What don't I know about having twins?

November 6, 2007 6:13 AM

What do you wish you'd known about having twins?

My fiancee and I are having twin girls today--her third and fourth kids, but my first. I think I'm relatively well-prepared, as I came from a big family with lots of younger siblings, but I'm sure there are truckloads of stuff I don't know yet. What do you wish someone had told you, either about babies in general, or twins specifically?

posted by EarBucket to human relations (21 comments total)

Well, you're one step ahead already, as the mom has done this before. I don't have twins (I have two kids three years apart), but I remember the first six weeks of babyhood to be some of the hardest.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, during difficult times as well as good times, is "this too shall pass." It all goes so quickly. Just enjoy the good stuff and try not to lose your mind during the bad.

Congratulations!
posted by cooker girl at 6:57 AM on November 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

Not having twins myself, but knowing people who have, it's very important that you have a supportive network of friends and family. Those first few months are going to be exhausting and having help makes a difference.

Also: if you can possibly afford it, hire a housecleaning service to come in once or twice a month for the first six months. Budget too tight? Ask for a gift certificate for housecleaning for the holidays, or for your friends and family to come in and do some cleaning as a holiday gift.

Oh, and - congratulations!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:10 AM on November 6, 2007

First of all, Mazel Tov! My wife also has 4 kids, two are mine (ages 2,4) and 2 from her first marriage (13,11).

No twins though, as you can see. Still, what do I wish I knew? I wish I knew that the best time to go out to restaurants is right now, when they're newborns and relatively easy to handle. When they get older, they're a handful, and young kids play off each other, so you will have several handfuls. I also wish I had really known how much more work it is taking care of 2 small children at the same time, compared with one. Once the twins start walking, you will find yourself playing goaltender or shepherd more often than not, on those occasions when you venture out to the store, etc. with the whole crew.

Mostly I wish I knew how much fun kids are. And I wish I knew how hard it is to remember everything they do; my advice is to keep a pen and journal nearby to jot down any cute thing they say or do.
posted by Mister_A at 7:26 AM on November 6, 2007

Don't just get the same birthday present in different colors! (I am a twin who received a lot of blue gifts.)
posted by pwally at 7:27 AM on November 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am a twin. Here are some things that my parents did to make things easier:

- hope they are different sizes so you can do instant hand-me-downs
- color code - I was red, my sister was blue
- don't dress alike! (Well, we had the same coats in different colors.)

My parents didn't know they were having twins and it all worked out.
posted by k8t at 7:59 AM on November 6, 2007

All I can do is point you to a book that was written in part by one of my neighbors who had two sets of twins. I've not read it, but they're cool people and their kids turned out well.
posted by pwb503 at 8:10 AM on November 6, 2007

hey! congratulations! I am a mother of twins, boy and girl, age 3.5yrs and I can tell you that it will be difficult but so so much fun.

Make sure you synchronize the kids sleep and meal times and patterns. Unless there are special needs, you can actually do that by gently and gradually shifting their schedules to coincide. Diaper changes follow meal times, so they get synchronized automatically. The benefit is that you will have an hour of intense work but you will have another full hour to two of rest. You will need that.

If your fiancee plans to breast feed (which I suggest) rent a hospital-grade pump to express milk and save it for night feeds or other times when someone else but the mother can help. This is YOUR time!

Don't take the kids to your bed. We had one crib for both (yes, they can fit!) next to our bed which was moved out of our room by month 6. You then want to practice the technique where you let them cry a little before you pick them up.

Avoid referring to them as twins. They are individuals. Certainly do not dress them alike.

Spend some time with each separately. Twins grow up sharing attention which is a good thing but they also deserve a parent's full attention once in a while, like every other kid.

Remeber than for one year you will be basically a servant to their needs. Which leaves little quality time to spend with them (cuddling and cooing) but also with your spouce. Get any help that you can find. This is very important.

The first year was not very hard for me. The second year and especially the third were the hardest because they need attention continuously and don't nap as much.
posted by carmina at 8:12 AM on November 6, 2007

I don't have twins, but my mother-in-law Barbara Klein is an identical twin and an author of well-reviewed books on twins and gifted children.
posted by Scram at 8:44 AM on November 6, 2007

pre-edit: The most important thing is to TAKE PICTURES, or have someone do it for you, ALL THE TIME. You won't remember most of these first 6 months a few years from now due to sleep deprivation.

As a Dad of triplets, I can tell you that the most important thing is to get the kids on a feeding/changing/sleeping schedule where they're doing all of those things together.

