Gift suggestions for disillusioned grad?

December 6, 2007 8:06 AM

A dear one is graduating with high honors from grad school. She is uncertain at this point if she wants to continue in her field despite years of hard work and a pile of debt. What can I get to inspire her?

I would like to get her something inspiring or comforting. I'm avoiding mentioning her field in this question because at this point I think a gift that focuses on it would be a source of further anxiety to her (and she probably has the specific tools she needs anyway). She's going to be taking some "time off" before she decides what to do next.

She is somewhat spiritual but not particularly religious. She's encountering doubts of being able to succeed in her field because she's a very quiet and not particularly assertive person. A voracious reader (though for a gift for this occasion, any book suggestions should be remarkable). She's older than the vast majority of the other grads (in her mid 30s).

I've thought of spa or massage gift certificates but that's less personal than I'd like.

I'm usually not stuck with gift ideas but this one is killing me, even after a search through posts. Budget is $150 or under. Super bonus points for anything I can get my hands on in the next few days, but a late gift will be OK in this case.

posted by quarterframer to shopping (12 comments total)

do you want the gift to inspire her to continue in academe? Or is this just a gift to generically make her feel better about herself?
posted by jak68 at 8:34 AM on December 6, 2007

I suggest a nice fountain pen, ink, and stationery.
posted by exogenous at 8:36 AM on December 6, 2007

gift certificate for levengers? Fountain pens etc are nice but she might want to pick one out for herself.
posted by jak68 at 8:46 AM on December 6, 2007

A huge source of help for me in grad school has been any book by Pema Chodron such as "When Things Fall Apart". She's a buddhist nun, so it is religious in the sense that she is talking about buddhism but I find it universally applicable. For me it's been quite inspiring and has given me more of a sense of peace about where I am even when I don't know where that is. This would be a great gift for her sabbatical.

Of course, it is a little odd to give someone a book saying their life is falling apart, so it's your call about if it's the right thing for her. Pema has some books with other titles as well.

There are a bunch of things that will be appreciated after spending a bunch of time in grad school. I wouldn't rule out the spa day. Most folks facing a bunch of debt and having finished a difficult time in school aren't in the mindset to treat themselves to something like that. Could be a really good idea for her.

Also, just on another note - it sounds like you're already a great friend. Sometimes I just need to talk and having a friend there who is willing to listen is just priceless. If you live in the same city you could also plan a couple of lunch dates together where you were really committed to hearing what she had to say and just letting her talk through things. It might be fun for you too.

Just my thoughts!
posted by mulkey at 8:47 AM on December 6, 2007

It's depressing to have graduated and not be sure you're in the right field. "Time off" can be code for "sitting around, isolating myself, wondering if my life is worthwhile." Does she have any specific plans for her time off? If so, I'd get a gift specifically related to those plans - say, a GPS if she's going hiking in the wilderness. If she doesn't have any specific plans, perhaps help make some for her: tickets to an event, promise to take her to dinner, rockclimbing lessons, etc. Something she's wanted to try but hasn't had time or money. (If you can up your budget a little, and she's willing, skydiving was one of the greatest, most inspiring moments of my life.)
posted by desjardins at 8:52 AM on December 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

When I'm planning the future it helps to do something completely disconnected from the subject I am contemplating. So, find out what she is planning to do with her time off, and give her something related to that. If she, for instance, likes to climb mountains, get her a gift certificate for an online store that sells mountain stuff, and send her a note that says "get something to help you climb mountains, and contemplate the future from the top of them".
posted by baggers at 10:27 AM on December 6, 2007

To address to ?s above: She wont be going back to school again. Her time off will be spent traveling, mostly by train (so that is an interesting direction for me to think in). I think the time off is more a regrouping period than ticket to isolation, she will rally.

Your suggestions so far are really thoughtful and appreciated, I am checking them all out. Please keep them coming!
posted by quarterframer at 11:27 AM on December 6, 2007

I was going to suggest some sort of travel, but I see she's planning on that already. I think that's a great idea - get away from everything for a while and see if your head clears out any. Can you get her something for her trip? Either some kind of travel gear or maybe spring for some of the tickets?
posted by Quietgal at 12:01 PM on December 6, 2007

Would continuing in the field mean continuing in academia, or is it a field where you get the degree and go into industry or other real-world work?

If it's academia, one thing that might be of interest for her is impostor syndrome. I don't know if that has anything to do with her indecision about whether to continue, but it might be of interest. There are a lot of reasons to be ambivalent about academic work, but she shouldn't let herself get caught up in a feeling that she secretly can't hack it. (since the feeling that you secretly can't hack it is, more often than not at this level, an illusion)

I don't have any great gift suggestions, my inclination would be don't get a gift certificate unless it's for a massage. Something enduring is always my preference, or a great bottle of wine/champagne where she can keep the bottle. But it's wonderful of you to think of doing this for her. Maybe you could organize a low-key party a few days after she files, for her well-wishers to come applaud her? Maybe you could go on a day trip with her somewhere a few days after she files? After she files, there will be a let-down, and having a little trip to look forward to (after she's had a chance to sleep and begin to get her life back together) might pick her back up.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:57 PM on December 6, 2007

She may already have one depending on her field, and it's pricier than you're looking for, but the Compact Oxford English Dictionary is one of the great gifts for a major academic occasion. For a scholar in the humanities, it's a must have. There's also the cheaper Shorter OED, which I don't like as much, but it's within your price range and still a lot of dictionary.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:02 PM on December 6, 2007

My sister was in a similar situation - after spending 25+ years nonstop in school (since kindergarden) and completing a Ph.D. in biochemistry, she worked in cancer research and learned that research wasn't really her thing. She really loved art, it was her passion, and she tried all sorts of things to reconcile that. Did a science communications course, tried to find jobs with design and science, tried to work in the Science Museum...to no avail.

She then took a year off to regroup and think about her options. Did everything EXCEPT academics. She then started on a foundational arts course, and now she's happily doing a degree in illustration.

I'll send her this link and see what she recommends. We're both in different timezones though so it may be a while before I get an answer.
posted by divabat at 4:02 PM on December 6, 2007

I just listened to Feynman's Rainbow. It's a book about a superstar postdoc going through an identity crisis in the Caltech physics department, and the conversations with Feynman which pulled him through. I don't know, maybe it's too close to your friend's anxiety, so you'd want to look at it closely, but it's excellent.

On the spiritual side, I really like The Feeling Buddha. I am a postdoc myself, and it's had a big impact on my professional ambitions and motives.
posted by Estragon at 5:58 PM on December 6, 2007