Help get me off my fat ass

November 10, 2007 2:31 PM

The thought of going to the gym makes me cry.

I'm not exaggerating. Every day I think "tomorrow's the day I'm going to start going to the gym regularly," and every day, when I think about going, I tear up. That's how badly I don't want to go.

I was a gym rat for several years. I went 6 times a week, some times more than once a day. But a couple of years ago, due to a series of injuries and a couple of minor operations, I fell out of the habit of going regularly. I stopped going completely about 6 weeks ago. I made it to a Spin class and a sculpt class this past Monday night. It felt good, and I was pretty proud of myself afterwards. But sure enough, the next day, the very idea of going back sent me into something like a panic. I know if I get there and work out, I'll enjoy it, but even with this foresight I'm practically paralyzed.

There have been a lot of questions on AskMefi about finding the motivation to exercise or developing a routine, but it seems like more is going on here. I'm not depressed. I am bipolar, but my medication is working great, and really this is just about the only area that's causing me any emotional pain. I'm wondering if there's something I'm missing. My only theory is that it's because I was in such great shape previously - even people at the gym would comment - and now I've gained some weight and I don't feel as confident.

Would cognitive behavioral therapy help?

posted by Evangeline to health & fitness (39 comments total)

Would cognitive behavioral therapy help?

One would think most definitely, since there is something very real, albeit irrational, at the heart of your aversion. You also are clearly in possession of an articulate and insightful psyche, so it would be likely that you would thrive in CBT.

FWIW, I always tell people averse to showing themselves in the gym that when I (and I assume most others) see an out of shape or overweight person in the gym all I can think is "way to go" and never anything even remotely derisive or condescending.
posted by docpops at 2:46 PM on November 10, 2007

Have you thought about briefly hiring a personal trainer to obligate your showing up?
posted by docpops at 2:47 PM on November 10, 2007

You're naturally gorgeous. You know it wouldn't take long for you to get back to where you used to be with respect to physical appearance.

What is it that makes you not want to go? Embarassed to be in front of other people? If that's the case, how about making friends with someone wealthy who has a private gym inside their own house that they would let you use for a couple of months? Once you get your shape back to where you're comfortable working out in a shared gym, you can go back to whatever gym is most convenient for you.

You can do it.
posted by dossy at 2:47 PM on November 10, 2007

Could you try exercising somewhere that isn't the gym? Running, biking, bodyweight strength exercises at home, etc. might be possibilities. Once you have been doing other things for a bit, maybe you'll feel more in shape and ready to go to gym.
posted by ssg at 2:56 PM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. I know how hard it can be to walk in the gym and feel like people are watching you. If it's not fun, you shouldn't do it. It's not a competition!

Give yourself a reward system that will give you something to look forward to. For me, it is the sauna/steam room/whirlpool after working out. Especially when it's cold outside, I will force myself to do an hour of conditioning or cardio if I know afterwards I can zone out and melt myself into a steamy puddle. What is it that you enjoy? Maybe you should try something new, like water aerobics or swimming. Maybe you can go with a friend and agree that this will be an hour a week or whatever that you hang out, work out and catch up.

If you build it up in your head you're going to lend it more and more emotional significance. And like you say, once you start working out you'll be glad you went.
posted by SassHat at 2:57 PM on November 10, 2007

Thanks guys.

I've had a personal trainer for about 2 years. Love him to death. He's very motivating when I'm actually AT the gym, and he's fun. Yet still, I can't seem to make it. I'm generally very good at keeping appointments, but I find myself canceling our sessions over and over.

I'm still at a pretty healthy weight, my blood pressure is normal, and my doctor told me I have a genetic condition whereby my good cholesterol is twice the normal amount and my bad cholesterol is half the normal amount. But I'm getting older, and I need to make sure my muscles and bones are in good shape. Then of course, there's vanity.

I think if I had space for a home gym I could get back in shape pretty quickly. I don't believe I have agoraphobia. I actually LIKE being around people. The only thing that depresses me about the gym itself is, believe it or not, the lighting. I'm very sensitive to shades of lighting.

Really, my reaction is completely out of proportion, and I think it's become self-perpetuating.

I feel guilty every time I miss a day, and I've come up with a very negative justification. I think, "Who cares what I look like? I'm healthy enough, I'm married, I'm almost 40, I'm not a stripper - what will a few extra pounds hurt?" This is so antithetical to the way I once thought that it's disturbing.
posted by Evangeline at 3:09 PM on November 10, 2007

I hired a personal trainer who came to my house. I haven't cancelled one session. We didn't need much space and use weights and resistance bands.

