If I tell myself I'm ok, am I ok (or will I be)?

September 18, 2007 8:38 AM

My question is not "do self-affirmations work?," but rather "have they worked for you?" I would appreciate hearing from people who have used self-affirmations to bring about (significant?) change in their lives.

I hate myself. I constantly judge myself and tell myself ('selftalk,' I've heard it called) I'm lousy, lazy, a loser, etc. I also judge others, though this is also almost exclusively by interior monologue. The selftalk, especially, gets worse when I go through a period of low motivation or mild depression (as I am right now ... though, the fact that I am finally making the effort to post my first question on AskMe is a sign I may be moving out of it). I know this way of thinking/acting is debilitating and self-destructive, and the words may not even be true, but I suppose it's a habit now, that I need to break. My wife suggests self-affirmations. At least I think that's what they're called: I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! But I guess I'm no Stewart Smalley. I think I understand the idea that what you're trying to do is replace the destructive habit with a constructive one, but I can't get my head around the idea of telling myself what feels like a lie over and over again with the aim of it eventually (miraculously) coming true. Still, I know I need to try something to break out of this rut, and so I'd like to hear from any others who have tried this and seen positive results. Bonus points for those who found (or can suggest) a way to suspend the disbelief, IOW feel that it's ridiculous but somehow believe in it anyway. Also helpful would be exmaples that are not too ridiculous or over-the-top.

I found this previous question, and I have to say that suggestions like "Practice loving yourself" or "Quit worrying about anything that doesn't bring you joy" are maddeningly frustrating for me. "Stop judging yourself" isn't going to help me much, I'm afraid.

I feel I could go on (and on), but unless there are comments that I've been unclear or incomplete in my question, I guess I'll leave it at that...

Thanks in advance for any/all answers.

posted by segatakai to human relations (31 comments total)

Well, in my experience the fact that you're willing to change the problem is the most important piece. I know all too many people who not only think they're losers, but also think that they are always going to feel that way no matter what. Your attitude is a lot better than that.

I do believe affirmations work, and I've had some success with using them (though more in a goal-achieving sense than your purpose).

Give me some time and I'll dig up a couple good "mindhacking" links that I've read recently.
posted by PFL at 8:52 AM on September 18, 2007

I also think 'affirmations' are waffly and useless, so I think I understand where you're coming from. The traditional recommendation here (for depression in general) is the book Feeling Good, by David Burns. I'm currently reading it, and I think it deals well with this issue. It has a lot of specific techniques for both tracking and dealing with specific thoughts and thought patterns, and comes with glowing recommendations from everyone I've ever heard mention it. There's quite a lot in there, and I'm too tired and not sure enough I grasped it all to give you specific examples from the text, but see if you can get a copy from your library or off Amazon.
posted by jacalata at 8:56 AM on September 18, 2007

I would check here, here, and here. It all will probably seem a little hokey to some people but I've found it tremendously useful for getting into a good mental state. There are other good posts there but those should get you started.
posted by PFL at 8:58 AM on September 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

Sometimes, I'll start in on a task, and before long, despair sets in. I think to myself, "This is going to take forever!" That's an example of some mild negative judgement. You're right that it doesn't help any to replace that with a lie like, "No it isn't! You'll be done in 10 minutes!" That's where "stop judging" comes in. For me, the appropriate reply is, "Don't think about how long it's going to take, because you just plain have to do it. Just keep going, and eventually it will be done." A little while later, the despair pops back in. So, more pep-talk, "Yes, it's a huge project, but the only way through it is to do it." "Again, stop focusing on how big it is, and just do the piece in front of you." At the end of the day, I mentally congratulate myself for being stoic and plugging away, but I don't tell myself I'm amazing. It's appropriate praise.

Ultimately, you have to mentally talk to yourself as though you were talking to a kid that you didn't want to damage, but you want to be reasonably truthful towards.

So if your internal voice says, "I suck at this, everyone else is better," picture that kid saying it out loud, and formulate your reply. Something reasonable might be, "Well, you're not as good as other people yet, because you only just started learning it/you've never had any good examples. If you keep trying, eventually you'll improve."
posted by xo at 9:01 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Instead of a self-affirmation, you just need an honest, loving vision of yourself. Meditate on this, think of times in recent memory when you have been at your best. Then all you need to do is select a word or phrase that you can attach to that vision, so at key moments you can use that word or phrase to remind you of those memories, of that vision.

