How confident should you be about a relationship at the start?

October 20, 2007 9:58 AM

How confident should you be about a relationship at the start?

There's someone who works near me (but not with me, and is likely changing jobs in a few months – this isn't one of those "dating people at work" questions) who I'm almost positive is into me in a big way. I enjoy hanging out with her, I'm attracted to her too, we have some similar interests, etc.

There are some complications, though. There's a laundry list of reasons why I'm not sure dating her would work out. Perhaps the biggest is that I think she likes me more than I like her.

I know this comes across as pretty neurotic. Relationships involve lots of uncertainty, but I've been in approaching-a-relationship situations where I've had basically no reservations, and this feels different. Am I just being ridiculous? Is it okay to just try it out and see what happens?

More generally, this is something I've gone back and forth over for quite a while. When I get to know people, I get really good at inventing reasons why dating them wouldn't work and so I make sure nothing happens. The exceptions are people I've fallen for before getting to know them and then it didn't really matter when I learned later. Is this something other people go through too? Do you usually grow out of your worries as the relationship matures? I have this vision that the beginning of a relationship should be the phase where you think everything is wonderful and great, and having reservations takes the fun out of that.

So – have you (the AskMefi Reading Public) had similar situations that worked out? How can I get over my worries and just move on to enjoying a new relationship? Am I being as neurotic as I feel like I am?

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

I think you may have already answered your own question. If there's a "laundry list" of reasons you're unsure the relationship would work out, then that might be the first red flag.

But speaking more generally, most relationships at the very beginning are fraught with uncertainties, regardless of how they begin. The other side of the coin may be that you simply overthink everything and need to learn to let go and take the plunge.

That was how I used to be, overthinking everything, figuring that certain relationships might not work for x reason, or 'wow, this guy is great, but he'll eventually think I'm too nerdy, think I'm too x, or y, or hate z about me and leave'. Touches of insecurity that may or may not have had anything at all to do with the actual person or budding relationship.

Eventually, I found someone who recognized that pattern in me and won me over slowly. Concurrently, I went through some confidence-raising life changes.

I think it comes down to why you seem to sort of mentally doom relationships in your mind before they happen. Could it be a confidence issue? Perhaps it's a matter of not wanting to take risks.

Perhaps you should write those reasons for and reasons against down, and work at crossing off the sillier/less consequential ones. Often, for most people, relationships are a matter of trial and error anyway.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:15 AM on October 20, 2007

In terms on feeling neurotic, it’s probably better to be in the situation where the other person has stronger feelings for you than you do for them.

Whenever I’ve been the person with the stronger feelings, I know I’ve felt very insecure and second guessed everything I said and did, and I think the woman I was with could sense that. Whereas, the few times a women initially had stronger feelings for me than I did for her, I felt free to be more open and relaxed. Being open and relaxed is more attractive and conducive to building a good relationship than being clingy and insecure. You wrote, “Perhaps the biggest is that I think she likes me more than I like her,” and I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, especially for someone who is prone to feeling neurotic.
posted by Jasper Friendly Bear at 10:33 AM on October 20, 2007

How can I get over my worries and just move on to enjoying a new relationship?

Do you have any actual basis for your fears that this is not going to work out? As in, she's married, certifiable, a lesbian? No? Then you have False Expectations Appearing Real. the keyword being false.

You like her, she likes you. Give it a go, and see how you get on. The worst that can happen is that you split up, and end up not together, which is right where you are now.

If you want to be completely open about it, tell her how you feel, and open up the lines of communication. Best scenario - she takes it on board, and allays your fears. Worst scenario - she gets put off by the idea, and you get what you focused your energy on. A relationship that didn't work out.
posted by Solomon at 10:41 AM on October 20, 2007

Why do you need to label the situation with loaded words like "relationship" and even "dating"? You say that you enjoy hanging out with her, you're attracted to her, and you have similar interests. Why don't you continue to hang out, do things you both are interested in, connect romantically, etc.? Just live your life, have fun, get to know her better. If you stop enjoying those things with her, then stop doing them. You don't need to both agree to enter into some sort of perfect relationship before you can go out and do stuff together.
posted by Durin's Bane at 10:46 AM on October 20, 2007

Seconding Durin's Bane: Just hang out, enjoy each other's company. I mean if you are worried that you might be leading her on, make it clear that you want to hang out for a while.

