I could tell your new girlfriend about the time we only THOUGHT you were potty-trained!

October 19, 2007 6:34 PM

Help me be an awesome mom!

My (almost) 22-yr-old son's about to graduate college. My 18-yr-old daughter is on a year-long theatrical tour. So all you MeFi's out there in their generation-- what did your parents do at that time of your life (just starting "real" adulthood after college, and first time on your own away from home) that made you COMPLETELY INSANE.

Perhaps I can avoid their mistakes!

posted by nax to human relations (36 comments total)

What you should do: Let them know you're proud of them and though life at that age is scary, make sure they know that you will always be there for them as both a mom and a champion. Be a sounding board for life decisions and remind them that no decision has to be forever. Don't judge their relationships too harshly, most of us dont know what we want at that age. Do be sure they are treating themselves with respect and humility.

Don't show naked baby photos to dates.
posted by softlord at 6:41 PM on October 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

Call about once a week but don't make them feel bad if they don't have time to call you. A tour of that nature is greuling and hard, she probably doesn't even have time to breathe most of the time.

Don't forget birthdays and Christmas, they are just as important when you're that age as they were when you were little.

Send them a little extra money every once in a while, even a little bit means the world and they're probably embarrassed to ask for it.

Also, if they seem excited about a new decision, do not point out all the terrible things that could/might happen. It can be hard to get excited about something and asking whether or not they've really thought about it is usually enough. They need to make their own decisions now.
posted by thebrokenmuse at 6:57 PM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well, there's little a normal parent can do that will drive adult children COMPLETELY INSANE. You probably have nothing to worry about. Try to be authoritative: you can be friendly while reminding yourself that you are not one of their peers.

Probably what drove me crazy was my parents' refusal to accept some of my life choices at the time (and we still get into arguments about raising kids - we always argue about school, and sometimes the arguments are not at all friendly).

Yeah, that's it: the refusal to accept differences of opinion. Mom, Dad, if we want to homeschool our kid, it will be fine!
posted by KokuRyu at 6:58 PM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Getting mail like dumb hallmark cards or newspaper clippings with some cash in the crease was always awesome.

And enundate them with junk food. Rolos. Poptarts. Gummy Bears. Cookies. It will get shared and spread much mirth around your offspring.

Phone calls drove me insane, though. I was always impatient to get back to friends or whatever else I was doing, and mumbling through obvious questions about all the stuff you're handling (courses, food, etc.) in front of roomies really really sucks. Keep them short and sweet.
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:09 PM on October 19, 2007

My mother sent me new socks and underwear every two weeks for the first two years I lived away from home. She was awesome like that.

I wish someone would send me new socks and underwear now. Miss you, mom!
posted by trip and a half at 7:25 PM on October 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

When I was in London my dad rang me at 3am Easter Sunday to wish me happy easter. While you may not have his timezone issues, I didn't appreciate phone calls before lunch, basically (I was often still in bed). And while the occasional phone call is good, keeping in contact is easier through email.
One thing I love is that I know I'm always, at any time, welcome home: I might be sleeping on the kitchen floor because they have 10 other houseguests, but it's open for me.
posted by jacalata at 7:39 PM on October 19, 2007

What did my parents do (when I was that age) that drove me insane? They knew better. Or thought they did.

I went backpacking for a year after college and every time I told my mum where I was going next, she had a horror story for me - about the water, the crime rate, the political situation, something bad that had happened to a friend of a friend who went there 10 years ago. It drove me crazy. I stopped phoning to tell her her where I was going next and just sent postcards when I was leaving a place.

In general, I'd suggest just keeping the lines of communication open. No judgment, no advice (no matter how well meaning) unless it is specifically requested. Just being interested in what they're doing and be supportive even if you disagree with what they're doing - this is the age where they're allowed to make some mistakes, and generally those mistakes won't actually ruin their lives. No guilt trips for not staying in touch as often as you would wish - they're spreading their wings and will return. Oh, and care packages are never a bad thing either!
posted by finding.perdita at 7:46 PM on October 19, 2007

Calling every week was too often for me at that age. I'd just say you should let them call you sometimes and gauge your frequency on that.
posted by rhizome at 8:19 PM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think the fact that you want to be an awesome mom, and are working actively to be one, makes you one.

At this point in their lives, it is no longer about what not to do, but what to do. They are now adults and need to be treated as such. The only thing to not do is treat them like kids. Let them know that you trust and respect them, will be there for them, but they are on their own now (other than whatever financial help you are providing).
posted by caddis at 8:33 PM on October 19, 2007

My parents used to intercept my mail, open it, set aside bills etc with the intention of "paying them for you" and then forget about them. They would also make random judgement calls about what to forward and what looked like junk mail. I'm 35 and I am still getting a little worked up just thinking about it.
posted by fshgrl at 9:00 PM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Think about your adult best friend that is not related to you. What kinds of things would you never, ever do to impose upon your best friend?

