Is this performance anxiety or a pacing problem?

November 13, 2007 9:05 PM

(mnsfw) Is this performance anxiety or a pacing problem?

So, not having had much experience, and unable to find this answer in books...
I get hard at the very beginning of foreplay, the kissing part. But twenty minutes or more minutes later, when she's ready to go, I'm not anymore. Since my penis apparently got bored and went back home. Which I don't know if I should be embarrassed about or not, is that normal? Then I get a little weirded out by my unresponsiveness. I've compensated for this by going down on her, and have read a book on that, and have gotten some extremely positive feedback from her, but I'd like figure out what to do to get myself back up and get a condom on. I'm much more used to masturbating, where I think sexy thoughts, and two minutes later take a nap, but this is a lot more fun.

posted by anonymous to human relations (9 comments total)

normal. your erection is maintained not only by thinking those happy thoughts but by having physical stimulation of it. It sounds like all the attention on her (and good for her and you) have left you out a bit. You certainly can request some attention from her or if you are going down on her its pretty easy to be pantless and grind a bit on the sheets while pleasing her...the friction there will certainly keep things on the up and up and she won't be the wiser.

Good luck
posted by mmascolino at 9:18 PM on November 13, 2007

Hmmmm...I know as I've gotten older, this does happen to me, and it isn't a big deal - I always regain my erection with a helping hand (or other body part) from Ms. baby shoes. So, the way your post is worded leaves me with a delicate question...it sounds like you're doing a lot for her during foreplay - which is great and I wholly commend you and please keep doing it - but the question leaves me feeling that perhaps she could be lending you a hand? It feels like you've taken complete responsibility for getting her ready, and then burdened yourself with the thought/expectation that you must be instantly prepped when she is. Foreplay is about getting both partners hot.

I may have misinterpreted your question, and this isn't the problem...but I want to encourage you to enjoy foreplay as something for both of you. Ask her to do things to help you be ready. Play, experiment, enjoy. Also, relax...worrying about this is not going to be good.
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:20 PM on November 13, 2007

Neither. Once you're out of high school it's pretty normal to need more than simple proximity to a naked woman to maintain an erection. It sounds like she isn't being as considerate to your needs as you are to hers. Is she averse to oral reciprocation?
posted by chundo at 9:57 PM on November 13, 2007

Yes, normal. If you're both enjoying it, and she's ready for intercourse but you're not, there's nothing wrong with asking her for a hand. If you keep going down on her, she's got no reason to think you're worried about this.
posted by twirlypen at 11:03 PM on November 13, 2007

Totally normal. Erections come and go, sometimes quite inconveniently, and needing physical stimulation is a normal part of the process. It sounds like what you are doing is great for her; all you need to do is add something that works for you. When you've given her enough oral, you could switch to 69, or you can lay back and she can use her hands and/or mouth, or while you are giving her oral you can reach down and touch yourself -- once hard, you pop on that condom, kiss your way up her stomach and there you are.
posted by Forktine at 1:44 AM on November 14, 2007

Also -- unless this was just a one-night stand, I would suggest stopping the masturbation until you get the intercourse sorted out. You need to retrain your body to get used to a different pattern of stimulus and arousal; as long as you are jerking off twice a day, this may not happen. (And yes, don't be surprised if in the learning process you have some premature ejaculation issues a time or two, as well -- you are looking for a balance point, and it doesn't always come naturally, so to speak.)
posted by Forktine at 2:47 AM on November 14, 2007

69?
posted by JJ86 at 5:53 AM on November 14, 2007

You're gonna go limp after a while. Totally normal. Stop trying to be so great in bed and start asking for something for yourself. You don't have to be perfect to be a great sexual partner.

Its impossible to be perfect in bed and trying can make life difficult for you. The more you can laugh about these things the better. A little joke when you go soft after that length of time will usually bring a patter to her heart, I've found.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:18 AM on November 14, 2007

There is nothing for you to be embarrassed about if you lose it after 20 minutes of foreplay, it takes two to tango and she should be helping you get ready to dance while you do the same for her.
posted by BobbyDigital at 8:30 AM on November 14, 2007