like, do you like, need to feel, like *liked*?

October 29, 2007 1:38 PM

Do you need to feel liked?

I started this AskMeFi question out of some social anxiety, about a “party” I’m throwing next weekend, and worrying that it’ll flop, no one will show up, or it will be boring and lame, and maybe I should just make up an excuse and cancel it. I’m in a new city and in a new grad program. While I hate small chit-chat and would rather have deeper conversations at people, I seem to suck at this, and revel in the safety of smalltalk.

This is mostly because I fear not being liked. So I ask you all - do you have this need to feel liked? Do you care? If you don’t care, did you come to this attitude, or have you had it all along?

Why might I, or you, or anyone care about what other people think of us? How might I learn to relax (say, without alcohol, or drugs)? What helps you not be so concerned with needing to be liked?

posted by anonymous to grab bag (36 comments total)

Sounds trite, but I believe it's true: I think we care when we're not comfortable in our own skin. Then again, I'm not the most sociable of people, so I'll yield to the more outgoing folks now.
posted by jquinby at 1:45 PM on October 29, 2007

Having a party is always terrifying; I'm always worried no one will come. Once I even threw a party and nobody came (because I threw it together way last minute and it turns out no one I knew was that into watching the Tonys with me). If nobody comes to your party, it doesn't mean people don't like you, it just means they didn't want to go to your party, and there are a number of reasons that could be true.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:46 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I stopped worrying about whether or not most people like me when I started being more honest about the fact that I just don't like most people.

Which made me less neurotic, and possibly more likable.
posted by kmennie at 1:46 PM on October 29, 2007 [9 favorites has favorites]

When I'm having people over, my main distraction is focusing on making sure everything is "go" for entertaining--all the logistical things concerned with making it a nice happening, even if it's just a super-casual wine-n-pizza night.

I have also noticed as a guest that I enjoy it when not everything is "done" when I arrive; it can be engaging to be able to stand around in the kitchen yakking and/or helping with meal prep, etc. YMMV.
posted by everichon at 1:46 PM on October 29, 2007

How many people did you invite? I find that I am much better with a small group (3-5 people) than in a large party. I don't like the noise and I always seem to get drowned out by more boisterous people.

Everyone at least wants, if not needs, to be liked, so you are in good company I think. How not to worry about it? Well, you are hosting the party and you could worry instead about chips, dip, beverages, greeting your guests etc. Maybe you just need to be slightly distracted from your unease.

Don't cancel though, even if one person shows up you can still have fun.
posted by ian1977 at 1:48 PM on October 29, 2007

Yes, everyone wants to feel liked. Not everyone worries about whether or not they're liked. This is where neuroticism begins, and as a fellow neurotic, I feel your pain.
posted by creasy boy at 1:48 PM on October 29, 2007

We as human beings care about what other people think of us because we are inherently social beings. This is not a bad thing. It is not bad to want to be liked. Taking it to an extreme can be a bad thing though. However, there is a term for people who don't care whether other people like them or not: dicks. As with all things, moderation is the key. Be who you are and, acting within that limitation, try to make people like you. The real key is having the right people in your life who you want to like you.
posted by ND¢ at 1:49 PM on October 29, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Background: ten years ago, any kind of having people over or going to someone's house was an event full of crippling dread for me. Gradually, such that I didn't really notice, it's become mostly something to look forward to.

It helped having a relentless spouse who would not stop doing soirees just cos I was uncomfortable.
posted by everichon at 1:49 PM on October 29, 2007

Yes. I need to be liked.

I'm obviously no expert on this topic, and am probably worse at socializing than you, but I've received some good advice recently and am working on putting it into practice. Before you worry about whether people like you, work on letting other people know that you want to know them.

Open-ended questions. Lots of them. If they want to get to know you, they'll reciprocate, but if they don't do so immediately, don't hold it against them. People love talking about themselves. Sometimes they have to warm up to others before they realize it needs to be a two-way street.

Plus, the fact that you are new in town gives you fodder for endless questions. "Where do you like to hang out?" "What do you recommend for (insert activity here)?" "What do you think of (place name)?" Just some examples...

Good luck with your party!
posted by Ruby Doomsday at 1:51 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

That is the beauty of getting older. I really don't care about being liked. I think it is more important to be authentic and true to yourself and some people will like me for it and some won't. Oh, well. I'm not saying this is you, but people who feel the need to be liked are easily manipulated by others. Learning to say no might be the best thing that can ever happen for a person like that. Also-- you might just be an introvert who doesn't like parties and there is nothing wrong with that.
posted by 45moore45 at 1:51 PM on October 29, 2007

You can't control how people react to you. Be who you are, and those that like you will stick with you; those that don't, you don't need 'em.

