how do I met female

October 16, 2007 11:57 PM

Friends, there is no dignified way of saying this: I'd like advice on how/where to meet girls (in the DC area?), and/or how to signal attraction effectively. (LONG POST)

Yes, I guess I've become one of THOSE askmefi posters.

I'm currently in the Washington DC area. I'm 19, which rules out bars, clubs, etc. I went to a local college last year, but I'm taking time off from college because (a) I couldn't stand the social atmosphere at the college I was attending and (b) I have lost pretty much all of my academic motivation in the past few years. So no college right now either. I've been trying to find a job, but without much luck so far. I'm confident I will get one eventually, though, which might ameliorate the situation somewhat. (Also, I went to a single sex high school, which was a hell of a lot of fun but made meeting girls a little more difficult than usual.)

This lack of places to interact is compounding a problem that I already have, which is apparently a complete ignorance of the laws of attraction, and an inability to recognize attraction or lack thereof.* I've never been in a relationship (or on a date, for that matter!), and there's only been one instance I'm aware of where a girl obviously flirted with me (if I recall correctly, she had just funneled her seventh beer and her boyfriend was standing about five feet away). I've asked a few girls out -- trying to be direct on a couple of occasions and more casual on other occasions -- but the answer has been no each time.

So basically, I can't decide whether (1) I'm missing some obvious piece of information that's crucial to dating, or whether (2) I'm just not meeting enough people. In case it's the second, could you recommend places or activities (particularly those in the Washington area) where I can meet girls of my age? I'm interested in photography, films/filmmaking, anthropology, singing, and soccer, so any activities or groups that emphasize those could be helpful. (Do colleges usually let non-students attend their club meetings?) And if it's the first, I have a feeling there's not much advice you can give me -- I'll probably just have to learn the ropes from trying and failing a few times.

*INTERNET MALE

posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam to human relations (18 comments total)

http://www.fastseduction.com/guide/
posted by jannw at 12:14 AM on October 17, 2007

Read the "seduction guides", but don't memorize them; get an understanding of the idea, but play it by ear. The main useful things are to be aware that women are looking for confidence, status, fun, challenge and security. Try to appear to offer at least some of those. Learn to recognize signs of interest from a woman. Learn to flirt. Learn to make small-talk. Review your style of dress and hair etc.

Don't be a jerk about it, whatever you do. Women are not toys for your amusement, they are real human beings, each as alive and real, with a personality and history and faults and flaws and aspirations and desires, just like yourself. You need practice talking to girls; this is in no way a license to offend any one of them. If you do, apologise, and mean it.

And if it's the first, I have a feeling there's not much advice you can give me -- I'll probably just have to learn the ropes from trying and failing a few times.

Yes. Do that. Go out with mixed-gender groups with the aim of having a good time. Participate actively in conversations that the girls are interested in, and encourage them to participate too. If at the end of the night you had a good time, that was a success. If you spent a fair bit of time talking to an attractive girl--don't force this, by which I mean monopolizing one girl's time, just let it happen--tell her, in a reasonably discreet sort of way, that you enjoyed meeting her, and if she'd like to give you her number, you'd like to see her again. Friends of friends are the most common way of starting relationships.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 12:36 AM on October 17, 2007

At 19, your first priority should be to become a more interesting person, which will expand your social sphere and lead to meeting more women. Trying to become a pick-up artist at 19 is like polishing a turd. Though you may catch some flies.

Spend some time developing your interests without an eye for finding mates. As you grow in competence, confidence, and experience, you'll catch the attention of women sooner than you think. Good luck.
posted by DaShiv at 12:42 AM on October 17, 2007 [12 favorites]

Hear, hear, DaShiv.
posted by kdar at 1:27 AM on October 17, 2007

This is in response to the first three posts:

I in no way wanted to give the impression that I intend to become some sort of Lothario here. That's not my goal (and I seriously doubt it's within my capability anyway). I do think it would be healthy for me to begin engaging the opposite sex in some way (as far as I know, most guys have at least gone on one date by my age, right?) but I really don't know the first thing about doing that.

So no, I have no plans to become a pickup artist or treat girls disrespectfully (although God knows I might end up doing that at some point, given my cluelessness on this subject).

