Stop the Butterflies!

October 16, 2007 11:51 AM

So he's younger, I'm older. We are good friends.. we have fun.. but I find myself falling in love with him. There are many reasons to not let myself do it, so how do I stop those butterflies?

We go to lunch together, we go to happy hours together.. we work together (in the same building but not same group). But I find myself gravitating to him , and him to me..

There are so many reasons not to let it happen.. the age difference (16 years) is too much for me to comprehend.. (he's 30).

I think there are feelings on his part too, but I'm not sure. Do relationships like that truly work out?

posted by TerraM to human relations (23 comments total)

(Man, I had to reread that - first thought was "um, you're 14??! NO IT WON'T WORK OUT. Heh.)

Standard advice for not falling in love: stay away from the person. Don't go to happy hour, don't go to lunch, don't see each other outside of work. You can't spend quality time together and not bond? Then quit it with the quality time.

That being said... it's not like he's 14 and you're 30. You may well be in similar stages of life and be perfectly compatible - or you may not. It's not a definite no at that age range, I'd say. You may well have lots of reasons to cool things down, but the age difference doesn't have to be one of them.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:58 AM on October 16, 2007

46 / 2 + 7 = 30

He's just inside your dateable range :)

If he's game.. go for it!
posted by utsutsu at 12:03 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

The standard creepiness rule is: don't date under (age/2) + 7. If you're 46, your acceptable minimum is, in fact, 30.

You can do it. If he balks, show him the equation. It's science.
posted by danb at 12:03 PM on October 16, 2007 [12 favorites]

GET OUT OF MY BRAIN
posted by danb at 12:03 PM on October 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Your age difference alone isn't a reason to try to curb your interest in this man. But without knowing what your other "many reasons not to let it happen" are, there's no way to give any decent advice here.
posted by amro at 12:05 PM on October 16, 2007

If you are hellbent on not starting something, you MUST stop going to happy hour. Happy hour is the crucible where crushes become flings and flings become things.
posted by milarepa at 12:10 PM on October 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

What are the REAL reasons you don't think you should date him? Make a list. How many of them are about what you think a relationship "should" be like and how many are about what you really need and value in a relationship. A simple age difference is just one of those cultural "shoulds" that you can safely ignore. However, you feel like you are at very different stages in your life (you want to settle down, have a family and he wants to travel the world or move to a new city every year) then you have a real issue that he probably isn't the right person to meet your needs.
posted by metahawk at 12:26 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I used to have a long-term girlfriend who was 18 years older than me, and it worked out really well. The age difference is only a problem if you want it to be a problem.
posted by cmonkey at 12:27 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you are hellbent on not starting something, you MUST stop going to happy hour. Happy hour is the crucible where crushes become flings and flings become things.

Yep. If you choose to spend a lot of time not required for your job with a co-worker -- lunches together, happy hours together -- you are making it more and more likely that either you will end up in a relationship, or one person will get all crushy and unhappy and conflicted, making working with the other person much harder.

I'm your age, and I have to admit that 30 feels a bit young for me, too, equations be damned. However, if you're extraordinarily well matched otherwise, why not go for it? Getting involved with a single 30 year old co-worker should be no worse than getting involved with a single co-worker in his 40s. Any workplace romance carries some risks. But as metahawk says, make a list of all the other reasons. The age difference may just be a quick and easy excuse when it's other factors that are making you hesitant.
posted by maudlin at 12:37 PM on October 16, 2007

I've never heard of that creepiness calculation before, but it feels off to me. I'm 41 and -- assuming it was all the info I had -- I'd feel comfortable dating anyone from 30 on up. And I'm pretty sure I'll still feel that way when I'm 50.

I don't want to date someone who is still living with her parents or just getting over living with her parents; I don't want to date someone who is still a "college student" (I don't mean that literally. I mean the "stay up all night, party" phase.)

I want to date someone who has spent several years living independently, has worked at a real job, etc.

To me, pretty much everyone between 30 and 50 (at least) fits nicely into this "grown up" category.

