Soliciting friends

November 12, 2007 9:59 AM

Is it appropriate for my daughter to send a letter to our family friends soliciting donations to the non-profit she works for?

My wife and I are in our 60's and my daughter is in her 30's. We live in different parts of the country. She is the executive director for a (deserving) nonprofit that is on the rocks. She recently sent us a note requesting the addresses of several of our long time family friends so she can solicit contributions from them. We are feeling uneasy about this, should we be? What are the proprieties?

posted by retiree to human relations (29 comments total)

While your friends are all adults and can make their own decisions about whether to support your daughter's non-profit I'd personally steer clear of this. If she doesn't know them well enough to have their home addresses (not on a holiday card list? never visits? never sent a thnak you card?) it seems a little bit cold-callish to send a letter hitting them up for cash. Add to this that there is the slim possibility that she could say "Mom and Dad gave me your address..." which might imply more approval for her fundraising than you might otherwise have.

That said, I fall well towards the "hell no" side of things with regards to people hitting me up for money for good causes. I give to charities I select and am annoyed at people who try to imply through whatever mechanism that perhaps I ahven't thought things through carefully enough. Maybe this can be an opportunity for you to talk with your daughter about what's going on with the organization so that she has to resort to this slightly unorthodox fundraising angle just to make ends meet.

Again, I feel that this is an issue with many gray areas so while it's not something that I would personally do, I think you could do it and not be being terribly unethical. However if you feel uneasy about it, I would suggest not doing it on that basis alone.
posted by jessamyn at 10:10 AM on November 12, 2007

Is she planning to send each of them a personal, handwritten note on her personal stationery telling them what she has been doing lately and updating them on her life, mentioning only briefly that her organization is seeking support? Does she plan to continue this correspondence even if the family friends decline to open their checkbooks? If so, you may give her the addresses of your friends to allow her to correspond with them. If, however, she wants to add them to a bulk solicitation list at work, you should not help her do that, as sending people unsolicited junk mail, even for a worthy cause, is rude.
posted by decathecting at 10:11 AM on November 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'd say yes, but ONLY if the way she goes about it accomplishes these three things:
a) does not directly ask for donation. This interaction might be more successful if the objective was more personal and geared towards sharing information with family friends. They can decide if they want to pursue the cause with their money or interest IF THEY WANT TO.
b) Makes it clear that they won't be contacted again, unless they request it.
c) Makes the cause clear and most important. What it sounds like to me here is that the "cause" is saving your daughters non-profit, not raising awareness or curing disease or whatever it is your daughter does. People can smell the difference.

Also, from the many fundraising events I've done in the past and the causes I've swam, run and partied for, I've learned one majorly disappointing truth: the closer people are to you, the less they will donate. It's just the way it is. Family and friends always feel obligated, and they rarely come through. Strangers will write the big checks. I would hear all the excuses from my close friends and family members (money is tight, you know I just bought x,y,z, etc.), but I would receive heartwarming letters and big donations and support cheers from people I barely knew. It really blew me away.

But all that aside, if you're not comfortable with the idea, just say no. Trust your intuition.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:11 AM on November 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is it appropriate for my daughter to send a letter to our family friends soliciting donations to the non-profit she works for?

No.
posted by ascullion at 10:12 AM on November 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

How well does she know these people? Are the contacts solely yours, or hers too? If these friends know her, then it's her own mature relationship with them she's putting on the line by doing this, and shouldn't reflect on you at all. If she's the executive director, she must know what she's doing. If I was in your shoes, I'd agree to it this once, with reservations.

If you're not comfortable, ask to see the materials she's going to be sending them. Or ask if you can include a personal note with her request explaining that you don't normally do this, but you wanted to support your daughter, and apologize if the gesture is poorly received. Or you could distance yourself from the endeavor entirely, and tell her to use her best judgment.

Or you could just say no.
posted by hermitosis at 10:13 AM on November 12, 2007

No.

I think it's extremely ill-bred to solicit funds from friends. People feel awkward about refusing (which is of course the point!) and it edges really close to emotional blackmail.

But of course I'm curmudgeonly and don't even approve of the explosion of "Sponsor my child/pet hamster/husband as they walk 5k/run a mile on their wheel/swim the Channel for field trip money/emergency carrot fund/polio" that has become so common.

Now, if she came to a family gathering and in the course of talking with these people, happened to mention that she worked for nonprofit X, and these people asked how they could become involved, that's something else. But her proposed course of action is tacky.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:15 AM on November 12, 2007

No.

It is fine if she mentions the work she is doing for Nonprofit X as part of a holiday letter or general update. That way they can donate if they so desire.

It is also appropriate to say, "Instead of a birthday or holiday present please donate in my name to Nonprofit X."

Otherwise - being hit up for donations, no matter how nicely, from family and friends is incredibly goddamn annoying. I cannot stress this enough.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:19 AM on November 12, 2007

It's impolite to give out other people's contact details to anyone at all, unless you ask first whether you may, or unless you're utterly certain that the contact would be appreciated.

