How should I interpret "taking some time" in an LTR?

June 4, 2004 10:43 AM

What does "taking some time" typically mean in a long-term relationship, and what should I do (or not do) during that period? [More inside]
posted by subgenius to (47 comments total)

I have been dating a woman for a few years. We're both around 30. She was going to visit me this weekend (we have been living in different cities for the past 18 months) but called last night to say that she was not coming because she wanted to take some time to reevaluate the relationship. It looks like we are going to stay in communication (e.g., she told me she wanted to talk to me today) but otherwise wasn't very clear about what "taking some time" was supposed to mean.

Without going into too much detail, this seems to be based on her skepticism that I am serious about a long-term relationship, as demonstrated by the fact that I am planning to move to her city and we have discussed marriage, kids, etc., but I have not yet asked her to marry me and, apparently, have not been very convincing in my statements that I had planned to do so. (I planned to do it, but for whatever reason it made more sense to me to do it when we were living in the same state.)

To make a long story short, I'm completely shocked and hurt and confused, and I don't know how (or whether) to communicate my feelings during this "taking some time" period. We've all known people who have freaked out during breakups (if that's what this really is), and I don't want to come across as a stalker. On the other hand, I feel like she believes I'm apathetic about the relationship, so failing to communicate could reinforce that doubt. I don't want to come across as crazy, but I don't want to let this get any worse. Assuming, that is, I can have any effect whatsoever.

I realize this is a personal issue, but I suspect the vast majority of people have been through something like this. Moreover, I can't talk to my "real life" friends or family because it could make things awkward if we get back together (or make it seem more real), so the Interweb is pretty much all I have right now. What should I do?
posted by subgenius at 10:43 AM on June 4, 2004

1- fly or drive out to see her
2- tell her you don't want a time out, can't imagine life without her, and all that stuff.
3- propose (or not, I'll leave that up to you)
4- be very happy (at least for a while)
posted by signal at 10:53 AM on June 4, 2004

You probably got dumped.

That's the short answer. The longer answer is: maybe she really does "just want time", but right now you don't know. You can do little now but talk to her when she talks to you first. As you suspected, if you try to call her first you will be seen as "smothering" or a "stalker". Right now, everything is in her head. Until she talks to you about her feelings, there's nothing you really CAN do, other than go have a beer or a whiskey at your favorite bar. Sorry my man. :(

*virtual manly pat-on-back*

Oh, and for the love of all that is good, do not propose marriage now, no matter how much you think it may help.
posted by falconred at 10:53 AM on June 4, 2004

Hah, signal and I post the exact opposite advice at the same moment. Obviously, no one knows your own situation better than yourself, so don't feel you have to listen us!
posted by falconred at 10:55 AM on June 4, 2004

Sadly, the inimitable Breakup Girl no longer writes a weekly column, but her column on “space” might be worth reading in this situation. Hell, her whole archive is worth reading through.
posted by Johnny Assay at 10:57 AM on June 4, 2004

Speaking as someone who is currently going through this: be honest with her about how you feel but give her the space she is asking for.
posted by btwillig at 10:57 AM on June 4, 2004

Yeah, do what Signal said, that will totally work out. It'll be just like a movie. Maybe you can even get yourself a restraining order.
posted by xmutex at 11:00 AM on June 4, 2004

Oh and falconred makes a good point—don't smoother her with talk about how you feel. Just say your thing and back off.
posted by btwillig at 11:01 AM on June 4, 2004

Two key things are missing from your post: Do you love her? Do you feel she loves you? Now's your chance to figure that out for real. Once you do, you'll know what to say to her.
posted by fuzz at 11:01 AM on June 4, 2004

I think it's fucked. Sorry.
posted by angry modem at 11:02 AM on June 4, 2004

Also, do talk to your friends. If you can't talk to them about a real moment of pain in your life, then what are they there for? Real friends understand that you can go through a lot of confusion sometimes, and there's no reason that your honesty should make things "awkward" with them no matter how things turn out.
posted by fuzz at 11:05 AM on June 4, 2004

I've seen this type of thing go two different ways. One was legit time-taking prior to engagement/marriage and the other was "this is a nice easy way for me to break up with you" In either case with your situation it's a time for reflection, for not crowding her, and for trying to steel yourself both for a life with her and a life without her. I think there must be succinct, appropriate ways of saying "I am serious about this relationship for the long term, I am sorry that did not come across, I'm willing to do what it takes to recitfy that with you" [if such a thing is true] and then letting it drop for a while and seeing if you can make something useful come out of all this.
posted by jessamyn at 11:06 AM on June 4, 2004

To all the cynical, un-romantic geeks in here: he already has a "no", so there's not really anything to lose, and everything to gain. Better to flame out in one last romantic gesture than sit at home basking in the #006699 glow of your monitor, growing old and drying up wondering if you had a chance at happiness and blew it by trying to play cool.
Tell her how you feel. If she's not in the same place, tough luck, but at least you gave it a shot, know what I mean?
posted by signal at 11:12 AM on June 4, 2004

She met somebody cute last week, maybe.