I may feel the same way when I'm 60 or 70, but I'm less sure of that. I think there are some new issues that tend to come up during that stage of life, and I'll want to be with someone that shares them.
posted by grumblebee at 12:52 PM on October 16, 2007

I'm 37. My wife is 52. We've been married 11 years. Yes, it can work.

We do sometimes have concerned regarding when she's 82 and I'm 67, but that's a long way from now.
posted by tcv at 1:22 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think there are feelings on his part too, but I'm not sure. Do relationships like that truly work out?

I think you will be saving yourself some major heartbreak by not getting romantically involved with him if you're concerned with the long-term potential of the relationship (a fling would be fine). The age difference is just too great, and the gap would continue to expand over the next ten or twenty years.

It is unlikely that a 39 year old guy would be satisfied with a 55 year old woman. Same for a 44 year old guy and 60 year old woman. A 44 year old guy is likely to feel sexual unfulfilled with a 60 year old woman, when he could plausibly be dating 30 year old women.

This is not to be a naysayer, but it's based on my observations of typical people in the sexual marketplace.
posted by jayder at 1:23 PM on October 16, 2007

It is unlikely that a 39 year old guy would be satisfied with a 55 year old woman.

I am not sure that is necessarily true, but it is potentially an issue. The fact that you are basically beyond child bearing age may also be an issue for a long term relationship. However, I think you should let things go as they may and worry about the long term issues later.
posted by caddis at 1:29 PM on October 16, 2007

I'm 30. I've been seeing rather more of my best friend for several months. She's 55. It's all good though, at times, she's somewhat more worried than I am.

She really is my best friend though. And we've known each other for some time, though not before I would consider myself and 'adult'. We still do the best friend things and see each other more intimately when we can.

When you love someone that much it rally doesn't matter what shape they come in, what the minor nuisances are. Doesn't mean there aren't the moments of doubt or the complications. I'm not really sure what's going to happen in the future, there are certainly hurdles to jump yet.

It's very very good, but could never have happened without having been such good friends first.
posted by mce at 1:33 PM on October 16, 2007

This is not to be a naysayer, but it's based on my observations of typical people in the sexual marketplace.

And a complete lack of understanding of the difference in male and female (average) sexual peaks. So you've got that figured in as well.

Do relationships like that truly work out?

Relationships where two people like each other and like being together? Yes they do. Like someone said above, the "so many reasons not to let it happen" is the missing info here: do you mean more:

1. I feel like it won't work and thus don't want to take a chance.

OR

2. I'm a prison guard, he's doing life for a crime they don't even have a label for

My rule of thumb in life is this: what's the worst that could happen? Here, I suppose, the worst is you've read the situation wrong and it makes work more uncomfortable. No one here can tell you it's going to work, but the sum of human experience on the subject seems to lean in the "Better to have loved and lost" direction. Whatever temporary uncomfortableness this might generate, I'd think it would pale in comparison to the "What might have beens" years from now.
posted by yerfatma at 2:05 PM on October 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

The work thing would bother me a lot more than the age thing, and I'm 44. Work things get sticky awfully fast and there's no escape when they do. Or at least, so I hear, since I tend to work in arts nonprofits and there are never any eligible men around. But if you really like the guy, you know, it might be worth getting to know him better before you put the brakes on just because you think he's "too young."

Like mce, I have a, um, best friend. He's 21. We get along damn well. Things are good when we're in the same town. When we're not, which is most of the time lately, well, okay. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future and I'm not worrying about it too much. Sure, I freak out about it sometimes but not, oddly enough, when we're actually together, because then, quite frankly, we're usually having too much fun. Look. He's an adult. Would you, at 30, have been able to make up your own mind as to whether you thought a 46 year old man was attractive or not, regardless of some weird societal stricture about age? Sure you would. He can too. If you like him, like him for him and forget about how old he is.
posted by mygothlaundry at 2:11 PM on October 16, 2007

It is unlikely that a 39 year old guy would be satisfied with a 55 year old woman.

This is ignorance speaking. Do not listen.