If a friend of mine gave my contact details to a third party for marketing or donation-soliciting purposes, I don't believe they would be my friend for much longer.

If a friend, as part of our ongoing friendship, wrote me a nice letter updating me on their family's activities, happening to mention their daughter, her cause and its difficulties - that would just be friendly. I'd be pleased to be kept up to date.
posted by emilyw at 10:22 AM on November 12, 2007

Kinda sketchy...but she's old enough to decide for herself?

Or, well I'd only send her the addresses of the old family and friends that she currently has personal relationships with. Otherwise, she's sort of asking to give her the addresses of YOUR personal friends...
posted by albatross5000 at 10:28 AM on November 12, 2007

I wouldn't give her the addresses of my friends, just because it's very rude to give out someone else's contact information without getting an okay first.

However, I'd probably feel comfortable sending out a personal note to my friends saying something like, "I'm not sure if many of you know that my daughter, X, has been involved in running Charity Y for the past 3 years. Since I know some of you are interested in this cause, I thought I'd pass along her organization's name in case you're interested in getting involved with an organization that always welcomes more support (and needless to say is a very well-run charity!). Otherwise, I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season, and I'll see you in January at our annual Superbowl party. Take care."

It is possible that your daughter's nonprofit works in an area that your friends are interested in, and I know that I'd feel more comfortable donating to an organization that I had reason to know was using my donation well--that is, an organization run by a family member of a close friend that I trusted. If you go this route, though, make sure you're just passing along information, and not asking your friends to contact you back--that way it's clear that they can do something or nothing with the info and it won't affect your relationship with them.
posted by iminurmefi at 10:32 AM on November 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

If she doesn't know the people well enough to ask them in person, then she doesn't know them well enough to ask them.
posted by Rabulah at 10:34 AM on November 12, 2007

No -- in addition to the reasons pointed out above, it's not very good fundraising policy. The risk is not worth the reward -- unless you have hundreds of wealthy friends, it is doubtful that any donations from your friends will make enough of a difference to justify this breach of social etiquette.
posted by desuetude at 10:35 AM on November 12, 2007

I agree with the others who said that it is only appropriate if she just plans on sending them a personal note that mentions that she works for that nonprofit. Otherwise it would be very rude of her to solicit them and if your friends find out it was you who shared their information, they could be upset. It's almost the equivalent of signing someone up for an email or mailing list without their permission.
posted by fructose at 10:39 AM on November 12, 2007

There are millions of other people she could be sending letters to, why to people you know? She should be soliciting her board of trustees for their friends addresses if she wants to send out appeals.
posted by 45moore45 at 10:41 AM on November 12, 2007

I'd just like to add to my response above that I sympathize with your tough situation. While I agree with most of the above posters that it *is* rude to give out your friends' addresses so that she can solicit donations from them, I think that it may drive a wedge in your relationship with your daughter to just say "no," even if saying yes is rude to your friends. In my experience, people rarely react well to being told no after asking for help, and are even more apt to get angry when the reason given is etiquette or manners. (The implication being that you couldn't possible trust her to act properly when contacting your friends--which, whether or not it's true, is probably not something you need to tell your daughter.)

So, given that you're trapped in a tough spot, not wanting to either piss off your friends by subjecting them to (in the best case) a handwritten note asking for a donation that makes them feel uncomfortable or (in the worst case) a spam-like solicitation list, and also not wanting to tell your daughter that you're unwilling to help save her job by giving her a couple of addresses, I think your options are to either:

1. Tell your daughter no in the most gentle way possible, saying that you feel really uncomfortable giving her the addresses since it's a big breach of etiquette (however, you have to expect that she may be quite angry that you'd put etiquette above helping her save her job), or

2. Offer to pass along her organization's information or solicit on her behalf (which may make your friends a bit uncomfortable, but at least you control how intrusive or obvious the pitch is).

The second is less than ideal, and potentially even skirting the bounds of propriety, but I think it's probably your best option to preserve your relationship with everyone intact.
posted by iminurmefi at 11:23 AM on November 12, 2007

No.
posted by Dr.Pill at 11:27 AM on November 12, 2007

I would hear all the excuses from my close friends and family members (money is tight, you know I just bought x,y,z, etc.), but I would receive heartwarming letters and big donations and support cheers from people I barely knew. It really blew me away.

I'm guessing because if you support one member of the family with a big check, then every time another member of the family needs sponsoring, you'd have to cough up the same amount of money or be accused of playing favorites. Whereas a stranger can afford to give a large amount to a charity they would like to support without worrying about mixing family and money.

Nthing not giving the addresses to your daughter.
posted by happyturtle at 11:32 AM on November 12, 2007

No. Also, it's shitty of you as a friend to give out your friends' addresses to anyone (even your daughter) without checking with them first. Plus, once you get on a charity's mailing list, you're on there forever. That's also shitty do to do someone, placing them on a perma-junk-mail list.

