How do I deal with a combative roommate?
September 18, 2007 2:43 AM   Subscribe

Help me deal with some seemingly intractable roommate issues (with bonus substance abuse drama.)

I recently took a room in an apartment on a month-to-month sublet basis and am having a very hard time making things work. I work around 8:30 AM to 5 PM and wake up around 6:30 AM. My roommate works nights and generally gets home in the middle of the morning.

I'm admittedly a light sleeper, but generally I get accustomed to my situation and can deal with the normal disturbances a roommate causes when entering, getting ready for bed, etc.

However, my roommate seems to be in the midst of a full-blown substance abuse jag. So she gets home ~3:30 AM, turns on the stereo and television (right outside my room) and becomes extremely belligerent when I politely (I think) ask her to keep the noise down. And then she rails on me about all the things I'm doing wrong as a roommate and this is who she is, and belittles me for taking antidepressants that she saw in the medicine cabinet, calls me a fag, etc. So, yeah, I'm, like, not getting much sleep. (She'll keep it up until after I leave for work.)

So, believe it or not, a few days ago I came to the conclusion that things weren't working out and that I'd be moving on to greener pastures. I'm not really interested in having this conversation with her in the middle of the night while she's not sober, but it's been several days since I've seen her in a sober state. I'm not interested in a full-blown interpersonal blowup if I can avoid it. I just want to keep things cordial and relatively peaceful until I'm out of here at the end of the month. And getting some sleep would be cool, too.

So, how do I deal?

(I might be ranting a bit. Forgive me.)

PS-Keep an eye out for my next AskMetafilter question, "How do I get my security deposit back?"
posted by bdk3clash to Human Relations (24 answers total)
 
Extra strength earplugs, and look for somewhere new ASAP.
posted by Solomon at 2:51 AM on September 18, 2007


Fans are good for generating white noise.
posted by Leon at 2:52 AM on September 18, 2007


Response by poster: "Extra strength earplugs, and look for somewhere new ASAP."

I've thought about this but I'm really really paranoid about sleeping through my alarm clock. Maybe I'll test this out, thanks.
posted by bdk3clash at 3:03 AM on September 18, 2007


Leave a note? She can read it when she's sober. If you've already decided to leave then there's not much left to do but let her know. Packing all your stuff up would be a bit of a hint ;)

Earplugs would have been my first choice though.
posted by missmagenta at 3:07 AM on September 18, 2007


I should get a commission from Howard Leight earplugs for all the times I've recommended them here. I've never found any remotely as good. (And yet a good loud alarm-clock placed near your head will still penetrate.)
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 3:28 AM on September 18, 2007


PS-Keep an eye out for my next AskMetafilter question, "How do I get my security deposit back?"

Start documenting everything! Audio/video of the roommates drug induced verbal abuse would be a good idea as well.
posted by Sufi at 3:34 AM on September 18, 2007



I've thought about this but I'm really really paranoid about sleeping through my alarm clock.


Do you have a cellphone? If I'm ever in a situation where I'm unsure of whether I'll hear an alarm, I'll turn on my cellphone alarm and put it on vibrate, then put it under my pillow (or even inside the pillowcase). I've never seen one, but I'm sure there's a portable vibrating alarm clock somewhere if you don't have a cellphone.
posted by Meagan at 4:08 AM on September 18, 2007


document her behavior for a week (does your cellphone take video?) while you look for another place, then move. provide the information to your landlord when you petition to break the lease (if there is a penalty). you might have to eat the balance of the month's rent, but it's worth it.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:17 AM on September 18, 2007


re: sleeping through the alarm clock:
Put your cell phone on vibrate, put it under your pillow. I've been doing this for a few months because I sleep through my alarm clock no matter how loud it is. Works like a charm, the bonus being I get up on the first "ring" usually.

As for roommate, if you can't get face time with her (which sounds like it might be confrontational and gross anyway), focus your energies on finding a new dwelling, and if you haven't seen her sober in a long time, just give her your notice with no explanation why. On the night you leave you can write her a long letter explaining what she's done as a roommate (featuring the tone of your choice - mean, spiteful, concerned, etc).
posted by SassHat at 4:43 AM on September 18, 2007


Audio/video of the roommates drug induced verbal abuse would be a good idea as well.

That won't help you get your security deposit back.
posted by oaf at 5:03 AM on September 18, 2007


Response by poster: "Audio/video of the roommates drug induced verbal abuse would be a good idea as well.

That won't help you get your security deposit back."

Agreed. She's a nice enough person, I guess, but I'm really not interested in the interpersonal dynamics here (revenge/spite/concern/etc.) I just want to move on for now and hopefully get my security deposit back.

Well, off to work. Hopefully I can catch some sleep on the comparatively tranquil L train. :-)
posted by bdk3clash at 5:14 AM on September 18, 2007


Just leave her a note. Write a nice long ranty version explaining precisely what a asshat she is. Keep this for yourself. Write a short, succinct, drama-free version to leave for your soon-to-be-ex roomate.
posted by desuetude at 6:06 AM on September 18, 2007


You don't get your deposit back; you tell whoever is holding it to use it for your last month's rent. However, if you are planning to leave at the end of September and you have not told her yet, you owe her for October anyway.
posted by dame at 6:36 AM on September 18, 2007


Get anything you treasure out of the place before you leave the note.
posted by brujita at 6:37 AM on September 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


I work around 8:30 AM to 5 PM and wake up around 6:30 AM. My roommate works nights and generally gets home in the middle of the morning.