But another question arises after reading your post: What is it that you are worried about?
- Leading her on and then letting her down if you don't like?
- Falling for her and then being let down yourself?
- Being stuck in a boring relationship that doesn't feel like fireworks and or hot salsa?
- Having her discover that you are not what she thought you to be?

If I read you right, maybe you are a lot like me - a sensitive person, who genuinely cares about other peoples feelings, perhaps to a neurotic level - or maybe you have to be that type of person, because the type of woman who is attracted to you is usually the one who wants the long term relationship.

(Sigh That's is how I am. I wish I could have been a bad boy (grr!)).

But I digress - Tell us what is really on your mind! What are you concerned about? What outcomes do you want to avoid by going out with this person once, twice or more?

Or, are you also like me, in that you think a relationship is too good to be true for you, and once you are in it, you are going to be too stressed because you won't know what to do - like winning the lottery and not knowing what to do with the money?
posted by bitteroldman at 11:01 AM on October 20, 2007

Luckily this is an easy one:

Is it okay to just try it out and see what happens?

Of course.

Look, until you move in together, to a first approximation, one of the big differences between friendship and 'dating' is that when the movie finishes you hug your friend and fuck your date. You wouldn't worry about hanging out with a friend just because you had reservations, right? You're attracted to each other; you have similar interests; you know nothing at all about whether you're compatible with this person in the long term, i.e. you'd have to spend intimate time together to find out.

Sounds like you should try a date. Dating-type stuff is a good deal of fun and doesn't imply obligation, so try a date!

Most capital-R Relationships eventually fail. Well that's how things are: you change, she changes, circumstances change, bodies alter, opportunities arise, we shop around, whatever. How do you mitigate against that? Pursue people you know you can do the prosaic life stuff with and can recreate with in a wide variety of ways. (If you don't need variety, are sure you don't, then don't worry so much about that latter thing. But probably you do need it.) The way you find out about that compatibility is by building intimacy, asking questions, getting involved in someone else's life.

Or you can go on a couple of dates, answer your questions, move on. Uncertainty is built in because you know nothing - indeed, you probably have no idea what you need out of a relationship, if you're relatively early in the dating game. You might know what you want, and you have to pursue that and make mistakes so you illuminate brightly that which you need. It'll come. You should do the same. Shit, just go for it, ask her out, man!!
posted by waxbanks at 11:28 AM on October 20, 2007

Oh so but just in case:

If you're not that into it, keep her expectations low, even if that means artificially cutting off interactions so as not to unbalance your respective perceptions of where the relationship is. If you only want to hang out for a few hours, don't stay the night because you're 'doing her a favour' - you're not. Remember at all times, you're not doing her a favour, you're sharing in an experiment.

Lesson from science: a failed experiment gives no usable, reproducible results. But a negative result is not necessarily a failure - you want to forward knowledge, not 'win.' Your expectation therefore should be, We'll do something fun and learn something.
posted by waxbanks at 11:31 AM on October 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

You could, but why would you?

It doesn't really sound like any fun and unless you're on a fishing boat in Alaska or in China or somewhere else with skewed gender ratios, there are people out there who you will enjoy dating more.

Date them!
posted by sondrialiac at 11:34 AM on October 20, 2007

Waxbanks has some helpful info I think. When I consider my relationship history (and being 51 I've clocked some experiences) it's the relationships built on 'liking' and friendship that have lasted the longest and been the most pleasant and enjoyable and rewarding (as in growing more as a person).

I think a major red flag for you is the "I think she likes me more than I like her." That's a problematic position because it alludes to you getting ready to ignore your intuition and entering into something that isn't mutually exciting.

I no longer believe in "working" at relationships. I can't believe how many friends I have who, shortly after meeting someone new, are in therapy several months later "working on the relationship." I think when you meet someone and you're excited about them and they are excited about you then you're off and running and all systems are 'go.'

