In love or insane?

November 30, 2007 7:02 PM

I am still, I think, in love with a man I met over ten years ago, and I can't get him out of my mind.

In college, I met a guy. We became the best of friends, flirted very close to dating each other, but mutually decided to not take that extra step since we were both off to graduate school and pursuing different paths. We've stayed in touch very randomly - we see each other in passing at conferences (we are in the same field) and once or twice a year we email each other to say hello or to pass along some personal or professional news going on in our lives. I saw him earlier this year, and I have to admit, my heart still skipped a beat. I think about him all of the time and this last week, he's constantly been on my mind. When we do see each other, I sense a spark between us, but I haven't been willing to put forth the effort to do anything about it because...

We are both married. I am happily married, I love my husband, he is my best friend. We get along really well, we have a daughter together, and my life is really, really good. I am not willing to throw it away for something that once was. He too is married - I think happily. They are unable to have any children and so whenever I hear from him, he mentions my daughter in passing quite wistfully.

Like I said, I am not willing to break up my marriage to pursue anything with him, nor am I willing to be that other person who screws up someone else's marriage. But I cannot help but think to myself and wonder if he's the one who I let slip through my fingers. How do I get over this? I am kind of agonizing over this and while it isn't impacting my marriage at all, I don't want it eventually to do so.

I can be contacted at [e-mail] for further clarification.

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

It is better to imagine the exotic unknown than the known humdrum. I think you find the idea as attractive as the man. Past that, I am not sure what your question is, exactly.
posted by 45moore45 at 7:19 PM on November 30, 2007

Cut off all contact.
posted by phrontist at 7:19 PM on November 30, 2007 [7 favorites]

There's not really an easy way out of those kind of feelings. Nothing magical happens when you get married that cures you from being attracted to people other than your spouse. As your description suggests, pursuing any romantic relationship with another man would ruin your perfectly good marriage, even though you do have feelings for your college friend.

My main piece of avice is that your college friend seems so great partially because you're not married to him. You have not gotten to know him well enough to know that he snores or that he never does anything around the house or any of the other things that he might do that would drive you crazy if you spent a large amount of time with him. Its easy to imagine that someone is your perfect match, but they very rarely actually are once your become intimate with them.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:26 PM on November 30, 2007 [5 favorites]

as someone nearing the age when many people go through this very same syndrome, i'd say you need to recognize it as utterly a fantasy. it is not real. you also need to recognize it, this fantasy, as completely mundane and normal to experience.

he's not the one you argue with over the humdrum details of your life. but he's also not the one who is there for you, through thick and thin (hopefully). that man would be your husband. if you want to get over it, start imagining if your husband were fantasizing this way about some girl he loved and lost in college. recognize how silly it would be to do something stupid.

and start focusing on the *reality* of this person as a potential fucker-up of your life, should you pursue him. there's nothing dumber than someone who pursues a fantasy when they get bored with their life partner.

(provided of course that you are an ordinary, monogamous couple. poly people get to act out on these fantasies and use those actions to take out the sting and forbidden nature of this sort of game. this has its own unique fucked-up-ness. YMMV)
posted by RedEmma at 7:28 PM on November 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

and yeah, you're not "in love." you're infatuated. i would only call you insane if you acted on it.
posted by RedEmma at 7:30 PM on November 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

you are not in love with this man but with the idea of what could have been, with a made-up illusion in your head. even if you were to pursue it, it would be next to impossible for him to live up to the expectations you have created in years past. you were setting yourself up for a massive disappointment.

then there is the circumstance that your partner has done nothing to deserve being left and/or hurt. keep in mind though that hurting him is exactly what you would do, were you to act upon your desires. you would betray his trust or even love out of an egotistical desire. you wouldn't like it if the person you loved acted this way towards you, so don't do it either.

I would suggest actually talking to your husband. he's supposed to be your friend, your partner, your confidant.
posted by krautland at 7:46 PM on November 30, 2007

No futher clarification necessary. We often feel attraction to multiple persons in our past and present, despite promises that we have made. Usually sudden past deep attractions to others come up in our lives because something totally unrelated to the old flame is bothering us and we don't want to deal with or think about that thing.

