Giving/Gaining Turst

October 15, 2007 1:25 AM

How do you gain trust from someone who's been emotionally scarred.

My girlfriend and I were recently talking about her opening up to me and since she never really did open up I asked her why. She told me that at the beginning of high school her sister said something along the lines of "now that we're out of the house I don't have to pretend like I care about you anymore." This left her not trusting anyone after. For her, a person that she's has to trust a person and know that they care for her in order for her to open up. She already knows I care for her and we've already clarified that and she said she wants to trust me but doesn't know how. I can understand why its hard to trust a guy who she's only known for less than a year when she cant even trust someone she's supposed to be emotionally close with. If I could get her to trust me fully it would improve our relationship forever. Any advice on how to help her put more trust in me?

posted by meta.mark to human relations (21 comments total)

I think you're already doing it right. It just takes time.

Also if you go to college you can sometimes get free counseling/therapy.
posted by uandt at 1:52 AM on October 15, 2007

As the title of your post implies, trust is both earned and given, and if either process isn't working, you won't have trust.

It might be best to put this out there as a two way thing, i.e., what can you do to meet that need to see that you can be trusted and what can she do to extend that trust. For you it might be finding out what she needs and giving it to her--if it is a feeling like you will take advantage of disclosures, you must never throw anything revealed back at her in a fight.

For her, cognitive behavior therapy will help her see that the fact that one person made one comment about her that time does not mean that every person will act against her in that way.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:52 AM on October 15, 2007

It sounds as though she already trusts you if she could share something so personal and painful with you. It sounds like she already has opened up to you.

What are your behavioral definitions of trust? Opening up? In other words, if she opened up, how do you believe her behavior would differ - how would you know she was opening up? Because really, it sounds like she already trusts you and is open with you.

Other than that, the answer is time. The longer you know someone without their betraying you, the more you trust them. In general, in these relationship situations in which one person wants "more" of something than the other person is giving, it is best not to repeatedly ask for it or try to draw it out of them, but instead wait patiently for the person to give what that person freely wants to give. Not that you are doing this - I cannot tell by your question - but in general pressure does not lead to positive outcomes in relationships. State your needs - "I'd love openness on both sides and want you to know you can trust me" - and go about your business. If the other cannot meet your needs, then you need to sit down and talk. Good luck.
posted by frumious bandersnatch at 2:00 AM on October 15, 2007

If I could get her to trust me fully it would improve our relationship forever.

It's not something you can get her to do. And even if you could, that's no guarantee it would improve anything. You may end up learning things you'd rather not know. Seriously, how is your relationship going to fare if, because she trusts you so much, she tells you she killed a man in Reno just to watch him die?

Which is not to say that you can't make it easier for her to trust you, but the agency here is hers, not yours. The main thing you can do, which you're probably already doing, is never let her down when she does trust you, to whatever extent she does currently trust you.

Another thing is that you can trust her. If you expect her to trust you fully then you need to trust her in the same manner. This means, in addition to all the things you probably reckon it means, that you ought to trust her judgment. In particular, here, her judgment about what level of trust she's comfortable with extending to you. In other words, don't bug her about it.
posted by juv3nal at 2:10 AM on October 15, 2007

Any advice on how to help her put more trust in me?

Maybe I'm wrong, but there's a tone in this request that seems to make this about "winning" her trust as some sort of prize, as if winning this trust would somehow validate you or this relationship. That's not a healthy approach to the issue, either for her or you and attempts to "win it" are gonna place stress on the relationship and actually undermine her ability to trust you.


That said, just be trustworthy. I dated several girls who had been abused and were very skittish, with huge trust issues. I didn't push the trust issues, and didn't take it a personal insult or statement about the relationship. I was (and am) simply a trustworthy guy and it was later explained to me that I did a hundred little things that I was not conscience of doing (and sometimes didn't even remember!) that earned their trust.

In short, I was just myself, and as with any relationship, that's all you ever need.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:36 AM on October 15, 2007 [5 favorites]

dated some girls with issues myself.

some advice:

be very open. if you talk about some stuff that is touchy for you, and really be forthcoming and sharing, they'll feel like they can trust you because you've put faith in them.

care. genuinely care about them. a girl with emotional problems, if treated badly, will only get worse. the last thing a girl like that need is a jerk boy friend. treat her real good and she'll see that people are alright after all.

random acts of kindness/romance. always have a massive effect on people who least expect them. a little thing like buying a rose before a date won't cost you much at all but will make her feel like a princess ;)

above all, be patient. these things take time.

good luck!
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 2:58 AM on October 15, 2007

Consistency. It's clear that you respect this girl. And I think you're showing her that you're to be trusted. But more than any one thing be consistent in how you show her, so she can't fall back into her default position of not trusting.
posted by Wilder at 3:48 AM on October 15, 2007

Share a spliff. Works wonders.
posted by tehloki at 4:04 AM on October 15, 2007

If I could get her to trust me fully it would improve our relationship forever.