When she calls, ask her why she needs the time out and listen. If it is anything but "my biological clock is ticking/I need to find someone serious to marry" then I am afraid you are probably back on the market.
posted by konolia at 11:17 AM on June 4, 2004

It's very simple: Just email or read to her what you wrote above. If you truly want this relationship, you have to be honest about your feelings. Especially if you think she feels that you're apathetic. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Good luck!
posted by widdershins at 11:52 AM on June 4, 2004

Rather than thinking that you're apathetic, she might be freaked out by the prospect of increased intimacy with you moving closer to her, etc.

I would suggest that you let her know that you have become really invested in the relationship, and that you want to be involved in her re-thinking of the relationship process. Maybe the two of you could visit a good couples therapist for a session or two, just to air out the issues with a neutral observer/facilitator?
posted by jasper411 at 12:06 PM on June 4, 2004

i'm with signal on this, though i think the situation is more along the lines of what konolia says.

are you sure that she doesn't believe you were serious about marriage? i find it more likely that she DID believe you, but didn't want to be responsible for you moving cross-country and starting over.

i also think she probably found somebody new...a security blanket, really, which made what she said easier to get out. she has probably been mulling it over for quite some time, but just recently found a guy to take your place.
posted by taumeson at 12:09 PM on June 4, 2004

Write a letter. Two parts:
I. If you need space because you doubt my willingness to elevate our relationship, your doubts are unfounded. Here's why...
II. If you need space because you want to break up, that's fine. Well, it's not fine, but I want nothing more to do with you if that's the case. Thanks for telling me now, and not later.

Mail it, and cut the ties. Never call her or mail her again unless she initiates contact. I'm not a big believer in the whole "make yourself unavailable to appear more attractive" bit, but hanging around in a faltering relationship is a bad way to go, no matter how you look at it.

As long as she knows how you feel (written eloquently in part I), any additional pandering is embarrassing and useless.

On the bright side, how long has it been since you've knocked boots with anyone else? Something to look forward to.
posted by trharlan at 12:20 PM on June 4, 2004

i've been in this situation before...i was both the "i need space guy" and the guy who caused the "i need space" speech. in both cases, i got shafted.

the only thing you can do is be honest, listen, and give it your best shot. if she's really apprehensive because of the reasons you said above, you still can turn this around.

if i were you, i'd be like signal. give it a shot.
posted by Stynxno at 12:21 PM on June 4, 2004

"Taking time" means "leave me alone starting now, but don't go anywhere." It's the fastest way to acquire the freedom of being broken up without taking on any of the hard work of actually breaking up. This creates a limbo space from which she might suddenly move ahead with some new direction (perhaps she did meet someone or is open to the idea, anyway) or, if that doesn't feel right and she decides she wants to go back to being together, you're still on the hook waiting.

Bascially, "taking time" is either big favor to ask someone, or a really shitty way to treat them, depending on how much trust and respect there is between you. If you feel like granting this time, you have no guarantee of anything, though it might be the best thing for her.

All you can really do is make your own feelings absolutely clear. If, at that point, she walks away from you, then it wasn't your fault, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Good luck.
posted by scarabic at 12:26 PM on June 4, 2004

just remember that getting married/engaged isn't a magic bullet....concentrate on what is good for you.
posted by th3ph17 at 12:30 PM on June 4, 2004

"A few years" is a long time. This is not a clean break.

If she wants time, give her time. There's no better way to scare her off for good than turning into Stalky McGee with the roses and the marriage proposals and the bwa-hey.

She's not jumping off a cliff anytime soon, and she isn't running to Vegas to marry someone else. Give her a month and then call her.
posted by PrinceValium at 12:31 PM on June 4, 2004

"A few years" is a long time. This is not a clean break.

