Is there a gift that says "thanks for the threesome?"

November 19, 2007 9:25 AM

Is there a gift that says "thanks for the threesome?"

My boyfriend, his ex (female, straight), and I (female, decidedly not straight) had a semi-drunken threesome. She was very considerate and respectful, as were we, and a good time was had by all--for which I am quite grateful. We're acquaintances but not close friends.

It is important to note that I have some ooky romantic feelings for her, but do NOT intend to pursue a romantic relationship of any kind. For one thing, she's straight. For another, she's a social Darwinist (ugh).

How do we keep communication open, while maintaining the right distance? I don't want to be creepy but I also don't want to hurt her feelings by being too distant. We live in different cities so everyday friendly gestures are out of the question. And how would we know if she wanted to participate in similar activities later?

I want to send her flowers from both of us, but I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea unless there's some sort of breezy, casual sex flower that I'm unaware of.

Any other insights into this situation would be appreciated. You can also email me at sondrialiac at gmail.

posted by sondrialiac to human relations (44 comments total)

Flowers seem too romantic. I recommend a bottle of something classy.

Cheeky bonus points for including three nice glasses along with it.
posted by hermitosis at 9:27 AM on November 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

Fancy and nice-smelling bath soaps, perhaps?
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:32 AM on November 19, 2007

Fine Chocolates? Balloons? Discretion?
posted by OlderThanTOS at 9:35 AM on November 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

How do we keep communication open, while maintaining the right distance?

Er, leave a nice voicemail? "Hey, we just wanted to let you know we had a great time the other night and hope you did, too. Thanks for being so cool with everything, and feel free to call if you want to hang out again. We'll do the same."
posted by mediareport at 9:36 AM on November 19, 2007

don't do more than sending a nice email saying in effect "hey, thanks. I had fun. we should do that again some time."

anything else will end up being interpreted as an attempt to start a polyarmorous relationship and -most likely- freak her out.

and wait a day or two.
posted by krautland at 9:38 AM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

krautland's e-mail suggestion is probably the smartest way to go about this. Which is a shame, because it would've been great to get a local pastry shop to deliver an eclair and two donuts to her doorstep.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:42 AM on November 19, 2007 [17 favorites]

Thirding the email only route. If she wants more she'll let you know, and giving her a little space is probably wise.
posted by jet_silver at 9:44 AM on November 19, 2007

I agree with krautland. Anything else would be kind of awkward. Discretion, too, was a good answer. So, a combination of those two.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 9:53 AM on November 19, 2007

Uh...discretion might not be possible at this point.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:55 AM on November 19, 2007

Personally, I think your boyfriend should be buying you presents for being awesome.

However, a visit to Coco De Mer (nsfw) should provide a suitable gift. Amongst the lingerie and sex toys you'll find jewelry, books, bath milks, oils, candles etc all with a suitably saucy edge. They all come beautifuly wrapped and packaged too.

You should also include a short, hand written note saying thanks for the consideration and respectfulness you mentioned, a phone number or email address and an invitation to get in touch with you anytime.
posted by brautigan at 10:00 AM on November 19, 2007

I find it slightly odd to give a thank you gift for sex. I don't know why, just seems a little too formal and Miss Mannersish for me. I mean would she have to then send a thank you note for the thanks for the threesome gift? I think follow the advice above and at the most just give her a call or drop her an email.
posted by whoaali at 10:14 AM on November 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

Send her an email recommending a CD by a band you think she would like, or a movie, or some other version of "here's something neat and I'm not trying to make plans with you." You don't have to reference the other night, just jump right into the "keeping non-creepy communication open."
posted by rhizome at 10:19 AM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yes, but they're kind of tacky.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 10:21 AM on November 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

to further elaborate on my previous answer: whether or not something will happen again in the future depends on how you behave in social settings around this person from hereon (assuming the sex wasn't considered terrible by the other party).

so be nice, be friendly, treat it as "your cute little secret" and go on behaving like you otherwise would. the signal you're sending is that your mature enough not to lose your head and thus can be trusted to again... you got it, right?
posted by krautland at 10:25 AM on November 19, 2007

Uh, don't send email. Not unless this is a totally unimportant 'little thing' to you which, given the question on the green, it's not. Send flowers. There's really nothing wrong with flowers and they are, in fact, the right move 99.99% of the time and are a perfectly respectable way of letting somebody else know you think they're pretty cool. Yes, some people think it's cliche and overwrought but there's not much to be done about the bad taste of other people. So if you want to send flowers then send a small batch and a note thanking her for her company and letting you know how much you enjoyed it.