So we gin up a complicated unsolvable, ten-years old, a millon miles away itch because we would rather suffer that than deal with what is bothering us. We pick something as far as possible from actual solvable reality to keep our attention fixed.

In short, look at current local problems totally unrelated to the old flame and focus intently on them, especially if they are something you don't want to think about. Lots of focused energy on that problem will lead to the other feelings going away, presently.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:03 PM on November 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

[...]if he's the one who I let slip through my fingers.

And what is your husband? Chopped liver?

I don't think you're insane to have a crush on someone while you're married. I *do* think you're insane if you think that this isn't having an effect on your current relationship.

Your mind isn't on improving your marriage right now. That energy is going towards crafting a fantasy marriage with your fantasy of some other fellow.

Right now you're talking about your husband as if he was the booby prize in the marriage sweepstakes. Please don't fool yourself into thinking you're perfectly hiding that attitude from him.
posted by tkolar at 8:04 PM on November 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't agree with the above posters. They can't say who you're in love with. Only you can know that.

I also don't agree with the "cut off all contact". You're obviously aware and self-aware and in control. Nothing's threatened. You're not here because you're afraid of doing something stupid. Feel pride that you can recognize your love for this man given your current situation. There are many people who'd fuck things up and many more who'd deny the love. Be happy and proud that you have a good marriage in spite of your feelings for this other man.

As someone who's genuinely jealous of your situation (I once wrote, "Take away all that I deserve but give me five more minutes on the back of Beth's bike." and am not presently with anyone I love), I suggest you revel in what you're feeling and prayer it survives as long as you do. If it's as genuine as you suggest, it'll bury us all. Kudos to you for who you are: a place where such emotions can flower and thrive.
posted by dobbs at 8:07 PM on November 30, 2007 [2 favorites]

I once had a fantasy lover. We had known each other for almost all our lives, but never united. The potential of him existed as a dream unrealized, always just beyond my reach. In my imagination, we were perfect. We could talk about anything, I trusted him absolutely, he was always romantic and loving, and my life was full and complete... in my imagination.

After decades, fantasy became reality. We actually got together. Married. Suffered. Suffered some more. Separated. Divorced. Now, we don't even speak, and I'm none the worse for his total absence from my life, both real and imaginary.

Turns out my imagination was too good. I made him all up. The fantasy was much better unsatisfied. I wish I had kept it that way.
posted by Corky at 8:09 PM on November 30, 2007 [11 favorites]

Maybe you need to find other adventures in your life. Something scary and exciting that shakes up your life and transforms who you are.

(Finally dealing with those old issues with your mom instead of just dodging her calls? Really get serious about your lifelong dream to ...... do what? become an artist? go back to school for your Ph.D.? climb Mt. Everest? spend the summer in Africa with Habitat for Humanity?)
posted by salvia at 8:09 PM on November 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know, I get these feelings sometimes too. Probably everybody does. You just gotta keep reminding yourself how totally not worth it it would be to do anything about it. Then think of all the myriad reasons you love your husband.

(But, for God's sake, don't tell your husband about this! It could only hurt his feelings.)
posted by Jess the Mess at 8:30 PM on November 30, 2007

I used to tell people how great my previous marriage was. What a great guy he was. How things were awesome. But when things were truly awesome, I wasn't pining for some guy I met a long time ago.

And when things went south in my first marriage, well, that's when I started running through all the "ones that got away" in my life. That's when I wondered what happened to my first boyfriend, to the boy who proposed to me when I was in high school, etc. The crappier things were between my husband and I, the more I was looking to supplement my daydream life with snippets of romance wherever I could find them. Heck, I tried to find my fourth grade boyfriend on Google.

Honestly, if your husband is truly your best friend, if your relationship is awesome, I'd do your best to focus on that. Think about what made that wonderful in the first place and work on it.

But if you're not being entirely honest with yourself about your marriage, well, this unrequited flame thing may be the excuse you're grabbing at because you're not happy. Only you know that for sure.

And on a totally separate note, yes, chances are you'd be just as dissatisfied with your college love as you are with the husband. But after my divorce, I married my best friend from college, 13 years to the day we met. And he's still as awesome. So, no one can say for sure what's in your heart, what you should do. Especially us strangers out here on das interwebben.
posted by Gucky at 8:49 PM on November 30, 2007 [2 favorites]

That was you? OMG.......