Based on your question as stated, the answer is stop doing those fun things with him. If you want a more comprehensive answer involving the possibility of a relationship, you have to provide more information. What is there besides the age difference, which in and of itself is not a big deal?
posted by languagehat at 2:23 PM on October 16, 2007

Been there, done that. It was a wild ride for about 2 years but then he moved on to a marriagable woman. At the time I was sort of crushed but 8 years on, I don't care one way or the other. And I can't stand being married so I knew there was no hope. It was fun, though. A LOT of fun. Read into that what you will...
posted by andreap at 2:30 PM on October 16, 2007

FWIW, my best friend--a handsome, attractive, well adjusted, intelligent dude--never showed the slightest interest in a woman that wasn't 15 years his senior.
posted by Crotalus at 2:49 PM on October 16, 2007

Well, you can think about your feelings differently. Currently, you are thinking about these thoughts in a continum. That is they are all linked and constitute "my feelings about younger dude."

But that is, in fact, an unstated choice you are making.

Think about viewing these thoughts as episodes, as in, "oh here comes that feeling of attraction to younger dude."

A funny thing might happen when you do that. You might find that those feelings are actually linked to some other problem--that is you are trying to avoid thinking about something else, or when you are in an anxiety-creating situation, you move to thoughts of younger dude to help manange the anxiety.

If that happens, just focus on the problem at hand and you will find these feelings decreasing.


But, if you want to know if relationships like that "work out" well, the answer is sometimes, for a period of time, until they end, like all relationships do. If there are other parties involved or employment entanglements, the likelihood of them ending sooner rather than later is higher.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:27 PM on October 16, 2007

I have a family member that married a woman who is 13 years older than him - they have been married for 8 years and are very happy for the most part. The only problem that they have is with regards to kids (they have never had any because she thinks she's too old.) I say that if you really like that person, go for him! There are so many things that make a relationship work, apart from age.
posted by emilyv at 6:01 PM on October 16, 2007

I think the child bearing thing is probably much bigger for most guys than a few years, even 15 if the woman is attractive. Personality, compatibility, shared experiences, etc. are all far more important than outright youth and beauty as you get older.

We all hear about or know some forty some year old and older guys who go for women 15 years younger. Frankly most of these guys are looking for passivity as much as they are youth and beauty. They want someone who will not challenge them, do things their way. Fine, spend the money, yada yada, but don't challenge their authority. Yes, I am criticizing it, but I certainly understand it. I think a woman who has a brain is much more enticing than a lapdog woman. It's not just sexy looks, it's something else, even for the guys who let the little guy do all the thinking.

So depending on the guy, age need not be an issue, certainly not if a 30 year old is comfortable with a woman 15 years his senior Of course those feelings could change later, or midlife crisis could cause a change of heart, but I think those things are over hyped by the media. If a guy loves a woman at thirty he can love her fifteen years later, no matter what she looks like.

Now also, depending upon the guy, child bearing need not be an issue either. Some men feel no need to procreate, but the urge gets pretty strong as people enter their thirties, certainly more so for women as the cut off time is much more concrete, but even guys know that if they don't do it then they may never. If it matters this can produce strong behaviors. One guy I knew became so frustrated with his wife's inability to bear a child that he had an affair with a trainer at the gym and then had the audacity to tell his wife, who amazingly had agreed to stay with him despite his peccadillo's, that he wanted to have joint custody of this love child. Now, it might just have been nothing more than the error in judgment that he claimed, but I think that at least subconsciously he needed to know that his boys could swim. I am not saying your guy would do something this weird, but the children issue would need to be explored very, very carefully before making any long term commitments.
posted by caddis at 6:34 PM on October 16, 2007

You are asking two different questions. The answer to the second is, yes, sometimes they work out.

The answer to the first, is stop acting like you're in some sort of romantic tragedy. You are not falling in love, you have a crush because you keep flirting with this dude and he's kinda cute. If you want to stop the crush, stop the flirting. To stop the flirting, stop the recreational time together.

Or, you could simply ask him out. That usually stops the kind of hopeless-romantic crush that you seem to be nursing, and sometimes even leads to a nice, real romance.
posted by sondrialiac at 7:37 PM on October 16, 2007