Second, instead of stuffed animals, ask that people give diapers instead.

Third, have you wife join the local chapter of MOMS Club. The members of this organization are unbelievably supportive. (Need some dinners for this week? Done. Delivered. Heat-n-eat. Need some groceries from the store? Provide the list and some $ and stand back. etc. etc.)
posted by Wild_Eep at 9:11 AM on November 6, 2007

Avoid referring to them as twins. They are individuals. Certainly do not dress them alike.

Spend some time with each separately. Twins grow up sharing attention which is a good thing but they also deserve a parent's full attention once in a while, like every other kid.

As a twin myself -- I 'n^th.' this advice.

And try not to 'compare-and-contrast' the two. When they are ready for school ask that they have separate teachers and classes.
posted by ericb at 9:22 AM on November 6, 2007

While I have never had twins, my understanding is that they all have awesome, mindbending psychic powers. Twins are also masters of disguise. These skills will be used for skipping class, taking tests and dating multiple people simultaneously. If you and your wife divorce, they will meet at summer camp, swap and secretly conspire to get the two of you back together. All of this will confound you until the end of days.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 9:35 AM on November 6, 2007 [6 favorites]

I have very little credibility in this area, but a favorite factoid is that twins have a closer relationship to each other than either of them do to their mother. They may also invent a language of their own.
posted by rhizome at 9:47 AM on November 6, 2007

Our twin girls are 20 months old. A lot of good advice upthread - here's what I would add (I'm speaking only of the twins, obviously you'll have to adapt w/regards to the older kids):

- A regular doctor visit can be handled by one parent. For a doctor visit that involves shots, you need two. Make sure you put these vists on both your calendars.
- N'thing the advice to get them on the same schedule. Anything else is just constant chaos - and there's enough potential for chaos as it is!
- Let them sleep in the same room so they learn to sleep through each others' cries (very important!).
- Nursing both at the same time apparently works for some mothers, but it didn't for me. One would invariably move just as the other had gotten a good latch, and then the readjusting would ruin the other's latch etc. Nursing one at a time worked out much better for us. If you do nurse them together, I strongly recommend getting a twins nursing pillow.
- Our personal preference for a double stroller is the 'one in front of the other' kind, not side by side. The side-by-siders are too wide for many doorways, parking lots etc. The kids prefer them because they're even with each other and no one gets the coveted 'front seat', but the thinner ones are much easier for the parents, also because there's less room for bickering.
- Get two swings - don't try to make do with just one!
- Depending on how much alike they look, label pictures fairly early. It's amazing how similar babies look when you're looking at the pictures 6 months later.
- Assign one drawer/side of the closet to each kid so you always know whose clothes are whose. Transfer this system to other things, like diapers if your kids are different sizes (like ours were) - in other words, A's stuff is always on the right, B's on the left.
- N'thing the advice to treat them as individuals. We never really refer to our girls as twins - they're so different that we just think of them as sisters born the same day. We like to dress them similarly but not identically, though for dress-up occasions it's harder to get really nice outfits that look similar. I'd avoid always assigning a color to one twin, personally - it would get pretty boring for the kid, I would imagine. Though you will probably find that one will look better in a certain color than the other.
- As they get older, you will have to suck it up and get two of most things. We do make them share a few things, but kids younger than 3-4 are just too young to really get the concept of sharing.

I'll probably think of more later, but those are some basics to get you started. Having twins is really difficult, there's no way around it - but we are just starting to see the rewards as they are each other's best friend and love to play together. Congratulations and good luck!
posted by widdershins at 10:18 AM on November 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

As an identical twin, I'm more aware of what to do when the twins get older but I'll mention what I can.

Are the twin girls fraternal or identical? That will be very important depending on how you're going to raise them past the infant/todler age. Fraternal twins are like sisters. Identical twins are a different bunch. Most of my advice is for identical twins.

Color code your kids. I was red, my brother was blue. Of course, our favorite colors now that we're older but it works.

You are going to need two of everything but you won't need two sets of each toy. Let them play together and have fun with each other. They're going to get annoyed, they are going to fight, and they will be annoying but a twin is a born playmate. Let them enjoy that.

The amount of work for twins is double the amount for a single child but remember that economies of scale will work in your favor. Industrialize, buy in bulk, and remember that if they're identical, they're going to be able to wear the same size clothes.

Don't feel bad if you call one twin by the other's name. And don't feel bad if you sometimes just go "YOU" or "whatever your name is". Twins will get over any bad feelings attached to this and will soon learn to respond to both names. I only grew out of that habit once my twin and I physically moved apart.

