Help me resolve me an issue with socializing.
October 28, 2007 2:27 AM Subscribe
Help me resolve me an issue with socializing.
When I socialize (i.e just socializing and not dating) with people for the first few times, I pay close attention to their interests/preoccupations and really engage them on those things. That also means making sure to be aware of a person's sensitive points and to suppress things that might strike them as odd or unappealing. (Believe me, that kinda filter is sometimes helpful, because friction/faux-pas can occur otherwise.)
Anyhow, while this advantage has the approach of making things flow really well with the person I am talking to and makes them comfortable with opening up, eventually things go awry when I loosen up a bit after quite a few (at least 3 or 4) "cautious" personal encounters.
Problem is that once I suddenly get the wish to discuss my particular interests and express more of my personal thoughts and emotions, it does get awkward. Maybe too much info for the other person's comfort. (Oh that's how you feel about issue a and that's what you think about event b... That's nice, but I don't really care.)
Well maybe that other person is not responding to what I share not because they don't care, but rather because they are cautious. Either way, it's awkward.
What could I do to make sharing personal thoughts/ideas without creating an uncomfortable social situation?
P.S . After I get "looser," I still keep my interest in the other person and what they say, I don't shut them out. I just share more of myself.
When I socialize (i.e just socializing and not dating) with people for the first few times, I pay close attention to their interests/preoccupations and really engage them on those things. That also means making sure to be aware of a person's sensitive points and to suppress things that might strike them as odd or unappealing. (Believe me, that kinda filter is sometimes helpful, because friction/faux-pas can occur otherwise.)
Anyhow, while this advantage has the approach of making things flow really well with the person I am talking to and makes them comfortable with opening up, eventually things go awry when I loosen up a bit after quite a few (at least 3 or 4) "cautious" personal encounters.
Problem is that once I suddenly get the wish to discuss my particular interests and express more of my personal thoughts and emotions, it does get awkward. Maybe too much info for the other person's comfort. (Oh that's how you feel about issue a and that's what you think about event b... That's nice, but I don't really care.)
Well maybe that other person is not responding to what I share not because they don't care, but rather because they are cautious. Either way, it's awkward.
What could I do to make sharing personal thoughts/ideas without creating an uncomfortable social situation?
P.S . After I get "looser," I still keep my interest in the other person and what they say, I don't shut them out. I just share more of myself.
Socialization, especially in the beginning of a relationship, is a two-way street. It's good that you are making an effort to indulge these people, to really listen to them and get a feel for what interests them (because people love to talk about themselves), but you should not be suppressing an aspect of your own personality either. It's not fair to that person and it leads to problems later. I refer to this as bait-and-switch — they think they are befriending someone who turns out to be completely different than first impressions implied.
Ideally, conversations should be 50/50. Do you have to "suppress" things because otherwise you would end up dominating the conversation? You shouldn't be letting the other person dominate the conversation either. It's one thing to need a little time with someone before you feel completely open around them, but it's another to intentionally come off as someone you're not.
In summary, just be yourself and don't try to game your way into someone's confidences.
posted by Brittanie at 3:06 AM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
Ideally, conversations should be 50/50. Do you have to "suppress" things because otherwise you would end up dominating the conversation? You shouldn't be letting the other person dominate the conversation either. It's one thing to need a little time with someone before you feel completely open around them, but it's another to intentionally come off as someone you're not.
In summary, just be yourself and don't try to game your way into someone's confidences.
posted by Brittanie at 3:06 AM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
Not sure why you'd apply this restraint in the first few encounters. To build up a good relationship with somebody you've got to be able to have two way communication...why not filter those out who can't do that from the word go?
All you're doing is create an idea in the other person's mind of 'who you are' in these first encounters which you then destroy when you become yourself...
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:06 AM on October 28, 2007
All you're doing is create an idea in the other person's mind of 'who you are' in these first encounters which you then destroy when you become yourself...
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:06 AM on October 28, 2007
My take on it: it used to be considered good manners for two people to take turns trying to draw each other out with considered questions when meeting for the first time, and to remain a little reserved about themselves (thus the need for 'drawing out'), but a lot of people no longer have this skill or expectation. So, they misinterpret your old-fashioned restraint about "pitching yourself" and your good manners towards them as unadulterated fascination combined with low self-esteem. When it turns out that a) you were being polite and b) you'd eventually like your own personality to be part of the interaction too, they feel thrown by the fact that your interest wasn't really the direct result of their irresistible magnetic pull, and that you have expectations of them that are outside of their normal experience (and that maybe they don't know how to fulfill). Because they are working from a different rulebook, the situation that felt ego-boosting and relaxing suddenly looks deceptive and burdensome.
