How do you know if you're ready?

October 15, 2007 12:43 PM

What is your test for knowing when you're over your last relationship and ready for the next one?

I'm 7.5 months past breakup with someone I dated for 3 years, lived with for 2, and was engaged to marry. (And fwiw, I'm 31 and had had a number of shorter term relationships before that.) I've been dating on and off since and (of course) with each passing week feel better and better about my current situation and my future. I have begun to wonder though when I'll know whether I'm really over my ex and ready to begin a relationship with someone new. I have a feeling that most of the answers will somehow approximate "when you're ready, you'll know" and/or "if you have to ask yourself if you're really over your ex, you're not". What I'm wondering is if you'd be willing to share more concrete questions of assessment that you've found helpful in determining this issue for yourself. Is it a minimum number of dates with a person before you feel compelled to discuss your relationship history? Some equation relative to time spent in last relationship vs. time since it ended? I know none of this is exact, but I'm hoping to get a few metrics that could help me pinpoint where I'm at, beyond being overcome by a sense of just "knowing". This question has been put to me recently and although I think I'm ready, it's become clear that I'm not completely sure. Thanks!

posted by smallstatic to human relations (30 comments total)

A friend of mine once said that however long you were in a relationship, that is how long it takes to get completely over it.
posted by ND¢ at 12:45 PM on October 15, 2007

You are ready for a relationship when you are with someone you want to be in a relationship with. Without someone to be in a relationship with, how could you otherwise be "ready"?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:47 PM on October 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

Does it really matter if you're ready or not? Like TPSH said if there is someone you want be with then you're ready, and if not then it's moot.
posted by zeoslap at 12:49 PM on October 15, 2007

When you aren't so mad or upset about what happened, and you are kinda disassociated with it and view what happened as more of a curiosity and something that happened to someone you used to be as opposed to someone you still are.

It's a run-on sentence, but that's how you know. The memory is kinda foggy and distant, like it wasn't really you at all.

It doesn't sound like you're ready, but that doesn't mean you can't develop friendships in the meanwhile, even if not have a serious relationship.
posted by letahl at 12:50 PM on October 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

For me, I think "ready" implies that I have actively worked to find meaning in both the previous relationship and its end, and that I have done work to integrate those meanings into my life and self-image. I know why I dated my ex, why we broke up, how my behavior contributed to whatever problems we have, and I'm comfortable with all those choices and behaviors being part of me. I also know how I want future relationships to be different and have at least a sort-of plan in place for working toward that goal.

Basically, whenever I'm intellectually and emotionally convinced that the new relationship will be neither a repeat of, nor an unthinking reaction to, the last one.
posted by occhiblu at 12:51 PM on October 15, 2007 [8 favorites]

I realized I was over my ex-wife when we went out to dinner together and I felt nothing more than a vague interest in her work life. We discussed local politics. As a "date", I would give it a 3.7 on a scale of 10. After that, I was confident that I was over her. Also, saw her later with her new guy, felt that he was somehow familiar. It illicited no noticeable emotional response. I wish her the best - probably wouldn't hire her. I guess that's how I know.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 12:51 PM on October 15, 2007

ThePinkSuperhero - I hope this doesn't sound too sassy, but there seem to be a large number of people out there who prefer you to be in pre-qualified ready status in the early stages of dating. There is a time when you're getting to know someone when you're assessing how much time you want to put into it and whether to call "next!". And while you could really like each other, if one's still not over their ex, you could be in for a really rough ride. Which means you get asked the question 'are you over your ex'. And it would be great to have a 'ready' answer.
posted by smallstatic at 12:52 PM on October 15, 2007

After I ended a 8 year relationship (the last 2 of it a marriage) a fried gave me some really good advice: "You are never over you last relationship until you have started your next real one." He encourage me to get out of the house and date. I did have a couple of short rebound (it was like a club, they were rebound relationships for them as well: very helpful for all concerned) relationships, but I didn't really think I was over my old one until I started my next "serious" relationship. Without something new to replace it, the mind likes to dwell on what it is missing. I'm sure every one is different, but it really seemed spot on for me.

This makes me think that we should have a rebound only dating service. Could make a mint.
posted by cftarnas at 12:55 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

ThePinkSuperhero - I hope this doesn't sound too sassy, but there seem to be a large number of people out there who prefer you to be in pre-qualified ready status in the early stages of dating.

I know what you mean, but I think you're overthinking it. If you're open to the idea of "having a relationship" (what a vague and stupid phrase), then you're ready. You don't owe anyone a detailed explaination of your dating past, because in the end, it really doesn't matter- things are either going to work out or they're not. Let who you are speak for itself; if you're over your ex, it'll show. Don't allow other people to push you around to fit into their boxes.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:01 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Two guidelines:

#1: You're ready for the next relationship when you meet someone with whom you discover that you want to have a relationship, and your thoughts are not peppered with comparisons between this person and your ex;

#2: You're ready for the next relationship when you no longer do this:

I'm 7.5 months past breakup with someone I dated for 3 years...

That is, when you stop counting the days. 7.5 months, indeed.
posted by davejay at 1:09 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

In contrast to ND¢, my rule has always been half the time you were with someone is how long is takes to completely get over them.

This doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being ready for a new relationship, however, as you can be going out with someone but still not be completely "over" the last one.
posted by awesomebrad at 1:09 PM on October 15, 2007

Presumably this wasn't in fact just "a relationship" but someone you loved. For better or worse, I think NDC may have it: at least 3 years in your case; and that's even if you do meet someone great before that.
posted by londongeezer at 1:10 PM on October 15, 2007

Are you "ready" to be diagnosed with a crippling disease? Are you "ready" to be hit by a bus while crossing the street? Of course you are, as ready as anyone else would be. If not, you better not leave the house.

You're always ready for the next relationship. At all moments, you are still you, capable of choosing your experiences and deciding what kind of person you want to be. Thinking you must cross some imaginary milestone before you're "ready" to proceed is self-infantilization.

So, buck up, throw down and get into the mix.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:16 PM on October 15, 2007 [9 favorites]

I have to get on the bandwagon with TPS. Finding someone new that you're interested in can have the happy side effect of helping you get over the last relationship.

It took me a long time to get over my ex. And arguably, I wasn't over her 100% when I started dating the woman I'm now married to (and I was very conscious of that at the time, and discussed it with her). I'm glad I didn't wait.

Rent the movie Swingers. It illustrates the point perfectly.
posted by adamrice at 1:16 PM on October 15, 2007

I had a computer science professor who once illustrated a point with the statement "never test for an error condition you can't handle." As a generic statement it makes a good life guide, I think - if we could give you a magic box that you could press a button on and it would light up a lamp red for NOT READY and a green one for READY.... what good would that do you?

Certainly there's exceptions to this - you should be mindful enough of your own heart not to get involved in something long and painful for all involved because you can't trust your impulses. You shouldn't be so damaged you can't be yourself. But I would contend that by the point where you'd questioning that perhaps you are 'ready' - meaning capable of conducting a relationship without being a complete jerk or needy wreck - then the reasonable thing to do is just go out there and date.

Certainly smallstatic is right that some people would like you to be 'ready' and 'pre-qualified' but you could fill the ocean with the list of traits people would like their partners to already have when they met... and you'd still have plenty of things left to toss in when you fill the depths. Life and relationships with other humans don't work that way. We all come with our own prior damage and issues and you have a successful relationship by working through them with each other. Holding yourself to the bar of being completely prepared and ready to be the un-flawed partner is just unachievable.

If you're setting that goal because you don't want to get into something that would otherwise succeed if you didn't have those issues right now, stop worrying about it - you are who you are in this instant, it's not like abstaining for a day/week/month/year makes you any different in the right now. You won't be able to come back to the now later, When You're Ready. Date and if you have the impulse to start a relationship, start it.
posted by phearlez at 1:23 PM on October 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

I think you're over the last relationship when you can contemplate the idea of running into your ex out with his or her date and be ok with it. When you look at that relationship and where you are now without anyone else and would rather be where you are now than back in that relationship.

I don't actually think the old "get over them by getting under someone else" saw has much to do with it. I think it's possible to start dating someone while getting over your ex, but I don't think the new relationship is what causes the recovery. I think it's a process that happens on its own.

The "standard" timetable that everyone always talks about is 1/2 the time you were with someone. This could be longer for some, and shorter for others, depending on whether you were the dumpee, or the dumper (who presumably had more time while still in the relationship to start distancing themselves.)
posted by MsMolly at 1:27 PM on October 15, 2007

I think when it doesn't fundamentally interfere with your new relationship or dating. As in you aren't in constant contact with the ex, you don't freak out when someone you are dating does something your ex used to do, you don't compare them constantly to your ex, and you aren't madly trying to avoid any sort of commitment (I know guys that won't even say they are non exclusively dating a girl, don't be that guy).
posted by whoaali at 1:31 PM on October 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

Every relationship is a unique radioactive isotope with its own half-life. Detecting the presence of any remaining traces is difficult, as symptoms may linger well past the presence of the actual element. Excessive testing for the presence of the isotope can result in false positives.

You'll know you're ready when you go out with someone new and it doesn't feel wrong. It's not necessarily the new person that does it, it's your willingness to try new things.

Additionally, brisk rodgering can have remarkable therapeutic qualities.
posted by wemayfreeze at 1:33 PM on October 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

My test is to walk around and picture running into the ex on the street. Does that idea make you feel like throwing up? Vaguely uncomfortable? No effect at all?
posted by rmless at 1:52 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

When you meet someone new and don't immediately compare that person to your ex, you are ready.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:57 PM on October 15, 2007

It sounds simplistic, but I knew I was over my most serious ex when he got married and it didn't bother me. Several years had passed since we had broken up and I'd dated many people since him, but that realization was the final indicator for me that I was done grieving and really ready to engage with someone else.