Sorry if I didn't explain myself clearly.
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 2:03 AM on October 17, 2007

OK VMPV ... you did explain yourself clearly ... and the link I posted I posted for a reason ... not so you would become a lothario ... the ASF Guide is a structured bare bones guide to getting out and interacting with women in a pleasing and appropriate way ... which was what you were after, was it not!
posted by jannw at 2:25 AM on October 17, 2007

If you like women and you treat the ones you like as people that you like - ie be friendly, be interested, take the time to put into relationship building/nurturing (not necessarily romantically!), listen when they talk, make plans, etc, you will have plenty of female attention, as well as, most likely, some really good friends. That's a good start.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:29 AM on October 17, 2007

aeschenkarnos writes "The main useful things are to be aware that women are looking for confidence, status, fun, challenge and security"

And above all , woman are looking for people who don't fall prey of generalizations. Everybody, regardless of sex, looks for good and rejects bad. Yet what is good and bad ..or better, what is OK and not OK with depends primarily on the person you are dealing with, gender is irrelevant. Yet definitely, while males are looking for females, femals do look for males..but these are tastes :) , looking for good / avoiding bad is a basic instinct , indipendent from gender.

I'd recommend against the fast seduction crap, as all it often teaches is HOW to pretend to be what you aren't really , making you a lot more miserable than you actually are. Often the point of view taken is that of investments, returns on investment, cutting lost investment, optimizing returns, yelds...while these are arguments and instruments pertaining to economic rational analysis, they are often used from the point of view of profit accumulation and return maximization : suprise surprise, instruments of economy can't just be lifted and used in any context, expecially that of couple personal relationships. Also, example of undesiderable consequences of misappling economic rules can be seen in privatized healthcare, in which the maximization of profits ends up killing humans.

The desensitization suggested by hitting and running from date to date until you "score" has much more in common with compulsive gambling than with investments, and is unlikely to do you any permanent good. Granted, by trial and error you will eventually succeed in obtaining what you want, but your attention should be more on yourself.

My recommendation would be , should your problems seem to persist and make your feel sad, to see a cognitive behavioural psycologist. Additionally, I strongly advise you to avoid religious groups, which are usually more likely to exploit your human weakness than help you help yourself ; also consider that a pro psycologist should help you _gradually_ do without his/her help and not ask you to run to him/her every time you have any problem (which is NOT the same as promising to help you should any problem arise...they are there to help).

Oh and on a minor note...no, psycologist don't help ONLY -crazy- people :) they may help you see your errors and correct some of the _issues_ you may have. That in absolutely NO WAY means that there is something _broken_ within you...but you may be doing something that _doesn't work_ without actually being able to tell.
posted by elpapacito at 6:05 AM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

Join a band, even a bad one. It'll get you out of your shell. When I was in D.C. at your age, going to under-age shows was the funnest thing to do. I'm not particularly gregarious either, but it helps that they are dark and loud and full of freaks.
posted by letahl at 6:08 AM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

Why are you staying in DC? It seems like a pretty boring town for a 19-year-old not in college. Move somewhere else -- Philly, NYC... Or find some cool crazy job involving travel, like being a chimneysweep or something like that.
posted by footnote at 6:45 AM on October 17, 2007

Join a kick-ball league.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:48 AM on October 17, 2007

Can you troll Facebook for club events and groups near a local college and see if you can't worm your way into them? Or see if there are any after-school tutoring programs that cater to college volunteers. Those programs are usually pretty popular among college kids even if they aren't tailored towards recruiting them.

As for talking to women, it helps me (a little bit) if I pretend I'm talking to a man. This is not a perfect technique--flirting works awkwardly in there--but it at least makes me feel a bit more comfortable and puts the "GIRL GIRL OH MY GOD IT IS A WOMAN WOMAN WOOOOO-MAN" freak-out towards the back of my head.
posted by schroedinger at 7:17 AM on October 17, 2007

Yes, please ignore the pick-up artist, fast seduction manuals. They may work, in the sense that some women either see through them enough to the real person inside to forgive you or are stupid enough not to care like you're treating them like a generalization rather than an individual, but all in all... not a good idea. (Also, please stop using "females" as a noun. It's a red flag for a lot of women.)

Also not a good idea? Washington DC. The main thing that spurred my move from Washington was looking around and realizing that if I ever broke up with my then-boyfriend, there would be no one in the city I'd even be interested in becoming friends with, let alone dating. It's not a very social city; everyone networks, few people talk. Which is fine if you're looking for a political campaign funder, less fine if you're looking for human relationships.

If you like the city, then certainly don't move just to find women, but do be aware that part of your bad luck may just be location. And otherwise, I completely agree with DaShiv.
posted by occhiblu at 7:50 AM on October 17, 2007

Seconding Pollomacho,

Get involved in one of the sports leagues on the mall. Kick-ball, softball, they even have pick up soccer (maybe even an organized soccer league?)

