How I can support a friend who miscarried?
October 3, 2007 8:44 AM Subscribe
A very dear friend had a miscarriage earlier this year. Suddenly our friends are getting pregnant, and I think it's difficult for her. Are there any extra ways I can support her?
A very close girlfriend miscarried about six months ago. It was physically pretty tough on her, and it took a while for her to feel better, emotionally. Just as she was - it seemed to me anyway - starting to turn a corner, two women in our circle of close friends announced their own pregnancies. I've asked her how she feels about that, and it's what you would imagine: a complicated mix of happiness for them and sadness and guilt and a little bit of anger. Plus, of course, people around her seem to sort of feel that, well, it's been six months, and it wasn't even a real baby! So she should be over it by now-- whereas the reality seems a lot more complex than that.
What can I do to support her? The good old "being there for her" is complicated by the fact that we currently live so far apart that even phone calls require advance planning.
Are there any books, etc., you can recommend? I'd like to send her something, but I don't want to send her something that will be more upsetting, or something that completely ignores the issue.
Thanks!
A very close girlfriend miscarried about six months ago. It was physically pretty tough on her, and it took a while for her to feel better, emotionally. Just as she was - it seemed to me anyway - starting to turn a corner, two women in our circle of close friends announced their own pregnancies. I've asked her how she feels about that, and it's what you would imagine: a complicated mix of happiness for them and sadness and guilt and a little bit of anger. Plus, of course, people around her seem to sort of feel that, well, it's been six months, and it wasn't even a real baby! So she should be over it by now-- whereas the reality seems a lot more complex than that.
What can I do to support her? The good old "being there for her" is complicated by the fact that we currently live so far apart that even phone calls require advance planning.
Are there any books, etc., you can recommend? I'd like to send her something, but I don't want to send her something that will be more upsetting, or something that completely ignores the issue.
Thanks!
I think that if you sent her a gift (any gift that you think she'd like, even one that "ignores the issue") she will understand and appreciate the thought behind it. In fact, I think a gift that emphasizes the miscarriage may even set her back in the healing process.
A gift certificate to a spa would be sweet, maybe for a massage.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 9:12 AM on October 3, 2007
A gift certificate to a spa would be sweet, maybe for a massage.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 9:12 AM on October 3, 2007
I've been there twice. Everyone handles it differently and finds their own way to cope. It *will* be hard to watch her friends go through their pregancies and have babies, then again, it may not be as hard as you think it might be. Just keep the conversation as open as she wants it to be. (I say that from the experience of having some people want to play therapist when they were the last people I wanted to talk to about it.) Some days it will hurt, some days it won't. Let her choose when she wants to bring it up. Just let her know that you're open to talking about it whenever she needs to.
posted by wallaby at 10:23 AM on October 3, 2007
posted by wallaby at 10:23 AM on October 3, 2007
Ohhh, this question just made me cry like a baby at work.
Mail cards, send notes, just send something supportive once a week by mail (since catching up by phone is even hard) - even just cute things designed to get a giggle or a smile? It sounds to me like you handled with wonderful grace asking her how she felt about the friends and giving her an opportunity to open up. I can only imagine my own feelings in that circumstance, and my guess is that talking about those conflicted feelings would be a hard conversation for her to start, but a really helpful one to have had. So, I would just be constant and predictable as someone who is loving, available, open and supportive - honestly, being a friend like that is probably the most important thing you can do.
posted by bunnycup at 10:52 AM on October 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
Mail cards, send notes, just send something supportive once a week by mail (since catching up by phone is even hard) - even just cute things designed to get a giggle or a smile? It sounds to me like you handled with wonderful grace asking her how she felt about the friends and giving her an opportunity to open up. I can only imagine my own feelings in that circumstance, and my guess is that talking about those conflicted feelings would be a hard conversation for her to start, but a really helpful one to have had. So, I would just be constant and predictable as someone who is loving, available, open and supportive - honestly, being a friend like that is probably the most important thing you can do.
posted by bunnycup at 10:52 AM on October 3, 2007 [1 favorite]
Losing a child, even one that never was, through miscarriage or the discovery that you can never have any more, ever, when the child is very much wanted, and then having to be around others who are expecting and happy while you are hiding it all inside, and then being afraid to interact with anyone's baby altogether because it is too painful, or trying to pick up a friend or relative's baby while not dissolving into tears...yeah, it is extremely rough on her.
