No date, but who cares?

October 30, 2007 12:54 PM

No interest in dating... is this something I should be concerned about?

I'm 27, openly bi, on the way to a great career. I have close friends, a very busy and fulfilling life, and no interest in looking for a romantic partner whatsoever. While I'm certain this isn't normal, is it something I should be concerned about? I've had short term and long term relationships before, but nothing lasting past the second date in about two years.

posted by roomthreeseventeen to human relations (29 comments total)

Why are you so certain this isn't "normal"?

If someone comes along and tells you to start worrying about it, what are you going to do exactly?
posted by veggieboy at 1:00 PM on October 30, 2007

Meh, as long as you're getting some action every now and then (be it from yourself or from someone else) I think you shouldn't worry about it....
posted by Grither at 1:01 PM on October 30, 2007

Well, you clearly are concerned - you just used an AskMeFi post on this.

It's totally fine.
posted by phrontist at 1:03 PM on October 30, 2007

I get the distinct sense there's something else going on here that you're not mentioning.

...after all, if it doesn't matter to you, then why would you care?

Something made you ask this question -- whatever THAT is, is the real problem here. Are you feeling pressure from family? Do you think about having kids and get worried about biological clocks? Are you afraid of winding up alone in a flophouse? What? What made you ask the question?
posted by aramaic at 1:08 PM on October 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Nope, it's just social pressure to be with someone. Funny how in today's world all kinds of relationships are becoming increasingly accepted, but being alone still carries a stigma. I applaud you for not wasting your time with trivial relationships!
posted by mateuslee at 1:13 PM on October 30, 2007

is this something I should be concerned about?

No. And the only sense in which it "isn't normal" is perhaps the fact that it's true of less than half the population. It "isn't normal" only in the same sense that blue eyes aren't normal.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:14 PM on October 30, 2007

Many people have active romantic lives but crappy careers, few platonic friends, and no fulfillment. A lot of them wish they were in your shoes; I definitely have at various points in my life. And a lot of people pretend that they don't care about dating for the sole purpose of attracting a mate.

As long as you're not worried about it, you're fine. Great, even.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:14 PM on October 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

We all know that 'normal' is a relative term. What you really seem to be asking is if this lack of interest in procuring a romantic partner is evidence of some unseen danger waiting to explode from your genetic make-up and devastate you in some way.

I think not, and in some ways I envy your situation very much. More care-free, less encumbered; enjoy it while it lasts. If it lasts forever? You get to play the field in perpetuity. Yay, you.

What are your concerns here, by the way? Not getting to have kids? Not growing old with someone? Not walking in to a home at night warmed by the smell of a meal your stay-at-home partner has been laboring over for hours? Seriously, what do you think there is to be worried about?
posted by Pecinpah at 1:16 PM on October 30, 2007

Try not to let yourself feel pressured by those around you, or draw yourself into vicarious fantasies that aren't really yours. Your life is yours, you're the one who has to wake up into it every day, and you're the one who has to be able to sleep at night with what you've done.

I feel like I say this a lot, but there are as many ways to live as there are people in the world. That's a pretty good defense against self-doubt, as well as meddlesome friends and famiily.
posted by hermitosis at 1:20 PM on October 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

You are concerned. That's why you asked the question.

Does that mean that your current focus on everything but an intimate relationship is wrong? No.

But you'll have to ask yourself why you are wondering if it is normal or OK. Decide that you aren't sure about your choice for a week and spend some time asking questions of yourself.

On the other hand, if a nosy friend is behind this question, tell them to MYOB.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:20 PM on October 30, 2007

Are you happy?
posted by LordSludge at 1:26 PM on October 30, 2007

I don't think you should be concerned. As others have noted, there is a social pressure on people to date and be with someone, but for a long time there I, as a late 20s straight male who had just come out of a hard break-up, had no interest in dating either.

And then I met my fiancee, and everything changed in an instant.

This may or may not happen to you. But don't fret over whether no interest in dating is normal or not. It's your life to do with as you please. But just be aware that, as happened to me, your perspective on dating could change in a fraction of a second if and when you meet the right person.
posted by Effigy2000 at 1:27 PM on October 30, 2007

I have close friends, a very busy and fulfilling life, and no interest in looking for a romantic partner whatsoever.

Same here! And eh, normal is relative. You're fine.
posted by mewithoutyou at 1:30 PM on October 30, 2007

Nthing everyone who says this is fine. The social and cultural pressures to be in romantic relationships -- based on the (false) assumption that this is ultimately the happiest, most satisfying way for everyone to live their lives -- are extraordinarly pervasive. They're also extraordinarily full of shit. (See also the similar pressure on women to have children based on the assuption that we can't be happy/satisfied without them.)

I think hermitosis says it best: "there are as many ways to live as there are people." Maybe you'll find you are interested in pursuing romantic relationships down the road; maybe you won't. At the end of the day, if the way you're living works for you, keep at it.
posted by scody at 1:32 PM on October 30, 2007

To answer questions, yes, mild pressure from family and friends.

