Help me prove I shouldn't date my coworker

October 14, 2007 9:54 AM

My dating life has always been god-awful for various reasons. A number of friends I've looked to for guidance have suggested I try dating one my coworkers. I think that sounds like a recipe for disaster. How can I prove I'm correct?

I work in a medium-sized office, and I've struck up a rather strong friendship with my boss's assistant. She's attractive, very compatible with my twisted and goofy mindset, and we've spent a lot of time together. And while history has shown that my ability to judge the female mind is sorely lacking, I do think there is an interest on her part.

But it seems like madness to date a coworker (though, of course, it happens all the time).

I'm not asking for advice on if I should or shouldn't date the young lady; I'm just looking for support for my argument that as tempting as it may be, dating her is not a safe or viable option.

Are there any studies, papers, or something that lays out the risks and the odds of mayhem for intra-office romance? I'm looking for something at least somewhat scientific; it's easy for me to find speculation, but I'd like to have something with "teeth".

Thanks!

posted by mjbraun to Human Relations (19 answers total)

How can I prove I'm correct?

This may seem obvious, but I'll mention it just in case: You don't have to prove you're correct. If you're not comfortable doing it then don't do it and ask your friends to leave you alone about it.

It's also important to remember the quote "there are lies, damn lies and statistics" i.e. it's easy to "prove" a point with shoddy numbers or poor methodology.

Also, do you know your company's policy on this? You can prove whatever, but if your company explicitly contradicts the proof, the proof doesn't help you.

Finally, here's a link that discusses WHY companies generally discourage these things, an opinion piece in Time magazine with a few statistics that mentions Lisa Nowak, current poster child of what every manager fears could happen.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:24 AM on October 14, 2007

Relationships often end. If you're dating someone who lives a few blocks away and the relationship ends, you can avoid that person for a while. You can't avoid your coworkers.

I have no strong opinion about whether you should date this woman or not. I'm SURE there have been plenty of successful relationships of this sort and also plenty of horrible ones.

If you feel that you and she are mature enough to handle such a relationship -- including a scenario when you've broken up but still have to work together -- then I don't see a problem. Though I'm sure I could not handle it.)

If you think there might be really bad tension, then that's a good reason to forgo.
posted by grumblebee at 10:37 AM on October 14, 2007

Well, the NYT just had an article saying its OK now.

But I think the pitfalls are as obvious as the benefits.

There ARE benefits though.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:44 AM on October 14, 2007

Dating co-workers is great. But usually only up until the point where you break up. Whereupon it can, depending on how amicably things ended, become a nuclear winter.
You have to weigh up the pros and cons of that, just as she would. As you've suggested you don't think its a great idea, I'd look beyond the co-worker dating scenario.

But given the subjective & anecdotal nature of such things, I think what Brandon Blatcher has supplied is the best you can hope for, literature & statistics wise.
posted by Smoosh Faced Lion at 11:10 AM on October 14, 2007

This is such an "it depends" question, but the bottom line is: You don't think it's a good idea for you to do it, yourself. That's all the evidence you need.
posted by caitlinb at 11:14 AM on October 14, 2007

Dating a coworker is only an unsafe, nonviable option for a person who can't handle the aftermath or jealousy. Paint yourself as such a person to your friends and they should find it easy to see that it's not a good idea for you.
posted by iguanapolitico at 11:58 AM on October 14, 2007

I can imagine a study where people were interviewed about their office romances and whether it was a positive or negative experience for them. Lets say that out of everyone who had an office romance, x% regretted it, and y% had no regrets. But what does that prove? You don't think you should date your coworker, so don't. Who cares what your friends say? You shouldn't need to prove anything to them.
posted by happyturtle at 12:03 PM on October 14, 2007

You would be putting yourself in a position where there could be the appearance, if not the existence, of conflict of interest (favoritism), and if the relationship ended, your position would be the opposite. You're going from an even keel to rocking the boat--one way or another.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 12:13 PM on October 14, 2007

You are uncomfortable with the idea of starting this relationship due to the fact that she is your co-worker. This in itself inherently sabotages any relationship forming, so long as you believe this and you work together.

Thus, the mere fact that you believe it is a bad idea is a self-fulfilling prophecy. So long as you believe it is a bad idea, it is a bad idea. As well, so long as you plan on maintaining your job with this company, it remains less than prudent unless your boss is one of these friends suggesting her. Then your life becomes a contrived sitcom.

Still, there you have it. A solid case of "I'm right because I'm right."
posted by Saydur at 12:25 PM on October 14, 2007

Tell them Alvy Ampersand dated and broke up a co-worker and found the experience very unfun.

Or go with Saydur's suggestion.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:35 PM on October 14, 2007

Your argument isn't an argument at all, but rather a question of providing cover for your preexisting prejudice toward dating coworkers.

What you're asking for is anecdotal evidence that conforms to your preconceived notions. Such experiences, while useful sometimes, should never be confused with proof or evidence that you're right where others are wrong. Although you maybe able to pluck out horror stories from this thread and use those to brow beat your friends, it's just as likely that there are an equal amount of good anecdotal experiences out there regarding this subject...

I lieu of retelling a bunch of half-ass anecdotes from strangers on the internet to justify your self fulfilling prophecies, just tell your friends that you'd find a way to fuck it up and you'd rather not risk your job for a little hanky panky...
posted by wfrgms at 1:00 PM on October 14, 2007

I have colleagues who are dating - in fact, there are several who are married - although nobody is in a particularly close working relationship with their partner; from that angle, it would appear OK so long as you can manage any possible conflict of interest.

