Help me help my dramatic sister.

November 21, 2007 6:58 AM

How to help a person known for high drama... (long)

My half-sister was put up for adoption ten years before I was born and had very bad experiences with her adoptive parents. We met in person when she came to say with the family, including the mother we share. She brought her boyfriend and her two kids, and it was fun, but I never really got to know her in depth as they were all clingy with each other. We've also talked on the phone occasionally, for very long yack sessions. She talked about her experiences, but she was understandably guarded, and I still don't feel like I really know her well. We're related, and I love her, but the fact is we've lived separate lives, and I have to treat the situation pragmatically, realizing I don't know very much about the range of her personality.

She, her kids, and her boyfriend live in a crap part of town in the Midwest. Every time we hear from her, some intense drama dominates the conversation: custody battles between they and her boyfriend's ex-wife, who they're saying is a drug-addict, over his kids; extending all the way to epic battles between they and the corrupt state itself. Her boyfriend ends up in jail because of corrupt cops, or there's some person she never met that needs help of some kind. I think, because she spent time lost in the cracks of the system, she looks for things to fix (including her boyfriend), but she can't, and she just gets mired in the whole thing. I think she's sincere, but honestly it's all hearsay for me.

On top of all this, she's ill, and it's intensified by something in the area -- either some environmental factor, or just the stress of the place itself. She tells me she spent some time on the West coast and it helped her immensely; that symptoms of her illness had decreased substantially. When her symptoms are showing, she's unable to work, and barely makes it on disability.

From what I saw, she and her kids had a sweet relationship, but they're teens now and rebelling; living with their dads of late, or staying with friends. As you'd expect, there's more drama: Her boyfriend just got arrested for robbing a fucking bank. I'd say it's totally bizarre and out of character, but the reality is I don't know a whole lot about them to begin with.

So she's alone in her rented house, kids away, boyfriend in jail, and she's looking to us for support. She apparently talked about suicide at some point, which is scary, and she also dropped hints she'd like to come stay with us. I want to help her, but I'm afraid the decisions that got her into this situation won't stop if we just take her in. My hope is that with a better, less moldy climate, and away from the influence of all the low-lifes in her hometown, she'll find a more independent way to live, and stop leaning on strange people and seeking out horrible dramatic crises.

Her connection on the West coast is apparently unable to help her, and I don't know whether she has any other out of state options. I hope I'm not making the wrong choice in my reluctance to simply take her in, but my desire here is to find some compromise that can help her, without simply enabling her and inviting all the crazy elements she attracts, because, frankly, we've got plenty of problems of our own.

Am I an evil asshole? How can I help her?

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

What about taking her in with some ground rules laid out before hand as well as a distinct, set-in-stone time frame?
posted by dead_ at 7:10 AM on November 21, 2007

Take it from someone who know - people like that (I won't offer an armchair diagnoses) will create drama and trauma whereever they go. Taking her in would be a grave mistake.

Give her a couple of bucks and a "Sorry, things are tough around here right now too" story.

Do not take her in.
posted by unixrat at 7:20 AM on November 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

Where is this fucking bank? I'd like to make a deposit.

Seriously, I wouldn't get caught up in this situation anymore than offering advice or just lending an ear. She sounds like she needs professional help. Having her move in sounds like a bad idea, and would probably drag you into a life of drama and codependency. If you do take her in, make sure it’s understood that she has to go to therapy for the duration of her stay. If it makes you feel better, help her financially, but don't expect much in return.
posted by studentbaker at 7:21 AM on November 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

I would NOT take her in! I think your reluctance is well grounded and you have NO idea what this woman is really like. For a moment, imagine she has been sugar coating everything. In that world: her boyfriend is a violent criminal, her children despise her and find her so chaotic they would rather live elsewhere, and she is perhaps herself a drug addict or alcoholic. If a person like that comes to live with you, YOUR life will descend into chaos.

Why don't you fly out there, help her find a new apartment, and give her six months of rent. Extra points for helping her find a job, etc.
posted by zia at 7:23 AM on November 21, 2007

Also, I would not expect that if you just give her money she will make wise decisions about how to spend it. E.g., deposit for new apartment goes for car for new boyfriend or for bail... you may have get rather involved. Also, if you are perceived as a wallet (esp. one without strings), you may never get her to stop calling/being dependent on you.
posted by zia at 7:26 AM on November 21, 2007

Under no circumstances should you let her come to stay at your house. This will only end poorly; once she's under your roof, this will become an unmanageable disaster. One of my aunts stayed with my mother for several months under similiar circumstances and now no one in my family is speaking to this aunt. Take her out to dinner, hang out with her, but don't let her move in or lend her money. Doing that opens a whole avenue of potenial problems.
posted by Phoenix42 at 7:35 AM on November 21, 2007

Decide in advance what your limits are. She's your biological half-sister, but not necessarily your emotional sister. She was raised to turn everything into drama and crisis, and she seems to be making choices that will keep the crises and drama coming. Whatever help you give will be expected in the future.

