concerned auntie wants to contact the lawyer
December 1, 2007 8:24 AM Subscribe
Is it inappropriate for me to contact my nieces' guardian ad litem?
After 15 years in an abusive marriage, my older sister is getting a divorce. Yay older sister! My soon to be ex brother in law is a bully and a master manipulator, and has spent years breaking her down with constant humiliation and isolating her by moving her further and further from her extended family. If she could get away from him permanently and never see him again, I believe that would be the best thing for her, but she can't because they have two daughters aged 12 and 14.
Now that he no longer has daily contact with my sister, my soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law has switched tactics. He has switched to a model of abuse by proxy, encouraging the girls to disrespect, disobey, and humiliate my sister on his behalf. While I was visiting over the Thanksgiving holiday, one of them stole from my luggage, and the other barely spoke three words to me at all, despite having previously been warm, affectionate and sweet girls.
The court has assigned the girls a guardian ad litem to look after their interests, which, with their father's reinforcement and definition refer to as their 'lawyer,' and whom they threaten to call if my sister doesn't let them have their way about everything and anything. My older sister blind carbon copies me the email she sends to the girls' guardian and the guardian seems caught up in this idea of 'empowering' the girls by giving them freedom to make certain choices, but from my point of view what is needed is limits. The choice they seem to consistently make is to humiliate and control my sister on their father's behalf. My sister needs the guardian to help her establish healthy boundaries and re-establish her authority with her daughters. I'd like to communicate this to the guardian, but am fearful that such conflict would be seen as inappropriate, meddlesome or could be used against my sister in any way (and, trust me, if there is any way to use it against her, my soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law will find a way). Any lawyers or abuse survivors out there who can advise me?
After 15 years in an abusive marriage, my older sister is getting a divorce. Yay older sister! My soon to be ex brother in law is a bully and a master manipulator, and has spent years breaking her down with constant humiliation and isolating her by moving her further and further from her extended family. If she could get away from him permanently and never see him again, I believe that would be the best thing for her, but she can't because they have two daughters aged 12 and 14.
Now that he no longer has daily contact with my sister, my soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law has switched tactics. He has switched to a model of abuse by proxy, encouraging the girls to disrespect, disobey, and humiliate my sister on his behalf. While I was visiting over the Thanksgiving holiday, one of them stole from my luggage, and the other barely spoke three words to me at all, despite having previously been warm, affectionate and sweet girls.
The court has assigned the girls a guardian ad litem to look after their interests, which, with their father's reinforcement and definition refer to as their 'lawyer,' and whom they threaten to call if my sister doesn't let them have their way about everything and anything. My older sister blind carbon copies me the email she sends to the girls' guardian and the guardian seems caught up in this idea of 'empowering' the girls by giving them freedom to make certain choices, but from my point of view what is needed is limits. The choice they seem to consistently make is to humiliate and control my sister on their father's behalf. My sister needs the guardian to help her establish healthy boundaries and re-establish her authority with her daughters. I'd like to communicate this to the guardian, but am fearful that such conflict would be seen as inappropriate, meddlesome or could be used against my sister in any way (and, trust me, if there is any way to use it against her, my soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law will find a way). Any lawyers or abuse survivors out there who can advise me?
IAMNAL, but that it "could be used against my sister in any way" is the only think I would be worried about.
I do not think that it is either inappropriate nor unduly meddlesome to try to help your family. Though, I would certainly talk to your sister before going over her head, as it were.
On a slight tangent, are you certain that the girls' behavior is exclusively the result of the father's influence? Their behavior sounds like a fairly standard response to the break-up of a family. (Perhaps they themselves blame your sister, and are acting on that conclusion independently of their father's prodding.) I am not a psychologist, but perhaps their mother could arrange for the girls to undergo some psychological counseling.
posted by oddman at 8:40 AM on December 1, 2007
I do not think that it is either inappropriate nor unduly meddlesome to try to help your family. Though, I would certainly talk to your sister before going over her head, as it were.
On a slight tangent, are you certain that the girls' behavior is exclusively the result of the father's influence? Their behavior sounds like a fairly standard response to the break-up of a family. (Perhaps they themselves blame your sister, and are acting on that conclusion independently of their father's prodding.) I am not a psychologist, but perhaps their mother could arrange for the girls to undergo some psychological counseling.
posted by oddman at 8:40 AM on December 1, 2007
Uggh your sister is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Don't do anything, your sister needs to go talk to her lawyer who may or may not be able to do anything. The best thing is probably for your sister to try and get this divorce finalized asap, so that guardian can go and in the meantime I'd get a therapist into the picture who can see the girls and serve as a counter to the guardian, that's the only person I can really imagine might serve any real sway in the situation. But IANAL and I really am not a family law lawyer.
posted by whoaali at 8:43 AM on December 1, 2007
posted by whoaali at 8:43 AM on December 1, 2007
Best answer: A guardian ad litem's role is to advise the court on the best interests of the children. The girls are old enough that their wishes will be taken into consideration by the court. But ultimately, the GAL's obligation is as an advisor to the court, and strictly speaking, the GAL is not the children's attorney. Because the standard is best interests of the children, the practical function of the GAL is not much different than it would be if they were acting as the children's attorney.
Typically, it is important for the GAL to talk to as many people as possible who are significantly involved in the children's lives, in order to make a fully informed report to the court. You are not "meddling" to talk to the GAL. Since the GAL has been appointed to the case, she only knows what she has found out by talking to the children, the parents, the teachers, and anyone else. So, if you have good insight, I don't see the harm in talking to the GAL. (This is all assuming the GAL really knows what a GAL should be doing.)
