Coffee of DOOM

October 17, 2007 7:55 AM

Ok, so I invited the girl I'm interested in to coffee... she said yes... we have a time... Help me make it not a total disaster.

I'm nervous about this. I haven't really done a lot of first date type stuff before (Not that I really consider it a date-date. Just a term). All I really know about her is we go to the same specalised school, and she seems smart. What to talk about? How? How do I come across as not being horridly nerdy? How do I present my D&D playing, game loving, Monty Python quoting, anime watching, sci-fi reading, semi-employed self as a good thing?

And before you ask, the worst that can happen is the screaming and the fire and the blood and the ambulances, like that one time before this. ...dont ask :)

posted by Jacen to human relations (44 comments total)

Be yourself, and don't put down your interests, better she find out the truth sooner rather than later.
posted by zeoslap at 7:58 AM on October 17, 2007

All I really know about her is we go to the same specalised school, and she seems smart.

How do I present my D&D playing, game loving, Monty Python quoting, anime watching, sci-fi reading, semi-employed self as a good thing?

I think you've already solved your own problem. You're not there to present yourself. You're there to find out more about her, because you don't know much yet. Listen sincerely and with interest, and you are guraranteed an ambulance-free first date experience.
posted by escabeche at 8:00 AM on October 17, 2007

Ah, so you're saying that you have a steady group of friends who share your interests who you meet with regularly, you're self-motivated and you have an interest in other cultures. Oh, and you know how to pick up a book from time to time.

I think you'll do fine, just be confident in who you are, and be more willing to find out about her in conversation than talk about yourself. A good rule to follow is that if you think you're talking too much, you're usually probably doing fine since you're concerned.
posted by mikeh at 8:03 AM on October 17, 2007

Um, speaking as a semi-nerdy girl, I find D&D playing, game loving, Monty Python quoting, anime watching, sci-fi reading, semi-employed nerds to be awesomely hot.

Seriously.

Just be calm as possible. If you feel the need to quote something, don't fight the urge. Don't try to wedge it in where the opportunity doesn't present itself. Oh, and ask her about herself. Try to find out about her a bit, and you might find that she has similar interests. Then, the whole thing will seem a lot less scary.
posted by piratebowling at 8:03 AM on October 17, 2007

Maybe she likes D&D playing, game loving, Monty Python quoting, anime watching, sci-fi reading, semi-employed guys!

And as for what to say, in these situations, it is often less about what you say as how you say it. Be confident, happy, enthusiastic. Be interested in her. Whatever you say, say it proudly...of course, within reason.
posted by milarepa at 8:03 AM on October 17, 2007

If it is a total disaster, you shouldn't be hanging out together anyway.

That said, don't be condescending, don't recite movie quotes, buy her coffee, laugh at her jokes, ask her about herself and listen when she talks. Maybe even tell the story of your horrific coffee date, if it's funny.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:03 AM on October 17, 2007

Listen, listen, listen to her. Ask her questions. Be polite. And clean.
posted by docpops at 8:03 AM on October 17, 2007

Try to gauge her interests first, then focus on some common interest that you share. For example, since you like to play games, ask her what games she likes to play. If nothing hits in the realm of games, move on to the books, movies, etc.
posted by breaks the guidelines? at 8:05 AM on October 17, 2007

Think of conversation like a game of catch- don't let the ball drop. If she asks a question, respond, and then ask her a question. In other words, be there in the conversation. Nothing sucks worse than going on a date and feeling a vacuum on the other side of the table.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:05 AM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

...the screaming and the fire and the blood and the ambulances, like that one time before...

Chicks dig excitement.
posted by rokusan at 8:06 AM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

Monty Python quoting- AVOID
semi-employed self- Have a good story around this, as many people consider it a HUGE red flag, as in "you're not reliable".

A good rule to follow is that if you think you're talking too much, you're usually probably doing fine since you're concerned.

Completely disagree. PACE YOURSELF. LISTEN.
posted by mkultra at 8:11 AM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

How do I come across as not being horridly nerdy?