Talk to her, often as you can. Write to her, even if it is all the wrong words. I have written words I winced over, on reflection, to friends who have miscarried, and still the gesture was appreciated. Just knowing she has a friend who understands and cares does so much to help the healing, you have no idea.
posted by misha at 11:54 AM on October 3, 2007
Talk to her, often as you can. Write to her, even if it is all the wrong words. I have written words I winced over, on reflection, to friends who have miscarried, and still the gesture was appreciated. Just knowing she has a friend who understands and cares does so much to help the healing, you have no idea.
posted by misha at 11:54 AM on October 3, 2007
Don't send her anything miscarriage related. Keep up with the friendly/supportive cards, gifts, emails that show that your friend is special to you and that you are thinking of her. Also, avoid excessive harping on pregnancies/newborns.
My instinct is that you should let her talk about the miscarriage if she wants, but don't mention it any more until she does. She knows you're willing to talk openly. Who knows, she may be trying again to get pregnant and/or she may be pregnant right now. Miscarriage might be the one thought she is trying to banish from her mind. So I wouldn't go sending her reminders or anything. Just tell her you love her and go about your lives. Ask her how her job is going and where she is going on vacation.
posted by crazycanuck at 1:00 PM on October 3, 2007
My instinct is that you should let her talk about the miscarriage if she wants, but don't mention it any more until she does. She knows you're willing to talk openly. Who knows, she may be trying again to get pregnant and/or she may be pregnant right now. Miscarriage might be the one thought she is trying to banish from her mind. So I wouldn't go sending her reminders or anything. Just tell her you love her and go about your lives. Ask her how her job is going and where she is going on vacation.
posted by crazycanuck at 1:00 PM on October 3, 2007
Best answer: When I got pregnant, my sperm donor's wife also accidentally got pregnant. They divorced. I lost my baby and she didn't. It was unspeakably hard. Hard to stay happy for her, hard to tell myself that I didn't "deserve" a miscarriage any more than she did, hard to even look at her. At the same time, it seemed that all my friends (and acquaintances) were getting pregnant and carrying to term. I went to a counselor to talk about my irrational hatred of every pregnant woman, and my counselor said "I guess I better tell you. I'm pregnant." God, it was bad.
It's been a year since my miscarriage, though, and I don't think that 6 months is too long to grieve. I think I did ok, to the point where my sperm-donor's ex-wife moved in with my partner and I, we were her labour partners, and she and her baby still live with us.
As far as what you can do: just be a good friend. Listen to her, talk to her, let her know you understand. Wallaby's right - don't play therapist, but let her lead the way. It will especially be on her mind on the day she would have given birth, you might want to give her a phone call to chat on that day, but don't mention the miscarriage unless she does. Just be there, that's all a friend can do.
posted by arcticwoman at 1:23 PM on October 3, 2007
It's been a year since my miscarriage, though, and I don't think that 6 months is too long to grieve. I think I did ok, to the point where my sperm-donor's ex-wife moved in with my partner and I, we were her labour partners, and she and her baby still live with us.
