Shouldn't 4 months be long enough to get over this?

September 17, 2007 7:02 PM

Can/should I be friends with my ex?

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in the beginning of June, almost 4 months ago. It sucked. We never really stopped talking between then and now and see each other about 3 times a month, sometimes slightly more. It's fine, except for one thing, when he talks about dating or some girl that has asked him out, I get upset. I guess I still have residual feelings for him, but I would never get back together with him. It was too messy of a breakup for that.

So why can't I just let it go?

We were friends for almost 2 years before we started going out, if that helps. I really want him in my life, as a friend. But how can I do that if he is reluctant to tell me about his love life because of how I've reacted in the past?

Can we just press on and eventually it won't bother me? Do I just need time? I'm really reluctant to cut and run on this one.

Happy to clarify if any of that was unclear or scattered.

posted by heavenstobetsy to Human Relations (28 answers total)

You need some time completely apart. I'm still quite close with one of my exes, but that was after a couple of years of near-zero contact. You need enough time to actually get over the relationship, to start living your life without him and get comfortable in your own skin. It's not always possible to be friends with exes, but when it is possible, it's only possible once both parties are actually over the relationship, and as long as you think you have "residual feelings" which aren't just feelings of friendship, you aren't actually over the relationship.
posted by biscotti at 7:06 PM on September 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

I would impose some sort of no contact period and then maybe start seeing each other as friends. You need some time with him out of your life. I would say 3 to 6 months minimum, with zero contact. You have never really made the transition from dating to friends, so its natural you can't just see him as a friend yet.
posted by whoaali at 7:08 PM on September 17, 2007

Give yourself time. Get some distance & perspective. Then see what happens once the dust has settled & the wounds aren't fresh and still stinging.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:21 PM on September 17, 2007

Can/should I be friends with my ex?

Yes you can, no you shouldn't. Personal opinion.
posted by ets960 at 7:26 PM on September 17, 2007

I was on your boyfriend's situation once. I was perfectly ok being friends but the guy just came up to me a couple months after the break-up saying "I just can't see you anymore, it hurts too much".
Try staying away for some time - as long as you need. He should accept that and hopefully you can get back in touch once the thought of him being with another girl doesn't bother you anymore.
posted by AnyGuelmann at 7:32 PM on September 17, 2007

I've been friends with all of my exes, but none without some period of complete non-contact. I call it radio silence. I firmly believe that every relationship needs this in between the breakup and the friendship. My quiet periods have ranged from about three months to five years. Basically you just have to start the process, be firm and resolute about it, and give yourself at least a couple of months before checking to see how you feel about him. This means no phone calls, no email, no IM, no texting, no reading his blog, no looking at what his away message is, nothing. You need to remove all the overt reminders of him, and then wait until the intangible reminders of him diminish on their own. Once you've gotten some distance and perspective, you'll be able to tell whether you still want to be friends, and whether you can be.
posted by autojack at 7:35 PM on September 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

I agree with the idea that you need time apart, like completely apart where you don't see each other, so you have the opportunity to move on. You won't go back to being "friends" until you fully purge yourself of the gf/bf relationship feelings... you can definitely be friends, but you need time to actually move on. Contact before then will only lengthen the process.
posted by wangarific at 7:36 PM on September 17, 2007

Yea, four months isn't very long. I don't know how long you were together but for long term relationships/marriages the rule of thumb I was given was to wait a whole year. That way you've gone through one of each of the holidays/anniversaries without that person.

I'm friends with both my ex-wife and with an ex-girlfriend but it took some distance both times.
posted by octothorpe at 7:37 PM on September 17, 2007

It's perfectly normal to feel this way. Time will fix it. If you were in deep, it can take a lot of time. Or finding someone new.

I've always stayed friends or at least friendly with my exes. My last breakup took well over a year to really get over. And it could be hard to be around her sometimes. We did set a rule that we wouldn't talk about our love lives with each other unless the other signaled it was OK, and we'd give each other a head's-up if we were bringing a date to an event we'd both be at. Some nerves stay raw for a long time. But I did get to a point where I could be genuinely happy for her when she was in a good relationship.
posted by adamrice at 7:38 PM on September 17, 2007

I'm friends with most of my exes, but -- as radiojack says -- it involves a necessary period of radio silence (many months; sometimes years -- yep, years). The thing is, in order for a genuine friendship to emerge (or re-emerge, in the case of having been friends before going out), you have to mutually be over each other, be over any residual trauma of the breakup, and have no desire to get back together. All of that is indeed possible, but it takes time. Time, time, blasted time.
posted by scody at 7:47 PM on September 17, 2007

er, as autojack says.
posted by scody at 7:48 PM on September 17, 2007

I completely agree with the no contact period. It's the ONLY way. I'm friends with all but one ex. There's anger around breakups. You have to let that stuff have the space it needs. And you have to refind your separate lives before you move ahead with a new, different relationship.
posted by abbyladybug at 7:58 PM on September 17, 2007

But how can I do that if he is reluctant to tell me about his love life because of how I've reacted in the past?

One more thing: a friendship with an ex may or may not involve discussing love lives. My ex-husband and I can discuss our subsequent relationships in general terms (but it took at least 3 or 4 years after our split to get there); one ex-bf and I can discuss our relationships in great detail till the cows come home; and another ex and I have never, ever, ever breathed a word of our post-breakup love lives to each other. Each dynamic works for each particular friendship. So it varies. Don't try to force any expectations on how a friendship with an ex "should" be.

But again, that's all putting the cart waaay before the horse for now anyway.
posted by scody at 8:25 PM on September 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Here's how I look at it:

Getting over someone is WORK. It doesn't just happen.