"nerdy" is OK, don't worry -- it's "assholish" that is not OK. listen to what she has to say: listen. don't talk too much, especially if the topic doesn't seem to interest her too much. let her talk about stuff, and don't be afraid to share personal info (where personal is, NOT D&D, NOT Monty Python, NOT anime,etc).

and I know it's tough, but try not to be too nervous -- a bit nervous is OK, but it's not the end of the world. don't act like a tool, be nice, listen to her. you'll be fine.

good luck.
posted by matteo at 8:15 AM on October 17, 2007

Do not quote Monty Python more than once on the first date.

[not pythonist]
posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 8:16 AM on October 17, 2007

Ah, so you're saying that you have a steady group of friends who share your interests who you meet with regularly, you're self-motivated and you have an interest in other cultures. Oh, and you know how to pick up a book from time to time.

This is a good thing to keep in your head. I'm not a RPGer, but I've dated 'em. The gamers who tell me about their game only in terms of the game? Yawn. The gamer whose face lit up when he described how he loves to create stories and characters? <3>
Nthing other suggestions to find common ground and encourage her to share her stories and interests.
posted by desuetude at 8:19 AM on October 17, 2007

Well, if she's seen Sliding Doors, she may find your "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" to be funny/charming. If your goal is a short term "relationship" it doesn't matter what you pretend to be, but if you are interested in keeping the possibility of something more permanent in play, then I advocate being yourself. You don't want to find out that she is something totally different later, do you? And echoing others, don't assume that totally nerdy is a turn-off for everybody.

I also agree with the others in getting her to talk about herself and her interests. That does two things: you learn lots about her and you don't come off as a completely self-centered, self-absorbed, egomaniac.
posted by spock at 8:20 AM on October 17, 2007

What Benjamin Nushmutt said.

Present your nerdy interests as just that: things you enjoy, not things that define you. Don't quote anything too much and work on finding common ground. People love to talk about themselves, so ask her about things that interest her, but do it organically. (In other words, don't show up with a list and follow it to the letter. Encourage discussion and digression, inserting comments and leaving things open so she can talk more. Think of it as an informal job interview where you could, potentially get some sex.)

If she asks about you, answer and follow up with a question of your own.

And don't do any of that pickup artist shit.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 8:20 AM on October 17, 2007

I'd drop the D&D and limit the monty python unless she knows it as well.
posted by jannw at 8:23 AM on October 17, 2007

Listen way more than you talk.
posted by browse at 8:27 AM on October 17, 2007

Do NOT quote bits of tv/movie dialog. Unless she does first, I guess. But really this is a rule that everyone should follow. It's like saying, "Listen to how funny I am because I remember this one funny thing I heard once." And I say this as someone who used to quote a fair bit of the Simpsons myself.

Also, conversation should be a give and take process. Talk about yourself when she asks you questions. But don't forget to ask about her, and do it in a way that follows naturally from whatever was just said.

Good: "...and it's so hard to find a place to park my bike on campus." "Oh, do you ride your bike a lot? Have you been to that one bike shop down on Third?"

Bad: "...and it's so hard to find a place to park my bike on campus." "Oh yeah? So, what kind of career do you want to have when you get out of school?"

It's a conversation, not an interrogation. You may not do either of these, but they're a couple of the common factors that have distinguished dates with cute, nerdy, interesting boys (GOOD!) from dates with pedantic, nerdy, boring boys (BAD!)
posted by MsMolly at 8:29 AM on October 17, 2007

Man, I think you should probably quit playing D&D, drop the video games, get over your Monty Python, anime and sci-fi obsessions, and get a job--only then will you have even the semblance of a shot with this woman.

Or... you can come back down to reality.

You can be yourself. You can talk to her. You can stop feeling like you need to change yourself for someone who you already admit you know nothing about. Most importantly, you can--as everyone has already said--listen.

Stop thinking of your interests as flaws. Stop thinking of yourself and your passions as something to be ashamed of, to hide or to work over. Stop compromising and be confident.