I don't much care about being liked, and yet (not to sound conceited) I find that people generally do. There's gotta be a correlation there. I don't try to be liked, I just try to be myself.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have a party. Some people are party people, some aren't. If you still want to gather people together and have conversations, maybe you should start a book club? That seems like a good way to get past superficial, hihowyadoin' type chitchat and get on to something more meaningful to you.

Plus, book clubs are typically a smaller group than a party, which would allow you to "get your feet wet" as it were, and see if you'd be up for hosting a "big" party.
posted by pdb at 1:57 PM on October 29, 2007

I'm really not concerned with "being liked" in general. I've never been the "cool kid" that everyone had to have at their parties, and I really didn't want that kind of pressure anyway. It's far more important to me that a small handful of people accept me for who I am. Right now, I've got that. However, even that ebbs and flows, and I go through periods where "no one understands me." I think that's the human condition. We all think we're unique in our eccentricities and insecurities, and we're not. Not at all.
posted by desjardins at 1:58 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you don’t care, did you come to this attitude, or have you had it all along?

Came to it. It just gets exhausting caring whether someone will like you. Eventually you say fuck it, become able to assess yourself, realize you're pretty neat and quite worrying about it.

Why might I, or you, or anyone care about what other people think of us?
Any number of reasons in number of situations. At work, you might not care if people like you, but you need be aware that being liked makes work life easier for you. Same for any situation where team dynamics are at play. Think about it, would you rather work with someone you like or someone you don't like?


How might I learn to relax (say, without alcohol, or drugs)? What helps you not be so concerned with needing to be liked?

Developing hobbies and figuring out what I like. If you're into painting model airplanes, and watching the fashion industry or whatever and really dig it, then you come to realization that it's one of your pleasures in life and dive into in. Once you're in, you're busy caring what others think 'cause you're doing your thing.

It also helps to find people who are similar to you. If you're not into small talk, quit trying to hang around people who do small talk. You're just gonna make yourself miserable, them bored and no one is happy.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:59 PM on October 29, 2007

Forgot this part:

What helps you not be so concerned with needing to be liked?

Self-confidence.
posted by pdb at 2:00 PM on October 29, 2007

no. i realized it doesn't matter if someone doesn't like me since not everyone will. if they don't, fine, no sense in going out of my way. it takes too much work to worry about it, better to focus on people that i like and care about then some stranger. btw, i went thru a period, thru no fault of mine, in which i was pretty universally disliked, by folks that knew me and folks i had never even met or that knew me. long story, but before that happened i was pretty well known aroud town. it was fun for a few years, but then the tides of gossip went against me. i found that all those "friends" that thought so highly of me didn't mean really mean anything. as soon as i became the juicy topic for a few days for everyone hanging out at the bar i learned real quick being liked is pretty hollow and meaningless. find the few people that matter and put your energy their. that's not to say you should write people off, or not socialize, but just be yourself (how cliche, but true) and don't worry about it.
posted by andywolf at 2:03 PM on October 29, 2007

The trick isn't to be interesting or to show overwhelming interest in other people, it's to be passionate about what you're interested in and motivated to learn about others.

If you're not passionate about anything, work on that first, and be able to articulate not just what's great about it, but why it is so great to you. That is the part that people will relate to.
posted by mikeh at 2:04 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about whether people like me or not. I was a bit neurotic about it and had tons of social anxiety. I spent so much time and energy trying to get people to like me that I could have made myself crazy and it did exhaust me. As I've gotten older, I worry less about this. There are a few ways I've done this:

- I have accepted that not everyone is ever going to like me, and realized that this would not be the end of the world. The people who already like me are the ones whose opinions matter most to me anyway.

- I've realized that my need to be liked by everyone was ultimately pretty self-centered. I imagined that people spent much more time thinking about me - and whether they liked me - than they actually did. In reality, people are too caught up in their own little world (and wondering if you like them!) to spend so much time thinking about you.

- I've learned a lot about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which has helped me immeasurably.

- When all else fails, be kind. If I can't be kind - I do nothing. In other words, don't hurt people. If they don't like you and you've done nothing to deserve it then your life is probably better without them.

If someone doesn't like you sometimes you just have put it down to a personality difference, which isn't the end of the world! Remember all the people who DO like you. Nurture those relationships. Do things that you love to do which interest you. Try to focus on anything but thinking about what people think of you. When you do these things, people will naturally be drawn to you. And you'll find that as you life gets fuller, you'll stop worrying as much.