Sometimes saying it out loud helps. Sometimes you just need to repeat it in your mind a few times. Rather than say words and just try to make yourself believe in them, do this instead, so that you are merely reminding yourself of some specific memory or concept of yourself that you know to be undeniably true.
posted by hermitosis at 9:03 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Affirmations have not been particularly useful for me. What has worked, when I find myself criticizing myself, is to ask "What is this commentary adding to the situation?" and then realize that calling myself a loser for not cleaning the house or whatever wasn't getting the house more clean, and in fact was probably impeding the process. Though it can be hard to untrain years of that sort of automatic negativity, the act of catching myself doing it helps. It also helps if I think "If you were a parent, would you want someone talking to your kid this way? No? Ok, so get in the habit of not letting anyone talk to *you* that way..."
posted by judith at 9:03 AM on September 18, 2007

You don't need self-affirmations, you need to change your thought pattern. You need to be kinder to yourself.

Basically, if you're depressed, you are probably much harsh on yourself than on others. It's a great step that you realize you're thinking too negatively. I suggest you make an effort to imagine you are judging someone else. Something like "If my wife just made this mistake would I be calling her a loser? No! I would love her anyway! Why do I think I'm a loser then? Silly me!". And whenever you deconstruct your own negative thoughts successfuly give yourself a reward for your accomplishment.

Anyway, it sounds like you need cognitive therapy. There's an online mood gym. Give it a try. Results here.
posted by lucia__is__dada at 9:04 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Bonus points for those who found (or can suggest) a way to suspend the disbelief, IOW feel that it's ridiculous but somehow believe in it anyway. Also helpful would be exmaples that are not too ridiculous or over-the-top.

For me, actually saying an affirmation outloud (or even in my head) never works because I'm so aware that it's coming from me. If I write something down and read it, however, there's enough of a disconnect that I can start to believe it. I don't mean write it down and then immediately read it, I mean write down one thing you want to tell yourself, and put it somewhere you will see it alot, without even trying. I put mine on the back of a business card and stick it between the keys of my keyboard. After a while, it's almost like you didn't even write it, it's just this piece of paper that's just there, that you read from time to time. I myself prefer totally over-the-top affirmations ("You are a teenage cyclops street magician."), but one that I find to be simple and effective is one I stole from a fortune cookie: "You will be the best." It's so open ended, and it's phrased in the future tense that it's almost impossible to poo-poo.
posted by 23skidoo at 9:06 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't know that they've worked for me in a general sense, but I know that after I got on some medication (paxil), they came in handy once or twice. For me it was more of a figurative shouting in my head "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" (or something along those lines anyway) when the "you're/i'm worthless" kind of thoughts tried crapflooding my brain.

Like you, I'm skepical of the Stewart Smalley stuff, as it seems to be so much BS to me. The main thing is recognizing those negative kind of thoughts, so that they don't have free reign. (which is the hardest part for me)
posted by ArgentCorvid at 9:07 AM on September 18, 2007

Affirmations don't have to be complete lies. Try adapting your judgementalism to produce some reasonable affirmations, things like "Everyone here is as uncomfortable as I am," or "No one works as hard as he thinks he should," or "No one thinks he looks good in a bathing suit"; these are pretty much true, but also serve to put your own discomfort/laziness/body-image issues in context.

After a while, these should subtly shift to "I'm not any more uncomfortable than anyone else," etc. This sort of thing has worked pretty well for me.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:08 AM on September 18, 2007

Read this article. The brain really is stupid enough to believe anything it hears over and over again, whether it's true or not.
posted by happyturtle at 9:13 AM on September 18, 2007

Oh yeah, the reason I mentioned the medication, was that it seemed much easier for me to be on the lookout for thoughts like "I'm worthless" or "No, don't say that, you'll look stupid", and see them as possibilities instead of certainties
posted by ArgentCorvid at 9:15 AM on September 18, 2007

Yes. This worked for me. I won't go into detail, but a few years ago I was a wreck, and now I'm obnoxiously cheerful. This involved no drugs. Instead I learned to train myself into better selftalk.