That's my criteria for starting a new relationship now: Both of us are eager to see each other, aren't running games of 'hard to get' or being coy and aren't over-thinking things to death.
posted by zenpop at 11:39 AM on October 20, 2007

I've been on both sides of this. It never works if desire inequality is present even before the dating begins.
posted by birdlady at 12:52 PM on October 20, 2007

Desire inequality is always, always a bitch to deal with and it's definitely good that you're attuned to these kinds of red flags.

That said, you don't really mention how old you are. At this point, is settling down your priority? If not, why not date her? The thing with dating someone you already know well as opposed to someone you fall for on a first-impression, instinctive basis is that there's more connection, more to lose, and therefore more apprehension. But if your past relationships have all been of the spontaneous, jumping-in-thanks-to-hormones type, you might find it a nice change to date a friend, for once. Some people advise against it like crazy; I find it pleasant not to have to try so hard. Relationships are supposed to be good for you; two against the world; etc etc. Why not make the ride a bit easier on you?
posted by Phire at 1:31 PM on October 20, 2007

I think when you meet someone and you're excited about them and they are excited about you then you're off and running and all systems are 'go.'

maybe the key thing here is how common a scenario this is for you. I have more recently become more open to "trying things out" than, for instance, I came across here, so even though I don't disagree with what I said then, I think in real life you have to make some choices before you have very much data. So getting involved with someone you're not sure about is normal, because you're gathering more info, and you simply can't know what will turn out to matter the most. Maybe the person you find super-attractive will irritate you or make you neurotic or end up being kinda boring; maybe the person who seemed sort of plain at first will help you discover new aspects of yourself, or make you laugh, or love you unconditionally... There is a risk in trying it out, in that people may end up getting hurt, but it could be really good, too, even if it doesn't last forever.

If you find people you're excited about people all the time, and are fairly regularly in those "all systems go" type of states, then perhaps there's no need. But then I doubt you'd be asking the question.... So it becomes an issue of whether to hold out for someone who really kickstarts yr motor, or see how a somewhat more relaxed romance plays out.

In the end, there isn't a right answer, and there are happy and unhappy couples that start at all points along the spectrum. Sure, you've got various factors to consider - how old you are, how serious you're thinking about relationships at this stage in life, how serious she's thinking, etc - but you do not need to know how it's going to turn out in order to take the first step. It's more up to you to determine how much potential uncertainty you're willing to go through.

on preview:
It never works if desire inequality is present even before the dating begins.

Never say never. I'm going to a wedding this weekend that began very much skewed to one side, desirewise, but which has ended up producing a very happy couple. You really just cannot say how things will turn out. There is so much more to a relationship than desire, especially as you get older, and many other factors can create important and long-lasting bonds which trump an initial chemical imbalance.
posted by mdn at 1:40 PM on October 20, 2007

I'm in the same situation now. One of the things I always ask people who ask me this question and are afraid they might hurt the other person's feelings is "do you think they would rather get a shot with you and then it not work out, or just never go out with you?" That question answers itself.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:59 PM on October 20, 2007

You know, of course, that courtship doesn't have to lead to marriage. Give it a shot. Worst thing happens—you break up and move on.
posted by klangklangston at 6:39 PM on October 20, 2007

It's hard to be sure about a relationship at first but I have to say that every woman I have ever fallen for I knew upon first meeting that I liked her big, that there was something serious there. Sometimes that feeling led to nothing, but I never had something develop that didn't start out with an almost immediate feeling of it being right. This, of course, does not apply to girls I knew prior to puberty. This is adult reactions. I am not sure that everyone goes this same way, but many people I know have. It's a data point, draw you own conclusions.
posted by caddis at 7:14 PM on October 20, 2007

I've been in approaching-a-relationship situations where I've had basically no reservations

Yes, and how did those work out again?

I think I was way more into my wife than she was into me when I started courting her. It took a year but my overwhelming charm eventually won the day (10+ years together, 5+years married, and a kid). I have another friend who started a relationship despite not feeling quite the spark because a family member basically advised her to give people a chance she wouldn't normally. Also married now, also kids.