I know it's not easy. Good luck to you.
posted by triggerfinger at 2:08 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I want to be liked, but I'm ok with not being liked by everyone.

It's very useful to be liked in a lot of ways. Who will feed your cat when you are out of town, who will write you a recommendation to a job, who will help you when your car breaks down, but a person who likes you? Sometimes it can be important to make a first impression of being likable, such as in a job interview or simply to make your day go a little more smoothly.

Being likable can be learned, and so can smalltalk. A smile of greeting gives a good first impression of being likable. Listening attentively to other's small talk will give a medium term impression of being likable. Listening attentively can be learned.

For your party, ideally you would have at least 2 people rsvp, so you know it will actually happen. When I've done party invites, I've found that around one in ten of the invitees actually attend.
posted by yohko at 2:20 PM on October 29, 2007

Coming from a party-hating and occasional party-giving misanthrope who appreciates that a few people DO like me, even if most don't: If you're not liked already, the party is unlikely to make it worse, unless it's *horribly* inappropriate, but it probably won't be. Have some good food there and try to connect with people. If no great connection happens, at least you made the effort and gave them the gift of an opportunity (and the food!) So, a party is a worthwhile effort once in a while. Do it and pat yourself on the back.

And go examine what this liking is about. At least someone likes you, right? You can't please everyone; you have to try to be genuine, but gracious. Not easy, but it's the wisest course of action. Yeah, there are those times you stick your neck out and so what if there's a scene, but probably not at a party where the participants are guests and your purpose is bonding, not confrontation.

I suck at everything social and the few parties I have given have been fine and worthwhile, so just be sensible about it and don't view it as something of deathbed importance. With perspective, it can be a fun and interesting experiment and maybe get you some brownie points too.
posted by Listener at 2:28 PM on October 29, 2007

I'm an introvert on the extreme end of the scale, and being liked/not being liked doesn't even figure on my radar. What is more important to me is feeling good about who I am and what I do.

"While I hate small chit-chat and would rather have deeper conversations at people"

This sounds to me a LOT like you're an introvert too. I've been reading The Introvert Advantage recently, and that line could be taken directly from the book. I did think at one point that I had some form of social anxiety, but I later realised that I don't. I just dislike socialising. Anxiety wasn't really a part of it.

"If you don’t care, did you come to this attitude, or have you had it all along?"

I've always had it. I've never "run with the pack", or wanted to "fit in" at school or work, etc.

"Why might I, or you, or anyone care about what other people think of us?"

To me, this sounds like a higher form of reasoning, along the lines of "what can I do to make myself more attractive to a potential mate?". My (probably screwy) logic being that a prehistoric man who took care of his appearance was more likely to get a mate and babies than one who smelt bad, etc. Also, humans (for a large part) are social creatures. We're wired to enjoy spending time together, so it's natural to think about what is going to make people want to spend more time with us.

"How might I learn to relax (say, without alcohol, or drugs)?"

If you're like me, then you never will learn to "relax". I say "relax" because I am quite relaxed in social situations. It's not the people themselves that I dislike, it's having to talk to them and "make nice". I'm forcing myself into a situation I don't enjoy, so it's natural to want to leave it. You might find some of the tips in The Introvert Advantage to be of use, though. I haven't tested them, but they look pretty sound.

"What helps you not be so concerned with needing to be liked?"

I like myself. I'm comfortable in my own skin, and by myself. I've looked into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind, and seen what's there. There's nothing left to scare me, so I don't need other people to distract me.

My email is in my profile if you want to talk more.
posted by Rabulah at 2:56 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Over the last 10 years I've organized over 200 art+performance events, exhibits, etc.

I'm always convinced no one will come!
posted by puppy kuddles at 3:16 PM on October 29, 2007

“They” say the most important things in life are

Food
Water
Shelter
and the fulfillment of our desire to be liked / needed / wanted, aka to be Loved.

This thought has been explained much more articulately than I am doing here but its definitely something I've crossed many times…

That being said... Yes I need to be liked… but I also need to be liked for the right reason, so that creates a small battle. One I don’t always win, but one I try very hard to prevail in consistently.
posted by crewshell at 3:19 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I started this AskMeFi question out of some social anxiety, about a “party” I’m throwing next weekend, and worrying that it’ll flop, no one will show up, or it will be boring and lame,

Back in grad school, my wife and I gave a party and nobody came (well, a couple of people came). We survived.

I think that if you are fully engaged in your own life, you are a fairly responsible person, and you are not an asshole to people, being liked will take care of itself.
posted by jayder at 3:33 PM on October 29, 2007

I need to be understood. Being liked is a natural consequence, I happen to believe. Because I'm so great. But give me someone who doesn't get me in the slightest and I flip out. It's not normal, I know.

