Betrayal - I've betrayed my girlfriend, yet we are still together, trying to heal, and work through the mess I created. Should we even bother? Is this relationship salvageable?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (40 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
What I did was incredibly wrong. I did not cheat on her in the physical sense, but I was in contact via email with an ex-girlfriend from years ago, who I told some mean and untrue things about my current girlfriend. I lied to my girlfriend’s face about being in any sort of contact with the ex, even when she specifically asked about her. One day, she found out that I was emailing my ex, was able to read these emails and the shite hit the fan. Naturally, my girlfriend feels extremely betrayed and stabbed in the back because I lied to her and because of the mean/untrue things I told the ex about her/us.
Before you recommend counseling, we are already seeing someone together and I am seeing another therapist individually to figure out WTF my problem is…I think it’s helping me. We had started counseling a little before my girlfriend found this out for other reasons (stress, living together in a new town, etc)...so I was lying to our counselor as well. We’re still seeing her, though to me, it seems that my presence at our sessions is more for support, which is ok. But since being caught, I've changed my ways quite a bit, but I still have a long way to go.
Being caught in this horrible lie has been quite an eye-opener for me. Looking back, I realize what a complete bastard and arsehole I've been over the years and how selfish, immature, hasty and terrible I've been. It's like I can clearly see that person that I was and I don't want anything to do with ‘him’ anymore. I know I am capable of being a normal, good person and that is what my number one goal has been since this bad, bad, BAD thing happened. It's been a little bit of a struggle to change after many years of being that way, and I've regressed and stumbled a few times since then. But I do feel that I AM changing for the better.
My girlfriend is still struggling with letting go of this. We'll be getting along fine, talking about our issues and problems and generally still being civil and loving towards each other. But she has a hard time trusting me now, and probably will for a long, long time. She has minor outbursts every now and then that seem to drag her and us down into the mire...which brings back the whole slew of negative feelings for both of us and seems to counteract any progress or healing that may have occurred. We have let it eat away at us too much. I have no idea if she will ever be able to forgive me. She says that she's lost her best friend (me). She says that the world is against her, because she is so forthright and real and honest, and everyone in the world is out to betray each other like I did to her. She is still very much in love with me too. I think she may be conflicted by all these love/distrust feelings. We are still living together.
My better half is still here with her, trying to heal the wounds, be a man, do the right thing – not lying anymore, being transparent, trying to be a better communicator and let people ‘in’ and let them know me (I’ve put up a few too many walls in my life). The bastard half is screaming at me inside my head to end the relationship, not only for me, but for her – I don’t want to put her through any more pain just by being here, reminding her of my betrayal or making her constantly thinking she cannot trust me or looking for any possible lies I might still be telling. That bastard half of me really gets loud when she is either angry with me or sobbing hysterically at me – because this is not what I want for her. She does not deserve what I did to her. And I do not deserve a truly good person like her who is still in love with me…it doesn’t make sense for her to stay with me because of what I have done to her. What I did was unforgivable.
But now, I feel that I’ve gotten over most of it, which seems to bother her a lot, because she is still living it from time to time. I tell her that we’re just different in that respect. Maybe I can process and get through things faster than her. Maybe I am still a callous, immature or selfish person that won’t let himself get to invested or broken up about it. Drama is something I’ve always avoided, or ran away from. That’s what my instincts are telling me – run away. But to me, that is not growing, being a man, a new and better person – what I’d like to change about myself. But can our relationship really survive all this turmoil?