Comments on: Dying has a way of making family gatherings kind of awkward

Question: Dying has a way of making family gatherings kind of awkward

Weebot — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:23:44 -0800

I'm spending my Thanksgiving in Malaysia, visiting my one of my aunts, along with others in my extended family. I'm almost certain that this will be the last time I'll ever see her.

About two weeks ago my family learned that my aunt has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It's beyond treatment, not that treatment is that much of an option for pancreatic cancer. She's not bedridden and well enough now to travel, but we're unsure how long she has since she's being coy with the prognosis. We do know that it wasn't caught early—she was diagnosised with cancer after being hospitalized for jaundice—and some of the more medically-inclined members of the family don't sound too optimistic. They're talking in terms of weeks and months.

So I'm flying out tonight with another one of my mother's sisters to spend a week there. I'm not exactly sure what I'm suppose to do there. It's not exactly a social situation for which I'm equipped to navigate. It's certainly not going to be a happy reunion.

So Hivemind, I'm looking for advice about what to do, things that I/we should do, things that I/we should be avoid, and maybe a story or two.

By: HuronBob

HuronBob — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 18:16:04 -0800

I wish you the best in this...it will be difficult..

Be loving... have fun... share thoughts and feelings...

Deal with the illness at the level that she is comfortable, it doesn't sound like it is your mission to help her with that...

not much of an answer, I know... the "loving" part is probably the most important for both you and her...

By: 26.2

26.2 — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 18:17:58 -0800

Mostly, you comfort her and your family. You also allow yourself to be comforted.

You'll find it's easier than you anticipate. She may have specific plans. If so, go with it. Otherwise, reminisce and tell her how much she means to you. Many people in your aunt's condition will want to hear about the future; others don't. You'll need to see what her wishes are.

I'm sorry your family is facing such a difficult time.

By: Verdandi

Verdandi — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 18:58:27 -0800

If she has done something for you, anything at all that you've never thanked her for, thank her for it. Tell her you love her and spend time learning things about her that you might not know.

As shitty as it is, at least you have time to say goodbye. With the many losses in my family, that's one thing I regret.

By: jpdoane

jpdoane — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 19:33:39 -0800

I'm assuming that you have grown up in America, and your Aunt is Malaysian.

I would think that what is healthy/appropriate in these sort of situations is highly culturally specific. It might be helpful to ask this question of friends and family that might be more familiar with Asian/Malaysian culture.

Maybe there are Mefites out there that could answer from an Asian perspective.

By: Weebot

Weebot — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 19:47:37 -0800

jpdoane: Yeah, you're right about that. Most of the family is pretty secular, but I do know that my aunt is a devout Buddhist, if that's of any relevance.

By: Neonshock

Neonshock — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 04:18:22 -0800

dictaphone?
Maybe getting her to tell you some stories which you can take down would be cool, especially things about her and your mother growing up, I love to hear those things from my aunt's and uncles.

Maybe seeing if theres somewhere she would like to go, bring a picnic, just chill out and enjoy somewhere your aunt holds dear all together.

Ask her the recipie for her ____ you always loved, get her to show you how to make it just right?
t week, I hope it isnt too painful.
Bring her loads of pictures of you, (sig other? children?) and take lots of pictures too.

Sorry if this seems...the wrong thing to do, Ive never been in a situation like yours. Good luck with that week.

By: dilettante

dilettante — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 08:22:51 -0800

Be aware that she probably won't want much to eat - just in case you were thinking of taking food items as gifts or having a big meal. The disease messes with digestion. She may still appreciate the thought, but don't be hurt if she she doesn't eat.

If they're giving her morphine, her emotional reactions may be somewhat dulled, and if she's new to it, she may be a little ... relaxed about what she says.

She may find hugging painful (be careful about pressing or tapping her back), and she may get tired very easily.

The best thing to take is just yourself, to be with her. You'll have to let her condition, mentally and physically, determine most of it. You may find yourself sitting around with the other relatives while your aunt tries to rest.

My mom died of pancreatic cancer - 2 and a half years after they found it while looking for the cause of the sudden jaundice, and that was over 6 months from when she first got really sick. Her initial prognosis had been bad enough that she was immediately put in Hospice. But she was very young.