Now, don't do those things to your adult children.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:06 PM on October 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

When I was first out on my own, my parents used to stop by my apartment at really weird hours unannounced...like Sunday mornings at 9am, just to say hi and check on me. For a long time, my mom would insist on doing my laundry and then get angry if she found a boy's sock or worse mixed in with my clothes. Everytime I made travel plans, whether it be to Costa Rica or Ireland or Chicago, my mother would flip out and cry, and explain that I was probably going to get raped and murdered.

The worrying of my mother used to drive me crazy!
posted by pluckysparrow at 10:05 PM on October 19, 2007

My mom, bless her, allowed me to communicate on my own schedule and didn't take it personally when I didn't call every week. She used EMAIL. Which she knew I could and would answer, and didn't guilt trip me about not having a bunch of time to spend gabbing on the phone. Email isn't impersonal. Email is just usually the simplest way to communicate with a person whose life is super busy.

If your kids don't swear openly now, it's probably coming. Try as I might, I did eventually drop an F-bomb in front of my mom. You may or may not be the swearing is OK type, but regardless - your kids won't die of swearing a little or even a lot. Don't make a battle out of it.

Same with earrings, body piercings, and whatever else they choose to do to themselves. Tattoos are more permanent, but also less permanent than they used to be. The biggest fight I ever had with my dad was about his judgment of me for my choices regarding jewelry. Seriously - it's not worth it.

The other thing is this - my parents said to me all the time, "we know you're going to be OK out there because we've raised you in such a way that you will be. You are supposed to be able to be independent, and we're more than OK with that, so go out there and do it. But if you need to come home at any time, you can come home. We know you will always do your best." I lived at home for six months while I had my first job, saved some money, and my fiance and I bought our house. I was 24. The only reason that was possible was because they made good on that promise. Several lessons there 1) You've raised good kids who can succeed. Reassure them of that. 2) Reassure them that they can always come home. 3) If they need support, they should know they can have it.
posted by Medieval Maven at 10:05 PM on October 19, 2007

Both of my parents re-married when I was a teenager, so I'm always sort of interested in the contrasts that come up between my relationships with two different sets of parents.

The thing that stands out in my mind at the moment is how different they were (from each other) when they came to visit me. One set was totally fun - we'd go have a beer, go out to eat, they would always make sure I had time to do whatever it was I needed to do to take care of my normal life and they were happy to wander off and do their own thing for a bit if I needed some time or a break. It was always nice to see the other set of parents, of course, but their visits were more suffocating. We spent every possible minute together. They needed me to set the agenda for the entire visit and they need to be entertained the whole time.

In a nutshell, I had (& have) way more fun with the independent parents. I appreciate that.
posted by pril at 10:49 PM on October 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

My daughter is 19 and living on her own... After surviving "teenager hell" we have finally become friends. My strategy for success is: Don't "check up" on her. I wait until she calls me (or stops by) and then I catch up on her life by talking, and really listening to her, and letting her vent if she needs to, without constantly jumping in with "advice" (although she tolerates my advice now much more than she used to when she was living at home lol). If I don't hear from her for a few days, I call her, but never in a "you didn't call me" way, just in a "hi, how are you doing?" way. Once your children reach adulthood, your job is to be there when they ask you to be.
posted by amyms at 11:27 PM on October 19, 2007

my mom always brought me a case of bottled water and a 48-pack of toilet paper when she came to visit. that was pretty sweet. the stuff you know they need, but they'll never go to the giant warehouse store for- laundry detergent, dish soap, kitty litter- stuff that's useful in bulk quantities because it's easy to store and it'll never spoil- those are super-thoughtful parent-presents.

conversely, my mom makes me a bit nuts by telling me irrelevant horror stories- new york city has muggers! hide your credit card in a fannypack! the cat will give you toxoplasmosis! if you get struck by lighting wearing an ipod, you'll go deaf! identity theft! mexico is dangerous, you'll have diharrea (sic)! aargh. she's alarmist and hysterical and it's bad for two reasons:
(a) because it's super-annoying, and
(b), much worse, because i start to apply a blanket evaluation to these comments, namely, "her warnings are bullshit, i don't have to worry about that stuff"- and then i disregard the few good warnings mingled amongst all the noise, and get the runs in mexico. the frequency and volume of admonition actually has a negative effect on my ability to make sound judgements.

so if you wanna be a good mom, my advice is to buy them toilet paper and pick your battles.
posted by twistofrhyme at 12:43 AM on October 20, 2007

Oh my God. My parents are the King and Queen of driving us (my sister and I) COMPLETELY INSANE. It's gotten to the point that my sister cries after every phonecall, and she's normally a strong not-so-emotional person. Imagine how it must be like for ultra-emotional me!

