Comments on: Got any good short, silly one-liner jokes?

Question: Got any good short, silly one-liner jokes?

angryjellybean — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 09:51:12 -0800

Got any good short, silly one-liner jokes?

I've already seen http://ask.metafilter.com/56592/Short-jokes <- that question, so I know this has already been discussed. I just wanted to see if there were any fresh ones, as I've picked the few I liked from there already.

An example of my current favourite is "What's red and invisible?" "No tomatoes."

Anything quick and simple like this is perfect - it's for SMS messages to send someone.
(I've already done extensive Google searches several times, also, and found a number of good ones, but that source quickly dries up.)

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:00:47 -0800

The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

By: 4ster

4ster — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:05:35 -0800

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:06:13 -0800

Have you heard about the three-star restaurant on the Champs-Élysées that makes omelets with only one egg? Apparently in Paris, one egg is un oeuf.

By: dmt

dmt — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:06:33 -0800

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

By: dmt

dmt — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:07:06 -0800

A horse walks into a bar. Barman asks "why the long face"

By: Large Marge

Large Marge — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:08:40 -0800

What's brown and sticky? Chocolate cake

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

By: Mitheral

Mitheral — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:12:25 -0800

2 Betazoids walk into a bar. One says "I'll have the same."

So this neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint of lager and begins to open his wallet when the barman says, "For you, no charge!".

By: essexjan

essexjan — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:14:22 -0800

A man gets into a fight with Batman, who hits him with a vase and goes "T'PAU!"

"Don't you mean 'KAPOW!'?" asks the man

"No", says Batman, "I've got china in my hands"

By: teleskiving

teleskiving — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:15:30 -0800

I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate, by giving him any mail addressed to "The Occupier".

By: hydrophonic

hydrophonic — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:17:01 -0800

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

The following works best after a long line of knock-knock jokes:

"Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Opportunity!"

By: jbickers

jbickers — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:26:47 -0800

What's the difference between a duck? One foot's the same.

By: ORthey

ORthey — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:28:43 -0800

What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?

A helephino!

What did the hat say to the scarf?

"You hang around - I'll go on ahead."

By: bitteroldman

bitteroldman — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:38:24 -0800

What is black, white and red all over?
A newspaper.

By: bitteroldman

bitteroldman — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:39:17 -0800

From mary poppins:

X: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith
y: Really! What's the name of his other leg?

By: emelenjr

emelenjr — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:40:03 -0800

Text your friend: "I've got a great knock-knock joke. Want to hear it?"

When he texts back, "Yes", reply, "OK, you start."

By: wafaa

wafaa — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:40:59 -0800

Damn you, dmt! (that is my favorite of ALL time)

By: jbickers

jbickers — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:44:45 -0800

This morning I saw a man who said he hadn't eaten anything for a week. So I bit him.

(Pause ...)

Oh, wait, I think I told it wrong.

By: jbickers

jbickers — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:45:25 -0800

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them had salt on it.

(Pause ...)

By: TheSecretDecoderRing

TheSecretDecoderRing — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:46:15 -0800

From Letterman's monologue: "Here's how smart rats are: I'm walking through the park, and I see two rats. One of them distracts a squirrel... and the other one grabs his nuts."

By: drjimmy11

drjimmy11 — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:56:52 -0800

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

By: LN

LN — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:00:19 -0800

True story, this.

A man walks into a pub in Northern Ireland to record a trad session, and notices a suspicious-looking bag sitting near the door. He goes to investigate the bag, to find it filled with cables and wires from the sound equipment.

A veteran member of the session approaches him and says, "did you think it was a bomb?"

"No", says the man, "I was worried it was a bodhran".

By: phaded

phaded — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:09:52 -0800

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them had salt on it.

I believe that one goes "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted." (a salted)

By: Nugget

Nugget — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:17:21 -0800

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he'd still be alive today.

or

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, Thats the ugliest baby that Ive ever seen. Ugh!
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, The driver just insulted me!
The man says, Theres no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, Ill hold your monkey for you.

Both from here..

By: wsg

wsg — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:30:48 -0800

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What's gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.