Dress nice. Brush your teeth. Sit up straight. Make eye contact. Have some open-ended questions in mind and just talk to her. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to lose.

If she thinks you're horribly nerdy, would you really want to give up all of your interests for her anyway? Of course not. Be yourself. Be confident. Have fun.
posted by dead_ at 8:43 AM on October 17, 2007

I'd drop the D&D and limit the monty python unless she knows it as well.

Even if she loves Monty Python, she will not want to hear you quote it ad nauseam.
posted by stefnet at 8:44 AM on October 17, 2007

You might consider making it coffee + a walk together (perhaps presented spontaneously). It might help to come up with things to talk about, as you can comment about things that you pass by, and get to know her without interviewing her.

Besides, taking a walk is friggin timeless.
posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 8:51 AM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

Okay - so we have:
- quote Monty Python, don't quote Monty Python, 1 quote of Monty Python
- Listen more, be sure to talk, pace yourself with listening/talking
- Talk about gaming, don't talk about gaming

All that is good advice, because different things appeal to different people. Relax and be yourselves. It's the only way you'll know if you like her and she likes you.

On the first date, be the man you'll be on the tenth date. Be the man you'll be in six months or a year. You'll be a bit nervous on the first date, but be true to who you are.
posted by 26.2 at 8:58 AM on October 17, 2007

Take a deep breath. Realize that she's made of meat, same as you, so don't idolize her /before/ you know anything about her.

Admit to her that you're nervous around new people or are shy -- or whatever you think you are, but don't dwell on it and don't apologise for it.

Keep the first meeting short. Give her a time goal, and leave her wanting more when you depart. Have something nice or interesting to do as an excuse to leave. You don't want her to think she knows everything there is to know about you.

I say the first meeting is mostly to get an idea of what you two should do together next; you're not starting a relationship right there. That comes later.
posted by cmiller at 8:58 AM on October 17, 2007

I agree that you shouldn't quote too much and that you should ask her about herself.

But please, please, please do not get so caught up in listening and thinking you should be listening more that you don't talk at all. You need to get to know *each other* so you need to talk, too. Maybe none of the things you're concerned about will even come up - maybe she will just have come from an interesting class, or you will have just seen a robbery, and THAT is what you'll talk about.

It's okay to be nervous. It's okay to be shy. It's okay to ask a lot of questions. just have fun :)
posted by dpx.mfx at 9:03 AM on October 17, 2007

Can't you try to get some dates before to train? Doesn't matter if you like the girls or not.
Read the Layguide
posted by yoyo_nyc at 9:23 AM on October 17, 2007

If she asks your interests, be upfront. Don't quote anything, but just tell her you're into Monty Python, D&D, anime, and sci-fi. Then ask her interests. If she says similar things, then you guys can go into the dead parrot sketch. But NOT UNTIL then.

Speaking as a geek myself I would totally be into that level of awesomely hot geekiness. She may be too. Don't sell yourself short - geeks come in all shapes and sizes with a wide range of interests.

As far as employment: tell her what you do for a living. If you feel comfortable explaining why you are in a state of semi-employment, go for it. But don't lie. That would make you an asshole and that is by far worse than any "oh crap I'm a geek" scenario you've imagined.

Further tips: buy her cup of coffee (if she allows it). Open the door for her (but don't rush ahead of her to get it). If you go for a walk, you should be the one walking closest to the road. Have a good time and get to know her. And if she isn't feeling the geek factor, oh well.
posted by sephira at 9:26 AM on October 17, 2007

Keep eye contact with her and smile a lot. The rest takes care if itself, trust me.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:47 AM on October 17, 2007

DON'T LOOK AT THE BOOBS
posted by Greg Nog at 9:57 AM on October 17, 2007 [6 favorites]

I would open the conversation with something like, "I am so glad you could make it today. I really was looking forward to meeting you and learning a little bit more about you. Quite honestly, I am a little nervous too so forgive me in advance for any awkwardness that will surely arise."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:09 AM on October 17, 2007

Also keep in mind that getting to know someone isn't necessarily about asking and obtaining the answers to "what is your favorite flavor ice cream" and "what do you want to be when you grow up" (and all the questions in between). Getting to know somebody is in between the lines (or sometimes, linens). Like the "there was no bike parking on campus" example above, the clues to your character lie in which tack you take. If you ask me relevant follow-up questions about my bike, I get to know that you are a caring, attentive guy that is a good conversationalist, which is much more valuable information to convey than the facts about preferences (which also have their merit*). That's where being yourself comes in, and why its so important.