I have found that the key is that your soothing statement/affirmation/whatever you want to call it that doesn't piss you off cannot be too far from where you are.

So if I'm so miserable that I can't get out of bed, saying: "I am healthy and optimistic!" is just going to make me feel worse. But saying something like "Well, I've certainly felt better than this in the past, so the odds are pretty good that I'll feel better in the future." will help just a little.

I think it's an inch-by-inch situation. You have to replace tiny bits of negative thinking with tiny bits of positive thinking. You can't (or at least I couldn't) go from one day to the next and radically shift how you think about things.

But if you give it time and make it your goal to feel slightly better from moment to moment, and to have a kind of general forward momentum of increased cheerfulness, you will get to a point where you realize that you're a radically different thinker than you once were. It just doesn't happen overnight.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 9:30 AM on September 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

The hallmark of the depressive phases of my own life have been, more than anything, this negative self-talk.

As to affirmations, I've found them most helpful when they are simple, and have arisen from within. The best arise spontaneously, and I repeat them rhythmically (silently) while walking. That can be very grounding and empowering.

If I'm stuck, I sometimes use writing as a jumping-off point. Most inspiring for me has been Write It Down, Make It Happen, which provides a blueprint for arriving at one's own goals and tools for how to get behind your own program, which depending on the day, might even be as simple as "I want to live a happy life." Affirmations flow from there.
posted by pammo at 9:32 AM on September 18, 2007

Another thing is to keep a journal of all the times when your negative self talk was/is incorrect. It's really easy to forget the times when you said "I'm a complete loser" and won, and to remebmer the times when you said "I'm a complete loser" and lost. With a "success journal", you'll have a concrete record of your success instead of just your tricky memory.
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:38 AM on September 18, 2007

I don't care much for self-help platitudes, because I too feel like they're hokey and phony. I agree that cognitive therapy is something to look into. The seminal book on that is Feeling Good by David Burns (mentioned/endorsed in this askme, among others).
posted by O9scar at 9:41 AM on September 18, 2007

Self-affirmations in the sense of "I'm okay, I'm good at this" haven't been particularly useful per se, but what has been useful is something that prompts me to take action. My shortcut mantra is simply this: Reduce suffering. (Or substitute "stress" for "suffering" if it makes more sense to you.) It appeals to my sense of logic, because "continue suffering" or "increase suffering" make no sense. Therefore "reducing suffering" is the only rational option. There is almost always something I can do to reduce my anxiety, pain, or stress level. And I almost always know in my gut what that is, even if I don't initially want to do it. Once I've identified it, it really doesn't make sense NOT to do it unless I want to continue or increase my suffering. Doing the needed action is what makes me feel better about myself, not merely saying the words.
posted by desjardins at 9:44 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

thehmsbeagle has it (as usual!).

Nobody with a decently analytical mind would ever believe blatant lies or things that fall so far from the current state of affairs that they seem impossible. So don't do that. Instead, focus on improving by degrees.

From personal experience, yes, they can work. It took us about a year to conceive. As the months ticked by, I started to get more and more anxious about when and whether it would happen. It wasn't until I found this gentle gem, printed it out and put it somewhere where I'd see it frequently (but only me, not for public view) - that I started to relax about the process. The next cycle I did indeed get pregnant with our 18-month old twins.

A gentle unfolding in due time.

Nothing huge, nothing earthshattering - just a reminder that things come when they're due. It probably sounds hokey to many, but it certainly helped me.
posted by widdershins at 9:55 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

nthing Feeling Good. The book changed my life forever. I had (and still have to an extent) the same problem you do. do everything the book says--make sure you do the actual exercises over and over again--and you will see a noticeable mood change.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:04 AM on September 18, 2007

I like to think of affirmations as Tibetan prayer wheels. You spin your thoughts around and around in your head and it becomes manifest. You can make your own "prayer wheels" in the physical world too, for example slide shows, recordings that repeat, etc. I would also suggest to check out Joseph Campbells'
videos from your library. He is so sane and grounded that it rubs off.
posted by JohnR at 10:15 AM on September 18, 2007

I benefit a lot from repeating to myself a few things that I already know/believe, but that I forget when I'm discouraged. The "affirmations" have to feel honest, or they're useless for me.