I'd be a little bit wary about asking her to get together another time -- different people react in very strange ways to these sorts of things. Giving her the space to decide if she wants to respond to your gift with similar enthusiasm or just politely forget about the whole thing is necessary. Just let her know you had a good time and, if you really think she had fun, let her know you want to do it again but don't assume anything and make it clear you're asking her if you do decide to be so bold.
posted by nixerman at 10:29 AM on November 19, 2007

nixerman, the problem remains, what flowers would convey "I think you're neat" but not "I AM OBSESSED"?

I'm a bit old-fashioned about interpersonal communication, but I'm still not sure flowers are a great idea because I can't figure out what kind is friendly, and not romantic. I'm not sure there is a kind of flower like that, in this context.
posted by sondrialiac at 10:43 AM on November 19, 2007

Seconding the weirdness of a "thank you for having sex with me" present.

Unless she was a hooker and gave you a good deal, in which case... tip at Christmas just as you would your paperboy.
posted by toomuchpete at 10:47 AM on November 19, 2007 [5 favorites]

Daisies. Plain white ones, not the brightly coloured African ones. They are friendly and not too intense.
posted by Pallas Athena at 10:49 AM on November 19, 2007

What about a (carefully chosen) book? I think the flowers are too romantic and body wash etc sends the message "you stink". Edible arrangements/fruit bouquet is another non-romantic but classy gesture. I've never sent a gift for a threesome before though, I usually just send an email. If I were you I might hold off and send a nice winter holiday gift somewhere between aquaintance and girlfriend on the cost scale.
posted by saucysault at 10:50 AM on November 19, 2007

I think the flowers sound sweet, and that anything short of a dozen red roses would hit the "thanks (I'm not obsessed with you)" point you're going for. I would leave the note at something along the lines of "We had a great time, and hope you did too."

It sounds like you want something just from you, though, and not from you and your boyfriend. Would something from the 2 of you (given you were both present) defuse the dynamic some, or add other unwanted things to it?
posted by gingerbeer at 11:10 AM on November 19, 2007

Daisies, yes.
posted by unknowncommand at 11:11 AM on November 19, 2007

Don't give soap, even fancy stuff. It suggests that she might... you know... need some.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:15 AM on November 19, 2007

a small bouquet of daisies from the both of you might work. have the card say, "thanks for a great night" or something similar.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:28 AM on November 19, 2007

you are making a big deal out of this if you send flowers.
seriously.

I have been there. I have done too much and girls have stepped back because of it.
posted by krautland at 11:33 AM on November 19, 2007

Uh, yeah, nthing the idea that it's creepy to give a gift to thank someone for sex.

I'd say send a nice "had a good time" e-mail, and only if things are absolutely, completely kosher between boyfriend and ex, which they rarely ever are. If they are, then congratulations on accomplishing something that few couples would be able to handle.
posted by sian at 11:36 AM on November 19, 2007

I'm a big fan of sending flowers generally, but it strikes me as too romantic and a little embarrassing for this. E-mail, voicemail, or a cute, quirky card saying what mediareport said, or "had a great time the other night. Rrowr!" or the equivalent in you-speak.

No saucy/sexy/intimate presents. Seriously. It'll come off as, "Dear Girl: Thanks for the Sex. Hugs and kisses, The Couple."

You'll know if she wants to do this again if she replies. Or finds a reason to be in your city. Or invites you to visit her if you're in the area, all nonchalant-but-not y'know. Pretty much the same signals that got her into your bed in the first place, yes?

Now, if you did find yourself in her city, it would be adorable to bring her daisies when you go out with her.

/have threesome'd with a couple.
posted by desuetude at 11:45 AM on November 19, 2007

Another call for "gift for sex=stay far, far away from these people." I think anything you do at this point will come off creepy. I'm sure there were plenty of unspoken and spoken "thank-you's" throughout the event. That's plenty.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 11:47 AM on November 19, 2007

Flowers or any other gift send the message that you're hoping to keep things going. You are, but -- are you sure she's ready to hear that? Send a message that everything's cool, you had fun, and there are absolutely no expectations for a next time.
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:49 AM on November 19, 2007

N-nthing the email suggestion. It's entirely appropriate. A gift will almost certainly send the wrong message, even flowers of any type.

Try looking at it like your boyfriend hadn't been involved, like you'd just hooked up with her after a party and had had a good time. Would you send a gift to a one night stand unless you were looking for something more?
posted by Item at 11:55 AM on November 19, 2007

To answer this question,

what flowers would convey "I think you're neat" but not "I AM OBSESSED"?,

I think it is a matter of scale, and I don't think "short of a dozen red roses" is enough of a limit. You want something tiny. A potted plant, rather than cut flowers, probably, for informality.

here's a good idea.
here's a bad idea.
posted by zadermatermorts at 11:55 AM on November 19, 2007

Nthing the note saying "thanks, we had fun, you're welcome to join us again in the future."