The one does not follow from the other. Yeah, a few years is a long time -- a long time to be sitting around waiting for a guy to make up his mind, especially as the big three-oh looms. (Not casting any aspersions on subgenius or prejudging the situation, just providing a possible perspective.) Frankly, this doesn't sound good, and I'd brace myself for the worst -- but if she gives you a chance, give it your best shot. If it doesn't work, you're accumulating valuable experience and war stories to tell on future AskMe threads.

(Not snarking -- I've been there, like much of humanity, and I know how much it hoits -- just trying to provide a little levity.)
posted by languagehat at 12:49 PM on June 4, 2004

When you say "she wasn't clear" about what taking some time was supposed to mean, I find myself wondering about that conversation. Did you ask her for clarification? If not, that would be understandable, particularly as this seems to have come as a surprise to you, and a singularly unpleasant one to boot. But if not, and she indicated a desire to talk to you today, that might be a good question to ask--particularly if you frame it well, e.g., "I don't want to push you. But even more, I don't want to lose you."

Before that call, though, consider very carefully whether you want to take this opportunity to reaffirm your commitment to the relationship, if you think that is the source of her concern. Unfortunately, if she's usually fairly good about open and direct communication (is she?), "I need some time" doesn't sound promising--more like the issue is about her level of commitment, not yours. Decide ahead of time whether you're comfortable going out on that limb. (In case you can't tell, I'm kinda with signal...what have you got to lose?)

If you do decide to put your cards on the table and reaffirm your commitment, given your history, it sounds like the usual words might not be enough to be convincing. Are you genuinely marryin'-level in-love-and-in-like with this person? In which case, you might as well swing for the stands with something like, "I can be in [Other City] with a ring tomorrow--just tell me if you want me there." A reaction to something like that would pretty much tell you everything you need to know.
posted by clever sheep at 1:03 PM on June 4, 2004

just remember that getting married/engaged isn't a magic bullet....

That's the best advice in this thread.
posted by jpoulos at 1:08 PM on June 4, 2004

I am with widdershins on this and well, to be honest, all of this "she might mean this, she might mean that" speculation is just that, speculation. You can eat yourself alive with wondering what her issue is, how you can approach it for the best possible outcome, blah, blah, blah obsessive blah.

Talk to the girl. Lay your cards on the table, be honest and for heavens sake, realize your own worth. You are a valuable person worthy of honesty and a good open relationship not based on games of who is thinking what or what "space" means.

Worrying about what might be is just a small form of torture. Talk to the girl - communication is everything. If you don't know what she means by an answer, ask her to clarify. Do this until you get a response in basic terms. (I want out - I want to be married - I don't know what I want, I'm scared)
posted by jopreacher at 1:21 PM on June 4, 2004

Thank you, everyone, for your advice.

She called me a little while ago. It took me by surprise, and I am still in shock, but I tried to ask what "taking some time" means. I guess she wants to stay in touch, but doesn't want to talk about big-picture stuff for the time being. I don't really know what this means about the status of our relationship, but I guess the whole point of needing time is that she is trying to figure it out.

I feel like my only option now is to keep talking and see where these conversations lead. Maybe I'm wrong, but I sense it would be a mistake to keep reiterating my feelings (or expressing them in a different way) during this period, unless it just happens naturally. I hope we can only have so many conversations about the dog or the house before she wants to talk about this again, one way or the other.

Maybe she'll come around. I don't know. In the meantime, though, thanks for all of your words of encouragement. Maybe I will post a followup if something new happens.
posted by subgenius at 1:23 PM on June 4, 2004

Please understand that I'm a borderline psychopath, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

...having said that, I would strongly urge you to start looking around for a new relationship. Don't leap into bed with anyone yet, but definitely start going out to movies/dinner & that sort of thing.

She's asked for time, so give her the time. Don't call unless you have to for some other reason, don't visit unexpectedly, and don't write long anguished letters/emails.

If she sorts herself out, she'll come back. If not, then at least you'll have already started the ball rolling on your next relationship. Mind you, if you sleep with anyone else before she's made up her mind you will have killed any chance of a reunion. So stay out of beds until things are sorted out.

