How can I help my sister and brother love each other again?

October 6, 2007 8:01 PM

My brother and sister haven't spoken to each other in over a year. I love them both and wish they could resolve their issues, but is it really my business? Is there anything I can do?

I am the oldest, my sister is the youngest and my brother is in the middle. We lost both of our parents to cancer fairly recently (2003-2004) and obviously that has changed our family dynamic. My sister holds grudges against him for his tormenting her when she was younger (you're ugly, your ears are big, I hate you, etc.) as well as other more significant issues when our parents were ill and dying. They had a back and forth e-mail battle that finally ended when I asked them both to please stop it. However, their animosity towards each other remains and neither one will give. My question is, should I try to patch things up between them and if so, how? Obviously, this is not the whole story, but just the facts in a nutshell.

posted by wv kay in ga to human relations (12 comments total)

Is their animosity over a lingering situation (eg both want to have dad's house, but sis has it)? Or is it just over things that were said/done in the past?

If it's over a real situation like division of assets, you could suggest some kind of arbitration to work out some solution they could both agree to.

But you can't make them forgive/ love each other. Around the holidays you can suggest that it would be good to try to get back on speaking terms, but you can't force them to do anything. They'll either come around, or not, in their own time. Try not to take sides or speak ill of one sibling to the other.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:18 PM on October 6, 2007

It is possible. The fact that you’re the oldest is something that I think works in your favour. You could start off by talking to each sibling individually and tell them how pained you are by their fighting and how you would like them to reconcile. If you have kids, you could tell your brother and sister that your kids don’t want to see their uncle and aunt hate each other. You’ll have to put some pressure on them, but you might be able to get them to attend some type of large family gathering at the same time. You might not get them to love each other, but you might be able to get them to stop hating each other.

When my great-grandmother was dying, my grandfather and his brother stopped speaking to each other because of conflict over caring for her. After a few years, and attempts from various relatives to get them to reconcile, the two of them did reconcile. They no longer loathe each other. They tolerate each other and that’s probably the best the situation will ever be.

Whatever you do, don’t choose sides in the battle between your brother and sister.
posted by Jasper Friendly Bear at 8:36 PM on October 6, 2007

Individually, tell them each about how much it hurts you and how you feel lost without your parents. Mention you feel a lack of family and you miss spending time with them.

Ask them what could be done to have it change (involve them.) Ask them if shit they did when they were 10 is the same dumb stuff as today. Lotsa crap like this is sibling specific. And I'm sure behavior (suppressed grief) around the death of your parents, came out as anger with an available outlet - each other.

It's a very uphill battle. Realistically, no, you can't get people to change. You can invoke sympathy and a desire for normalcy...but you may not get it. It may take them years.

So: appeal to their love of you, the love of your parents, ask them to admit their own behavior may have been inappropriate or misdirected. Find out what it would take to heal the relationships. Anytime you get stonewalled ('I Just won't talk to him/her!'), show your astonishment about how you thought that sibling was the rational/compassionate one (depending on their motivation.)

See if you can get them to fake it to make it (behaving civil). Cheat as needed: for example - for each birthday go into a joint gift with the other sibling etc.
posted by filmgeek at 8:50 PM on October 6, 2007

I'll relate personal experience.

I am #4 of 5 kids, and I have two brothers and two sisters. None of us talk to each other, pretty much.

Between some of us, there is antipathy and just simple dislike. I don't like or trust one of my brothers...he's so full of himself and egotistical that he's just a hard person to like (it doesn't help that he's an ex drug dealer and screwed around on his wife, then did minimal parenting to two of the three kids he has). He doesn't like me because I don't like him, I think. And I think it all stems from his torturing behaviour when we were kids. I've attempted 4 of five times to reconcile and let this whole issue go, but he wasn't interested and that just ingrained my distrust.

Anyway, none of us kids communicate. We act nice when we have to, like at my mother's funeral, but otherwise we never talk. For all the other than the brother I speak of above, there is just that lack of communication.

After my mother's funeral, I decided that I would attempt to let it all go more. That, to me meant not attempting to reconcile or have a relationship with my siblings unless they made that effort. It didn't mean that I'd continue to carry grudges or anger, but just let it all slide. Through the accident of being born to the same family we were brought together and really there is no reason other than that we have any connection at all.