I think your approach is good and I wish more people embraced it, but if you stick with it you are going to continue to have this experience with some people. You're a little out of step with the culture. You might try just being a little less reserved and a little less inquisitive/accommodating at the outset so that it's less of a big change later on.
I also have the feeling that people have gotten a little strange about dealing with differences in opinion in general (something it looked like you were touching on later in your post), but maybe I'm wrong. I don't know your age or the age of your acquaintances that you're having unhappy interactions with, but I'm in my early 30s and often when I chat with mid-to-late 20-somethings and it turns out that I don't agree with them about something, it's like they mentally cut out altogether. It isn't like "fuck you then" or "I disagree because ....", it's like "I'm going away in my mind now, to my happy place." Maybe disagreeing is seen as rude and that's their politest response to it? Maybe the Gen-Yers I know here are particularly odd? I dunno; I realize that's anecdotal as hell.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 4:42 AM on October 28, 2007 [10 favorites]
I think your approach is good and I wish more people embraced it, but if you stick with it you are going to continue to have this experience with some people. You're a little out of step with the culture. You might try just being a little less reserved and a little less inquisitive/accommodating at the outset so that it's less of a big change later on.
I also have the feeling that people have gotten a little strange about dealing with differences in opinion in general (something it looked like you were touching on later in your post), but maybe I'm wrong. I don't know your age or the age of your acquaintances that you're having unhappy interactions with, but I'm in my early 30s and often when I chat with mid-to-late 20-somethings and it turns out that I don't agree with them about something, it's like they mentally cut out altogether. It isn't like "fuck you then" or "I disagree because ....", it's like "I'm going away in my mind now, to my happy place." Maybe disagreeing is seen as rude and that's their politest response to it? Maybe the Gen-Yers I know here are particularly odd? I dunno; I realize that's anecdotal as hell.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 4:42 AM on October 28, 2007 [10 favorites]
You may be setting up a pattern that is a little hard to undo later in the relationship. You may also just be socializing with people who don't share your feelings about the two way street thing. You might also be oversharing. It's hard to tell without some examples, but any of these things could be adjusted for somewhat.
1. Setting Patterns - people may be determining "oh hey that gregb1007 guy is fun to hang out with because he really cares about my chinchillas..." and then they establish that you're the person to talk to about whatever it was that you were being interested in before. But, since encounters are short, your talking about your own stuff later on may not leave chinchilla-talkin' time and that may seem weird to them sicne the first 2-3 times you were together that was the pattern. I think establishing back and forth earlier, even if you're still being cautious/careful is a good idea. Make sure you're doing some of the talking, make sure you establish yourself as a real conversationalist, not just "Oh I'm interested in all those same things!" person.
2. Chatty Cathies - sometimes people who like to talk a LOT find people who don't talk as much. I'm a pretty good listener and I have some friends who are more talkers than listeners. This is okay generally, it balances out overall, but I have to realize that in each individual conversation, there's not necessarily going to be them-time and me-time. For old friends this is fine, I just say "hey there's something I need/want to talk about" and it usually works out. For newer friends I have to decide how much I want to just be the available passive listener to their not-very-personalized recitation of whatever they are talking about. You can decide how you feel about that or whether you're dealing with someone like that and whether you're okay with that.
3. Oversharing - this is stickier because it's pretty contenxtual, but if someone's telling you about their stamp collection and then when it's your turn to talk you want to change the conversation to global warming, that may not be their idea of polite conversation with new aquaintances. Don't get me wrong, for a lot of people that's a totally fine topic to talk about but some people's sensibilities don't enjoy getting into contentious topics early on. So, even if those are the topics you want to talk about, you may have to assess whether the people you are talking to may enjoy those lines of discussion. I have this problem sometimes with people with very strong opinions about political or social issues. Sometimes they want to talk about them, impress their opinions on me and get into debates about the topic and I don't, not over lunch or whatever. I'd siggest evaluating what you're presenting as your interests and seeing if they fit into those categories that might actually make people uncomfortable. This is not to say that those are verboten topics, just that you may need to find the right people to talk about those things with. So, if your particular inteersts are along the lines of "we should abolish taxes" or "the war on christmas is nonsense" or "global warming isn't real" that may take a particular audience.