Also, I suggest unplugging your phone, putting it in a closet, unplugging your computer, putting IT in a closet, and then go get yourself seriously seriously drunk on hard liquor; something that you can do shots of. Just remember to pass out on your stomach, and whatever you do don't make any drunken phonecalls (that's why you want to unplug & hide the phone). You should be brutally hungover tomorrow, but Sunday will feel like the start of a new life.
posted by aramaic at 1:42 PM on June 4, 2004

Here's the female version of what aramaic just said.... if you feel like going out and getting drunk, do it and do it thoroughly, but have a friend handy to keep you from calling or emailing. And I second the recommendation to avoid initiating contact with her until this situation changes, for good or ill. And third: start looking around for other possibilities. Yep, stay out of beds, and be forthcoming about your situation if things begin to get at all serious with any new friends, but until you hear "I want to be with you again" (and assuming that's what you want too) you're on the market.
posted by clever sheep at 1:57 PM on June 4, 2004

I think this is most often an easy letdown and a way of getting you used to separation before you get hit with the jolt of the actual breakup.

In any case, I think you should prepare yourself on this assumption, open your options for dating others, and protect yourself.

All the other advice here is true, too, of course. Communication is good, too, but it can always "push" too hard, which can be good if it gets a breakup resolved instead of dragging it out, or bad if the person really did want space.

In general, though, I'd say get past the sadness and don't ignore that woman who flirts with you on the bus or in the bar or wherever.

(On preview, what sheep and aramaic said.)
posted by Shane at 2:13 PM on June 4, 2004

By herself, she can't make your relationship work -- that's a two-people activity and it either includes you or isn't about your relationship at all. You know more about her character than everyone else here, but it's easy to interpret this as anything from a breakup, to a sincere but misguided hiatus of some kind, perhaps a downgrade of relationship status, or a coy maneuver to get you to come to the rescue with flowers in hand.

Consider a few things: Do you want to continue a relationship -- let alone initiate a marriage! -- with someone who is willing, without warning or discussion, to put you in such an awkward situation? And to close herself off from you and refuse to even talk about it? Maybe you are. Maybe it's a one-time thing, or a mistake, and everyone makes mistakes. Does she think that?

Possibly she just needs to make believe she's not in a relationship for a while, until she thinks through things. Unfortunately, she is in fact still in a relationship, and one that's apparently leaving you confused and possibly hurt. Not to put too fine a point on it, but are these the actions of someone who gives a shit about how you feel?

I can't claim to know or understand her motivation or thoughts, but were I to find myself in your shoes, I would give her the "space" but give no guarantees that I'd re-enter a relationship that's discarded so cavalierly.
posted by majick at 2:43 PM on June 4, 2004

I would strongly urge you to start looking around for a new relationship.

As an alternative, now might be a good time to practice solitude.
posted by kindall at 2:55 PM on June 4, 2004

I tend to disagree with most of the comments here. I would see this, from her point of view, as "it's put-up or shut-up time". Either you love her enough to make a real commitment, to move to the same city, pop the question, and really solidly plan for a life together, or you want to keep stretching things out and going along and seeing each other whenever and talking a lot and...not really doing anything concrete, anything real.

Do you love her? Is she someone you want to stay with? Then ask her to marry you and stop bullshitting around with "what does this mean" and "how do we classify ourselves" and all that crap. She's around 30, and while it's stereotypical, it's also true: she has a few more years before it becomes harder to find a guy to settle down with, and very hard to conceive a child, especially a first child, if that's what she wants. Guy have more options open to them, while women won't and can't wait forever.

You've been dating her for a few years? And she says she's skeptical that you want to marry her, especially since you don't even live in the same city? I would be too, in her position. Either step up and make a commitment or set her free. What you're doing right now, leaving her up in the air for years, is unfair.
posted by Asparagirl at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2004

Suggestions for you - maybe her. Why?
You said it here: Moreover, I can't talk to my "real life" friends or family because it could make things awkward if we get back together (or make it seem more real), so the Interweb is pretty much all I have right now. What should I do?

Thought at first she had cold feet...you turn to a stranger before family...tell your girl from me: run! Forrest run.

Your best chance now is to reflect upon your self this weekend. Think how you can be the man - not that she wants - both of yoy want...then call her Monday. This is too emotional finding your answers today...best of luck.
posted by thomcatspike at 3:25 PM on June 4, 2004

Don't pop the question before you find yourself.
posted by thomcatspike at 3:26 PM on June 4, 2004

I guess she wants to stay in touch, but doesn't want to talk about big-picture stuff for the time being. I don't really know what this means about the status of our relationship, but I guess the whole point of needing time is that she is trying to figure it out.

Uhoh. If she said she doesn't want to talk about bigpicture stuff, then she's already half-checked out of the relationship in her mind.

When she calls, just ask her if she has met someone else, then act accordingly.
posted by konolia at 3:48 PM on June 4, 2004

Aramaic's disclaimers apply to the following.