But yes, I am happy as I am now.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:33 PM on October 30, 2007

If it is stemming from a deep-seated fear of intimacy or something, it's probably not healthy. It's not common, but enviably so--you are happy, healthy, and successful in your own skin. I mean, Jesus, what, do your friends and family nagging you to date want you to be this guy? You don't want to be that guy.
posted by schroedinger at 1:40 PM on October 30, 2007

yes, mild pressure from family and friends

Eh, there you go. There are always going to be people who can't quite understand that you're happy living your life in a way that's different from how they live theirs -- and most of the time it's not out of malice or ignorance, either; it's because they really do care for you, but can't quite see that their expectations or assumptions about what you want or need aren't, in fact, what you really do want or need.

Look, you could be in a relationship but defintely not want kids, and some of those same people might pressure you to get pregnant -- again, based on the same notion that it's "normal" for everyone to want to have children. Or you could be married and have kids and be pursuing your career, and some of those same people might pressure you to work at home to be with the kids full-time -- supposedly because it's "normal" to want to stop working outside the home. (And if you did leave the workplace to stay at home with your kids, guess what? Some other people would likely pressure you to keep your job, based on the assumption that that's normal.)

It's natural that such pressures might cause you to second-guess yourself. But, IMO, the thing to do is to (gracefully) resist the pressure to conform to someone else's expectations for you when they're out of sync with how you know, in your heart of hearts, you really do want to live.
posted by scody at 1:49 PM on October 30, 2007

If it's worth anything, I'm jealous. I wish I could feel like this.
posted by sweetkid at 1:59 PM on October 30, 2007

What most of the other posters said. There's nothing wrong with you. Plenty of people throughout history have led perfectly happy, productive lives without ever being in a relationship. As long as you have work, outside interests, and platonic friends, life can be sweet.

(Personally, I think that being friendless is a far, far worse fate than not having a boy- or girlfriend. I can get along just fine without a significant other, but being without friends would reduce me to a soggy ball of misery.)
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:01 PM on October 30, 2007

i've been single for 4 years. i'm a generally successful, well-adjusted person, so this appears weird to some people. it bugs me because people (at least here in the south) assume i'm immature or irresponsible because i haven't gotten married or had kids by age 31.

i'm really happy with my life. am i normal, as in conforming to the norms around me? nah, probably not. am i normal, as in falling within the average range of human experience? of course.

for whatever reason, i've made being alone work for me. it works great for me. i would eventually like a partner, but he'd better be pretty damned awesome for me to give this up.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:02 PM on October 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

Go to Amazon and search for books about being single and happy. Then either buy them or take some out at the library.
posted by IndigoRain at 2:18 PM on October 30, 2007

As long as you have work, outside interests, and platonic friends, life can be sweet.

or, as a good friend of mine once put it, "you're better off being miserable and alone than miserable in a relationship".
posted by camdan at 2:41 PM on October 30, 2007

Nope, you are fine. I am in a similar boat, got out of a long term relationship last year and I wake up every morning pleased that my time is my own. Haven't really started "looking", may not. People ask me if I'm dating anyone and I say no and if they start bugging me about it, it's their problem not mine.
posted by jessamyn at 2:49 PM on October 30, 2007

The trend these days appears to one flock getting married in their mid-20s with their highschool/college sweethearts, and the rest getting married in their mid-30s after they've "made it" in their careers. So in fact what you're doing is quite normal.
posted by randomstriker at 3:52 PM on October 30, 2007

You're better than fine, as Fiona Apple would say.
posted by RobotHeart at 5:43 PM on October 30, 2007

Don't be concerned. When you meet the right person you'll know. Follow your instincts and you can't go wrong.
posted by wv kay in ga at 7:46 PM on October 30, 2007

I just had this exact conversation with a friend this weekend, but it's been much longer than two years for us. We both understand that there may be someone out there who'll really knock us out and make us yearn for them as daily partners, but aside from an occasional "is there something wrong with me?" twinge lead relatively happy and interesting lives on our own, can usually get sex when we need/want it, and don't really see the point to dragging anyone else around on a daily basis right now. Or maybe ever. And if someone did come along that clicked, we figure they'd probably be someone who felt comfortable living apart and connecting every other day or three. There are people who make that model work, although you wouldn't know it from Western pop culture.

Sometimes the "Do you have a boyfriend?" question from family or friends catches me off guard; I kind of go, "Oh, right - I'm supposed to get one of those" and stutter out a "no, not right now." But always, a little later on, I start to laugh at the assumptions behind the question and settle back to doing what I want, with a casual eye open to someone else who might fit in to that in a way that makes sense to me. If folks persist, I just tell them I'm one of those loners they've heard about and leave it at that, but I don't really think of myself that way. I like being around people; I just don't feel that pull to have a romantic partner around me all the damn time.
posted by mediareport at 8:56 PM on October 30, 2007

Oh, I'd also like to disagree with the folks who are taking this question itself as evidence that there's a serious unspoken issue at work here. I mean, come on, the pressure to partner is so obvious and strong from so many quarters that wondering if it's right for you is hardly the same as hiding from yourself. Especially for women, like my friend and the poster.
posted by mediareport at 9:07 PM on October 30, 2007

The DSM IV specifically mentions "asexuality" but goes on to say that as long as it does not materially interfere with meaningful non-sexual relationships or with work and family relationships that its all good.

What, you don't browse the DSM for fun? Ok, I'm seriously nerdy.
posted by TeatimeGrommit at 10:54 PM on October 30, 2007