Also, related to that is you should make sure you're not just a little conversationally starved and aren't trying to make this new person into sort of a compensating person for the larger social network that most people have. My Mom sort of gets like this. She lives alone and I think sort of saves up narratives so that when I talk to her I get polite listening and then this flood of all her small observations about everything since last we spoke. I'm not saying this is you (and this is something I'm happy to do with my Mom but if I had just met her I'd be less interested in that) but be mindful of what sort of role you're expecting your conversational partner to meet for you.
posted by jessamyn at 6:04 AM on October 28, 2007 [5 favorites]
1. Setting Patterns - people may be determining "oh hey that gregb1007 guy is fun to hang out with because he really cares about my chinchillas..." and then they establish that you're the person to talk to about whatever it was that you were being interested in before. But, since encounters are short, your talking about your own stuff later on may not leave chinchilla-talkin' time and that may seem weird to them sicne the first 2-3 times you were together that was the pattern. I think establishing back and forth earlier, even if you're still being cautious/careful is a good idea. Make sure you're doing some of the talking, make sure you establish yourself as a real conversationalist, not just "Oh I'm interested in all those same things!" person.
2. Chatty Cathies - sometimes people who like to talk a LOT find people who don't talk as much. I'm a pretty good listener and I have some friends who are more talkers than listeners. This is okay generally, it balances out overall, but I have to realize that in each individual conversation, there's not necessarily going to be them-time and me-time. For old friends this is fine, I just say "hey there's something I need/want to talk about" and it usually works out. For newer friends I have to decide how much I want to just be the available passive listener to their not-very-personalized recitation of whatever they are talking about. You can decide how you feel about that or whether you're dealing with someone like that and whether you're okay with that.
3. Oversharing - this is stickier because it's pretty contenxtual, but if someone's telling you about their stamp collection and then when it's your turn to talk you want to change the conversation to global warming, that may not be their idea of polite conversation with new aquaintances. Don't get me wrong, for a lot of people that's a totally fine topic to talk about but some people's sensibilities don't enjoy getting into contentious topics early on. So, even if those are the topics you want to talk about, you may have to assess whether the people you are talking to may enjoy those lines of discussion. I have this problem sometimes with people with very strong opinions about political or social issues. Sometimes they want to talk about them, impress their opinions on me and get into debates about the topic and I don't, not over lunch or whatever. I'd siggest evaluating what you're presenting as your interests and seeing if they fit into those categories that might actually make people uncomfortable. This is not to say that those are verboten topics, just that you may need to find the right people to talk about those things with. So, if your particular inteersts are along the lines of "we should abolish taxes" or "the war on christmas is nonsense" or "global warming isn't real" that may take a particular audience.
Also, related to that is you should make sure you're not just a little conversationally starved and aren't trying to make this new person into sort of a compensating person for the larger social network that most people have. My Mom sort of gets like this. She lives alone and I think sort of saves up narratives so that when I talk to her I get polite listening and then this flood of all her small observations about everything since last we spoke. I'm not saying this is you (and this is something I'm happy to do with my Mom but if I had just met her I'd be less interested in that) but be mindful of what sort of role you're expecting your conversational partner to meet for you.
posted by jessamyn at 6:04 AM on October 28, 2007 [5 favorites]
The percentage of people with whom one can have a satisfying personal conversation is pretty low. So even if two given people are doing everything 'right' in terms of give and take, the odds are slim that they'll click conversationally. It's totally great when you can both say what you think and be yourselves and not get bothered about differing opinions and so forth... but it's rare.
You stack the deck when you do that holding back thing. You stay open to the other person's foibles and you don't reveal your own, and so, to them, you're unobjectionable -- plus you offer the acceptance and non-judging-ness that encourages other people to chat with you. (By the way, they may be keeping things neutral, too, even as they talk about thier interests.)
Say this happens ten times. How many of those ten people are self-centered or narrow minded? How many just aren't your type? How many are unskilled socially? You get my drift... you're going to have many 'nothing' exchanges before you find someone you can have an interesting mutual conversation with.
posted by wryly at 11:34 AM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
You stack the deck when you do that holding back thing. You stay open to the other person's foibles and you don't reveal your own, and so, to them, you're unobjectionable -- plus you offer the acceptance and non-judging-ness that encourages other people to chat with you. (By the way, they may be keeping things neutral, too, even as they talk about thier interests.)
Say this happens ten times. How many of those ten people are self-centered or narrow minded? How many just aren't your type? How many are unskilled socially? You get my drift... you're going to have many 'nothing' exchanges before you find someone you can have an interesting mutual conversation with.
posted by wryly at 11:34 AM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In any case, I get the impression from your post that you consider whomever you're socializing with to be somehow more special than yourself, and you're trying to impress them. Or that you think your interests are not really interesting. People pick up on that.
You're awesome the way you are. Why are you "cautious"? Just be good company. Assume that people enjoy hanging out with you. Anything worth saying is worth saying with confidence. Nobody's gonna stop being your friend because you introduced conversation topics in the wrong order.
posted by mpls2 at 3:05 AM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]