"I want space" means "I am dating/want to date somebody else. You, however, are expected to remain single and available indefinitely while I get my kicks and figure out what the hell I want, on the off chance it's you."

Run. Really. Maybe this is her way of saying it's over, maybe you still have a shot, but do you want to be with someone who would pull something like this?
posted by IshmaelGraves at 3:50 PM on June 4, 2004

I guess she wants to stay in touch, but doesn't want to talk about big-picture stuff for the time being.

My immediate reaction to that (I'm female) is that she's met someone else. It's a bad sign when someone claims that they want comittment but they don't want to talk about it.
posted by Flitcraft at 5:05 PM on June 4, 2004

I'm pretty much in agreement with the majority in this thread. You've just been dumped, or at least the groundwork is being laid for that happening. You can either keep your dignity (though nobody ever does) or you can beg and plead and make big commitments and the relationship might last another few months. Either way, now is a good time to get in touch with your inner icecream addict.
posted by fvw at 5:10 PM on June 4, 2004

To some people taking a break means being apart for a little and seeing if you miss each other. To others, it means going out and seeing if there are indeed, bigger fish in the sea. Generally one person thinks one thing and the other person thinks the other.

I would advice NOT making any grand gestures, or suddenly paying more attention to her or whatever she wants. I know from experience that she will eventually catch on that the only way to spur you into action is to have a hissy, and the hissies will become more frequent and more drastic just to acheive the desired effect.

People are complicated.
posted by bonheur at 6:31 PM on June 4, 2004

subgenuis, I feel your pain. I went through something similiar about 4 months ago and it pretty much turned out the worst it possibly could. The only advice I'll give you (in public, feel free to e-mail me though) is not to hide this from your friends and family. Having at least 2-3 people to lean on is brutally important in situations like this, especially if your worst fears become realized.

The only other thing I'll add is this: if worst comes to worst and it is over, the best thing you can do for yourself is realize that no matter what, you'll never have answers to all of your questions, i.e. the why's how's when's etc. The sooner you accept this (and I mean truly accept it) the better off you'll be. Good luck, man.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:19 PM on June 4, 2004

I can see that there are a lot of comments to this thread. I'm going to post this first, without reading them. I'll probably want to comment on the thread that it has become, but first I want to address your question directly.

"Taking some time" means a lot of different things. It roughly means that the relationship has come to a point where one or more parties are interested in exploring a possible life without the other. That may be passive shorthand for goodbye, or that may be an indication that you're dealing with a smart and independent person who wants more control of her time.

In any case, it's better to keep thinking of one's self as a unified life, that can be shared and negotiated and transformed through other lives, but as a life unto itself foremost.

Don't get yourself into a game where you have to second-guess each other all the time. Always give time when it's asked for.
posted by squirrel at 1:34 PM on June 5, 2004

Show her this thread, seriously.
posted by anildash at 2:24 PM on June 5, 2004

Indeed, print out this thread, and give her a highlighter and have her highlight the messages that are closest to what she means. ;)
posted by kindall at 10:04 PM on June 5, 2004

No, I don't think you should do that.
posted by bingo at 10:22 AM on June 6, 2004

Well, we have had a couple of conversations since the last time I posted. On the one hand, she referred to us as "broken up." On the other hand, I asked her if I could talk to her about how I feel and why I think we may have been miscommunicating, and she listened and seemed to be taking me seriously. Nothing has changed, but at least we're sort of talking.

Again, all of your comments have been very much appreciated.
posted by subgenius at 12:18 AM on June 7, 2004

I thought I would write a postscript.

First, I'm still not sure what "taking some time" meant. It may have been, as some of you suggested, time to decide whether she wanted to remain in the relationship. Or it could have been a period to decide whether she wanted to break up with me. Or, as others said, it could have been a way of breaking it off slowly. In fact, I'm not sure there's any way to ever really know for sure. I try not to think about it, because questions like that can tear you up.

Second, as to what I should have done or should not have done, the range of suggestions showed how much this decision depends on the relationship and the circumstances. I tried to play it by ear -- on the one hand, flying out to talk face-to-face when it seemed appropriate; on the other hand, not calling when she said she needed time by herself. Regardless whether I could have done things differently, she still wound up breaking up with me.

Clearly, the last month has sucked. Luckily, my friends and family have been great, and MeFi helped get me through the first day when I was in shock and denial. You folks rock.
posted by subgenius at 8:11 PM on July 3, 2004