So, I love myself plenty, but I still get social anxiety, about new people especially. Relationships are different every time and group dynamics are insanely complicated things to maneuver through. It's okay to be aware of it, but don't be crippled by it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:46 PM on October 29, 2007

i once threw a party and of 20 invitees, and only 5 showed. it sucked, but i got over it. those 5 people, by the way, are still some of my best friends.

wanting to be liked is totally normal, and feeling insecure about it is totally normal. the thing is, if you don't invite people into your life, people won't invite you into theirs. you'll be lost in chitchat-land forever. so take the chance. if no one takes you up on the offer, then fie on them and soldier on.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:47 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Not getting at you, but I always find it hard to relate to people who say they hate parties, for example, because of the 'small talk'; so-called 'small talk' is the oxygen of society and the precursor to deeper conversations. Those who complain about it are really uncomfortable with the fact that their brains are, as far as I can see, impaired in some way. 'Small talk' isn't necessarily 'small', the term just means that it doesn't necessarily have to follow a predetermined path, which would be quite boring, let's face it. Small talk, when done well, is witty, engaging and therapeutic.

I suggest you work on getting your brain to work quicker, be funnier, be more stimulating and then you'll begin to enjoy it more and appreciate it for its true (inestimable) value.

Those who bemoan 'small talk' like to take an intellectual high ground, as if it were beneath them, yet at the same time whinge that they're incapable of it. Envy?

Personally, I can't stand people who, within five minutes of knowing me, want to get into profound conversations about religion or politics. It's normally a sign that the person is an intellectual lightweight, anyway, and bound to bore me if given half the chance. So I get away as soon as possible. Please don't be that person...
posted by Zé Pequeno at 4:23 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

triggerfinger wrote: I've realized that my need to be liked by everyone was ultimately pretty self-centered. I imagined that people spent much more time thinking about me - and whether they liked me - than they actually did. In reality, people are too caught up in their own little world (and wondering if you like them!) to spend so much time thinking about you.

So true. This, more than anything, has helped me be a lot less neurotic than I used to be about interactions with other people.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:25 PM on October 29, 2007

I used to think I didn't care if people liked me. But the thing was, at the time I was living very much in my comfort zone and I was actually very well liked. Since I knew I felt confident that I had a lot of people on my side, I took it for granted that anyone who didn't like me wasn't worth my time.

Since then, I moved away from my comfort zone. I thought it would be easy and take no time to build a new one, but human relationships aren't that simple unfortunately. So now when I feel that people don't like me, it makes much more of an impact on my confidence because I don't have as strong of a support system to back my ego up. I am the odd man out, so it's not as easy to just say "Oh fuck 'em, they don't matter."

I used to be a local, familiar face in my old life, and now I've had a taste of what it really means to feel like an outsider. I used to enter a room and have all sorts of people hug me and be happy to see me, where as an outsider I'm invisible and a bit insecure at times. Being an outsider, I'm far, far harder and more critical of myself. And really, it kinda sucks. Because I'm actually a pretty cool person. Now when I go back to visit old friends, I'm actually shocked at the incredibly positive response I get just for walking in a door because I've had to go without that familiarity for a while.

So my answer is... yeah, it matters. It matters a lot. And anyone who says it doesn't is either lying or is firmly in their comfort zone. Take my advice... don't ever take the people who love you for exactly who you are for granted... because they freaking ROCK and you'll miss them when they aren't around.

Knowing that you're really liked and accepted unconditionally for the person you are makes you feel so good inside, I wish I could bottle that warm cozy feeling of comfort and wear it upon demand. Everyone needs that. Hell, if I could bottle it I might as well sell it! I could totally make zillions.
posted by miss lynnster at 5:49 PM on October 29, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

All of that said, as far as worrying about what people think, I find that quite often people aren't really thinking about you half as much as you might assume they are. So it's best not to stress out over little junk that doesn't matter. It's more important to focus on the big picture, to find and fill your life with people who matter to you and care about you than worry about the little petty details to impress the masses of people who don't care.
posted by miss lynnster at 5:54 PM on October 29, 2007

do you have this need to feel liked?

Uh, we are human beings, you know.

You are normal for feeling this way. Accepting that goes a long way towards minimizing the issue.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:42 PM on October 29, 2007

It's very useful to be liked in a lot of ways. Who will feed your cat when you are out of town, who will write you a recommendation to a job, who will help you when your car breaks down, but a person who likes you? Sometimes it can be important to make a first impression of being likable, such as in a job interview or simply to make your day go a little more smoothly.