So I'd say, no, initial feelings are demonstrably not necessarily guarantees of outcome. I don't think significant inequality of feelings can persist in a healthy relationship. But some people you don't get to the best of them on the surface impressions.
posted by nanojath at 8:18 PM on October 20, 2007

knowing someone too much b4 dating them can be a problem for the reasons you've highlighted. I think if you tried to date her now you'd be your own worst enemy. Supposing you'd did throw caution to the wind, in reality the your prior knowledge would affect how you behaved whether consciously or subconsciously. Let this be a lesson. If you like someone even a little you should ask them out before you know too much for your own good.
posted by browolf at 2:56 AM on October 21, 2007

Speaking as a woman, and one who has been on the receiving end of being dumped for "interest inequality", please give this ladyfriend of yours a chance. Half of your reservations are likely in your own head, based on misinterpretations of physical cues you're picking up on.

Please, treat this as others above have suggested, as a learning experience. You gain everything by going out and having some fun with this person, and you may even make a new friend. You gain nothing by cutting off contact now and deciding ahead of time that it won't "work out".

If she's sending cues that are making you uncomfortable, sit her down and talk to her - she may have meant something completely different, or might not realize she's sending the signal you're picking up on.

Maybe you can use this as a golden opportunity to break out of a mental rut. You say you're the kind of person who has jumped in without reservations in the past if you were attracted to the girl before you got to know her. Maybe it's time to try that on someone you've gotten to know, just to see what happens. I'm the kind of person who approaches relationships cautiously on a normal basis. But I'm currently hanging out with a guy I like a lot, and I've decided to break out of my own rut and try the both-feet-first approach. Again, you have everything to gain, and nothing to lose.

Please do let us know how you get on!
posted by LN at 7:26 AM on October 21, 2007

It never works if desire inequality is present even before the dating begins.

See, I can't imagine this *not* being the case. Has every successful relationship begun with two people feeling the same *exact* amount of attraction toward one another? How is that even possible? Doesn't one person usually pursue another, by asking him/her out, etc? I just think that's a wild overgeneralization, at best.

I myself have for about ten years fallen trap to giving up on relationships far too early. Say, after one date. ;) I do think it's true that you can learn some very important things about a person after one date, even dealbreakers, but I've certainly learned that things usually take time.

Meaning: there is little to no confidence at the start. You may be 100% confident that this chick is hot! She's smart! She has a really interesting career! She dresses great! We both like the same kinds of movies! And that only gives a false sense of confidence, as those things have little to no bearing on whether you're going to wind up growing old together.

(Conversely, you may be sure that this chick is fun! But she doesn't seem ambitious. And her apartment is a mess. She's had a lot of f'd up relationships in the past. Do I want to get involved with someone who has these shortcomings? Really, it's WAY too soon to make that kind of decision. Things may not be as they seem.)

So hang out. See what happens. Things will develop or they will not. You will *find out* if your laundry list of reasons holds any water. But you can only find out by trying.
posted by iguanapolitico at 9:32 AM on October 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

This seems simple. You say you're not sure it would work out; why not just disclose that concern, but continue on and give it a shot? If you get to the point where you're sure it won't work out, thats when to end it. It's the purpose of dating. Why miss out on something that could be great, just because you're afraid it MIGHT not work?
posted by JakeLL at 1:21 PM on October 21, 2007

zenpop:
I no longer believe in "working" at relationships. I can't believe how many friends I have who, shortly after meeting someone new, are in therapy several months later "working on the relationship." I think when you meet someone and you're excited about them and they are excited about you then you're off and running and all systems are 'go.'

I'm going to have to disagree with you, here. My husband and I take time out, purposefully, to do a relationship health check regularly. This, I think, falls into the category of 'working on' our relationship. At first, in the throes of euphoria, it wasn't overly necessary, and the time was spent gazing adoringly into each others' eyes, and similar activities. But it established a habit, of spending time together that was about making sure we were still on the same page, relationship-wise.

As a result, 7 years into it, we're still head-over-heels in love with each other, while nearly every relationship we know has broken during that time, or at the very least, soured somewhat. There are one or two exceptions - but it's rather uncommon for relationships started during one's late teens to last as long as this. I figure, we must be doing something right.

YMMV, IMO, IME, etc.

To the OP:

Go ahead, have a date or six. If it doesn't work, well, keep the friendship. It's good to have cute friends around.
posted by ysabet at 8:01 PM on October 21, 2007 [1 favorite]