By: PhatLobley

PhatLobley — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:46:29 -0800

Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You man the guns. I'll drive."

By: bruce

bruce — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 11:47:49 -0800

ya heard about the girl who kissed her canary and caught chirpes? her doctor told her it was untweetable. heard about the girl who moved into an apartment upstairs from the bank of america? her assets over a million. all i can tell you on your birthday m'dear is, you're not getting any better, you're getting older! goddamn, i meant that the other way around! are bears catholic? does the pope shit in the woods?

By: Hello, Revelers! I am Captain Lavender!

Hello, Revelers! I am Captain Lavender! — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:02:42 -0800

A dog limps into a saloon, holding one leg off the ground gingerly, and says, "I'm lookin' for the man... who shot my paw"

By: ill3

ill3 — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:26:10 -0800

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

By: Meatbomb

Meatbomb — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:30:58 -0800

What did the farmer say when he lost his plow?
Hey! Where's my plow?!?

What has two legs, but can't walk?
Half a dog.

Why do farts smell?
So the deaf can enjoy them too.

By: hjo3

hjo3 — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:31:06 -0800

Two bytes are sitting in a bar.
One says: "I'm not feeling so well. I think I might have a parity error."
"Yeah," says the other, "I thought you looked a bit off."

By: Meatbomb

Meatbomb — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:33:31 -0800

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak, now you say "Control freak who?"

By: HotPatatta

HotPatatta — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:58:32 -0800

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.

By: Doctor Suarez

Doctor Suarez — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:59:01 -0800

"Pretentious? Moi?"

Not tremendously funny, but I think it's actually the shortest joke I've ever seen? (taken from the pilot of Fawlty Towers)

By: yoga

yoga — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:09:20 -0800

Two blondes walk into a building. I don't know why one of them didn't see it.

By: bruceo

bruceo — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:23:03 -0800

a skeleton walks into bar and says "i'd like a beer... and a mop".

a termite walks into a bar and says "where's the bar tender?"

By: Iteki

Iteki — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:25:22 -0800

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

That, and the stick one are two of my faves.

By: cashman

cashman — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:26:21 -0800

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKV_yy5iwdY

By: dlugoczaj

dlugoczaj — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:31:33 -0800

bruceo, I think your second joke works better as "Is the bar tender here?"

(the first joke is one of my great favorites)

By: pinkbuttonanus

pinkbuttonanus — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:35:51 -0800

How do you confuse an archaeologist?

Give 'em a used tampon and ask which period it's from.

By: utsutsu

utsutsu — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:37:16 -0800

Here's my favorite...

A baby seal walks into a club.

...

That's the whole joke. When you tell it, they'll be waiting for the punchline. It takes a few seconds for them to realize that WAS the punchline.

By: Iteki

Iteki — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:43:08 -0800

What's the difference between a pheromone and a hormone?
You can't hear a pheromone.

What's long, hard and full of seamen?
A submarine. (Works better in person)

By: B(oYo)BIES

B(oYo)BIES — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 13:53:44 -0800

@phaded

Which sparks this one...

Best done in a restaurant...

Grab the salt and put a butter knife (any knife) on top of it. Now ask somebody, "What is this?"

A salt (assault) with a deadly weapon.

By: Rain Man

Rain Man — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 14:58:42 -0800

From a friend:

How are men like linoleum?

Lay 'em good and you can walk all over 'em.

By: kandinski

kandinski — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 15:17:54 -0800

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!

By: The Bellman

The Bellman — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 15:22:17 -0800

What's red and sits in a corner?

A naughty strawberry.

By: SassHat

SassHat — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 15:55:12 -0800

What did the mommy volcano say to the baby volcano? I lava you.

By: TheOtherGuy

TheOtherGuy — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 16:10:22 -0800

Q) How can you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A) You can't close the door.

By: Fat Guy

Fat Guy — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 16:28:48 -0800

Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood!

Q: What is invisible and smells like worms?
A: Bird farts!

Q: What has a million legs and can't walk?
A: Jerry's kids!

Q: What's 6 inches long and has two nuts?
A: Almond Joy!

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as the new industry standard.