"Feeling Good" is way too cheerful, and the explanations can be irritating. But really, many of the exercises work amazingly well. So try to ignore the stuff that makes you want to slap the author, and give it a try.
posted by wryly at 10:49 AM on September 18, 2007

There's that inner voice that says "you'll mess this up" or "it's got to be great" or "they'll see me for the fraud I really am".

You know what: everyone messes up sometimes, and when they do, they do their best to fix it, and they're not afraid to ask for help. You're not perfect and you have no obligation to be, and no-one expects that of you.

You have a duty to be honest with yourself. Affirmations, counting your blessings, do make a difference. Like others say, they don't have to be self-deceptive in order to help.
posted by idb at 10:51 AM on September 18, 2007

Seconding thehmsBeagle (and wryly on preview). Repeat something you already pretty much believe to be true. Over and over. I think the constant repetitions are an important part of this. Eventually you'll be willing to believe something even more optimistic. Revise accordingly, repeat.
posted by klarck at 10:52 AM on September 18, 2007

Try giving up on positive thinking, and doing positive focusing instead.

More info.

When I started doing this, it made it so much easier to do affirmations. For example, I'm overweight. I know this, and telling myself that I'm not isn't going to make me thin. I'm just going to be lying to myself. However, focusing on the exercise I do, and the dietary changes I make, and really praising myself for them, really makes me feel good about myself. "I've empowered myself to make a change. I will be thin. Etc." I start out with the attitude that these are *good things*, and really lay on the self congratulation with a shovel, and the negative voice doesn't get a look in. I just get into the habit of feeding the good voice, and starving the negative one (or in fact not giving it any power at all, and just letting it wither), and it soon spills over into the rest of my life.

I find writing down the good stuff that I do really helps, too, so I started my blog. I can look back over it now, and see all the cool things I've done, and feel good about them all over again. It's like a two for one coupon. :D

I found that just repeating "I am whatever" to myself over and over made me want to sit and watch TV. It was boring and counter productive. When I did something good, and started adding some feel-good emotions to the thoughts about it, I was hooked.
posted by Solomon at 11:04 AM on September 18, 2007

I've had a lot of luck with affirmations of a sort, but like a lot of people I had to go slowly. When I couldn't imagine feeling good about myself, I tried a kind of truce-- for me this was an "affirmation" something like "I'm stuck with myself, so even though I may not like it, I'm not going to make the situation worse. I'm not allowed to say useless negative things to myself, even if they are true." When I caught myself saying these things I would try to transform the specific criticism, for example, remembering something I wasn't lazy about. If I couldn't contradict a specific criticism, my general fallback was something like "well, I do the best that I can at life, just like everyone else."

something else that helped when the affirmations just seemed too farfetched was to do something nice for myself even if I couldn't think something nice. if you catch yourself being negative, see if you can at least give yourself a short break or other treat.

I also found smiling at myself in the mirror, particularly for more than a second or so, strangely difficult and surprisingly helpful.
posted by lgyre at 11:17 AM on September 18, 2007

Affirmations used to drive me nuts. I couldn't understand how repeating some mantra I didn't really believe was going to change anything. What finally helped was realizing 1) The "I hate myself" voice that constantly played in my head was already an affirmation, and 2) I could replace that negative affirmation with something better!

I let go of feeling not-ridiculous. I was already miserable and was ready to try anything. So what if I didn't believe (yet) that I was awesome? The important part was to shut up the voice that said I sucked.

Once I realized I really could do something about the negative thinking, I started finding realistic affirmations I could believe in. Some days are better than others, but the main thing is to try to feel better. I truly hope you find what works for you - nobody deserves to spend their life hating themselves.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:54 AM on September 18, 2007

Some NLP insight... What thehmsbeagle did (which is quite amazing) is realted to something in NLP called chaining, where rather than switching from one internal state to a radically different one you chain it by building intermediate states. For example, from Depressed to Exhilarated might be quite a stretch, but you can do it in stages, e.g.,
Depressed -> Hopeless -> Frustrated -> Curious about why frustrated -> Actively seeking answers -> Getting some perspective -> Noticing some possibilities -> entertaining some possibilities -> believing more than doubting about some possibilities -> really considering some possibilities -> getting excited about a possibility -> being exhilarated

While this seems like a long chain .. you do it in a short amount of time .. just give yourself leading comments to go from one to the next.