And it's perfectly ok if you don't click, not everybody is going to mesh together in a romantic capacity and that's what you're there to find out.

Also, watch Knocked Up or Stranger Than Fiction for examples of good and bad date experiences.

*I personally feel that facts about preferences (ex. ice cream flavor) are fun questions to ask when peppered about or used to pick up a lull. They can often helpfully lower the intensity of a conversation too. Like the ball/catch example above, a rapid volley on one thread can get intense (like when you're playing Wii tennis and the same pass back and forth has gone on for 8 rounds without any out-of-bounds passes or whatnot). When the ball finally drops after an exciting play, it's nice to pick it back up again with something light and no pressure, and see where it goes.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:24 AM on October 17, 2007

One of my friends, who got married this August, had some pretty keen advice on nerding and girls. Basically, if a girl would dump you if she found out you played D&D/like anime/love Firefly/etc., do you really want to be dating her?

That being said, it's entirely possible to go completely overboard and frighten away an otherwise geek-amiable date. With no offense to my internet brethren, quite a few nerds are painfully lacking in the social skills. While it isn't necessarily the case that anyone who likes nerdy stuff will be a social reject, there's perceived connotation. The key is to demonstrate that you're charming, fun and interesting. Show her that that liking geeky stuff doesn't make you an awkward basement dweller.

As the above have said, listen to her, ask her questions and just be sociable. You can't just listen to her talk on and on without saying anything; that makes you seem boring and uninterested. Be an active listener.

You'd be surprised at the latent nerd that lurks in many girls. I introduced by my internet-savvy, but otherwise not outwardly nerdy, gf to Firefly and she loved it. I discovered that she loves fantasy, and is generally a lot nerdier than I imagined. Had I started our very first date with a conversation about my Athasian halfing druid or how badass Bioshock is, I likely wouldn't have gotten a second date. But by just being myself, being fun and showing her that I liked her, we pretty much instantly clicked and moved in together last month.

Good luck!
posted by Nelsormensch at 10:31 AM on October 17, 2007

Ace your coffee date. First date don'ts. 10 first-date pitfalls, avoided. I tried to pick out the ones geared towards men, but ultimately, your best asset is your focus on her. You're not being interrogated or auditioning for something, or vice-versa. I know it's hard to relax before a date, too, so here's how to calm those pre-date jitters. I work in the dating industry, so I hope these articles help you!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:35 AM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

wow, well coming from a girl who is dating a somewhat closeted D&D playing, anime watching, game playing, sci-fi readinging hot ass man I would tell you to talk about it as it comes naturally. Don't force yourself to tell her these things right away, just do it like you would with anyone else. You have to make sure she likes YOU if you're going to potentially date her.

P.S. I really don't do any of the above and still have lots to talk about with my guy. However, he did not "out" himself on this stuff until after we had been dating a few weeks. But I honestly don't think I would have not dated him if he had.
posted by janelikes at 11:37 AM on October 17, 2007

First of all, don't hang all your hopes on this. Keep in mind that you may very well lose interest in her halfway through the conversation. If that happens, let that be OK. You're both trying each other's company on for size, metaphorically speaking, and if it doesn't fit either of you, don't force yourself into making it fit, and don't assume it's because you did something wrong.

It's not what you like, it's what you are like. Having common interests is relatively unimportant; instead, think about whether you enjoy talking to her and whether she seems genuinely interested in you.

