Sharing feelings with others at work

October 25, 2007 3:07 PM

I share/vent my feelings with colleagues/peers at work about my boss/other peers. I find it helpful to releive my stress. Is this something normal... Sometimes i feel guilt that i should not speak....Is this something immoral. I do not have bad intentions and am quite honest when i express/share them ... I sometimes have fear, that people will spread this one-to-one talk i have with them, to others and it might finally reach to the person, whom i am talking about and afraid to face the wrath of the other person...
posted by mot123 to work & money (17 comments total)

Work is never the place to share feelings. I would say that your fear of people spreading this "one-to-one talk" is well founded and I would advise that you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself unless it directly affects you or your work in a professional capacity, in which instance, you should speak to your supervisor/boss only.
posted by meerkatty at 3:09 PM on October 25, 2007

A god rule of thumb is: never say something about Jane to someone else that you would not say to Jane's face.
posted by tristeza at 3:11 PM on October 25, 2007

It will eventually reach them. Don't do it.
posted by The World Famous at 3:12 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Well, yea...duh. That is called the office grapevine. You really need to vent yourself anywhere else BUT work. It will always find it's way back to the person you are talking about and you will become known as a whiner. Is that the image you want to try and build a career on?
posted by 45moore45 at 3:17 PM on October 25, 2007

What meerkatty said. I learned just the other day what can happen as a result of this kind of stress relief, and it's not good.
posted by rhizome at 3:25 PM on October 25, 2007

Nthing the opinion that this is not a good idea. The occasional complaint every once in a while is probably inevitable but beyond that, well ... as other folks have said, chances are good that your words will eventually make their way back to the subject of your complaints. Beyond that, though, I know that when someone habitually complains about other people to me it doesn't take too long before I start wondering what they're saying about -me- behind -my- back. And - eh, there's also the fact that work can be a bummer enough as it is sometimes, without having to hear someone's complaints about it on a regular basis. I try to avoid people who make a habit out of complaining, if only for my own peace of mind.

If you need to talk about your coworkers, consider doing so with your patient friends outside of work instead - and even there, if I were your friend I would hope you'd limit yourself so I didn't feel like I was your "dumping ground." On second thought, perhaps you'd be best off doing the -majority- of your complaining to, I dunno, a pet or a plant, and save the ears of your friends for those complaints that absolutely -have- to be shared with another human being ;)
posted by zeph at 3:42 PM on October 25, 2007

What is told in the ear of a man is often heard 100 miles away. ~Chinese Proverb
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 3:44 PM on October 25, 2007

This office grapevine effect is so well established that there have been several sitcoms based on it. All of those hilariously awkward situations? Not so hilarious when it's happening to you.

Keep your mouth closed at work, and just find a friend who will let you vent to them.
posted by arcticwoman at 3:44 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Of course it's A Bad Idea, but probably 90+ percent of workers do it. In my experience, the trick is to find a trustworthy reliable work buddy, someone at your level (not above or below), a person you can bitch with and who bitches back with their own gripes (hopefully amusingly rendered), and who has demonstrated their ability to enjoy a good bitch session while exercising discretion.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 4:01 PM on October 25, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Lots of the people who encourage you to vent at work are secretly tattling on you to your bosses.

At a good office they're doing it on their own initiative.

At a bad office they're doing it on the orders of management.

Don't say anything at work you would mind having the person you said it about hearing. They will hear about it.
posted by winna at 4:18 PM on October 25, 2007

This sort of thing also brings down morale overall. When you feel like everyone around you instantly reverts to complaining as the topic of conversation, work becomes a true misery. As a manager, it's something I actually bring up in reviews now - maintaining a positive attitude, supporting co-workers and supervisors, and avoiding gossip. We deal with it head-on because it's so damaging and distracting. You are your reputation, and there is a noticeable ripple effect from gossip centers. We may not know what you're saying, but we know you're saying something that's not direct and aboveboard, and it engenders mistrust and suspicion all around.

Don't get me wrong - work is full of BS and I hate it too. Just save it for after work with friends and SOs or for that one truly trusted colleague who you know can keep her mouth shut.
posted by Miko at 4:24 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

In my experience, the trick is to find a trustworthy reliable work buddy, someone at your level (not above or below), a person you can bitch with and who bitches back with their own gripes (hopefully amusingly rendered), and who has demonstrated their ability to enjoy a good bitch session while exercising discretion.

You can call them Linda Tripp.
posted by The World Famous at 4:34 PM on October 25, 2007

Not only is it a bad idea (things like addressing an email to the person you're bitching about do happen) but I find it kind of leads to your workplace becoming a mire of bad feelings for you. Sometimes it's just better to chin up and do your job and not amass baggage about it. And no one wants to become that Obviously Bitter Coworker that I think we've all had. You know the one -- the one who's really been working there much longer than s/he should have.
posted by loiseau at 4:50 PM on October 25, 2007

Why not have a conversation with the person that is annoying you instead of talking about it to other people?

Put it in the context of you - i.e. it's about how you react to the way they behave, not about them, per se. They may be completely unaware of how their behaviour makes you feel. They may be aware, and don't care, but bringing it to their attention makes them at least deal with the issue. It sounds scary, but it's strangely liberating, even when it's someone more senior than you are... Don't be afraid!
posted by finding.perdita at 5:54 PM on October 25, 2007

How about undertaking an inspirational self-helping venting fast?
posted by medusa at 7:54 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Normal, but a bad idea, and hard to resist, especially when putting in long hours. I find that when I start doing this, the best thing to do is take a deep breath and say something reasonable and diplomatic, like so:

Me: "Argh. It's another typical disaster from so-and-so. Hooray!"

Cohort: "Again with the thing?"

Me: "Yeah. He drives me crazy. It's not like this is rocket science."

then I realize what I'm doing, and follow up with...

Me: "The thing is, it's not really his fault -- this isn't his area of expertise. I think I'll talk to him about helping out in the next planning phase; that way he'll get the help he needs, and I won't get frustrated."

I may not actually do that, but now I'm redirecting my frustration into a diplomatic, situation-improving scenario (in word, at least, if not in deed.)

So then if my cohort spills the beans in a negative way and I eventually get confronted, I can say "I'm glad you mentioned it -- like I said to cohort, it's not fair to have you setting this up without help, and it just frustrates me later on, so I want to hook up with you earlier on the next one to make it easier on both of us." Nice and productive.

you know, typing this out, I'm not surprised I do well in the offices I work...
posted by davejay at 1:18 AM on October 26, 2007

How socially connected are you with your colleagues? If you've got a social life that's interesting and diverse outside the office, it's much easier (in my experience, at least) to avoid talking about touchy subjects at work.

Go to some meetups, join an organization or two, take a class...give yourself something else to talk about (and somewhere else to gab about work)!
posted by mdonley at 1:38 AM on October 26, 2007