The other NLP insight is about submodalities.. Notice the quality of the voice you are using when you say the things you believe and the ones you don't, and then change the voice. For example, you might change the "negative" comments to be in a squeaky clown voice, while the ones that are more resourceful might come in a caring sincere voice nearby or whatever works for you.
posted by blueyellow at 12:20 PM on September 18, 2007

Affirmations work for me, but I try to phrase them as ongoing changes: I'm becoming more flexible, I'm learning to be more optimistic, I'm not judging myself as much, I'm learning to let go of negative thoughts, I'm figuring out how to be happy.

Because the whole thing is a process, anyway, and I think it's nice to remind yourself that whatever little steps you can take (including just reminding yourself to think nice things about yourself) are a valuable part of that process.
posted by occhiblu at 1:28 PM on September 18, 2007

Maybe start with something simple and concrete.

I bit my nails non stop until I was 16 and recommended affirmations in a speed reading class. "I grow my fingernails. I leave my fingernails alone. I have long fingernails." I'd previously never made 48 hours without biting them. Like magic I stopped. For about a month.

The problem was I stopped talking to myself after the first two weeks. Since then over the years, I've found that with time I need some maintenance. Every night for the first week of a new habit/meme. Then, taper down to once a week, and after that once a month should hopefully hold things.

Of course, that said I'd recently gone over a year with no biting, but lately have had problems with it, and am at the one week point. I haven't been good with the affirmations, and worse, I've fallen back into my mental speech about how I'm a stupid fuck up.

I intend to get better about consistently talking to myself before sleep, and I think I'll take hms beagle's advice of degree as well.

The biggest part of the trick for me, is talking to myself before sleep, and trying to have awareness between my conscious and unconscious mind. The mere fact that I can look down, and suddenly be surprised by a wave of pain as I become aware that all of my nails are chewed to the point of pain has taught me well that my consciousness isn't all there is to this sack of meat.
posted by nobeagle at 1:31 PM on September 18, 2007

Think of the affirmations as a statement of objective rather than as a statement of fact.

"I will make a case, it will be three layered, with lots of chocolate in between, with cherries on top, covered with whipped cream, sprinkled with colored candy. Tonight I will sit at the table with all my friends, we will enjoy the cake, and merrily discuss how great it is to have cake in our life."

Action is easy when your objective is this clear. Make it vivid in your mind, in full color, with relief and details. So clear you can feel it. Flesh it out until your emotional self is in contact now with the joy that the result will bring you.

With an objective in this tangible, the effort comes easily. "People like me" is meant to recall, within you, for a moment, the wonderful taste of having people liking you. That taste will fuel your actions.
posted by gmarceau at 8:51 PM on September 18, 2007

Thank you, everybody, for your thoughtful responses.

FWIW, I've decided to give affirmations a try, sort of.

While a few have said they've found success by jumping right in with the gung-ho type affirmations, my take is that the responses seem rather mixed on the effectiveness of affirmations in the strictest sense. However, the notion of 'hacking' the idea of affirmations and making them one's own, or turning them into more of a reaction to (or replacement of) one's own inner dialogue seems to be a common point, and is appealing to me.

So, I've come up with the following affirmations for myself (I'm feeling a lot better today, thank you):

• I will start small, and move through to the place I want to be (Doggone it, I like me!) over time, avoiding self-deceptive selftalk/affirmations, and keep in mind the idea of "positive focusing" (over "positive thinking").
thank you, MrMoonPie, thehmsbeagle, widdershins,ldb, klarck, blueyellow, occhiblu, solomon
• I will try to phrase any affirmations in the future tense, and perhaps write them down instead of speaking them out loud.
thank you 23skidoo
• I will try phrasing the selftalk/affirmations as I would if speaking to my wife or a child.
thank you, xo, judith, luciaisdada
• I will pick up a copy of "Feeling Good", and consider "Write It Down, Make It Happen."
thank you, jacalata, pammo, 09scar, Ironmouth
• I will consider keeping a success journal, and/or making a re-commitment to working on my personal blog.
thank you nooneyouknow, solomon
posted by segatakai at 6:25 AM on September 19, 2007