If you want, you could send your friends an email saying "Hey, Jennifer is working for the Cancer Society now, so if anyone already donates to them or is interested in donating, you can do it through her. Just let me know." That way the ball is in their court, and no addresses have been giving out without their consent.

I think that it may drive a wedge in your relationship with your daughter to just say "no," even if saying yes is rude to your friends

It shouldn't; the daughter's request is a rude one, and if she doesn't learn this, she's going to alienate everyone she knows with her inappropriate solicitations.
posted by boomchicka at 11:41 AM on November 12, 2007

I have to say one thing here that just doesn't quite add up for me. She wants their physical mailing addresses... but can't just look them up? Is her knowledge and contact with these people so tenuous that she doesn't know their full names and the cities they live in?

Personally I'd say no.. to the addresses. I'd offer her their phone numbers. If she's not comfortable enough calling them up and having a personal conversation - at least enough of one to get their addresses - then she shouldn't be contacting them. If she uses those numbers to then reverse directory their addresses, well, that's beyond your control.

I think you can reasonably - and non-confrontationally - play a little dumb without outright lying to your daughter by saying, gosh, I don't think I have an up-to-date address for them or it's a little smudged and you're not sure if that's a 3 or an 8 - why don't you call them? You get to keep the peace somewhat with your daughter and put her in a position where her contact with them needs to be a little more intimate and personal than a solicitation letter.
posted by phearlez at 11:46 AM on November 12, 2007

This is the most base level of marketing there is and is how MLMs make their money. It's a bad practice.
posted by 517 at 12:10 PM on November 12, 2007

No.

I think it's extremely ill-bred to solicit funds from friends.

agreed.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:11 PM on November 12, 2007

Who else would she be approaching?
If your friends come up amongst those... then she shouldn't need your help in contacting them.
(I'd suggest it was in bad taste if You were doing it... Tell her to 'pester' her own friends! Those ones are yours :) )
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 12:35 PM on November 12, 2007

I've learned one majorly disappointing truth: the closer people are to you, the less they will donate. It's just the way it is.

That's because it's an abuse of your relationship and the closer people are to you the more resentful they feel. Hitting up people you're close to is a majorly shitty thing to do. The only exception is when someone's daughter is selling thin mint cookies.

Don't give your daughter the addresses unless you want your friends to resent you and your daughter.
posted by 6550 at 1:32 PM on November 12, 2007

Whether it's appropriate or not for her to contact these people -- you feel uncomfortable about giving her their addresses. That's reason enough to say no.
posted by wryly at 1:55 PM on November 12, 2007

Jeez - Americans are so uptight about money

Of course you need to decide for yourself what is appropriate, but consider that you have an opportunity to connect people who have resources to a great organization that needs money. As long as your daughter approaches the asks tactfully, there is no reason why this should be uncomfortable for anyone. I recommend telling your daughter your concerns, and asking her her thoughts, how she plans to approach people, etc.

Giving people an opportunity to contribute to something they beleive in and would feel connected to is not a bad thing.
posted by jpdoane at 2:02 PM on November 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

It is also appropriate to say, "Instead of a birthday or holiday present please donate in my name to Nonprofit X."

No, it's not.

You might, just barely, manage to swing that if they were people who were already inclined to give you gifts and were, in fact, asking you what you wanted (though even then, telling someone who wants to give *you* a gift, to just give cash to some charity is not really good etiquette, it's just one of those lame things people get away with because so many other people have done it). If they are people who do not habitually give you gifts (ie, people whose addresses she's apparently never used to send thank you notes, or she'd know where she lived), there's no part of 'in lieu of gifts' that doesn't say 'I'm begging for money for my charity and guilting you into it by pretending we have a social relationship that warrents gifts.'
posted by jacquilynne at 2:37 PM on November 12, 2007

you have an opportunity to connect people who have resources to a great organization that needs money

But it's up to those people to decide whether they want to be connected to this organization. Like I said in my post above, once your name is given to a charity or organization's mailing and telephone list, it will be on there forever. Signing someone up for a lifetime of unwanted solicitation is shitty. Blaming it on what country the asker is in is ridiculous.
posted by boomchicka at 2:54 PM on November 12, 2007

If she's under 15, yes.

Otherwise, nope. Maybe in your Christmas letter you could mention her continuing efforts and quote either the non-profit's web site or her personal email, without suggesting they donate.

This could be a pretty awkward position for you (and her) to put your friends in. You could keep a few of her cards (or pamphlets) around and if people ask, offer them, but otherwise you're overstepping the bounds of friendship.
posted by arnicae at 2:57 PM on November 12, 2007

iminurmefi: I wouldn't give her the addresses of my friends, just because it's very rude to give out someone else's contact information without getting an okay first.

Nthing this. I volunteer with a non-profit, and our privacy policy is that if someone (call them A) asks for the contact information for a member--address, phone number, e-mail, whatever--we get A's contact info and pass that along to the member. Then it's up to them to decide whether they want to contact A or not.
posted by russilwvong at 3:55 PM on November 12, 2007 [1 favorite]