People don't get people to trust : It's not like fixing and engine, in which you have to operate on some tuning and obtain the end result. That is, your gf
isn't "broken" in this sense, you don't have to do things _to_ her. Mostly, I think you will just have to....be yourself.

Some people think that "being self" means "doing whatever you want, regardless of others". Some people think , for istance, that IF one day she feel particularly alone and wants to have you back at home earlier then usual , then you shouldn't go to her on the grounds that "yourself" wouldn't go or have something better to do. But is that "being self" or only being self-ish, disregarding the request because it is less then pleasurable or not optimal?

Others think that loving somebody implies that you are willing to tolerate any stress, any behavior, anything BECAUSE it's done for her/him and sometime to do that forever : therefore if you feel yourself wants to help at all costs, being self would be doing whatever for her. But is that being self, or is it being again self-ish..because helping her makes you feel good and not helping her makes you feel bad ?

Sometime when we WANT to do "good" we want it ALSO because it makes us feel well , feel good. There's nothing "wrong" with feeling good for helping somebody, expecially a particularly loved one and I personally commend your desire to help her feel better.

Remember, you are not going to FIX her directly even if sometimes she will certainly follow your advices and look for your help.....ultimately she may feel better because your efforts may have helped HER HELP HERSELF. From this point of view, your remaining yourself, just being yourself and supportive can be very good for her.

But if you HAVE TO bend over, do things you would NEVER do, act as if you were somebody else, generally feeling frustrated and miserable and feeling like that BECAUSE you have to "help her"...that would probably become noticeable, you can't hide that expecially from people who are very close to you. You would probably look odd, behaving couriously, generally and unwillingly sending up mixed signals that would confuse her : how do you trust one person with relatively unstable behavior ?

One example: let's just imagine you decide to put up with a request of phoning her 10 times a day, or any amount that pisses you off and make you think "oh god I must phone her .....what a pain in the ass". Because you want to help her you would probably feel guilty for thinking she's a pain in the ass, and so cover up your feeling guilty...which in turn would possibly make you behave couriously.

That odd behavior would certainly show up and send her mixed signals. I'd recommend against that. It is sometime just A LOT better just to say that ...yes, I like to phone you dear but 10 times a day...I just can't stand that because (for instance) I really must work during the day. You shouldn't be reaching the point in which you burst and yell "I just can't fucking stand phoning you all the fucking daylong for chrissake!" ..that would show her that SHE is a cause of an intense frustation and discomfort for you...and make her feel bad about herself, unlovable.

Let alone behaving in avoidance..that is, not going home or going late because you just can't frigging stand talking to her about something. How trustable is a person that suddendly starts avoiding you ?

That's what I mean when I say "be yourself"....support help, be nice to her, but don't cover up your behavior because you are good intentioned and want to help her.
posted by elpapacito at 4:41 AM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also, you can't lie.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:13 AM on October 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

Building up trust is akin to filling a swimming pool with a coffee mug.
With someone like your lady, who has trust issues, your mug has been taken, and you've been given an eyedropper.
It's just going to take a long time.

Additionally, losing trust is a LOT easier, and much closer to opening the floodgates.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 5:57 AM on October 15, 2007

Be trustworthy in all your relationships - not just with her, but with your friends, coworkers, family, etc. Respect her. Trust her in return. As said previously, it will take time.

If there are specific things that she's not ready to share with you, make it clear - in a gentle way - that you would love for her to share, but that you understand it will take her time to feel comfortable enough to open up in that way. Then don't pressure her. Let her know - not just verbally, but through your ongoing behavior in other situations - that she will be emotionally safe with you when she opens up. Opening up makes her feel vulnerable, so do what you can to reassure her that she is safe with you. Then be there for her when she needs you.
posted by bassjump at 6:45 AM on October 15, 2007

The only way you can gain anyone's trust is by continously being trustworthy. There isn't one thing you can do to suddenly gain her trust, it's just going to take time. This is true for everyone, but for someone who has trouble trusting it may take a bit longer.
posted by Laura_J at 6:58 AM on October 15, 2007

I just got out of a relationship with a woman with trust issues. It's something that was obvious fairly early on. Also, like your gf she was very forthright/introspective and could tell me where things stemmed from, etc. In her case there were telltale signs that things weren't likely to get better, particularly a string of previous bad relationships that were dismissed rather than dealt with, implying that others had tried but made no headway.

In my ex's case there was really nothing I could do about it. As nothing in my behavior could ameliorate what is essentially her issue. It seemed like if I just did enough or the right things that she could change but like others said all I could do was make it worse.

I would watch out for the opposite side of that coin, maybe she doesn't trust you, but something like this typically goes both ways, watch out that she doesn't act out in such a way that you shouldn't trust her. Thats what ultimately ended my relationship.

My advice would be based on the severity of her situation. Some people have minor trust issues, where it takes them a while to trust someone. In that case hanging in there makes sense. However your gf sounds like a more extreme case, by saying that she doesn't KNOW HOW to trust. It seems like she could use some real therapy to deal with a scar of that sort.
posted by blueyellow at 7:14 AM on October 15, 2007

As my spiritual overlord David Mamet teaches us (on behalf of conmen everywhere), the basic mechanic of a con isn't that you receive the mark's trust - it's that you give her yours.