On the other hand, there's a colleague in my department who's dated numerous girls around the company; one of these, he broke up with in order to date another girl at work. Queue all manner of awkwardness at the company party... plus, what's worse, was that a job arose in my team for which the jilted ex would have been ideally suited, but she wouldn't consider it because it would have involved working too close to him.

I suppose if you want to talk yourself out of it, ask yourself what the situation would be like at work if your relationship ended unpleasantly - would she have access to information about you that you wouldn't want (appraisals to type up, salary reviews, etc.) or would she be in such a position to poison your boss's opinion of you? This may be hard to imagine her doing now, but a woman spurned is a force not to be trifled with!
posted by Chunder at 1:09 PM on October 14, 2007

I worked at a medium-sized company for awhile where it seemed workplace dating was THE thing. Lots of folks were married to other folks in the office, others were dating or involved with people who worked in other areas of the office, but here's where it got weird for everyone else:

If, say, two people in supervisory positions were dating, and one of them didn't like a particular employee, that employee would fear that the supervisor would start treating him/her differently.

If you had a problem with one member of the couple, a work-specific problem, you couldn't really bring it up without the other member becoming automatically defensive.

If one member of the couple got promoted, and the other member had a certain amount of clout, people speculated that the promotion was because of the partner's weight in the company.

And then, I remember this vividly, two members of a couple were applying for outside jobs. They were at the same level in the company and were applying for some of the same jobs. It turned out they both asked their supervisor for recommendations, and the supervisor didn't know they were dating. So the supervisor said, "Sorry, I've already recommended this other person for the job," and then everybody got really tense for awhile.

All purely anecdotal, but what I'm saying is that yes, while plenty of companies allow it, there are a million ways it could go wrong and hurt you professionally or her professionally or even make others uncomfortable.

Then again, your friends won't take any excuses, you know. You can make an argument, and they'll say you doth protest too much, and you're obviously madly in love with her so go for it. The only argument that really works is no argument at all but just a blanket statement of "I would prefer not to," as Brandon Blatcher says.
posted by brina at 1:22 PM on October 14, 2007

I used to know people like you. They'd come to me, ask me for advice on a sensitive and personal topic that I didn't really want to talk with them about, and then after I spent some time explaining to them what I thought, they would immediately attack my opinion, attack me for offering an honest opinion, and go out of their way to obtain, cite, prove, and generally throw back in my face my attempt to give them the help they asked for.

You get to where you wouldn't wish a guy like that on any girl you know. You get to where you hope he gets run over by a truck so he'll stop talking to you.

Just sayin'.
posted by ikkyu2 at 3:05 PM on October 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

There is nothing that will prove you shouldn't do this, nothing. There are a lot of people that will advise against it, there are all kinds of case studies and lawsuits, but real life has way too many variables, especially when it comes to romance, to allow any of us to "prove" a relationship will or won't work. There is always the rare exception to the rule.

The fact that you want your love life to hold up to some logical standard won't earn you any points in the dating arena, either. I'm not really sure what you hope to gain by this question; is it just imperative to you that you always be right? Because, if so, it would be a lot easier for me to prove that that's the major factor in why your past relationships haven't lasted.

Also, when asking friends for guidance, it's quite enough not to take their guidance and continue on with what you are doing. You don't need to slap them in the face with documentation proving their advice is flawed. That's just mean-spirited and petty.
posted by misha at 3:41 PM on October 14, 2007

You shouldn't date your coworkers for the same reason you shouldn't date your classmates or housemates.

If it all goes pear-shaped, you can't get any space. If you have a history of relationships going nuclear, bringing that into a workplace environment where you or your flame can no longer interact professionally without the feelings (warm fuzzies or icy chilly ones) getting in the way, then you've got a recipe for issues.

Personally, I wouldn't date a coworker. I might date someone from the same company, but not someone I actually worked with.
posted by ysabet at 3:56 PM on October 14, 2007

The most common places to meet partners are school and work. You like her & she seems receptive. Depending on how much you want to be in a relationship, it's a risk I'd recommend taking. In the long run, a successful relationship is more valuable than a job, okay, with plenty of exceptions. You may be anxious and looking for ways to stay in your comfort zone.

If you ask her out, and it goes well, and you have a relationship, be as good a person as you can be. It it ends well or badly, keep it out of work as much as possible. Sorry, I know this isn't the answer you're looking for.

As for the friends who are being pushy about it, tell them your choice of dates is a personal matter and refuse to discuss it further.
posted by theora55 at 4:09 PM on October 14, 2007

If it becomes common knowledge (and it will), your employer will feel that you can't be promoted into your boss's job, because it would create uncomfortable power imbalances.
posted by Lucie at 5:05 PM on October 14, 2007

Unless your boss is a straight woman or a gay man, she or he may become jealous, jealous despite the fact there is nothing going on, and jealous despite their own best intentions-- and if they are not jealous, the boss is likely to have maternal or paternal or older sibling protective feelings that will make them very suspicious of you and and all your actions.

So if you choose to pursue this thing you must do something very traditional. You must find a moment to speak privately with your boss and ask for the assistant's hand in dating.

Don't even think about it unless you're basically sure you are going to fall in love with this woman, if given the opportunity.

(Consider this an outline of a natural history of dating the boss's assistant, if you will.)

Good luck!
posted by jamjam at 5:22 PM on October 14, 2007