I have to say I understand how you feel, I belong to a gym as well, and if something is going wrong in my life, I have a really hard time going. But - I have still kept up the personal training.
posted by hazyspring at 3:12 PM on November 10, 2007

I can understand your feelings about you looks and how other people perceive you, but you've got absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about regarding your looks. For a woman who is almost 40, you really look absolutely gorgeous. Also, I'm pretty sure that most people at the gym to some extent feel like you do, so you're really not alone.

Maybe you could talk to your personal trainer about wanting to exercise outside the gym for a while. I'm pretty sure he could give you a program that's as effective and fun as going to the gym.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:22 PM on November 10, 2007

The only thing that depresses me about the gym itself is, believe it or not, the lighting.

As someone who starts getting homicidal if I'm around fluorescent lights too long, I sympathize. Would it be possible to find a new gym, maybe one with more windows and natural lighting?

Or, really, why not get some weights and work out at home?
posted by occhiblu at 3:48 PM on November 10, 2007

My equinox has lots of natural light, so there is some hope there.

Perhaps you could work out with a friend.
posted by shothotbot at 4:08 PM on November 10, 2007

Try this: throw some workout clothes in the trunk of your car. Then, on an impulse, on any given day and at any given time, make your move and get into the gym. Allow for as little time to talk yourself out of it as possible. Too much thinking may very well be the problem.

I sometimes have to do the "shut up, you're going to the gym, end of discussion" routine on myself. From that point, it's all execution and no thought.
posted by JaySunSee at 4:09 PM on November 10, 2007

Seconding ssg. I've got no problem showing up four days a week for weights, but the thought of cardio in the gym makes me twitch.
A friend of mine got me into five-a-side football a little over a year ago though, and it's been awesome...I finally have a 'cardio' activity that doesn't drive me nuts. Skinning your knees on astro-turf might not be the ideal solution here, but could you run outside instead of on a treadmill, or take a bike out instead of hitting the spin class? The light would be better, at least.
posted by Kreiger at 4:24 PM on November 10, 2007

All great suggestions - thanks everyone.

One thing - I'm in Brooklyn, and I don't have a car, so I'm limited when it comes to picking a gym. My gym is around the corner from me, which is its main appeal - I can go there as soon as it opens at 6:30 am.

I sometimes have to do the "shut up, you're going to the gym, end of discussion" routine on myself.

Yep. I've done that a lot, and you're right that "too much thinking may very well be the problem". Sometimes I put my gym clothes on the couch right inside my apartment door so that when I come home from work I can throw them on and turn right around again. For some reason that tactic doesn't work quite as well as it once did.

I think I'll make a couple of appointments with my trainer this coming week. Maybe that will help me get back in the habit. Maybe I'll buy some new gym clothes to help motivate me.

If it keeps up, I'm going to look into therapy.
posted by Evangeline at 4:37 PM on November 10, 2007

Based on my personal experiences, this is my guess at what's happening here and my recommendations as to what to do about it. A huge DISCLAIMER: all these suggestions must be taken with a grain of huge salt, since I am not a paragon of self-control or self-understanding, nor do I always exercise when I should! So I'm hardly out of the boat. But these are some of the lessons I think I've learned.

You're actually very ambivalent about whether going to the gym is worth it at all. There's a part of you that may be able to recite the benefits of going (health, vanity, etc.), but there's another part of you that dreads some part of the process, or perhaps what the process represents.

Now, your task should not be (indeed, cannot be -- i.e. because it would not be successful) to "convince yourself." That is a futile endeavor, because "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still." No, what you need to do is to create the conditions where you can clearly examine whether or not going to the gym is worth it for you, and/or see clearly what is holding you back.

So first you have to give up the goal of necessarily going to the gym. Agree with yourself that you are not going until you clearly understand why you should go, and what your reservations are. This should give your mind some relief from the constant battle, and result in a greater ability to focus.