I would urge you to tell the GAL what you know about the family, but do not become overbearing in urging the GAL to advise a particular report or recommendation to the court. GAL's often get pulled between opposing sides in very ugly ways; I know of GAL's who have had to be defended by attorneys, because one side or the other in a dispute threatened to sue the GAL. In order to have the best chance of your input being heeded by the GAL, try to be reasonable, polite, and approach the GAL with an understanding of how difficult the GAL's job is.
posted by jayder at 9:00 AM on December 1, 2007 [3 favorites]
Typically, it is important for the GAL to talk to as many people as possible who are significantly involved in the children's lives, in order to make a fully informed report to the court. You are not "meddling" to talk to the GAL. Since the GAL has been appointed to the case, she only knows what she has found out by talking to the children, the parents, the teachers, and anyone else. So, if you have good insight, I don't see the harm in talking to the GAL. (This is all assuming the GAL really knows what a GAL should be doing.)
I would urge you to tell the GAL what you know about the family, but do not become overbearing in urging the GAL to advise a particular report or recommendation to the court. GAL's often get pulled between opposing sides in very ugly ways; I know of GAL's who have had to be defended by attorneys, because one side or the other in a dispute threatened to sue the GAL. In order to have the best chance of your input being heeded by the GAL, try to be reasonable, polite, and approach the GAL with an understanding of how difficult the GAL's job is.
posted by jayder at 9:00 AM on December 1, 2007 [3 favorites]
your sister needs to talk to her lawyer and maybe get the input of a child psychologist. if she steps up to fight for their care, that will probably HELP her in the custody battle to come.
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:02 AM on December 1, 2007
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:02 AM on December 1, 2007
One thing I meant to add in my previous comment: I have been appointed as a GAL on numerous cases before, so I have some understanding of what a GAL does. What it boils down to is that a GAL needs to know what is going on in the family situation of the children under her care. There can be no harm in additional information being given to the guardian. She can use the information or disregard it as she sees fit. Your contacting the guardian is not meddling; talking to people in the children's lives is what the guardian is supposed to be doing. The guardian may in fact be grateful to hear from an adult who is not a parent; she may regard your input as more measured and dispassionate.
posted by jayder at 9:07 AM on December 1, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by jayder at 9:07 AM on December 1, 2007 [2 favorites]
everything has to go through your sister's lawyer, everything
posted by matteo at 9:22 AM on December 1, 2007
posted by matteo at 9:22 AM on December 1, 2007
What your soon to be ex-brother in law is doing is called "parental alienation." Courts don't normally like hearing that it's going on in a case before them. Someone needs to notify the court, but it needs to be a lawyer involved with the case. The best candidate is your sister's lawyer. Your sister's lawyer needs to be made aware of the situation and she or he in turn needs to draw the GAL's and the court's attention to the situation. If you feel your sister is not adequately communicating this to her lawyer, ask her if it would be helpful for you to speak with her lawyer. As a parent representative, I don't really like hearing from my client's family members unless my client asks me to speak with them.
Be prepared to have some concrete suggestions about how the situation is to be remedied. Courts are so much happier when they're given feasible services to order put into place, rather than a generalized list of grievances with no solutions. Dyadic counseling between your sister and her kids while this traumatic process is going on could be one solution, so the kids can re-learn appropriate boundaries and how to avoid being manipulated by their father.
posted by lassie at 10:02 AM on December 1, 2007
Be prepared to have some concrete suggestions about how the situation is to be remedied. Courts are so much happier when they're given feasible services to order put into place, rather than a generalized list of grievances with no solutions. Dyadic counseling between your sister and her kids while this traumatic process is going on could be one solution, so the kids can re-learn appropriate boundaries and how to avoid being manipulated by their father.
posted by lassie at 10:02 AM on December 1, 2007
I actually interned with the local GAL office during law school. I wholeheartedly second jayder's comments. The GAL is simply an information-gatherer whose job is to figure out what is in the children's best interests and ultimately make a recommendation to the court. Do not badger the GAL and tell her what to do, but there is absolutely no harm in telling her your perception of the family dynamic. GAL's get fed so much BS from the two parents that it is beneficial to have other adults that know the children provide their own input. There is no need to go through your sister's attorney.
IAAL but not your lawyer, etc.
posted by gatorae at 10:56 AM on December 1, 2007
IAAL but not your lawyer, etc.
posted by gatorae at 10:56 AM on December 1, 2007
My sister needs the guardian to help her establish healthy boundaries and re-establish her authority with her daughters.
I don't think the guardian ad litem can do this -- A, it's not her role, and B, that's a huge tall order for anyone.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 12:26 PM on December 1, 2007
I don't think the guardian ad litem can do this -- A, it's not her role, and B, that's a huge tall order for anyone.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 12:26 PM on December 1, 2007
Best answer: If the GAL is supposed to be assisting in parenting in any way (or not), s/he should be informed that the children are using her as a threat. Once she knows that, the threat is no longer effective.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:40 PM on December 1, 2007
posted by Lyn Never at 3:40 PM on December 1, 2007
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It's both. Did your sister ask you to do this?
Convince her sister that she needs to bring these concerns up with her lawyer.
posted by grouse at 8:30 AM on December 1, 2007