Why bother getting back in touch?
October 8, 2007 5:53 PM Subscribe
Help me figure out the intentions of an ex who briefly got back in touch with me and invited me for a visit. What was his agenda, if any?
posted by gov_moonbeam to human relations (18 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Back in my early 20s I was pretty attached to one friend where we'd hooked up, but it never panned out. Mostly I hung in there hoping he'd stop juggling multiple girls and finally realize that what we had (and he usually referred to me as one of his closest friends) was as good as it was going to get. Eventually I wised up that this wasn't going to happen and moved on, including cutting ties. He wasn't happy about this and I finally told him that I didn't want to see/talk to him anymore in a manner that was pretty blunt and harsh. I go on with my life and in general don't think about him for years.
Fast forward ahead to the age of social networking and we end up bumping against each other on Friendster. I did feel bad about being really nasty in my last communication with him, so I sent a simple note saying that I'd always felt bad about how I ended it and that I wanted to apologize for being a little harsh/blunt with him. A year passes and I get a long note back from him saying that he'd been shocked and excited to hear from me and was curious given all the comments I had in my profile about what I'd been doing with my life.
So we exchange a couple non-committal e-mails and then he expresses an interest in meeting up with me sometime when we're both back in our hometowns. We both have elderly parents in ailing health, so we start talking on the phone a lot about that. However every time we're supposed to meet up, he ends up canceling out on me.
Finally about 3.5 years after the first initial message, I have to go to the town he lives in for a work related conference. He ends up asking me to come visit for the weekend to hang out. I have no expectation of anything other than just as friends, but considering that we've reconnected in such a great way, I'm totally excited. Anybody I mention it too says that he's got to have some kind of agenda to invite me for the weekend.
I go to visit for him the weekend and get the Third Degree from him about all the places I've traveled, cities I've lived, where I've gone to school and worked et cetera. He's intensely curious about what I've been doing in this interim time, especially because it seems like our lives are on parallel paths.
Anyhow, one of the days I was visiting we were going off on a day trip when he announces that he's invited along a coworker of his. Who was a very nice person and a very good sport considering some of the car problems we ended up having that day! However in the back of my mind, I was wondering why if he hasn't seen me in many many years, why would he invite along somebody else whom he sees everyday at work? Is my personality that grating?
The following day it gets even more strange because I was introduced a woman where he's mentioned having a really close friendship with. Who is clearly not happy to meet me and I think pissed off at him. It's actually the last week that she's in the US before having to go back to her home country because her visa has expired. Also, their "friendship" seems to be based on him bending over backwards to take care of her every whim and need (which she never seems to thank him for). They drop me off at the hotel I'm staying at for my conference and I literally have not heard from him since then - other than to say he's going to visit this gal in her home country for Christmas.
Anyhow, the thing I'm still baffled by is why he made a big deal of inviting me down for a weekend and then dropping me again? Especially after making a big deal about what a cool person I'd become in our time apart. The majority of my friends have said that he had some kind of agenda or curiosity in inviting me down. So I know that it wasn't meant to be a casual situation. The best explanations so far are:
1) There's something going on between him and the "close friend" whose visa was expiring. So he probably backed off because of her unhappiness over my visit.
2) He's pretty unhappy with his own personal/professional situation and seeing me happy/settled makes him feel insecure about himself.
I don't know, mostly I just wonder what the point was of going out of his way to invite me to be his houseguest, drive me around, say lots of flattering things about how I've turned out, and then drop me again. But fortunately having long moved past the point of pining over him, I'm just more curious about what his motivation could've been, rather than obsessing over why he won't call me back.