If her interests and yours don't overlap, that's fine, but don't let the conversation linger too long on something that only one of you is truly interested in. If she asks questions about anime or sci-fi, feel free to geek out a little bit, but don't launch into detailed synopses of your top ten films and explain why she must rent them all right this minute. Likewise, you probably wouldn't want to listen to her talking about the minutiae of latchhooking or trout fishing for twenty minutes. Ask her questions, of course, but don't ask too many questions if you don't really care about the answers. If you see the conversation heading into this territory, change the subject with a "What else are you into?"-type question.

So... Ask questions, but do so out of curiosity rather than a need to keep the conversation going. Remember things about her - what she talks about, or if she gives any details in passing like where she's from or if she has siblings. Don't fake knowledge or interest in any topic of conversation if you don't have it, but don't dismiss the subject right off the bat. And try to steer clear of anything that you're not willing to hear an opposing opinion on, whether that's politics, religion, or Life of Brian vs. Holy Grail.

Finally, think about when and how you can end it gracefully, whether it's "I'd love to stay but I have to get back to work" or "Let's go for a walk." If you do really hit it off and decide you want to change venues, make sure you can both walk there comfortably or you can give her a ride.

Good luck, and have fun!
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:52 AM on October 17, 2007

DON'T LOOK AT THE BOOBS

Nah, you can glance at 'em. Boobies are a universally enjoyed gift. Just don't study them like the Zapruder film.
posted by 26.2 at 12:18 PM on October 17, 2007

The biggest thing you can do for yourself is to follow some simple advice that I am sure you have heard before, perhaps printed on the cover of one of your most favourite books.

DON'T PANIC

First dates have this mythogology about them that I believe is counter-productive. If you're worried about impressing her it's going to make you nervous and that will keep your genuine personality from coming through, which will make it hard for you to connect. That's why everyone is telling you to relax and be yourself.

You're going for coffee. This girl will be there. You'll have a conversation, and maybe you'll have a lot in common and there will be a spark which could lead somewhere. Maybe not and that will be that. When you said you don't really consider this a date-date: that's good. Hold on to that feeling because it will keep you relaxed.
posted by PercussivePaul at 12:46 PM on October 17, 2007

Nthing the don't quote Monty Python. Quoting someone else's material doesn't make you funny, it's just lame.
posted by Sar at 6:47 PM on October 17, 2007

Double Nthing the "please don't quote" advice. Quotes can be funny, but it's awkward to be the quote recipient - what do you say after a quote? In my experience, quotes can often bring conversation to a halt - they don't tend to prompt further questions. Also, there's the double-awkwardness if the recipient doesn't recognize the source.
posted by cadge at 6:59 PM on October 17, 2007

yeah, go easy on the Python.

Speaking of quotes, is that a Questionable Content reference I spy?
posted by corvine at 5:56 AM on October 18, 2007

is that a Questionable Content reference I spy?

I saw that too. Jacen, if this is a date with a 'Faye' type, and you still want to go through with it, wear a cup.
posted by sephira at 6:59 AM on October 18, 2007

Damn you damn you I have now spent much of my morning catching up on Questionable Content.
posted by desuetude at 8:37 AM on October 18, 2007

dont think of it as a date, its just meeting someone for coffee. like you'd meet a friend. dont talk about the wierd hehe stuff unless its relevant. talk about normal things.

I have found ppl who wouldnt normally like the things I like are prepared to give it a go if Im dating them. If I reveal it beforehand they see it as reasons not to like me. People often have preconceived ideas about things.


ask her what films she likes, if it isnt scifi you say u like things (that you do like) which are more cross genre than pure sci-fi. And like anime, lots of people who dont even know what anime is, have taken their kids to see Spirited Away.

if it goes like a house on fire then you invite her on a proper date.
posted by browolf at 8:23 AM on October 21, 2007

Monty Python quotes are like underwear. Everyone should have it, but nobody should show it in public.

Wait until the third date.
posted by Sallyfur at 10:52 PM on October 21, 2007