You're right: you're never going to fix this. So just leave, even if you have to lose the deposit. Look for a place where the other occupants come home earlier (normal hours) or later (when you're getting up or already gone).

Meanwhile, just live with it. You have a couple of weeks until the end of the month to wear yourself out finding a better place. That may help you sleep through the noise.

(Cities need more miniature one-person apartments.)
posted by pracowity at 6:37 AM on September 18, 2007


I had my mother call me to wake me up for a few days when I was on medication and afraid I'd sleep through my alarm. She'd call until I answered to be sure I was up. I know it feels a little like having your mom wake you up for school, but earplugs and a sympathetic friend or family member might be a great temporary solution until you can get out of this chaotic, wholly unnacceptable mess. Now is the time to ask for a little help.

It's great you're month to month - I'm assuming that means no lease and no legal hassles when you quietly take a sick day from work, pack up your belongings, and move without explaining to this nut why you're leaving.

Normally I wouldn't agree to cut your losses and run because I don't think abusive drunks should profit from their crappy, abusive behavior, but in this situation I agree with pracowity. Better to leave now even if you have to eat the cash. If you can find a workable solution to the sleep and noise problems in the meantime, you could stretch it into October and forfeit your security deposit for October rent just to get your money's worth and buy some time to find the best possible living arrangement, but then you'd have to actually have a conversation with this person about why you're not paying the rent AND you'd have to live with her for several more weeks. She's not reasonable - if you can afford it, chalk it up to experience and start looking for another place today.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 7:03 AM on September 18, 2007


Re: sleeping through alarm clock:

Go to the hardware store and buy those timer things you can plug your lamps into (they are cheap). Set all your lights to come out at 6:00 a.m. with alarm.

Place cell phone on hard wood surface and ring/vibrate, so it will be noisier.

And get the heck out of that apartment.
posted by 4ster at 7:04 AM on September 18, 2007


Also if you have any valuables or anything that can be pawned easily that you cannot secure on your car/person at all times, move that into storage or with a friend immediately. You don't want your roommate getting any ideas that you're moving out and that you'll lose it in the move. Or have her thinking you're a huge bitch and you deserve to have things stolen from you.
posted by geoff. at 7:29 AM on September 18, 2007


Alarm clocks guaranteed to wake you up.

Move. Line up a place, get your valuables out, have a conversation if you can catch your roomie sober, but if not, no bigs, leave a note. Just get out.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:38 AM on September 18, 2007


I agree with everyone that says you should give up trying to talk to her and just leave a note, but I think either she's going to toss it before even reading it and be glad she's rid of you, or she'll flip out with a vengeance. Beware moving day may be hell. (Maybe you should move out gradually, taking the lighter stuff and your clothes to the new place before the actual move out, so that you can get out as fast as possible once she knows you're going.)

And yes, you should document everything, be it taking photos or recording your "conversations". You may never need it -hopefully- but you just never know how crazy a person can get. Oh and make sure you photograph you stuff as it is, your room and your belongings, just in case she goes ona rampage.
posted by AnyGuelmann at 8:46 AM on September 18, 2007


Clarification: Oh yes, leave the note AFTER you move your stuff out.
posted by desuetude at 9:00 AM on September 18, 2007


Whose name is on the lease? And who is listed as a resident (legally responsible party) or an occupant (not legally responsible but still has the right to be there, like a child)? I know these questions seem esoteric, but they effect your game plan, at least if you want to ever have credit again. If you are listed as a resident, and she is not, you give notice that you are moving and inform roomie that you are both out at the end of October (keep in mind, if your lease is not up, there will be some fees and charges; your well-being is worth a few hundred bucks, right?). If you are both residents, tell landlord you will be moving out at the end of October but she is staying and you will need to sign whatever papers will release you and transfer the entire lease into her name. Just tell the landlord "it isn't working out". If you are an occupant, say nothing, move, and on your way out give the key to the manager and say you are no longer an occupant kthnx bai.

Chances are that unless the lease is up and you are both moving out, you are not getting your security deposit back (unless you are wiling to take roomie to small claims court, check your local jurisdiction for requirements and details). No manager gives security deposits back to anybody until the apartment is vacant and inspected and all charges are settled, period.

Anything you choose to document is for police purposes, not landlord purposes. Do not think you can show your landlord a video of roommate freaking out and get out of your lease; at best nothing will happen and at worst she will evict you both for non-rent breach and put it on the credit report(s) of whomever is legally responsible. Furthermore, since your documentation is for police purposes, make sure you keep it at an off-site location (friend's house, desk at work, storage locker, heck even a safe deposit box).

If you honestly think she is "in the midst of a full-blown substance abuse jag," then quietly make sure your valuables are secure, do not call attention to this fact. In fact, anything you can quietly move elsewhere before moving day you probably should. Junkies are notorious for running out of money and "borrowing" from friends and family. For a variety of reasons, you do not want to live with a junkie, and a talk or a note is unlikely to make things better. You will want moving day to be as whirlwind as possible: lots of friends (who are also more importantly *witnesses*) and/or a hired crew to whom you will explain the situation and let them know they only answer to you, they are not to accept any orders from anybody else under any circumstances.

Good luck.
posted by ilsa at 9:10 AM on September 18, 2007


I empathize with your plight, and I know this doesn't answer your question, but if you need a wake-up call I can confidently recommend Snoozster.com. Their free trial gives you 10 free calls which should get you through the end of the month.
posted by goml at 9:24 AM on September 18, 2007


You probly wont get your security deposit back just tell them to apply it to your next month rent.
posted by Rolandkorn at 11:34 AM on September 19, 2007


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