Only problem is that generally a lot of the socializing goes down in the bars after the game.

and while you're looking for the perfect job, take something to fill the time and make money... maybe waitering or something that has a social atmosphere.
posted by CAnneDC at 7:51 AM on October 17, 2007

The main thing that spurred my move from Washington was looking around and realizing that if I ever broke up with my then-boyfriend, there would be no one in the city I'd even be interested in becoming friends with, let alone dating. It's not a very social city; everyone networks, few people talk. Which is fine if you're looking for a political campaign funder, less fine if you're looking for human relationships.

Also try to avoid treating an entire city with a generalization founded in limited experience in a small sector of the population. DC is a vast and diverse city with opportunities to meet people of all socio-economic, ethnic and educational backgrounds. While the Hill and Georgetown and by extension the hipsterish sections of town (sliding ever Eastward) may be locales for the upwardly mobile looking to pad a resume as much ruffle a mattres pad, this is not true for the whole of the Chocolate City. If you are finding yourself stuck in a rut, why not go hang out in a new part of town? Sick of Third Edition? Grab a bite at Colonel Brooks. U street no longer "edgy" and "urban" enough for you any more? Check out upper Georgia Avenue or U street SE!

DC is far too large and diverse to ever get stuck in one thing. Besides, there's always the Marc train to Baltimore.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:03 AM on October 17, 2007

You sound pretty socially isolated and as such youre probably not meeting people on a regular basis through typical social activities. I think youre a pretty good candidate for online dating. Maybe you should just write out a honest description of yourself on DC's craigslist.

I do think that being unemployed and out of school at 19 is a huge red flag. Perhaps you can put this on the back-burner until you've sorted out your life somewhat. Put yourself in the mind of the girl you are trying to meet. What would she think of you right now? What do you have to offer her compared to other guys?

I've always had the feeling that once you get your life on track and start developing in a more rounded and interesting person that its very easy to meet members of the opposite sex.

It sounds like you are trying to go from 0-60 in a millisecond. You should start slow. Join a social group. A religious group. Bookclub. whatever. Slowly begin moving into whatever social circles you can get into. Decide what you should be doing with your education and work. etc. These changes will most likely introduce you to all sorts of people.
posted by damn dirty ape at 8:18 AM on October 17, 2007

Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam writes "I do think it would be healthy for me to begin engaging the opposite sex in some way (as far as I know, most guys have at least gone on one date by my age, right?) but I really don't know the first thing about doing that."

Sometime, you will be surprised to learn, dating doesnt look like "movie dating" at all. Actually in movies actors tend to exagerate their emotions to make them more visibile and the director is also doing his "magic" to let the date look more romantic, more colorful and engaging.

Yet I believe you start dating a girl exaclty the very moment you start talking with her. And it goes on and on ; over time the relationship may evolve, become more intimate, destroy itself, restart or whatever.

Pesonally I do hate the simplification train 1. meet girl 2. date girl 3.fuck girl 4.marry girl 5.kid with girl 6. cheat on girl 7. leave girl ...rinse and repeat. These are just possible STAGES in any relationship, some of which can go on for years. Some last one year. Some don't even start !

Yet, as you said, you tought that most boy your age already date, and therefore I guess you think you are behind schedule ! Dude, it is NOT a fucking train ! Even if half the population at this time had smoked crack, that wouldn't make your delaying in smoking crack BAD just because you are late. Similarly, even if half the pop had a date, that doesn't mean that you should be worried about dating and that dating is BAD or SCARY because you are late.

Yet it seems you are little anxious because "you don't know the first thing about dating"...but as I said, dating is more about getting to know more people than getting to bring a girl X to location Y and offer her an ice cream, as in romantic movies.

Dashiv was poiting out , correctly, that you shouldn't be focusing too much on getting the girl, but what he didn't say is that to do that you should first stop worrying about getting A DATE, otherwise when you end up dating you'll probably freak out thinking "OMG I am dating ! What should I say/do/eat ?".

Work on that first ! Get comfortable around people, any people ! (that doesn't mean becoming the clown center of attention, that's acting..) ....then dating will be the most entertaining activity as it has in itself the promise of feeling well and connecting deeply with someone and , why not, do some fine fucking/lovemaking/whateveryoucallit.
posted by elpapacito at 9:13 AM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Why don't you try online dating. It eliminates the biggest issue in approaching a girl, whether she is actually on the market. Also, when you initiate online you know there is already some interest on both sides.

I understand that being 19 and having little to no experience must be intimidating, as though there is something wrong with you somehow. While you might think that now, as you gain a little more perspective and confidence you will see that its not the case, and you are just where you are, no right and no wrong. And THIS is the attitude you want when dating, that you just are who you are, she is who she is and what happens will happen or not. Honestly, that is the the complete truth about the situation. Anything else is just throwing shoulds and make believe into the equation, which always turns bad.
posted by blueyellow at 9:51 AM on October 17, 2007