Speaking for the dead

September 24, 2007 1:59 PM

My father is going to die in the next few days (cancer of the aesophagus) and my family have decided that I should be the one to take care of the arrangements*. I need advice on dealing with undertakers in the UK, and--a longshot but worth asking--any recommendations for trusted funeral homes and funeral directors in Suffolk (that's Suffolk UK, for the hard of thinking), ideally ones not associated with SCI.

* My sister lives three times closer to my parents than I do, and my first child was born three weeks ago. Thanks for stepping up, sis.

posted by Hogshead to health & fitness (18 comments total)

I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer my prayers and good wished.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:11 PM on September 24, 2007

I've absolutely no information of any use to you as I'm not even in the U.K., but I just wanted to say that I'm very sorry. That's an enormously difficult and painful thing.

You should make it absolutely clear to your sister that you'd like her help.

Also, this is going to sound terrible, but don't let the funeral director manipulate you into buying the most expensive casket. When my parent died, I was lucky enough to have a relative of a family member who grew up in the funeral business help. He actually built caskets as a kid, and there's little difference between the cheapest and the most expensive. There's something about the way they will guilt people into paying a lot of money for really unimportant stuff when they are at their most vulnerable really bothers me.
posted by buka at 2:14 PM on September 24, 2007

OK, now this is going to sound horrible, but I had a friend who worked for a funeral director and part of her job was to sell, sell, sell ... a more expensive coffin than the basic, extra limousines, a horse-drawn hearse, directing the family to a particular florist, a bigger than normal notice in the paper ... all of these things earned her commission and bonuses. And yes, she took advantage of people at their lowest time to manipulate them into having these things. Just so you're aware.

And, also, sending my good wishes and thoughts to you.
posted by essexjan at 2:31 PM on September 24, 2007

I can't help with recommendations, just wanted to wish you well in this. Do talk to your sister if you can and emphasise that you need help. It could be that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by offering?

buka, I couldn't agree more. We went through this recently and I found it sickening. I even discovered that they had two reception lounges for grieving families - one plushly carpeted where pots of tea were served in "the good china" and a second, pokey little hole where those who chose to respect their loved ones wishes and go for the "cheap" (ha!*) option and donate the otherwise wasted money to his favourite charity were herded and not even offered a glass of water.

* £2000? WTF?
posted by ceri richard at 2:36 PM on September 24, 2007

I unfortunately don't have any advice to give you, other than treat it like a car dealership: Bring a friend, and never go with the first option, no matter how good it sounds. See everything, then decide.

My thoughts are with you.
posted by Verdandi at 2:40 PM on September 24, 2007

I'm sorry about your dad. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it must be a very difficult time for you right now.

I don't have any specific recommendations for you, as I am not in the UK, but I wanted to offer the suggestion that you ask the staff at your local hospice to direct you to some good, caring funeral homes.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:40 PM on September 24, 2007

I don't know Suffolk at all, but the Co-op's funeral services are reliable and ethical and they do have branches in the county.
My sympathies at this difficult time.
posted by Abiezer at 2:46 PM on September 24, 2007

Sympathies to you and your sister at this stressful time. You may find various aspects of the online Natural Death Handbook useful, including this page with "good" (in their terms) Suffolk funeral directors.

On preview: seconding the fact that the Co-op are usually a good bet. You could try asking the neighbours and/or a local minister.
posted by Idcoytco at 3:11 PM on September 24, 2007

My dad was cremated today. One thing that I've learned in the past 10 days is how much easier it is if you can take 10 minutes to write down what you would like to happen at your funeral.

I had a list to work with. He'd chosen the funeral directors, his preferred minister, what music he wanted played, which hymns and to which tunes, where he wanted his ashes scattered and which charities should be suggested for donations. He'd written this 20+ years ago, updating it after my mum died (so that he's scattered in the same place).

Ok, he'd not picked out a specific coffin or flower arrangement (and whatever you do, don't buy flowers via the fineral director, deal direct with the florist) but otherwise the arrangements were a doddle.

It's no help to Hogshead, I know, but your loved ones will thank you profusely if you plan ahead as my dad did.
posted by Lionel d'Lion at 3:34 PM on September 24, 2007

If you need help, ask, and even insist on it.

My mother ended up missing her sister's funeral because she was in hospital with chest pains. Like you, she'd been left to take care of everything, and she was exhausted. I know that she was so aghast that other people weren't stepping up that she didn't, in her grief, have the wherewithal to insist on the help to which she was entitled. In some ways, I think feeling that there was no-one to help her broke her heart more than the death of her (dearly beloved) sister.

