you, your beloved."


and then routinely withhold sex whenever he finishes the pint without offering you any.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:36 PM on December 7, 2007 [9 favorites]

This may be how things were done in his family; anything in the fridge is fair game. Some issues of family culture are deeply rooted, hard to change, and not indicators of overall jerkiness. But if he really has a "what's yours is mine; what's mine is mine" attitude, it's not going to get better.

If there are some specific food items that you just have to have available, like sorbet, repackage it in a margarine tub or something equally anonymizing.

thinkingwoman's advice is sound.
posted by theora55 at 5:39 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

Put the ice cream in a plastic bag, tape it up and put it at the back of the freezer.
posted by dydecker at 5:50 PM on December 7, 2007

Is he refusing to replace the treats he eats? For me that would be the real issue. Eat all you want, but for Pete's sake, replace what you eat. Yes, that means going out in the rain at 10 PM to the store. TAANSTFT.

If your husband is scoffing all the treats, and not offering to replace them and/or making YOU go out and buy more, then you have a problem and you need to have a talk with him about it; and start hoarding.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 6:20 PM on December 7, 2007

As my household's usual jerk in this equation, after 15+ years I'm kept mostly in line by hidden items, different tastes, and fear of retribution.
posted by gnomeloaf at 6:22 PM on December 7, 2007

Also, guys never look behind the package of mystery meat that has been there since before you lived there. And they never ever open containers labeled "liver" or "giblets".
posted by hindmost at 7:09 PM on December 7, 2007

I've considered putting notes on stuff before - I used to when I was a kid; if you didn't label your food someone else would eat it. My husband and I do have different tastes when it comes to snacks, but he eats way more than I do so sometimes no snack is safe, regardless of flavor.

My husband was upset once when I finished some cookies but hey... I made them, I get to finish them!

To me the issue is not that he finished your ice cream. It is that you told him it was your ice cream - and he went ahead and ate it anyway. That would piss me off, and rightly so.
posted by sutel at 7:36 PM on December 7, 2007

Yeah, eventually you can train your husband, whenever he notices your attractive qualities, to start reviewing ways you might call him a jerk, and at the same time train yourself to think of sex primarily as currency. That's gonna bring the two of you so much closer together.

I'm not saying thinkingwoman's all wrong. Up to the last line, her post is brilliant. But you don't need to make this a matter of routine! Very objectifying, very manipulative. Use your ha-ha-only-serious voice, sometime when you're not in the mood, to tell him you just can't get in the mood when you're seriously short on sherbet. Or do this when he has some other request of you, if the chance comes up first.

I second the analysis that this is a communication/respect problem and not a property-division problem. And if you think you're going to solve one of those by objectifying him ...
posted by eritain at 7:47 PM on December 7, 2007 [1 favorite]

DTMFA
posted by bluejayk at 10:25 PM on December 7, 2007

My grandmother (who I live with) does this. Not because she hates the idea of sharing, just because she has NO SELF CONTROL AT ALL. And then she complains because she gains weight, and says we're not going to have any more tasty food in the house. (Thanks. A lot.)

Now I just don't bother to tell her whenever I get any kind of tasty treat, and keep it where she won't find it. Actually this could work well in your situation.

"Hey, did you get me some sorbet?"

"No, I thought I'd like to work on separating some of our things, this is my sorbet, that I can eat. Your sorbet is still at the store, where you can go get it if you decide you want some."

P.S. People who don't understand how one can get so bent out of shape over this should read this enlightening post from an old thread.
posted by anaelith at 10:33 PM on December 7, 2007

Jesus Christ it is Ice Cream. It is not a "treat" it is Ice Cream. Sitting in the freezer. All day. Just a room away from a live human mouth. A mouth that is supposed to pretend this ice cream has a magic seal placed over it by some other mouth, that is miles away. When it is real ice cream, cold and tasty, right here in reality. Nom nom nom.

He is going to eat the ice cream. It is there. Stop doing that "save this bit for later" shit. There is no later with ice cream. You want some tomorrow? Buy some tomorrow. Don't try an break the laws of physics.

(what would be jerky is to not give you half of a tub you are actively sharing. But this? This is Ice Cream)
posted by bonaldi at 10:36 PM on December 7, 2007 [3 favorites]

Revenge/punishment/etc is not a good answer.
posted by Brocktoon at 12:29 AM on December 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've had this problem, a bit; we talked about it and came to the conclusion that it has to do with our childhoods: he came from a family with four kids, and I was an only child. In his family, you had to eat fast, get your food at once, and in other ways compete with the rest of the family members. In my family, there was always enough for everyone, and no competition. So I tend to leave my food in the fridge without any concern that it won't be there when I need it, whereas he sees food and thinks, "Ah ha! Unguarded treats! I must have!"

Fortunately, after a couple of times of my reminding him that even though I have left my treat unguarded, it is still mine, he got the point. I think you need to have a serious talk with your guy, because, as others have said, this could be a bigger problem if he really refuses to respect your simple request that he not eat your unguarded treat. I wonder if he also came from a home where family members competed for food?
posted by TochterAusElysium at 11:14 AM on December 8, 2007

"Dude! That was MY ice cream! I needed that ice cream!"

Then beat him with a pillow.
posted by lisaici at 10:11 PM on December 8, 2007

get a lockable mini fridge for yourself.

Or ask to renew your vows and put somethig in there about promisingto not steal your snacks
posted by onepapertiger at 11:08 PM on December 8, 2007

If he drank more milk than you, and there wasn't milk there when you or he wanted some, wouldn't you just make sure to buy more milk in advance? Buy half gallons of both kinds if ice cream, if you don't both like the same things. If we bought pints at my house, there'd be bickering too. Your husband, like mine, likes to eat sweet, cold treats more than you do. Therefore, I buy more. Sure, having more in the house requires some will power, if you are diet conscious, but it doesn't go bad that quickly. Marriages, on the other hand, can go bad quite quickly when people start getting tied in knots over who ate what when the "what" is something that can be easily bought and stored in quantity.
posted by Orb at 1:48 PM on December 9, 2007

I had this issue with my husband.

Like my father and my brother, I am hyper-territorial. About everything that I classify as 'mine'. This goes for my clothes; my desk; my food most especially. Taking a bite from my plate is like waving a red flag at a bull. Taking my icecream? That really makes me angry. The food is MINE. I do not mind sharing (unless it's the last of comfort food x, and I am stressed) - I very much mind taking.

For my husband, food is not quite so fraught. It's simply not as important to him, and to take a mouthful off someone else's plate is simply a sign of affection and interest.

This caused ... conflict.

I sat him down and explained to him that my food was mine. It didn't matter if it was in the pantry, in the fridge, in the freezer, or on my plate. If I physically or verbally identified to him that it was mine, he would at best, leave it alone, or at the very minimum ask before taking any. And, if what he took was the last, he would replace it, or notify me that it needed replacing, in addition to asking for permission to have it in the first place. If he was in doubt, the best course of action would be to ask. And that there would be a ceasefire from my end while we got used to the system.

Yes, I'm irrational about this sort of thing. It's not something I've had a great deal of luck in changing. However, we now have a system in place of 'ask first', for both of us, and it works well.
posted by ysabet at 5:24 PM on December 9, 2007

okay, just so you know, the bit about witholding sex was a joke. sorry if it was interpreted otherwise.

although, women who feel disrespected tend to not be as game for sex as they might otherwise be, so i guess i wasn't speaking entirely in jest. suggesting you might be more receptive to a little nookie if it comes with an ice cream appetizer is not, in my opinion, a bad thing.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:16 PM on December 9, 2007