Really, give it a rest. You have people who love you, and whom you love. you are chasing a folly. don't.
posted by caddis at 9:01 PM on November 30, 2007

Limerence. It's part of being human; I think this is more chatfilter than anything else, but in the interest of helping:

- Talk to you husband, explain what's going on, but be clear that talking about this is not asking permission to pursue your desire. It will hurt, but you owe him honesty.

- Decide if you want to be in a monogamous relationship with your husband, a monogamous relationship with this other man, in a polygamous relationship (which may not line up with their desires), or no relationship. Talk THIS through with your husband.

- Make a decision, and follow through on it.

There is little else the rest of us can say - we can nod knowingly and offer our personal biases, but we can't do any of the actual steps involved for you.
posted by ellF at 9:11 PM on November 30, 2007

Cut off all contact.

That's insane.

---

Anyway, just don't act on it. In 20 or 30 years you'll both be old and unattractive, so none of this will matter too much.
posted by delmoi at 9:25 PM on November 30, 2007

Ahhh... once there was a girl.

She was the kid sister of a fellow student, and while I had a crush on her in high school, circumstances were such that it could never be.

And then we were classmates in college. The best of friends. And then -- for a too brief summer -- we were lovers. And I saw my destiny. A little later that summer, she saw hers. With someone else. I was... dismayed? No, I was crushed. But I have to be honest... at the time he was a better choice. I was tripping over some of life's smaller curbs. He was able, and responsible, and to tell the truth, a really great guy.

I went to her wedding. She came to mine. And though we didn't speak a word of it, we both knew that the past was, indeed, passed.

Sure, for some while (a while likely measured in years) I pondered what might have been. Wistfully.

And one day it quietly dawned on me what I have: a wonderful wife, a wonderful life, and fond memories of someone else I loved, too.

And that's just fine. Has been for almost twenty years. Surely will be for the next twenty, too.
posted by deCadmus at 9:41 PM on November 30, 2007 [6 favorites]

Sometimes it is better to have a warm friendship with someone than it is to have an attempted and failed romance.
posted by pluckysparrow at 9:44 PM on November 30, 2007

You should have jumped him back in college when you had the chance, whether it worked out or not. That sort of squashed impulse can stay with you forever. I doubt anything good can come of it now.
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:57 AM on December 1, 2007

Wellll, here's a contrarian view: You truly only regret what you DIDN'T do, not what you did.

So you've got a big bite of regret sandwich coming up. You've got to ask yourself this: On your deathbed, do you want to regret not going for it with The One Who Got Away or do you want to regret going for it but (perhaps--this is not a given) losing your husband?

Good luck.
posted by John of Michigan at 9:59 AM on December 1, 2007

Who's going to tell your daughter that daddy wasn't good enough for mommy?
posted by desjardins at 11:55 AM on December 1, 2007 [3 favorites]

U must have met what the Jews call Bashert ( fate) ... your fated one.
I wish you the best of luck on this one because I know personally how difficult, painful it is seeking closure when Bashert does not lead to marriage/family in this lifetime.
posted by GoodJob! at 1:58 PM on December 1, 2007 [2 favorites]

You're so lucky! You've got a great marriage, beautiful child, AND a meaningful friendship complete with past and present experiences! Of course, it is clearly delimited by your marriages, but the fact that you LIKE each other, understand and accept each others' situations, and can still offer each other friendship is a huge gift. There is nothing bad here as long as everyone stays in their box. Attraction is natural and opposite sex friendship can be very rewarding and special.

You're lucky. Enjoy the adrenalin, save the true love for your husband. Allow yourself the fantasy from time to time if you like. Even though I don't know any of you I'm sure he isn't "the one". I don't believe in "one"anyway, but there is no way to say what works until you've really done it, so thus far, your husband is the one with the awesome track record!
posted by MiffyCLB at 2:31 PM on December 1, 2007

Oh, and, niether in love or insane... just bored.
posted by MiffyCLB at 2:34 PM on December 1, 2007