When you can picture your ex marrying someone else and it doesn't feel like a lead weight is crushing your chest, you're golden.
posted by hollisimo at 2:22 PM on October 15, 2007

Rules that rely on some formula comparing the length of a previous relationship with the length of time since it ended are not going to remain useful very long. They may work as rules of thumb during the college years and perhaps into your 20s, but once the dating pool is made up of people like the OP, who have been in long-term very serious relationships that can last many years, the rule is really practically untenable. Someone who was married for sixteen years, for instance, usually does not need eight years to get over that relationship. If they did, it would be awfully dull out here in 30- and 40-land (and it's not).

I've met people who have not gotten over yearlong relationships even after a five-year span of time, and people who have been ready to move on to a new relationship not even one year after breaking off an engagement. It's not the time that has passed, exactly, as much as the work that has been done - the kind of work occhiblu mentions in her comment.

TPS also makes some good points, but there is a degree of deliberation in deciding whether to put yourself on the dating market or not, so just waiting to be with someone isn't always going to work out. Sometimes there has to be a conscious decision to put yourself out there, especially if you're older and don't travel with a social set of all singles and more fluid couples. In those cases, it's well worth it to really examine whether you've really done the work it takes to understand why the past relationship didn't go the distance, and why you won't repeat the same set of conditions and experience another similar result. But it would be hard to put a specific time on that. I think there's a predictable grieving process which might be three months or six or a year, depending on the number of life changes the breakup brought, the intensity of the breakup, etc. And after the grieving is done, the work is still there to be done, and how long that takes depends on things like: how much work is there? how much time do you have to reflect on it? how much support do you have? what other life crises are going on?

It's easy to think you're ready when you're not, quite, and rebound relationships are made of that stuff sometimes. But don't be afraid of rebounds if you really want to bring a relationship into your life. When you start dating again after a long hiatus, you don't always really know what you want - you're at a different stage of life than you were, you might surprise yourself with the ways your wants and reactions are different, and every person presents a different set of attributes. It may take some attempts to hone in on what works for you, but it's not always a miserable process. Rebound relationships can be very healing and confidence-building.
posted by Miko at 2:22 PM on October 15, 2007

I send myself a FutureMe.org email for four months out, six months out, and then a year out. I randomly select the day and time and forget about it - when I receive these emails, if I cry, I'm not ready to move on. If I don't, I'm ready. It sounds weird, but if my past self asking my present self if I'm ready is what it takes, that's what it takes.

I might get flogged for this statement, but I stand by it: Rebounds can be the self-esteem boost that might be needed to seriously return to the dating scene. Just be honest.
posted by banannafish at 2:30 PM on October 15, 2007

You can't put a number on this and we, complete strangers, certainly can't put one on for you. If you're not sure, you're not ready, which is fine, because most people aren't "ready" to have kids and they have'em anyway and things work out well. Simply because you're not ready for this new relationship doesn't mean it can't be a good one.

If someone is pushing you to make a definitive yes or no, black and white statement, I'll wager that they're not ready for YOU.

Good luck.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:33 PM on October 15, 2007

I think it's when you're contented with your life as it is now, happy to spend time with yourself, able to think of your ex kind of as an acquaintance you've lost touch with (rather than as some kind of tragedy or evildoer), not lonely. That means you're not just trying to plug some replacement into an empty spot.
posted by FelliniBlank at 2:59 PM on October 15, 2007

mmm, i hate to say it, but there's no metric for this sort of thing. you know when you know. i suppose one way of knowing would be to realize at the end of the date that you had a really good time. or that you didn't compare her to your ex even once. or that you realize you're into your new love for who he/she is, not just because of how well he/she fills that ex-shaped hole in your life.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:17 PM on October 15, 2007

I think another test might be like poking a bruise: how much does it hurt? If you're still thinking about your ex every day, if you feel your insides tangle up when she crosses your mind, you're not ready. If you compare people you meet to her, you're not ready. If everything you do reminds you of her, you're not ready. If you view your life in terms of what you would be doing now if you were still with her, you're not ready.

But if she's not really in your thoughts all that often, if she's not the standard for what potential dates should (or shouldn't) be, if she's not exerting any emotional pull on you, then dip your toe in the dating waters. If it feels right, dive in.
posted by bassjump at 7:26 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

To be honest, I think you are looking to hear that you aren't going to make the same mistakes or get hurt.

Love is making mistakes and getting hurt. Plus a whole lot of good things too!

Now get out there, make some mistakes and get hurt some! Its the only way to get the good stuff.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:01 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Agree with evryone above that "testing" is a bit meaningless in this situation. However...

I know that I am ready to start something when I go out on a date with someone, and it is fun. Not anxiety inducing, not spiraling into horrible memories of previous relationships, not making you clingy. Just normal fun that makes you happy to see the other person again without any overloaded baggage.

To summarize, you won't know it till you know it. Hope this helps :)
posted by blindcarboncopy at 9:56 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

its different for everyone but its when you've stopped looking for answers, stopped wishing things went differently. Accepted any part you may have had in the matter. When you can look back without much emotion on it. .

even after that stage you may need a period to fill the void with yourself. You have to be complete again as a single entity. after a relationship of years you will be a different person. You're not the same single person you were before. Find yourself and stand alone in the world and then you will be ready.
posted by browolf at 2:33 PM on November 4, 2007 [1 favorite]