And that's the only advice I can give...you let their problems go. Maybe they will let the anger and grudges go too, or maybe on their own they will attempt to sort things out. However, in either case you only harm yourself by letting any of this affect you in more than incidental ways.
posted by Kickstart70 at 8:54 PM on October 6, 2007

Let them be. You can't control someone's behaviour (either ones) and furthermore, if they reconcile solely to placate you, they may be unhappy about it and putting themselves in an untenable position. That's bad enough, but they might end up resenting you as well.

Let them be. Be friends with both of them but not at the same time.

My family is splintered like this, and it's easier when nobody is pushing the "let's all get along like the well adjusted people that we aren't" card.
posted by b33j at 9:18 PM on October 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Thank you all for your advice. It's just a difficult situation and with my parents gone I guess I just want my remaining family to be happy and loving. I still love them both and always will no matter what. I just wish I could help them get past resentments that seem pointless to me. That's the key - what seems pointless to me is obviously important to them.
posted by wv kay in ga at 9:33 PM on October 6, 2007

You can't control other people or their behavior. You can only control how you respond to other people.

This is between them, so don't let allow them to drag you down with them. It may make no sense to you but as you said it seems to make perfect sense to them and that's all that matters. You just hold your head high and do not take sides. Let each person know that you are holding firm that you love both of them exactly the same as you always have and that your relationships with each individual has not changed. Do not ever let either person believe that it is even possible for you to be turned against the other, make it clear you feel it is not your business. That way, stop throwing dirt and maturely decide to reconcile (if they ever do) you will have always kept yourself clean and your individual relationships will remain relatively intact despite the drama.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:09 PM on October 6, 2007

Forgot a few words... "that way when they stop throwing dirt and maturely decide to reconcile..."
posted by miss lynnster at 10:10 PM on October 6, 2007

While it is true that you cannot control someone else’s behaviour, you can almost certainly influence it. I think letting your brother and sister know of the pain they are causing you with the way they are behaving will increase the amount of psychological pressure they feel. This psychological pressure may just be the seed that’ll germinate into something positive.
posted by Jasper Friendly Bear at 10:59 PM on October 6, 2007

Leave them be. They will speak to each other when they feel like it.

Here is my reason for asking you to leave them be: I have not spoken to my sister for over a year, and do not intend to anytime soon. We, too, have had email battles. If Dexter went after her, I wouldn't give a shit.

My mother has attempted to reconcile us - pushing us to have lunch together, or dropping subtle hints. No matter how subtle, I always know it. Although I know it pains my mother that my sister and I do not speak, I do not appreciate her attempts at influencing our relationship. While I know she means well, I can't help but feel that she feels as if she's being the saintly family member, helping out her demon children. Which I don't appreciate. I'm guessing that your siblings may feel the same way.

It seems that you still speak to both of them. Their relationship is probably a hot button topic - breach it badly enough, and one (or both) of them will probably add you to the list of ostracized siblings. If it stresses you out that they don't speak to each other (even though their argument doesn't involve you), you will likely be even more stressed out when you become part of the argument. Stay out of the argument. Please.
posted by Xere at 11:38 PM on October 6, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Leave them alone. After two immediate family members died, I (for a while) became enraged at my annoying sister over all sorts of baggage and more or less cut myself off from her. Eventually, we mended fences, but we're just basically two people with absolutely nothing in common who happened to be born into the same family, and aside from cultural convention, there's no real reason for us to associate frequently. Fortunately, we're the only family members left, so there's no awkwardness as in your case.

I have no ill will toward my sister and touch base with her family now and then, but we're just never going to be sisters like in Little Women, which is very freeing after all the years when we were forced by relatives and circumstances to make niceynicey with each other constantly.

Sometimes when there's trauma and the familial "glue" dissolves, people just need temporarily to vent all their stress at each other, so maybe your siblings did that and will work things out. Maybe they won't. Enjoy your friendship with both of them, but let them be who they need to with or without each other.
posted by FelliniBlank at 9:05 AM on October 7, 2007

FWIW, I also have 2 sisters I don't really talk to. I'm civil, but I think they're very toxic people who only affect my life negatively. My parents have begged me to get along with them, but in time they have realized that I have good reasons for the distance. So they don't try to force it any more, and I've been happy about that. So... what Xere said. But I do stand by what I said about not letting it affect your own personal relationships with each individual. Separate yourself from their issues with each other.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:18 PM on October 7, 2007