These are the only reasons I care if people like me or not.

It is convenient for people to like you. It makes it easier to get your way. It's not hard to make people like you if you are careful to present yourself as someone who likes them.

In general, human beings are desperate to feel important and valued. If you can give people that feeling that you care about them, they will crave your approval.

This does not mean that you can pretend to like people. You have to genuinely like them. The thing about Dale Carnegie's book that is completely true is that people know a phony. I try to find the remarkable things about people, which is easy enough because everyone has some remarkable aspect. We're all the same, and we're all different. That is amazing.

BUT

When I was eight I gave a birthday party. No one came. It stung. There were a number of similar incidents along the way through school. Finally, I realized that I am different (odd, not special) and that there are entire swathes of the population who will loathe me on acquaintance and think I am a silly, stupid weirdo.

If you are like that, you have to learn to own your weirdness. People laugh at me because I like things they don't - fuck them. I have a good time and I am happy, and people who don't like me are missing out on sharing my good times!

I guess what this book-length comment is intended to say is that if you meet people halfway, most of the time they will like you, no matter what you are like, if you like them. But you will always meet people who cannot allow themselves to be liked and who will not like you. Those people cannot be allowed to matter to you, because life is too damn short to feel bad about some sadsack who dislikes you for no good reason.
posted by winna at 7:43 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

'small talk' is the oxygen of society and the precursor to deeper conversations. Those who complain about it are really uncomfortable with the fact that their brains are, as far as I can see, impaired in some way.

I suggest you work on getting your brain to work quicker

i suggest you work on not being a prick. people work differently then you do, so that means they're broken? it's called being an
introvert. nothing wrong with that.

Those who bemoan 'small talk' like to take an intellectual high ground

that's not the case at all. pardon those of us that bow out of conversations about this week's episode of whatever show is big this season. to insult those of us that don't feel like participating is bullshit. the wiring is different, you're not put together any better then someone else.
posted by andywolf at 8:07 PM on October 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Who doesn't want to feel liked? Anyone who says they don't care isn't being honest. Now, it's possible not to care whether certain people like you or not, but everyone wants to be liked by someone they respect.

Make sure you have enough food and drink to keep people happy and satisfied. If people like the food you serve, they'll want to come back.
posted by HotPatatta at 8:19 PM on October 29, 2007

get a dog
posted by edtut at 1:28 AM on October 30, 2007

I've found that I can achieve the stated goal by using some nontraditional behaviors. First, instead of being nice to people, I'm honest with them. Usually they are the same thing - helping people achieve what they want is generally regarded as nice. But sometimes it requires being tougher with people than "nice" might indicate. And I've always found that it has helped me in the long run. People value my honesty and candor over the sweet sappy grins and fawning of other people. I guess it is possible to love a cactus. :)

On the specific issue of your new grad program, I offer this tale. My cousin moved to DC and threw a great party which I helped her put together. It was swanky and fun, and everyone from her new grad program was invited. Almost nobody showed up. The truth wasn't that they didn't like her. They just aren't social people.

Try to think of your relationships with these people as if they are waiters at a restaurant. They might neglect you, fail to bring you food in time, ignore you, or just be plain nasty to you. But you have no idea what is going on in the kitchen when they leave your table. A whole lot of things could account for their reaction to you. And a lot of times, it just isn't personal. Try to remember that.
posted by greekphilosophy at 6:05 AM on October 30, 2007

I used to worry so intensely about being liked that it took me years to realize that I, too, had my own likes and dislikes. Once I started listening to myself, I realized that there were very few people I really liked. So I ditched the ones that made me feel like crap, ad I had more time left to give to the people that were worth it.

I once threw a party where only one person came. It sucked, I felt rejected, I cried. I still go through times where I think I don't have any friends. In reality, my friends are there, and they like me. We get caught up in our own lives and don't spend every free weekend hanging out, but we still care about each other. I've had to learn to trust that they're there even if we don't talk for a long time.

It's been really difficult to gain the confidence to just go be my quirky, introverted self. I wish I were outgoing, unafraid, funnier, more talkative. But it's far preferable to be myself, and let others take it or leave it, than to pretend to be the person I think other people want.

A lot of it is taking risks. I tend to be really quiet. Sometimes I think of something to say, but I worry that people won't get it, or will think I'm weird. But now I make myself say it. And sometimes it bombs, and people look at me funny. But more often, I get a laugh or spark a reply, and I feel great. Because I'm being myself, and that's more important than the reaction I get.
posted by bassjump at 7:31 AM on October 30, 2007