Please DO NOT DO any of the following:

a) Make promises, and then say "oh, I don't remember saying that"

b) Do (a), but expect us to hold on to our "promises"

c) Call us while we're busy to whine about how we "haven't spoken in three days!!!"

d) Accuse us of "abandoning" you when we're ultra busy and don't even have a phone line (my sister moved to Bristol and was incommunicable for a week. My mother immediately assumed she was deliberately abandoning her. Of course! She conspired with the phone company to not install her line just so she could sock it to mum!)

e) Insist on us reporting on EVERY SINGLE MOVEMENT when we're away

f) Guilt-trip us on how you did everything for us and took care of us so of course we have to take care of you when you're older, no questions asked.

g) Freak out whenever we decide to take public transport (geez, Mum, it's just a bus, I'm not going to die) or worse, fly alone

h) Insist that every choice we make that is against the norm is bad and horrid

i) Pit our siblings against each other - saying bad things behind each other's back, or expecting one sibling to "educate" the other, or comparing them. Seriously, QUIT IT.

j) Think that we will be raped if we so far as go out of our house

k) Say that "all the other kids treat their parents like this!" or "other parents won't be as lenient!"

l) Insist that we go visit long-lost relatives or get in touch, even if we have no interest or knowledge or time

m) Make all sorts of convoluted plans in the name of "making things easy for us" without even consulting us to begin with

n) Pin your happiness on ours. OMG. The WORST thing you could say is that "I'll only be happy if you are." DUDE, NO.

o) Keep pushing us about our culture and religion

p) Ever IMPLY that we were adopted or swapped at birth. NO JUST NO.

q) "Subtly" influence us to follow YOUR dreams instead of ours

r) Laugh at our face when we are excited and passionate about something and/or tell us it's a waste of time (Dad does this. It hurts.)

s) Get super defensive when we say that something you do to us hurts us.

t) Assume you know better than us. You know different, not better

u) Answer every gripe or concern with "let me fix it". Let us fix it ourselves, we just want to vent. And besides, often it's more hassle.

geez, I have a LOT to rant about, eh.
posted by divabat at 4:07 AM on October 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

oh yes one more thing:

When and if you get some sort of a letter or message from your kids saying that they are unhappy or stifled at their current situations, and would need a change, but the change may be something you don't quite like, NEVER NEVER NEVER assume we are calling you bad parents.

I wrote such a letter recently and the fact that that was their first reaction hurt me so much that I sometimes regret ever being open to them. And they say *I'm* the hurtful one!
posted by divabat at 4:10 AM on October 20, 2007

- Start to do adult stuff with them - go for a meal and beers or whatever
- make visits easy by not relying on them to do the agenda, plan breaks where you go and do your own thing for a few hours etc
- if they are living on a budget (likely at that age) stuff like bulk buying nescessities is nice...it is also nice to get them little treats that they would not buy themselves
- email definitely better than phone as you can reply in your own time
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:10 AM on October 20, 2007

Awesome moms embarrass their children. Probably the worst thing you can do is try to be cool. Just be supportive. If they call you for advice, give them honest advice. If you think something they are doing is stupid, please tell them.

Tell them you love them, all the time. You know you're doing it right if they get this huge aw sucks grin on their face.
posted by Deathalicious at 5:59 AM on October 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Spurred on by Divabat (I swear, your parents must have went to the secret training academy for parents to learn how to make us crazy). Here are things you should avoid doing. The avoidance of these things will help your kids stay out of psychotherapy as adults.

1. Take all the credit when nice things happen in their life, ie. "Well we must have done a good job raising you!"
2. When they do something cool on their own, tell them how you could totally do the same thing and that it is not a big deal.
3. Tell them that you "know them better than they know themselves."
4. Keep bringing up crappy things they did and said as a teenager.
5. Talk about ex-boyfriends/girlfriends in front of current bf/gf.
6. Act super hysterical and freaked out when you find out your adult child has a sex life.
7. Don't snoop through your adult child's stuff!
posted by pluckysparrow at 8:03 AM on October 20, 2007

"...You are supposed to be able to be independent, and we're more than OK with that, so go out there and do it. But if you need to come home at any time, you can come home. We know you will always do your best."