Second, you need to think of yourself as a troubleshooter, investigating your mental environment for the source of this problem. Carefully monitor your thinking re: the gym. See if you can spot (and here's where a little bit of CBT theory can help) any stray thoughts that indicate negativity around the gym or anything connected to it, and see if you can carefully and logically examine those thoughts to see if they are true. If they are true, see if you can figure out a way to mitigate the effects. For example, if the thought is that people may laugh at you, ask yourself whether you see people laughing at others -- whether this is a common phenomenon. Or ask whether some people might not respect you a great deal for your determination. And so on. It's kind of an internal dialogue you need to hold, where you need to address every fear and desire, including the ones that are irrational and/or hard to verbalize. Perhaps you might even address fears that you don't "feel" but that you perhaps think are underlying your thinking anyhow -- you know, read between the lines.

And reasoning may not be enough. Action may be required. If you wonder whether or not the exercise may be worth it, perhaps think back to when you were a gym rat and remember how good it was back then. Or look through a fitness magazine (or maybe that would make you feel worse!). And reflect. Or perhaps read about people who really enjoy exercise and why they do. Or think about how this might help your love life, your family relations, your ability to do a sport you love and have forgotten, etc. What kind of information or activities motivate you might not be obvious. It might need to be discovered through trial and error, rather than through armchair analysis.

It may also be that you lack motivation to go to the gym because some entirely other area of your life is being neglected -- and perhaps if that area got attention, you would be more motivated to gym-go. Who knows? You need to gently, carefully troubleshoot your mind, like a scientist, prodding and poking till you find the issue and address it.

My metaphor is that we are all navigating a kind of "mental environment," with its own only somewhat predictable weather and natural disaster patterns. Some of these are controllable, others avoidable, and some must just be weathered through. So be prepared for a lack of immediate success.
posted by shivohum at 4:44 PM on November 10, 2007 [8 favorites]

Relax. You don't need to go to the gym six times a week again, especially if you dread it.

When it comes to exercise, anything is better than nothing. It helps if you exercise for even just five minutes once a week, so why not set five minutes a week as your goal for a while? At least until you get back into the swing of things.

I recommend you temporarily reduce your expectations. This includes not just what you expect from yourself in the gym, but also how you look too.
posted by springo at 4:53 PM on November 10, 2007

You know, this question has elicited some of the most helpful responses I've ever gotten on AskMefi. Really, I'm grateful to all of you, and I think that I've learned some things about myself in this short period of time.

Suddenly I had a revelation. One reason I don't want to go to the gym is because I'm afraid it won't make a difference.
posted by Evangeline at 4:53 PM on November 10, 2007

What difference does it need to make?
posted by occhiblu at 4:57 PM on November 10, 2007

If you enjoy reading & music , take book and ipod while working out. It helped me a lot
posted by tom123 at 5:01 PM on November 10, 2007

What difference does it need to make?

I want to look better. I want to fit into the jeans I wore two summers ago. I'd like more energy.
posted by Evangeline at 5:03 PM on November 10, 2007

One reason I don't want to go to the gym is because I'm afraid it won't make a difference.

I personally find that if I change my focus from "going to the gym to look a certain way" to "going to the gym to achieve a certain physical goal", I have a lot more fun and am far more motivated. Anything from deadlifting twice your body weight to running 5K to achieving some complicated yoga pose, whatever might motivate you that isn't directly tied to your appearance. Perhaps it is time to mix things up.
posted by ch1x0r at 5:06 PM on November 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

One reason I don't want to go to the gym is because I'm afraid it won't make a difference.

I'm not buying this. You've had experience with results at the gym, so you know it does.

If you hate the light, walk around the block ten times at 6:30 AM. If you don't want to invest money into something which won't make a difference, same as above.

If you really don't want to go, turn your focus to the way you eat. You'll fit into those jeans.
posted by Riverine at 5:16 PM on November 10, 2007

I'm not buying this. You've had experience with results at the gym, so you know it does.

Well, my goodness!

Actually, a couple of years ago I hit a plateau. I changed some things up, but it didn't seem to make a difference. After that, I didn't see any real progress. Then, as I mentioned in my original post, I had a series of injuries and operations that slowed me down.
posted by Evangeline at 5:28 PM on November 10, 2007

I'm not trying to make excuses here - I'm really not. It's in my best interest to get to the bottom of this.
posted by Evangeline at 5:30 PM on November 10, 2007

Evangeline, this is a bipolar thing.

Every once in awhile I used to get "stuck" not being able to make myself do a certain thing. Actually doing it wasn't that bad, but like you, trying to make myself do it WAS.