A threesome is really a gift in itself, if you think about it. Sending someone a thank-you gift for sex seems a little hookery to me. Flowers are definitely a no-no, because if you send them to her office or if she lives with someone, she's going to get the "ooooOOOOOooohhh, whoo sent you FLOWerrrs???" from everyone who sees them.

A bottle of high-quality lube, on the other hand, is usually an appropriate and useful present for someone you enjoy sex with. I probably wouldn't send her one right now, but, like, maybe for next Christmas if you guys have a couple more adventures in the next year.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:01 PM on November 19, 2007

Awesome, guys, thanks for the insight. Keep it coming if you can. I'm still stewing over this but I'm probably going to err on the side of caution because I obviously have some mushy feelings so my judgment isn't the best.

I really appreciate the help--you'd be surprised how few people are able/equipped to discuss the finer points of threesome etiquette.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:47 PM on November 19, 2007

sondrialiac,

In the past I've sent lilies to an old friend on the occasion of a reunion and, though a bit unconventional, these were a big hit that were remembered years later. I can't imagine why you're so very concerned with coming off as obsessed and/or creepy. Maybe there's something else here, maybe your feelings for her are preventing you from taking a step back and appreciating a fun night between friends. Either way you're probably blowing this out of proportion and making it more than what it is. If a gift is really too much of an effort for you just call her on the phone, tell her you had a lot of fun and thank her. That's it, bing bang, move on.
posted by nixerman at 12:55 PM on November 19, 2007

Yes, send flowers; yes, send daisies, and here's how:

Buy a nice, neutral card. Inside, press the head of one daisy that you have removed all petals except one. On the card, write "Your call. [Sign your name]"
posted by rob511 at 1:05 PM on November 19, 2007

I personally would be more creeped out by any kind of gift than a "thank you" you e-mail or call.

This kind of thing, if you're trying to keep it casual, should be treated like any other casual event (dinner with friends, etc). Sure, sex is "more" than dinner to most people, but not really when it's just recreational, and not relationship-related.

Example: I (female) go on a ski trip with a platonic friend (male) and afterwards I call or e-mail him and say, "hey, that was a great time, thanks, let's do it again next year." I don't send him a gift.
posted by iguanapolitico at 1:11 PM on November 19, 2007

If I was in her shoes (and I have been) and if I had a good time (I did) then I would have been quite charmed to receive something, whether I had any intention of ever enjoying a repeat performance. I don't know why everyone is handling this like nitroglycerin. People who have threesomes don't automatically retreat afterward into their own private world where what happened must only be spoken of in hushed neutral tones.

You and your partner know her better than we do. If you think it would be fine, it will probably be fine. Especially if you can do so lightheartedly and knowing that sometimes these things are just a one-off, no matter how much fun everyone has. But if you can't send something without overthinking it into oblivion (and because of your feelings, maybe you really can't), then you should probably skip it. Why tie yourself in knots over something so simple? Give her a call, tell her you had a great time, and leave it at that.
posted by hermitosis at 1:47 PM on November 19, 2007

This seems like an entirely appropriate occasion for a Pretzelgram.
posted by Caviar at 2:03 PM on November 19, 2007

Girls make me retarded, you'd think I was going through puberty. I appreciate the help.

We will probably send a small bottle of very nice alcohol, post-Thanksgiving.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:07 PM on November 19, 2007

And, for a very fast follow-up...she just emailed to invite us to her hometown for a weekend. Thanks, crew!

(ps: WOOO)
posted by sondrialiac at 2:26 PM on November 19, 2007

I'll second the earlier suggestion that your boyfriend should be sending you a gift...
posted by jmevius at 6:31 PM on November 19, 2007

Take the two donuts and an eclair, FFS.

Funniest thing I've read in ages :)
posted by DrtyBlvd at 12:49 AM on November 20, 2007

Less romantic the better--make it more sexy than anything else. Alcohol will do the trick over flowers.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:39 AM on November 20, 2007

Send her something to drink with a parrot on the label. Tell her it's named "poly."
posted by wzcx at 8:24 AM on November 20, 2007

Definite no on the flowers. It wouldn't be creepy necessarily but definitely weird.

So instead I say send an actual card in the mail. Two reasons: First, everyone loves getting actual mail. It's a small, unexpected pleasantry that most people really enjoy. Second, unlike with email, there is no expectation of instant response. So if she doesn't want to respond to your card it's really not a big deal.

Don't send a pre-printed Thank You card, just a blank note card with a handwritten message inside. You can keep the actual text casual, mediareport's suggestion of "we just wanted to let you know we had a great time the other night and hope you did, too. Thanks for being so cool with everything, and feel free to call if you want to hang out again. We'll do the same." would be just fine.

This gesture, which is ever so slightly pitching woo, would also give her time/space to decide how she wants to respond and decide if/when she wants to participate in this activity again.
posted by mjones at 11:33 AM on November 22, 2007