I was out of the country when it happened, and didn't know about anything till I phoned home and found out my mother was in hospital. I didn't get a chance to help her, and it's something I'll always regret. There might be someone out there for you who feels the same way.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by tiny crocodile at 3:47 PM on September 24, 2007

if your father belonged to a church, the pastor there will be able to help you. or your own pastor should be able to help, if your father didn't belong to a congregation. the hospital chaplain will also be able to help you. if he belonged to a union or some kind of professional association, they might be able to help as well. finally, if he receives a pension, the benefits administrator may be able to help you. i would call these people now.

having helped with some funeral arrangements, i would recommend, if at all possible, enlisting a close-but-not-immediate family member or friend to help you when it comes time to visit with the funeral home. i second the above advice to resist the pressure to buy the best casket, more flowers, etc. (this is where the friend or slightly distant relative will come in handy.)

one task to pawn off on your sister is picking out the clothes he will wear if it's to be an open casket. make sure she gets socks, shoes, belt, cufflinks, tie tack, lapel pin--whatever jewelry he would want to be buried with that he doesn't already have on his person (be sure to confirm this with the rest of the family beforehand). also, have her gather pictures from the home and make sure they are in frames. they are a wonderful touch at funerals and will be much more memorable than flowers (which, by the way, a ton of people will be sending anyway).

finally, if there is to be a wake, again, call in a neighbor or friend. there has got to be someone who knows the house and who will be able to make arrangements to get some food platters and wine or whatever. your dad's local church or whatever will be able to help with this, too.

i'm so sorry the time has come for this. best wishes for you and your family.

oh, and go easy on your sister. it's easy for bad feelings at a time like this to turn downright poisonous. avoid it.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:10 PM on September 24, 2007

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear as if there are any Mefites who live in Suffolk (at least according to the site's Google Earth file of members), but Ganseki is a bit southwest of Norwich and both Zemblamatic and Brighton are near Colchester — they appear to be the geographically closest to Suffolk. Perhaps they have friends who live in Suffolk who could advise you.

My sincere condolences.
posted by WCityMike at 5:17 PM on September 24, 2007

My mother died in Ipswich in Suffolk a few years back, and I think that we used the Co-op. They handled things well, as I recall, for a complex funeral (two services, one in a church and one in the cemetary chapel thing). I wasn't directly involved in the planning stuff, but they seemed professional and got stuff done. I don't have the details of who they were beyond being the co-op, I'm afriad.
posted by baggers at 8:56 PM on September 24, 2007

I'm not in the UK, but when my aunt died a few years back, my cousins actually were able to find a coffin maker online, who's product was considerably marked down from what the funeral home would have charged, and they were able to deliver next day. Perhaps there is something similar in the UK.

My sincerest condolences.
posted by vignettist at 10:52 PM on September 24, 2007

This website covers the legal aspects, like registering the death and also advice on finding a funeral director. Although technically and legally you don't need one, it would not be something I would recommend. And, like others, I would suggest the nearest Co-op.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:39 AM on September 25, 2007

I am looking into finding out the name of the funeral directors that have attended to my grandfather and great grandfather - based in Sudbury, Suffolk. I need to wait to hear back from relatives though, so hopefully this doesn't come too late. Is there anyone else in the area that you can ask? Old friends or neighbours of your parents? Maybe you could ask at the hospital if you can't think of anyone else.

A good funeral director will guide you through the logistics, and won't give you a hard time if you don't buy a topend casket. You will need to bring some clothes for them to dress your father in. You will need to take a decision on how to deal with viewings - if your family are anything like mine, some will inevitably want to see him before the service.

There are parts of the arrangements that you can maybe farm out to other willing relatives. Sorting out the logistics for a wake is a big hassle that someone that doesn't want to deal with the sharp end of funeral arrangements can usefully do - give them a budget and set them to it. Sorting out flowers is another.
posted by bifter at 5:50 AM on September 25, 2007

Sorry, no advice, but most sincere condolences and wishes for good luck in all your days to come.
posted by Lynsey at 12:21 PM on September 25, 2007

I am a professional funeral director in America and I'm not employed by SCI or any other conglomerate. Feel free to email me with any questions you might have. I'm not familiar with UK Customs and Practices, but I may be able to help you with other aspects. Despite some popular opinions, my job is to help the bereaved, not take advantage of them. I serve with dignity and compassion.
posted by ColdChef at 9:09 PM on September 25, 2007