Please remember we have just had the time change (which does affect bipolars more than average folks) plus you have simply gotten out of your habit.

As to a solution, if you can find yourself some sort of "carrot" that will get you there for 21 days straight, it will be a habit again, and you'll be fine. If it takes chocolate, promise yourself chocolate. I'm serious.
posted by konolia at 5:45 PM on November 10, 2007

I found when I had gym-block myself that when I focused on the health benefits from working out, (instead of possibly being the fattest person there) it gave me determination to just get up and go.

Ultimately, the way it makes me feel physically was a much greater reward than slimming down. The ego boost from hearing people tell me I look great is just icing on the cake.

take care
posted by culberjo at 6:10 PM on November 10, 2007

Has your change in feeling about going to the gym corresponded in any way with any changes in your medication? Or any other significant changes in your life (other than the injuries/surgeries you mentioned)?
posted by DarkForest at 6:22 PM on November 10, 2007

DarkForest, my medication hasn't changed in a couple of years. I'm on Wellbutrin, Celexa and Lamictal. I haven't had any serious depressive episodes, but I did have a pretty extreme manic phase in the spring. What's interesting is that before I started taking the medication, I would work out like a fiend during my manic phases. I was obsessed. Besides going to the gym every day, on Saturdays I would go for 4 hours. I would take three different classes and then do an hour of cardio on my own.

So pretty much the only upside to my bipolar disorder was that I looked great. I was occasionally hallucinating rodents, but by god I looked good.

Now during my manic phases I spend a lot of money, drink too much and stay out too late. We should have changed my medication in the spring - my doctor had warned me that spring was the time to watch for signs of mania - but I was having too much fun, so I didn't tell him about the symptoms.

In general though, I have seen a gradual decrease in my motivation since beginning medication about 3 years ago, but it's never been this bad.
posted by Evangeline at 6:37 PM on November 10, 2007

In general though, I have seen a gradual decrease in my motivation since beginning medication about 3 years ago, but it's never been this bad.

Well, yes. You were manic, right? You're unlikely to feel the same "motivation" to go to extremes with the gym-going (or any other compulsive behavior) now that you're not manic. That's a good thing. Give yourself a bit of a break here.

When I first read your question, I actually wondered if you had had an eating disorder in the past; something seemed "off" in the way you described your past habits and vilified your current disinclination to go to the gym. Obviously, bipolar's not quite the same, but you might get something from this blog post I read recently about a woman trying to give up disordered exercise/eating routines and finding herself slipping back into them, mainly because the comments on it are supportive and wonderful.
posted by occhiblu at 6:52 PM on November 10, 2007

Thanks for the link, occhiblu.

I've never had an eating disorder. Yes, I realize that my mania was responsible for my earlier gym craziness. I'm not saying I want to go back to that level of activity. I certainly don't. But right now I can't even manage 1 day a week. I'm looking for a happy medium.
posted by Evangeline at 6:57 PM on November 10, 2007

Call your shrink.

I am not kidding, my meds were working fine and then all of a sudden I was in tears at the dentist's office. I couldn't face going back there, even though I had a bunch of follow up appointments and I was highly motivated to fix my teeth (I have a little girl to play role model for). I called my shrink and she prescribed Xanax to take before dental appointments. (This works better for dentists than for exercise, obviously, but it didn't knock me out too much). I only had to take it for the next two appointments or so to get my ass in the chair. I made it fine without for the subsequent appointments.
posted by crazycanuck at 6:58 PM on November 10, 2007

Does it have to be a gym? I found that I enjoyed exercise a LOT more when I was dancing. Still a great workout, but tons more fun.
posted by divabat at 8:03 PM on November 10, 2007

Perhaps wearing sunglasses would help with the light issue.

I hate going to the gym too--but I've realized regular exercise is something I need. I'm 50 pounds overweight and I find that leaving in the headphones as long as possible in the locker room while changing makes things a bit easier.
posted by brujita at 12:38 AM on November 11, 2007

Break it down into smaller tasks. Instead of telling yourself, 'I'm going to go to the gym and work out tomorrow' make the assignment 'I'm going to walk to the gym and then come home without working out.' When you can do that without panic, then try 'I'm going to walk to the gym, go inside, and use the sauna, but not work out.' When you have that established, then you can try adding working out in baby steps, such as 5 minutes on the treadmill.
posted by happyturtle at 2:17 AM on November 11, 2007

It does seem that your appearance is a big factor for you. For me, I find that it helps if I try to detach working out from that end of the equation. Instead, I try to focus on functionality: I am stronger, so it is easier to lift things. I have more endurance, so I can take the stairs and won't get out of breath. My body helps me accomplish things.