If they're identical twins, when they're 18, they're probably going to both go to the same college. They might try to rough it but someone always transfers.

I'll nth what people say about individuality but understand that they are products of the same experiences and they are going to have a lot in common. Do not be surprised to have the set of twins beat you at Pictionary, Spades, Balderdash, and any other team game in the future. We do share a mental link you know. ;)

As a dad, you need to get involved and take some of the load off the mom. Get up in the night and let her sleep sometimes.

Twins will team up against you. And we're better at it than you think. Don't worry if we fool you. It's just gonna happen.

We're also going to cause twice the problems but we'll also do twice the amount of chores. And we're very willing to stick up for each other. It's amazing how that works.

Don't be afraid to let your twins go out and do the same things; don't push the "separate experience == individuality" mantra that I sometimes hear people mention. If that happens, twins will rebell as teenagers and do more things together. If you force your twins to do everything together, we're going to rebell against that too. Basically, we're going to be regular teenagers but there are two of us so muhahaha.

Oh. And if you're the type of family that buys cars for their kids, get two cars, not one. Having to share an automobile is just a pain in the ass.
posted by Stynxno at 11:14 AM on November 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

We have three and a half year old twin boys. The first year w as REALLY hard and I wasn't sure I'd make it sometimes. THe second year was easier (more sleep!) but still nerve-wracking because of worry. Life now is far easier than with a singleton - they keep each other entertained and make me laugh all the time. HANG IN THERE :)!
posted by MiffyCLB at 1:10 PM on November 6, 2007

A local Mothers of Twins Club would be worth checking out, as mentioned above. If a chapter near you has a resale, it's definitely worth checking out. Where else would be almost guaranteed to be able to buy two of everything?

I can still tell my (twin) brothers apart by their voices, but my parents would cheat and put nail polish on one toenail.
posted by easyasy3k at 5:52 PM on November 6, 2007

First of all, congratulations!

I'm an identical twin and I couldn't agree more with carmina's spot-on advice. There's a great deal I wish someone would have told my parents about raising twins, but it really boils down to this-

1) Matching names are a bit of a chore when you've grown out of the 'cute' stage.

2) Matching clothes are a bit of a chore when you've grown out of the 'cute' stage.

3) The 'cute' stage is a real chore.

4) Do everything you can to respect and encourage individuality in your children, and encourage others to do the same.

5) Nobody wants to be referred to as 'The Twins' all their life.

6) As Stynxno said - When the time comes, don't make 'The Twins' (shudder) share a car.

I realize this has mostly to do with my own issues around how I was raised and is no reflection on your parenting skills, which I'm sure are wonderful. Have fun, trust your instincts, and welcome to the world little ones!
posted by Space Kitty at 11:14 PM on November 6, 2007

Also, with regards to breastfeeding twins: make sure you don't "assign" a certain breast to a certain child. The babies will have different latch-on patterns and different uptakes and one breast will get "emptied" faster than the other. One feeding put baby A on left breast and baby B on right breast and for the next feeding, switch. I never managed to feed both babies at the same time, so I figured one feeding baby A goes first and next feeding it goes second. I did not have enough milk to breastfeed and pump. So I supplemented with formula once in a while. I also hired a lactation consultant who helped a lot with the technique and the productivity. The breastfeeding thing is hard so if it does not work out well for you, don't fret and supplement with formula. It is okay. Furthermore, I had a C-section therefore my milk came in two days later and very slowly. I was very frustrated uncessarily. Let the nurses give the bottle, it's not the end of the world.

You will also need to keep a journal with exact times and numbers of feedings, poops and any other information to relay to your pediatrician in the first few visits.

The nurses kept telling me to keep them together in the crib and they would put them in the same basket often while at the hospital. Apparently, the babies need to gradually get over the closeness of the womb.
posted by carmina at 9:43 AM on November 7, 2007

Thanks for the advice, everybody. The girls were born on Tuesday, and they're as cute as can be. They and Mom are in good shape, even if we're all a little tired. I may come back a little later and mark some best answers, although everything you all have said sounds like it makes a lot of sense. Thank you!
posted by EarBucket at 3:00 PM on November 11, 2007

wow! so cute! thanks for the update. Very many congratulations.
posted by carmina at 3:05 PM on November 11, 2007

oh my god adorable! Congratulations!!
posted by Kimberly at 12:23 PM on November 29, 2007