The difference between your situation and a conman's is that you wish her well, but the principle remains the same, as does the methodology.

You can't 'win' someone's trust and you (unless you're a self-abusing fool) you shouldn't sit around to wait out a 'change of mind.' What you can do is change the stakes, the circumstances, your own actions. Increase your trust (investment) in her and she'll be compelled to respond in kind - which I suggest on the basis of the not-exactly-small point that she's gonna have to give you her trust without thinking about it.

I'm with papa: if you bend over backward to accommodate someone else's hangups, eventually you'll hate the situation. And their hangups will still be around. Stand firm, make an offer of your own trust, continue to be the person she wants (rather than a 'more sensitive' compromise model that will often read as whiny or spineless).

And (because it needs to be said, always) consider whether you actually want to be in a relationship with someone who after a year still can't carry out certain basic relationship functions with you, and whether you feel it's really your responsibility to fix that fact.
posted by waxbanks at 7:28 AM on October 15, 2007

As Laura_j says, trust comes from being trustworthy. I'm no therapist (nor do I play one on TV), but your girlfriend's issues come partly from being lied to; someone who she thought cared about her didn't, so she finds it difficult to put her trust in someone after being screwed over.

So, to earn her trust, you have to be trustworthy. It's about being compassionate and empathic, but above all, honest. If you endeavour to be honest (even about things that might be difficult), she may start to trust you more. If something is bugging you, talk to her about it. Even if it is something that doesn't relate to her, she could translate it into being her fault, because she is automatically suspicious that everyone in the world is looking to undermine her. So, bottom line; be the person that she can trust, and be that person over a long time.
posted by baggers at 7:57 AM on October 15, 2007

Leave her alone... Less than a year and you're pushing at her implying that if she can or can't trust you right now it's going to have some kind of tremendous impact on forever...

She's obviously smart enough to see that you don't realize the weight of this, and won't treat it with the extreme care that what you are asking would require. So if you just back off, quit sayin' and start doin' then I have no doubt she is going to be ok :)

(Btw asking her is just putting more bricks in the wall... you do know that don't you?)

When did trusting people become this 'great thing' anyway. Whether you trust people or you don't who gives a shit. As long as you keep it to yourself what harm does it really do? Is having a backup plan ready to go a bad idea? It's not very clever to expect smooth sailing all the way. (I'd love to hear your thoughts on Pre Nups?)

I'm entirely dubious of your motives, you don't say it has a negative effect on the relationship. Just that... you want her to open up more? Why? What use is it to you? You're human, you will fuck it up and then it will impact on forever and that will be entirely your fault. Nobody actively chases this kind of deep responsibility...??

Leave her the fuck alone. Sheesh :)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:32 AM on October 15, 2007

The only way to fully gain her trust is to be fully trustworthy, over a long period of time. There is no shortcut.
posted by number9dream at 10:49 AM on October 15, 2007

Your girlfriend cannot trust her own measurement of people's trustworthiness. When you determine if someone is trustworthy, you garner an emotional readout based on various things they show you during your interaction with them, including how they behave towards you. Like anyone, she trusted her own 'trustworthy?' sense, and that sense told her that her sister was able to be trusted. Her sister was NOT, however, able to be trusted, and as a result, she ended up becoming hurt very, very bad, emotionally.

Now, she does not know how to measure if you can be safely trusted. The criteria we use to determine if someone can be trusted with our shield-lowered selves betrayed her once. She can't use those criteria to judge your trustworthiness. So she has nothing by which she can measure whether or not you'll hurt her.

Because she has no means by which to prejudge the likelihood of hurt, and because she doesn't want to get hurt again, she has to keep those barriers up and locked hard. It will take an act of pure, brave faith for her to begin completely trusting again.

The problem with that is that such an act of faith lies completely with her. You can do this by creating an emotionally safe environment and doing what you can to show that you are someone who won't hurt her, but the problem is that she presumably felt she was in such an environment with her sister. Thus, the "leap of faith" being necessary.

As a final point, if she does decide to take that leap of faith and invest in you, please realize what you've then got in your hands. If you need to hurt her in the future (such as breaking up), do it with as much delicacy as you can manage; if she's hurt by someone she deeply invested trust with again, she may close up her trust-shop for good.
posted by WCityMike at 11:18 AM on October 15, 2007

Also, after looking at what other people had to write, frumious bandersnatch has a very good point: the fact that she was willing to tell you about her sister's act is, I too think, a positive sign.
posted by WCityMike at 11:22 AM on October 15, 2007

If I could get her to trust me fully it would improve our relationship forever.

So, earn her trust. Be trustworthy. Always. And trust that she'll eventually come around, so you don't need to push it or manipulate it.

And if she never comes around -- well, at some point, you decide if you're the kind of person who can be close to her anyway. That's the part you have direct control over, and the only part.
posted by davejay at 1:13 PM on October 15, 2007