Yes, yes, yes. I'm about the same age as your son, and during all of my struggles with finding work and figuring out where I want to live and what I want to do with my life, knowing that I always have support to fall back on if necessary has kept me from spinning into absolute anxiety.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 8:29 AM on October 20, 2007

If your child has a hobby, for example being in a band, accept that you probably don't understand what they're doing and don't need to. Don't try to share that interest by clipping every article about bands, or music in general, or the local symphony, and sending large envelopes full of clippings weekly (unless, as mentioned above, there is money hidden inside). Don't get contact information from everyone you met whose nephew in another state is involved tangentially in that hobby (for example, if your child is in a rock band, and your friend's niece plays trumpet) and send them to your child, because this will just illustrate how completely out of touch you are. Don't give your child's contact information to adult friends of yours whom they've never met, or met when they were four, especially if those friends will show up unexpectedly at your child's door at 8 AM on a Sunday morning to 'take you out to breakfast'.
posted by Gortuk at 8:53 AM on October 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Keep it coming, especially the kids! This stuff is great. We're getting some stuff right (biting our tongues, sitting on our hands and waiting for them to contact us; sending them unsolicited goodies, necessities and money) and some stuff wrong (I have been screening the mail-- I don't send on the junk. I'll stop that and start sending them everything but the bills we've agreed that I am paying; giving advice when all they want is an ear. I already knew I was doing that wrong)

How about a correlation-- how do I tell the difference between "I need to vent" and "I'm really in trouble, please help." ( I think I'd know, but just in case-- any thoughts?)
posted by nax at 9:56 AM on October 20, 2007

Oh, and divabat, based on stuff I read here and in the blue you seem to be doing just fine. Your parents actually sound kind of sweet, in a slightly psychopathic way (but I guess I'm going to have to stop threatening to send my children back to their real parents. Damn.)
posted by nax at 9:58 AM on October 20, 2007

Hold a family party the day after I get home for winter break and had no clean clothes---the airline had messed up my luggage
Drain the battery from my car to jumpstart his.

Let my brother sleep in my room.

Demand that I go out on a date with someone with whom I had nothing in common.

Use my car, break the antenna several times even though I made it clear that it could only be manipulated through a switch, break the cassette player--and not bother to get either fixed.

Ask if I went somewhere with my roommate and her friends
when it was obvious that I was not going to be included.
Ask if a gay friend was flaming and cruised.

Flirt with someone I was seeing at dinner while I went to the loo.

Not bother to tell me when my dog was hit by a car.

Not bother to tell me that my grandfather was seriously ill.
posted by brujita at 11:58 AM on October 20, 2007

Kid went to college with a cheap car, and Mom bought her tools for Christmas. ("If you have the tools, you can always find a man to use them for you.")

Mom used to show up with everyday needs at the beginning of the semester; dish soap, laundry soap, washcloths and towels, dishes, eating utensils, paper towels, sheets & pillowcases (oddball size), everything, all packed in giant laundry baskets.

When the kid moved to an apartment, Mom used to visit once in a while and clean things and defrost the refrigerator.

Mom didn't have money, but she used to troll the curb on Garbage Eve in various areas and make off with stray furniture. The kid had a television in every room. With remotes. (If you throw out a TV, always lay the remote on top of it.)

Mom opened a joint account with the kid and started it with $300, with overdraft protection for $1,000 and the kid had the debit card. The kid ended up far away, but Mom could put money in the account locally, and the kid could get at the money immediately in case of emergency. Kid never needed it, but had the arrangements laid on just in case.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 12:40 PM on October 20, 2007

nax: Everyone else seems to like my parents, but that's because they're not quite as crazy to other people as they are to their own kids. It's a combination of traditional Asian culture + Extreme Empty Nest Syndrome. I mean, sure, they do great things for me and my sister too, but the craziness makes it hard to appreciate that sometimes. Mum's going through a lot of depression right now, and who knows what Dad's feeling really, he hardly ever shows it.
posted by divabat at 2:00 PM on October 20, 2007

Please don't make every phone call an interrogation. Why some people insist on calling to relentlessly ask questions for 20 or more minutes and considering that a pleasant conversation I'll never know.
posted by safetyfork at 2:43 PM on October 20, 2007

Immediately renovating every room in the house and turning their bedrooms into offices can give the impression that you just couldn't wait to have them gone.
posted by moonlet at 4:51 PM on October 20, 2007

My mom was so irritated with me when I moved out of the house to my first apartment after college. She thought I could have saved money for a few years and use it for a down payment. However, she said her piece. Once. Then she bought me plates, a comforter and sheet set, cleaning stuff...etc. She showed me support, even when she disagreed.
posted by beachhead2 at 7:09 PM on October 20, 2007

Go visit your 22 y.o., at least... if you don't visit him, don't bitch and moan about never seeing him.