When I get to a point where my body feels functional, it becomes less of an object for me criticize.
posted by bassjump at 4:38 AM on November 11, 2007

I went through EXACTLY this last year. From 96 until 2004, I worked out 4-7 times a week and I actually LOVED it. But then I had a few injuries, and then I moved 300 miles away and I got out of the habit. I started trying to go again, but it became like pulling teeth. I started getting depressed and feeling uncomfortable in my body and I even though knew that going to the gym would help me to fix those things and I had a gym membership, I just couldn't make myself go. It was so weird since I always loved the gym before. But like you, I got really emotionally paralyzed about it.

I fought it for a while, but then I stopped and just accepted that I wasn't going to go. I tried other forms of exercise, but I just couldn't get myself to stick to them either. It was a big change for someone who used to take 5 yoga classes a week & be addicted to pilates. I'm not fat, but I'm definitely at the top weight of my life and without my exercise regimen I definitely don't feel as attractive as I used to.

Lately I've been really trying to change my life around and so I decided to finally use up some workout sessions with a trainer that I actually paid for a whole year ago. Funny thing being, when I went... I LOVED IT AGAIN. I suddenly just couldn't understand why I couldn't get myself to go before because I really enjoy exercise and can't wait to go again because it made me feel so good.

I've had to realize that even though I was in denial about it, I was just severely depressed for a while. I wish I had tried harder to get to the gym back then because I know it would've been really good for me and probably even lessened the depression, but when you're depressed you don't WANT to do what's good for you. Now that I'm over it, it's easy to recognize that something was definitely wrong.

So I would say yes, therapy might help you. This might not be about exercise. It might be about other things. But don't give up, don't stop trying to get yourself moving. Fortunately my weight didn't spiral too out of control when I stopped exercising, but I regret not making myself maintain the tone I used to have. Especially now that I'm older I've got a lot of extra work to do to get back to my old body at this point. I'm hoping I can do it, though.
posted by miss lynnster at 4:42 AM on November 11, 2007

I found watching TV shows while doing cardio helped motivate me. Mysteries more so than comedies, I went through several seasons of Inspector Morse on the treadmill. I kept going so I could see what happened at the end.

This works better at home than at the gym, I had a small tv/vcr setup. But now days with video iPods and other portable media players you can do the same thing.
posted by beowulf573 at 5:54 AM on November 11, 2007

Great answers, everyone.

When I was at my peak strength I was sooooo close to beating my husband at arm wrestling. Maybe I'll use that as my goal. It does feel good to be strong. I was working out extra hard at the time. I was playing Clytemnestra in a production of "The Oresteia", and I wanted it to look like I could kick ass. I also wanted to give Orestes a run for his money in the fight scene.

One day, many years ago, I looked in the mirror and said "that's it". I signed up for a gym membership the next day. I often make impulsive decisions, but even though they're made on an impulse, I do see my decisions through. So maybe it's only matter of time before I reach that place again.

Today I'm going to stay on the sofa under a pile of blankets, work on the crossword puzzle and maybe watch a few bad SciFi original movies. Tomorrow night there's a Spin class I'd like to take. I'm going to lay my gym clothes out tomorrow morning so they'll be ready for me when I get home. If I can do it, great. If not, I'm going to try to be a little easier on myself.
posted by Evangeline at 7:09 AM on November 11, 2007

Here are a few suggestions to consider -
- Try to shift your workouts outside. It's infinitely easier for me to walk or run in the park than on the treadmill.
- Join a class or a training group. Not just a "whoever shows up" spin/aerobics class. Join a scheduled class with a specific group of people.
- Find a goal that's not body specific: Run or walk a 5k, a charity cycle event, etc. Then you aren't constantly looking at your body for validation.
posted by 26.2 at 5:42 PM on November 11, 2007

Maybe you tear up because you don't think you will get into as good as shape as you were in before. You might be scared that after all your trying to get back in shape that if people don't give you compliments you will feel like you have failed. But if you have gotten into really good shape before there will be no problem doing it again. Maybe even easier because of your muscle memory!!
posted by kowboy at 9:11 AM on November 12, 2007 [1 favorite]