Finding the chaste

September 19, 2007 5:04 PM

Help my girlfriend find virgins.

It's not what you think, really. My girlfriend needs to interview people who have chosen not to have sex before marriage. It's for a short, informal essay in a German book. Confidential and all that. But she's having a hard time coming up with ideas about where to find virgins to talk to. Aimlessly trolling the internet seems like a bad idea, but contacting religious organizations and asking for official referrals doesn't seem much better. Has anyone got an idea where she might look? Good discussion boards for celibate Christians or Jews who are shomer negiah? Non-religious support groups for abstinents?

posted by felix betachat to human relations (23 comments total)

Contacting religious organizations and asking for referrals is not at all a bad idea. Your girlfriend should speak to a Catholic priest and ask him if he can do that for her. He may know youn adults in youth groups or seminary that would be thrilled to talk about their lifestyle.
posted by Evstar at 5:05 PM on September 19, 2007

I second the religious recommendation.

Does she have to conduct the interviews in person? I'd be glad to help her out if email is an acceptable form of interview. Email's in the profile.
posted by DMan at 5:08 PM on September 19, 2007

Keep in mind though that there are a fair number of people who have been pressured into identifying as "virgin" who turn out to not actually be virgin.
posted by Good Brain at 5:10 PM on September 19, 2007

The Marriage Bed is a sex positive Christian forum. They have a whole section for people waiting till marriage.
posted by Mitheral at 5:19 PM on September 19, 2007

Keep in mind though that there are a fair number of people who have been pressured into identifying as "virgin" who turn out to not actually be virgin.

This is a very good point. She should also interview self-identified non-virgins who clearly are so geeky that they are certainly actually virgins who are just lying about it.

Or she could just find some male or female mormon missionaries and interview them and she'll have both the virgin and geek bases covered.
posted by The World Famous at 5:25 PM on September 19, 2007

If she could get into a meeting at a college for South Asians, or something like that, a lot of people who are first or second generation American, are very conservative in their personal life, despite being thoroughly Westernized by all appearances. I'm really only familiar with Asians and Muslims in the US, but I'm sure there are a lot of other groups that are similar. Also, might be a good contrast from the purely religious. I've found that while religion is part of it, it's really the cultural expectations that people are seeking to live up to.
posted by whoaali at 5:35 PM on September 19, 2007

no idea if this might help, but i recall reading about this site/organization in a magazine.

true love waits
posted by gursky at 5:37 PM on September 19, 2007

Post a flyer at a local university. These people still exist, or that's what they were telling me. Be aware though, a fair sample will mean she spends a good amount of time talking to people for whom it was never a thoughtful choice. Waiting was the only cultural option, and this was deeply ingrained in them from childhood.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:52 PM on September 19, 2007

I've met a lot of youth groups who preach abstinence as a way to combat the spread of HIV/AIDS (and they're not Christian - more the youth version of Moonies). Look into Facebook and find all the Abstinence Rocks! people (or groups along those lines).
posted by divabat at 5:53 PM on September 19, 2007

How about message boards for new brides? Like the ones at Indiebride or The Knot. There's gotta be a forum in there for brides with questions on what to expect on their honeymoon. If there aren't, start one. You'll probably get good results because its relatively anonymous, so why fake it?
posted by krippledkonscious at 5:53 PM on September 19, 2007

Call the local LDS church and ask for religious instruction. Once they pick their jaws off the floor, she'll be hip-deep in vestals.
posted by rob511 at 6:07 PM on September 19, 2007

Keep in mind that the way the virgins are selected for interview will likely influence the perspective of the article to some extent -- e.g. Catholic virgins who have taken a "Chastity Oath" or whatever will be a different story than, say, Russian Orthodox immigrants. So maybe try to get interviews across the entire spectrum of interviewees.
posted by misterbrandt at 6:23 PM on September 19, 2007

You might try http://www.frumteens.com/ or http://www.hashkafah.com/ (seems to be down at the moment) for virginal Jews.

By the way, shomer negiah is not equivalent to "virgin." There are people who ID as Orthodox who are not shomer negiah but still refrain from premarital sex. Also, someone can be married and have sex with their spouse, but still be shomer negiah with regard to people of the opposite sex who are not their spouse.
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:40 PM on September 19, 2007

thelockers.net might be another resource to find pre-marital shomrei negiah.
posted by greatgefilte at 6:57 PM on September 19, 2007

May not seem logical at first glance, but college campuses. There's always a lot of Christian/insert-ethnicity student groups, and I second the statement that 1st and 2nd generation minorities tend to live conservative lifestyles even though they are in most other respects pretty Westernized.

In fact, I'm pretty sure my entire gang of ethnic gal pals, whom I all met in college, are still virgins.
posted by lychee at 6:59 PM on September 19, 2007

Place an ad in the classifieds of the local indie weekly; looks like it's "The Maroon", but anything along those lines would work. They generally have a free section for "I Saw You" or "Soapbox".
posted by comiddle at 7:23 PM on September 19, 2007

Don't assume that people only decide not to have sex for religious reasons, as this would skew your results. The problem will be to identify these people, as those who make the choice for religious reasons would generally have a common link in the church group or whatever.
posted by dg at 8:22 PM on September 19, 2007

Not that I'm advocating anything that they do, but our local crisis pregnancy center is currently pushing a true-love-waits type'o thing. You've most likely got one in your area.
posted by sian at 8:32 PM on September 19, 2007

That was helpful The World Famous. My point is that relying on references from religious and other pro-virginity groups is no guarantee, and to plan accordingly. What was yours?

As for the stereotypes about the virginal purity of Mormons, growing up in Utah I saw plenty of evidence that there are ample numbers of exceptions of both genders.
posted by Good Brain at 9:41 PM on September 19, 2007

I think she's concerned about leaning too heavily on any one source of information. In the case of the official channels of religious organizations, obviously, the problem is going to be that someone is trying to pitch you a sanitized version of a complicated lifestyle choice.

In any case, this is all good advice. The facebook route in particular is a stellar example that we hadn't considered. I think she'll cast a wide net and then narrow her search once she gets a sense for what's out there.

Thanks for all the suggestions.
posted by felix betachat at 9:52 PM on September 19, 2007

Based on observations I have made over the years, I'd say that roleplaying conventions would be an excellent place to find male virgins.
posted by tim_in_oz at 10:25 PM on September 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

There's an abstinent/asexual sub-culture in the furry world... those would be some interesting people to talk to.
posted by loiseau at 10:45 PM on September 19, 2007

there's an article in this month's issue of bitch about the asexual movement, which might be a good source for non-religious abstinents
posted by kelseyq at 12:10 AM on September 20, 2007