By: enaira

enaira — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 16:38:06 -0800

what does snoop doggy dog wash his clothes with?
ble-otch

get it? like bleach, but ble-otch? ha ha

By: Neonshock

Neonshock — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 16:45:27 -0800

When you were born you were so ugly, the doctor slapped your mother instead.

By: PHINC

PHINC — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 17:27:30 -0800

What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you in the corner."

Did you hear about the baby revolution in South America?
It was a kitchy-kitchy coup.
(I made that one up.)

By: notashroom

notashroom — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 18:18:06 -0800

Knock knock
Who's -
Interrupting cow! Moo!

That was my kids' favorite for a long time.

By: knowles

knowles — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 18:20:43 -0800

Why can you never starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand, which is everywhere.

By: blindcarboncopy

blindcarboncopy — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 20:39:21 -0800

Q: What did the girl oyster say to the boy oyster?
A: You never open up to me!

By: joshrholloway

joshrholloway — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 21:42:23 -0800

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

By: Civil_Disobedient

Civil_Disobedient — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 22:08:10 -0800

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking eye-deer.

By: h00py

h00py — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 22:37:19 -0800

A drunk vomits on a dog. Dog runs away yelping. Drunk says, "hey, I don't remember eating that!"

By: birdsquared

birdsquared — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 23:58:42 -0800

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? FISH!

By: Daniel Striped Tiger

Daniel Striped Tiger — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 00:40:02 -0800

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What, you don't know?

By: Davaal

Davaal — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 04:53:22 -0800

2 cannibals are munching on a clown. one looks at the other and says "Yo, does this thing taste funny to you?"

By: Joseph Gurl

Joseph Gurl — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 06:27:35 -0800

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

AIDS

By: allkindsoftime

allkindsoftime — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 06:56:20 -0800

what does a fish say when it hits a wall?

DAM!

---

what has four legs and one arm?

a happy pit bull.

---

what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

anyone can roast beef.

---

why do ducks have flat feet?

to stamp out forest fires.

why do elephants have flat feet?

to stamp out burning ducks.

---

how do you catch a unique rabbit?

unique up on it.

how do you catch a tame rabbit?

tame way, duh. unique up on it.

By: arcticwoman

arcticwoman — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 06:58:14 -0800

What's the hardest thing about being a Republican?
Telling your parents you're gay.

(from a past MeFi thread - I forget which one)

By: madmethods

madmethods — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:17:38 -0800

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A: Piiig...

Warning: be prepared to wait a *long* time for some people to get it. Like a couple of days :).

-G

By: wsg

wsg — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:34:04 -0800

Two cannibals are talking. One says "I don't like my mother-in-law."

The other cannibal says "So just eat the noodles."

By: valkane

valkane — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 09:55:04 -0800

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nine. One to screw in the bulb, and the other eight to stand around saying "I can do that."

...

You know what you use the ethernet for? To catch the ether-bunny!

...

You used asbestos in that wall?

That was asbestos I could do.

...

My fave: What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?

"HERE COME THE ELEPHANTS!"

yuk-yuk-yuk.

By: valkane

valkane — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 10:01:51 -0800

What's the difference between a girls field hockey team, and a tribe of pygmies?

One's a bunch of cunning little runts.

...

Two turkeys are having thanksgiving dinner. One turkey asks the other, "would you like some more pumpkin pie?"

The other replies, "No thanks, I'm stuffed."

...

Fave one-liner: "No left turn unstoned."

ok, i'll stop.

By: lassie

lassie — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 10:32:01 -0800

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?

Whassup, B?!

By: zeph

zeph — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 11:36:53 -0800

What's fast, green, and dangerous?

A thundering herd of pickles.

By: mikeinclifton

mikeinclifton — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 14:09:03 -0800

Whats brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

By: hootch

hootch — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 15:02:40 -0800

One of these is basically the same as Joseph Gurl's, but with an even less politically-correct punchline.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Being raped.

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.

By: subbes

subbes — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 15:22:43 -0800

What kind of birds flock together?
Vel-crows.

(that's my favourite joke EVER.)

By: Lucie

Lucie — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 17:34:15 -0800

Did you hear about the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.