My parents rarely visited me in college. At the time, I chalked it up to living 6 hours away from home. When I moved to a major city two years ago two hours away from my mom and dad, my parents never visited me. My father visited the city every couple of months on business, but NEVER called me up to ask if I would be available for dinner or drinks while I lived there. Instead, Mom and Dad would be ultra-offended if I didn't come home for the weekend every month or so. dhskshsk!
posted by princesspathos at 8:49 PM on October 20, 2007

i moved out on my own about a year ago, and i have to say that my mom and dad have been completely awesome through all of it. it sounds like from your follow up that you're doing a great job.. definitely keep the goodies/money/necessities coming. that's one of the things that i most appreciate about my mom, she is always sending me food or taking me out to buy a new pair of pants. it really means a lot.

as long as you're being smart about the mail thing, and not like the above poster (letting his bills sit without being paid is ridiculous) but i'd say at least throw away the obvious junk.. if i were on the receiving end, i'd start wondering why i was getting ads or obvious credit card apps from you.

visits are nice when they're low pressure.. dinner or something. and don't beg for them, make it casual. i love seeing my parents, but if i had my mom calling me all the time asking me to hang out with her i'd get a little tired of it. i just spent a weekend at her house, but it was the first time she went out and asked me to in... well, ever. so it was nice instead of seeming like she was trying to hold on to me. i hope that makes sense.

and of course, keep loving them and telling them that :)
posted by sherber at 10:07 PM on October 20, 2007

I'm a 19 year old here, and I'm going to step a little bit out of the norm here and say that a just-to-say-hi phone call every two weeks or every month or so is nice, even if you have been communicating through email (although especially if you haven't). If the kid doesn't want to talk about what's going on with him/her, give the digest of what's been happening at home (we STILL have some of those dried tomatoes from this summer, the dog's actually getting along with the cat, etc.). This sort of call, especially while in a not-exactly-a-stable-home-environment, can be nice to hear around stressful times. I know that I sometimes just...wouldn't think of calling home because i'm super busy, and keep putting it off, and before you know it it's midterms and life's insane and you kind of forget a world exists outside of this crazy stressful environment until mom calls to see what's going on.

Which happened to me this past week, and then she bought me a ticket home for the weekend, so I guess I'm a little biased. It's always nice to know there's someone (or a few someones) who love you and miss you and would love to see you.
posted by mismatched at 10:41 AM on October 21, 2007

I'm 20 and I go to school very far from home. My parents have been pretty awesome in general (but I went to boarding school so they've had time to adjust), but probably the only thing I could live without is that my mom will call me every week to complain about how I am not in touch with her enough. Instead of talking about what's going on in our lives, I end up presenting an impassioned defense of why I didn't write her enough emails during the week. Sometimes my parents will ask me stuff about my boyfriend or other personal stuff that I don't necessarily want to discuss with them, but they also make it clear that they are just making sure I am ok, and so they don't push for information. People are different, some love to talk about their relationships with their moms- I definitely don't, but I still appreciate that they let me know that if I did have a problem, they are interested in helping me with it.
posted by Oobidaius at 2:21 PM on October 21, 2007

If you think something isn't a wise decision, ask for an explanation instead of demurring immediately. Example: I tell my folks about a planned trip to Mexico. My dad comes out with "I don't think that's a good idea. And wouldn't you rather go someplace nice?" No, he didn't mean to sound provincial and dickish, it was a gut reaction to someplace he knew absolutely nothing about. Once we got back to where we should've started, "Huh, what's in Mexico?" we had a lovely chat.

Similarly, my dad's method of trying to make small talk at times is to give me long lectures about incredibly mundane details of essentially housekeeping or basic common sense. I don't need to be instructed as to when to turn the heat on and how to change the direction of the fans. (I'm 33 and own a house, for the love of god.)

You and your kids are going to remember aspects of their childhood differently. A minor disagreement that you have long since forgotten was a defining moment in their developing psyches. Conversely, a hard-fought struggle that lasted for much of their formative years is a blip in their memory. This is how memory works. But evidence of this dissonance can be hurtful, especially at just the wrong moment, when you try to pull a comforting "I took care of you when you were little" moment and inadvertently mock the Worst Thing Ever. No need to walk on eggshells, but sometimes consider shifting gears quickly if the mood of the conversation is going south fast.
posted by desuetude at 8:25 AM on October 22, 2007