As far as what you can do: just be a good friend. Listen to her, talk to her, let her know you understand. Wallaby's right - don't play therapist, but let her lead the way. It will especially be on her mind on the day she would have given birth, you might want to give her a phone call to chat on that day, but don't mention the miscarriage unless she does. Just be there, that's all a friend can do.
posted by arcticwoman at 1:23 PM on October 3, 2007
Also watch for openings that you can give her. If you're with her when you see someone pregnant (or since you're far apart, when a friend gets pregnant and you're on the phone or writing about it), bring it up with an opening-- "It must be hard for you after losing your baby"
I miscarried two times and no one would ever let me talk about it (the classic "well it wasn't really a baby"-- those babies are as real to me today as they were 25 years ago; I still think about my kids' "older sibs").
if she needs to talk about it, your opening will allow her to do so; it she doesn't she'll just say "not really" or say she can't talk about it. But either way, she'll know you're there for her.
posted by nax at 1:29 PM on October 3, 2007
I miscarried two times and no one would ever let me talk about it (the classic "well it wasn't really a baby"-- those babies are as real to me today as they were 25 years ago; I still think about my kids' "older sibs").
if she needs to talk about it, your opening will allow her to do so; it she doesn't she'll just say "not really" or say she can't talk about it. But either way, she'll know you're there for her.
posted by nax at 1:29 PM on October 3, 2007
So sad. Twice here. Just seconding what others have said. Let her talk. Love her. It's hard.
posted by WyoWhy at 3:52 PM on October 3, 2007
posted by WyoWhy at 3:52 PM on October 3, 2007
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. Your insight was helpful: I've backed off my compulsive need to send helpful books (Yes, I'm one of those.)
posted by thehmsbeagle at 7:13 PM on October 4, 2007
posted by thehmsbeagle at 7:13 PM on October 4, 2007
Your friend is lucky that you're sensitive enough to think about this issue. Many people don't like to talk about miscarriage, or can't acknowledge that it is a loss, and that the parents feel real grief.
You asked for book recommendations: there's an anthology called About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing and Hope. Some essays are much better than others, but it's worth checking out.
I have miscarried twice, and during the two years I've been trying to conceive, several friends have given birth. It is very difficult, even long after the miscarriage. Some things that can be tough: baby showers, Mother's Day, anniversaries of the miscarriage, and, importantly, the date she would have been due. As others have said, she may feel envious of pregnant women -- totally normal.
I've often felt invisible when women talked about their pregnancies, because I felt mine weren't recognized. It's important to me that others recognize my experience even if the outcome was different from theirs.
A friend recently called me after a mutual friend gave birth to twins. He said, I know this may be difficult for you, and I hope you'll call if you need to talk. That was a wonderful voicemail message. As I said, your friend is lucky to have you.
posted by stonefruit at 7:53 PM on October 5, 2007
You asked for book recommendations: there's an anthology called About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing and Hope. Some essays are much better than others, but it's worth checking out.
I have miscarried twice, and during the two years I've been trying to conceive, several friends have given birth. It is very difficult, even long after the miscarriage. Some things that can be tough: baby showers, Mother's Day, anniversaries of the miscarriage, and, importantly, the date she would have been due. As others have said, she may feel envious of pregnant women -- totally normal.
I've often felt invisible when women talked about their pregnancies, because I felt mine weren't recognized. It's important to me that others recognize my experience even if the outcome was different from theirs.
A friend recently called me after a mutual friend gave birth to twins. He said, I know this may be difficult for you, and I hope you'll call if you need to talk. That was a wonderful voicemail message. As I said, your friend is lucky to have you.
posted by stonefruit at 7:53 PM on October 5, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
Don't shut up about it unless asked to -- but you knew that; it's good that you asked her how she felt about the other pregnancies. You presumably already know that "It wasn't meant to be" or "You can try again" are complete no-nos. But as for the last part, it is okay to ask how she feels about the idea of trying again; that can be daunting. Assuming she was trying in the first place (though that's not to suggest that it's maybe easier if you weren't, which I doubt).
I'd think about encouraging her to not shut up about it herself. Miscarriage is very common, and finding out you're not so isolated can be a great help. She should see that while it's never quite forgotten, people do get over the hurt, and more often than not go on to have happy families.
The whole thing is -- in my experience -- quite understandably comparable to the death of a relative you rather liked, for what help that might be.
posted by kmennie at 9:11 AM on October 3, 2007