You can help by finding out what resources are available in her area, by giving her positive feedback for good choices, and not accepting excuses when she makes bad choices. She's almost certainly eligible for subsidized housing, and if you want her to live near you, you could check out the options.

You could also be a good Auntie to her kids, at least in the sense of honorary auntie, where you send cards and letters, listen a lot, and give good advice, and cool gifts. I play that role fand it's fun, and potentially valuable to the kids. I could've used an honorary auntie, and my son benefits from his honorary aunties and uncles.
posted by theora55 at 8:04 AM on November 21, 2007

You want to help her -- but the kind of help she really needs is something you can't give. I love theora55's advice.
posted by wryly at 8:37 AM on November 21, 2007

Nthing don't let her move in with you. If you can help financially, consider sending her a monthly stipend (as a gift) contingent upon her attending regular therapy sessions and financial counseling (which you pay for).

I would offer paying for therapy as something "to help her get through all the drama she's being put through," to avoid telling her I think she chooses to be in this drama by making bad decisions (continuing to see BF who is in constant trouble with police, etc.).

Her talk of suicide is likely part of her plea for help and not indicative of serious intent to harm herself (IANAT), so get her the help she actually needs (therapy), and do not take emotional responsibility for her decisions! You cannot fix her life or make her happy/healthy/whatever. If she is willing to take help doing it herself from you, in a way that does not cross your boundaries, then great. If not, you can't make her.

I hope this works out, for you and for her! She is lucky to have you!
posted by argylekneesocks at 8:38 AM on November 21, 2007

I've been in a similar situation twice and found both times that when I tried to help I ended up being sucked into their drama. Instead of getting any better at dealing with things on their own, they would call me even more, wanting money, help with the social service agencies who were also giving up on them, more and more "sympathy" for what turned out to be in one case an incredible lie, and when it became clear I was pulling away, they would literally wheedle and whine.

So, no, you're not being an evil asshole. A "respectful" distance is just that--it maintains mutual respect. Guide her to the appropriate agencies, *very occasionally* offer a "loan" (likely to be a grant), and maintain your distance.
posted by PatoPata at 8:45 AM on November 21, 2007

Definitely follow your instincts not to take her in. Her drama will follow her, and she'll create more while she's at it.

If you are in a position to give her money, don't give it directly. If it's money for a new apartment, pay the landlord directly. If it's for therapy, pay the therapist directly. Etc.

If you're not long on cash, lend an ear and try to be a rational voice for her. It's not being an asshole if it's something she needs to hear, even if what you're saying may sound harsh initially.

And thirding theora55's advice to be an honorary auntie to her kids - that's a great idea.
posted by bassjump at 8:49 AM on November 21, 2007

How to help a person known for high drama...

I read the [more inside], but I really didn't need to. The fact that you led with this is pretty much everything we both need to know.

High drama is a way of life, and until she's ready to move on from it there is *absolutely* *nothing* *you* *can* *do*.

My hope is that with a better, less moldy climate, and away from the influence of all the low-lifes in her hometown, she'll find a more independent way to live, and stop leaning on strange people and seeking out horrible dramatic crises.


You're a good person for hoping this, but there's no particular reason to believe that moving her physically will change anything. All towns include a low-life element, and if that's where she's comfortable then she'll end up in yours.
posted by tkolar at 8:55 AM on November 21, 2007

This sounds like my sister, who's been divorced six times, and seems to lurch from crisis to crisis. Over the summer she reached what I hoped would be a rock bottom and she needed my help, which I gave on the understanding that (a) it was a one-off and (b) she had to get counselling/therapy.

I saw her last weekend and nothing has changed and she's repeating the same old patterns that have got her into trouble so many times before. So she's on her own, despite the fact that she's her own worst enemy in terms of the life choices she makes.

I don't feel great about the fact that she's likely to end up in a financial and emotional pit, but I am not moving the boundaries I set last summer, for my own well-being.

I was a divorce lawyer for 15 years and saw the drama time and time again from certain clients. I knew that whatever arrangements were made for residence or contact with the children, within weeks of the court making the final order it would all go tits up. The clients seemed to need - indeed thrive - on turmoil and conflict, whether it was them against their ex-partner or against the Council, the Court Welfare Service, etc.

It's a mindset. If your sister doesn't want to change, she won't, but you don't have to be a supporting player in her real-life soap opera.
posted by essexjan at 9:23 AM on November 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

I had an old childhood friend like this. When we reconnected as adults, she was a single mom, unemployed and living in another friend's basement. While I didn't invite her and her kids to come live with me, I helped her out a LOT. I used to give her gift cards to grocery stores or target, free babysitting, helped her pay for some medical emergencies, brought meals over to her house. I also ended up giving her my old car when I got a new one.