There are various neurological processes at work that are trying to make you maintain connection to this person no matter what, for evolutionary reasons. Does that make sense? You're basically addicted to the little squirt of dopeamine or whatever when you talk to him.

It's like quitting any other drug. Go cold turkey for a while, you'll stop wanting it. Nothing personal towards him.

There will come a time when you can be friends, yes, but not yet, not for a while. You'll know when.
posted by milinar at 8:28 PM on September 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

I nth the "no contact" advice.
posted by clh at 8:29 PM on September 17, 2007

Speaking only from personal experience...

consider yourself lucky you got to spend the time together that you did, but move on entirely. Unfortunately, you are probably going to end up giving him priority in your life just as when you were dating. You will turn down other friends and not go to other events in order to hang with him. This will only keep you from meeting new people and getting back on the horse.

I held onto my ex for about 3 months and then decided to just let it go. I have had so much fun and met so many people since then.

In my opinion, you're MUCH better off just moving forward. You don't have to break it off or be mean about it, just remember that this person is a friend, but not top priority any longer. I do recommend cutting off contact entirely, but different strokes for different folks.
posted by ThFullEffect at 8:32 PM on September 17, 2007

I think friendships (and relationships more generally) are very valuable things. It sounds like you are still too close to your breakup to be around your ex-boyfriend at this time, but if this is a person who you have had an established friendship with I would suggest that you take some time away from him and then see if you can be friends again. It might take a few months or it might take a few years, but if you are both willing to still be friends you should be able to re-establish that friendship, given time.

For what it's worth, of the two significant relationships I have been in, the girl who I was friends with first I was unable to maintain our friendship after our relationship broke up, while the girl that I met through dating I was able to be friends with after we broke up. Your mileage may vary.
posted by meditative_zebra at 8:51 PM on September 17, 2007

True catch-22 I once read: the time to try to be friends with an ex is when it no longer matters to either one of you whether or not you're friends.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:32 PM on September 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm quite good friends with a large number of my exes, and in my experience the one very important thing that contributed most to this situation is that we had a long period of almost zero contact before becoming friends again. You both need time to abandon the baggage you've accumulated in the relationship. There's no set limit on how long, but I'd say a year is bare minimum.
posted by nightchrome at 10:26 PM on September 17, 2007

Yes, you can be friends with your ex, but it takes a long time to get there. I was really cut up when a girlfiend dumped me years ago, took 6 months or more to really get over it, mostly because she was still in my social circle so we'd see each other every other weekend. Plus i had to put up with the bozos she dated after me.

Anyway, long story short. Eventually we moved into a share house together, for a while we were great friends, but then she became a pain. We are no longer good friends anymore, although we still see each other around and about and are perfectly civil.

Keep your distance for a while.
posted by robotot at 11:25 PM on September 17, 2007

YMMV, but I've stayed friends with all of my significant exes (significant = 2-5 years). there's usually a bit of a teething issue with jealousy if/when they hook up with somebody else, but you get over it sooner or later. sooner, if you hook up with somebody else first.

actually, i'm staying over at the house of one of them now, on an interstate work trip.

in terms of how long it takes for residual feelings to disappear into near, or complete, friends-only status, i go with the relationship-half-life theory, which states that the time it takes to get over a relationship = approx half the time you were an item. again, YMMV, but i find it's not a bad rule of thumb (especially as it makes me a free agent again, right about now).
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:06 AM on September 18, 2007

afterthought: a don't-ask-don't-tell policy is a decent idea for a while, if you continue to have regular contact, as opposed to the enforced cold turkey period that others here are advocating.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:09 AM on September 18, 2007

Caveat: My ex is a psycho.

We tried the friends thing, but she tried to get me to have sex with her at one point after we broke up, so I told her not to talk to me for a while. I dated around a bit for 3 months, she and I started talking again in month 4, then I met the woman of my dreams at the dog park and I haven't really talked to the ex much since.

Now, the only person I know who stays in touch with her is my roommate, and that's mostly because she's a total train wreck and he can't look away...
posted by SpecialK at 5:52 AM on September 18, 2007

(We're talking Britney Spears-class train wreck here, people.)
posted by SpecialK at 5:52 AM on September 18, 2007

If you have these kind of feelings for him then no.
It'll only end badly.
posted by brautigan at 12:07 PM on September 18, 2007

Im gonna jump on the bandwagon of give it some space, then try out friendship in the future. Preferably when one of you has another significant other in your life. That helps keep it on a friends only basis.

Im great friends with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Actually I really like her new boyfriend too. But you have to be in a place where neither of you is interested in anything but friendship. If one party feels anything more then friendship Id keep your distance.
posted by Tinen at 2:36 PM on September 18, 2007

You can, totally. Would you want to? Eh. That's debatable. I can't be friends with my ex for one simple reason. Every time I see the bastard, I think not of how much I miss him, but how fucking retarded I was to waste THREE YEARS on the fucker. To this day, that still infuriates me to no end. That I let him take advantage of me to that harsh of a degree.

Now, maybe once I'm over being pissed at him still after a year, I can be friends with him. I mean, we were great at being friends and getting along, so that would be nice to get back - just the friend aspect, as I don't have that many IRL.

Yes, IRL.

But right now? No.

So basically I'm echoing everyone else that says give it time, then try again later.
posted by damnjezebel at 6:53 PM on September 18, 2007

If you have enough in common, sure, be friends. My ex and I split up earlier this year. I still care about her a great deal, and I think that she's one of the most wonderful people on the planet. We're still good friends.
posted by drstein at 12:34 PM on September 20, 2007