By: Mr. Gunn

Mr. Gunn — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 18:25:20 -0800

How many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?
Blue, because there's no bones in ice cream.

By: jbickers

jbickers — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 18:29:01 -0800

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter, cleaning the glasses. The horse sees him staring, and says, "What's your problem, bub? You never seen a horse tending bar before?"

The man says, "No, I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

By: lekvar

lekvar — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 01:11:24 -0800

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

~~What, you don't know?~~

*sigh*

I have that joke on vinyl.

By: robotot

robotot — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 14:11:23 -0800

Why does Snoop Dogg carry and umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!

What's the difference between a ferrari and a headless corpse?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers. Bartender says "hey did you know you've got a steering wheel down your pants?"
The man replies "yeah, it's driving me nuts"

Why did the plane crash?
cos' the pilot was a tomato.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

What's green, has siz legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree on top of you?
a pool table.

How do you know if a drummer's at your front door?
the knocking speeds up.

By: tzikeh

tzikeh — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 15:30:36 -0800

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
PEER PRESSURE!

By: tzikeh

tzikeh — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 15:31:29 -0800

I made a terrible Freudian slip at dinner the other night. I meant to ask my mother "please pass the salt," but what I said was "you psychotic bitch, you ruined my life."

By: BoscosMom

BoscosMom — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 15:41:26 -0800

Here is a bunch of Halloween themed one liners.

By: Mr. Gunn

Mr. Gunn — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 16:09:19 -0800

What's the difference between an 11-year old girl and ice cream?

You can't use an 11-year old girl to lure ice cream into your basement.

By: arcticwoman

arcticwoman — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 20:36:26 -0800

Did you know that cigarettes are the leading cause of death by smoking?

Also, smoking is the leading cause of statistics.

Furthermore, 76% of statistics are made up on the spot.

By: h00py

h00py — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 07:31:51 -0800

What's grey?
A melted down penguin.

By: h00py

h00py — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 07:33:24 -0800

This is a three-liner but a classic:

"My dog has no nose."
"How does it smell?"
"Terrible!"

By: Freen

Freen — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 21:13:32 -0800

What is big, green, and heavy, and falls out of trees and kills people?

A pool table.

By: lekvar

lekvar — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 00:45:45 -0800

What's black and white and can't go through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

By: Zaximus

Zaximus — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 12:06:58 -0800

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

I-HOP.

By: ClanvidHorse

ClanvidHorse — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:33:35 -0800

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

By: chillmost

chillmost — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 04:20:23 -0800

English Teacher: In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."

By: Deathalicious

Deathalicious — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:54:35 -0800

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

Swim for your life!

By: redteam

redteam — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:41:35 -0800

Why did the pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because their belts were on their hats.

This one works best with English people:
Why did the lobster get thrown out of the pub?
Because he was "givin' alla this" (make talking motions with both of your hands - like if they were claws)

This one works well in Los Angeles:
What did the gang member say when several houses fell on top of him?
"Get off me, homes"

Visual:
[Make your hand into sort of a claw - like if your hand was a spider or bug - then put the back of your hand on a table or surface]
What's this? (the back of your hand is on the surface)
A dead one of these. (put the tips of your fingers on that surface)

McSweeney's did some good ones as well. My favorite:
What do you call a room full of lawyers?
A group of highly educated legal professionals.

By: zazerr

zazerr — Tue, 13 May 2008 06:59:55 -0800

Anything that ever came out of Mitch Hedberg's mouth.

By: daHIFI

daHIFI — Tue, 13 May 2008 08:49:35 -0800

What does a gay horse eat?

HAY<>

By: VicNebulous

VicNebulous — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:40:54 -0800

What do you call a blonde with a brain?

Pregnant.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his wife?

Wiped his ass.

By: VicNebulous

VicNebulous — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:43:09 -0800

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.

By: speicus

speicus — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:38:19 -0800

A man walks into a joke.

By: po

po — Wed, 14 May 2008 04:27:17 -0800

My younger sister used to tell incomprehensible jokes as a child. One of my favorites:

Two penguins are taking a bath. One says to the other, "Can you pass me the soap?" And the other says, "I can't, I'm a radio!"