What happened is that my friend came to not only expect these gestures from me, but she became increasingly bitter about the differences in our lifestyles. I started to find out that the money I'd give her to help cover a child's medical bill was often used to buy pot and beer. This is just one of the reasons our friendship ended.

The last I heard, she was unemployed again and had moved herself and her kids in with some of her extended family.

I think if you feel comfortable helping her a bit with gift cards or helping out with a bit of money, that is cool. Be careful about establishing yourself as a person who takes care of her. Understand that once you give her money, it is hers to do with as she chooses and she may not opt to spend it on what you think she should spend it on.
Try and be a person who helps her become more self-sufficient, rather than dependent.
posted by pluckysparrow at 10:57 AM on November 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

And thirding theora55's advice to be an honorary auntie to her kids - that's a great idea.

4thing it... but "honorary"? If these are her (half) sister's biological children there's nothing honorary about it, she is their actual auntie.

A good aunt or uncle can save a child's emotional life, and it doesn't take much more than reliable contact (ie: phone call or letter at regular intervals) which shows they are important to you.
posted by zarah at 11:36 AM on November 21, 2007

What happened is that my friend came to not only expect these gestures from me, but she became increasingly bitter about the differences in our lifestyles. I started to find out that the money I'd give her to help cover a child's medical bill was often used to buy pot and beer.

This is a slightly (but only slightly) more extreme version of what's happening to a friend of mine and the help that she's given to a quasi-family member of hers (minus the purchase of pot and beer in lieu of a child's medical bill). My friend is a single mom, struggling (even on a good salary) to make ends meet in an expensive city. The quasi-family member, though certainly not a drama/trauma addict, leads a somewhat unstable lifestyle financially, due to her own professional limits and her spouse's inability to hold down a job (plus she's taking care of her own parents and extended family).

My friend has been very generous, even with her own financial struggles, and as truly thankful as the quasi-friend has been, she's gradually come to expect... more. And more. To the point that she has now become resentful that my friend putting a very modest amount of money away in college/retirement funds when she (the quasi-family member) could use that money NOW. (But the money doesn't always go to its intended purpose, of course. Instead of paying off medical bills or night school classes that could help her improve her job skills, it goes to buy the husband a new TV or to take her nieces and nephews to Disneyland.)

It's been really painful for my friend, to see that her best intentions and generosity have, in some ways, come to nothing.
posted by scody at 2:39 PM on November 21, 2007

Scody, great point.

Anon, rather than give directly you may also benefit your sister by providing an example. Scody, while your friend's quasi-family member may resent her, she is indirectly showing her how its done. That's invaluable.
posted by zia at 5:43 PM on November 21, 2007

I'd let her stay with me, but only for a brief and firmly defined period of time that was short and clearly a vacation vs. an extended move. A week maximum.

I wouldn't give her money, not even a small amount. It sounds like what she needs is therapy, not money. Perhaps being around stable people in a different environment would be a good enough influence on her to make her motivated to change her own life.
posted by groovinkim at 6:16 PM on November 21, 2007

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Separate what you can give or do for her from what she wants or "needs". Stop feeling guilty. You're not going to be able to take care of her if you can't take care of yourself throughout what looks like is going to be an involved period of psychological introspection (hopefully) for her. Be there as much as you can without feeling like you're sacrificing parts of yourself.

No, you're not an evil asshole. But I've been that pyschodrama girl and believe me, there's not much you're going to be able to do to help her out if you give so much you eventually feel like you're going to collapse yourself. You're not there to be strong for her because she's going to have to learn to have to do that herself.

If she's talking about suicide, that's serious and she needs help. Encourage her to go see someone. If she can't afford it, start with support groups. Don't get yourself into a position where you start saying to yourself, "But I'm the only one she can count on!"

I can't give any advice on the money/environmental situation, everyone has different thresholds of financial comfort/generosity/discomfort with the possibility of not being paid back immediately. I can understand the misery of living in a place you despise, but the best thing you can do is to be there by literally being there for her. Listen. Don't judge. If you can get away with it, don't even say anything. Any advice (like this, for example) has a 50/50 chance of working/backfiring on her at this point if she's feeling as desperate as you describe. Like argylekneesocks says, don't start feeling emotionally responsible.

Good luck.
posted by twins named Lugubrious and Salubrious at 6:25 PM on November 21, 2007

Unless you feel like you need more drama, tears and recrimination in your life, I absolutely would not let her move in with you. I let my sister move in with me under similar circumstances. It was very bad. Very, very bad.

The drama-laden, they are not like you and me. You cannot help them. They have to help themselves.
posted by winna at 7:19 PM on November 21, 2007

Another option, could you go and visit? It'd give you the opportunity to help her out a bit, get to know your nephews, and see the situation for yourself. Wouldn't have to be long, say a few days to a week.

I really don't think that encouraging her to move is a great idea if she's got rebelling teenagers living in the area. They'll just feel abandoned, even if they say they hate her right now. Plus you really don't need the drama.
posted by kjs4 at 7:28 PM on November 21, 2007