please advice on killing the "too much" factor.
September 16, 2007 2:09 PM Subscribe
Need for affection quite counterproductive - please advice on killing the "too much" factor.
First of all, yes, I am seeing a shrink. No need to advice the obvious then. But all advices and testimonies are more than welcome.
It goes like this :
- step 1) I feel the need to give/receive love in a meaningful and long-term relationship. This need is quite big. In fact, the size of this need is part of the problem.
- step 2) I meet someone (social function, etc.). Contact is good, I get email address, phone number etc. Everything is set for tyhe beginning of a relationship (friendly or romantic).
- step 3) The problematic one. Since I got a glimpse of possible affection from said person I rush into overkill mode. I email, phone etc. too much, too soon, too often.
- step 4) possible relationship is killed in the bud by an email along the lines of "I'm sorry, I will be a little frank but please let me breathe a little".
- step 5) back to step 1 with grief added and no lesson learned.
This sad behaviour has been with me for most of my adult life. I have been lucky enough to squeeze a few relationships between these failures.
Right now I'm single and not in any kind of relationship and quite frankly, not far from despair.
So, dear, hive, besides the obvious, already done, "go see a shrink", what kind of down-to-earth, practical advice of shared same experiences and way out of this bottleneck can you give.
What I would like to get if words of wisdom, testimonies from been-there-gotten-out-of-it people, practical advice, books to read etc.
my future wonderful love life thanks you in advance
First of all, yes, I am seeing a shrink. No need to advice the obvious then. But all advices and testimonies are more than welcome.
It goes like this :
- step 1) I feel the need to give/receive love in a meaningful and long-term relationship. This need is quite big. In fact, the size of this need is part of the problem.
- step 2) I meet someone (social function, etc.). Contact is good, I get email address, phone number etc. Everything is set for tyhe beginning of a relationship (friendly or romantic).
- step 3) The problematic one. Since I got a glimpse of possible affection from said person I rush into overkill mode. I email, phone etc. too much, too soon, too often.
- step 4) possible relationship is killed in the bud by an email along the lines of "I'm sorry, I will be a little frank but please let me breathe a little".
- step 5) back to step 1 with grief added and no lesson learned.
This sad behaviour has been with me for most of my adult life. I have been lucky enough to squeeze a few relationships between these failures.
Right now I'm single and not in any kind of relationship and quite frankly, not far from despair.
So, dear, hive, besides the obvious, already done, "go see a shrink", what kind of down-to-earth, practical advice of shared same experiences and way out of this bottleneck can you give.
What I would like to get if words of wisdom, testimonies from been-there-gotten-out-of-it people, practical advice, books to read etc.
my future wonderful love life thanks you in advance
What happens between steps 4 and 5? Are you unable to give the requested breathing room?
posted by xo at 2:25 PM on September 16, 2007
posted by xo at 2:25 PM on September 16, 2007
Yea, I second meeting your own needs first. Pu another way learn how to be alone first. The goal is to get to the point where you'd like someone to care about, but you don't NEED someone to care about.
Once you don't feel you absolutely require it, you won't necessarily pounce and smother potential suitors. In the beginning, the less someone needs you the more compelling you'll be. There is a fine line between expressing significant interest and rushing straight to a deep emotional connection with another person. It's important that your connection with one another progress in relative tandem.
Good luck
posted by JakeLL at 2:29 PM on September 16, 2007
Once you don't feel you absolutely require it, you won't necessarily pounce and smother potential suitors. In the beginning, the less someone needs you the more compelling you'll be. There is a fine line between expressing significant interest and rushing straight to a deep emotional connection with another person. It's important that your connection with one another progress in relative tandem.
Good luck
posted by JakeLL at 2:29 PM on September 16, 2007
A lot of this comes down to not needing the connection so badly. Learn to appreciate who you are as a person and what you have in your life right now. By becoming more self-sufficient, you'll stop putting all of your attention on this one other person. If he/she calls back, great. If not, no big deal. You need other things going on in your life that you feel good about so that a response feels like icing on the cake rather than the whole dinner and dessert. It's a confidence issue.
From personal experience, I try to remind myself of this before I hit the send button or before I dial the number. "He'll call back, and if he doesn't, it's no big deal." Then, I find something else to distract myself with. Go shopping. Watch some TV. Read the news. Call a friend and chat for a while. Remembering to have fun whether or not you get that validation from others is extremely important.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 2:35 PM on September 16, 2007 [3 favorites]
From personal experience, I try to remind myself of this before I hit the send button or before I dial the number. "He'll call back, and if he doesn't, it's no big deal." Then, I find something else to distract myself with. Go shopping. Watch some TV. Read the news. Call a friend and chat for a while. Remembering to have fun whether or not you get that validation from others is extremely important.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 2:35 PM on September 16, 2007 [3 favorites]
I have the problem in step 1, but none of the rest. You know what really helped me? Making sure other aspects of my life focused on loving others as well (rather than just concentrating on finding love in a romantic setting).
I am now a teacher, I give myself to my children every day, and the problem has been ameliorated.
Even if you can't change your profession, seriously give some thought to beginning volunteer work or something in service toward others.
posted by liberalintellect at 3:16 PM on September 16, 2007
I am now a teacher, I give myself to my children every day, and the problem has been ameliorated.
Even if you can't change your profession, seriously give some thought to beginning volunteer work or something in service toward others.
posted by liberalintellect at 3:16 PM on September 16, 2007
In the short term, maybe try keeping a friend in the loop... someone who you trust to be honest and frank with you. That way, before you propose on your second date, he/she can remind you to take it easy and slow down.
posted by yehaskel at 3:37 PM on September 16, 2007
posted by yehaskel at 3:37 PM on September 16, 2007
Get a pet you can lavish attention.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:31 PM on September 16, 2007
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:31 PM on September 16, 2007
You need to focus in on what happens in between steps 3 and 4.
Look very closely and carefully at the feelings that come up at that point and the accompanying stories you use to explain/justify those feelings.
What are you feeling and telling yourself as you make the call or send the email? Do you feel better or worse after you do it? Are you aware at the time that it's too much but you can't stop yourself? Or are you acting in a sort of trance?
Once you have a good clear idea of what's going on, you can work with your therapist on changing those patterns.
But right now, your story sounds like that cartoon where the guy is writing a huge equation on the blackboard, with a cloud in the middle that says "And then a miracle occurs."
posted by ottereroticist at 4:48 PM on September 16, 2007
Look very closely and carefully at the feelings that come up at that point and the accompanying stories you use to explain/justify those feelings.
What are you feeling and telling yourself as you make the call or send the email? Do you feel better or worse after you do it? Are you aware at the time that it's too much but you can't stop yourself? Or are you acting in a sort of trance?
Once you have a good clear idea of what's going on, you can work with your therapist on changing those patterns.
But right now, your story sounds like that cartoon where the guy is writing a huge equation on the blackboard, with a cloud in the middle that says "And then a miracle occurs."
posted by ottereroticist at 4:48 PM on September 16, 2007
i think a pet is a great idea, actually. get a dog, so you -have- to take care of it. also, it will get you out to the park, where you can meet other dog-lovers. besides, maybe you need to distribute the load of loving your fabulous self among many people instead of searching for the one person who can carry it all. if you have a lot of people in your life you look forward to seeing and who give you positive reinforcement (smiles, chitchat, a "hey, we missed you last week, did you go out of town?") you'll come to rely less on THE ONE.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:16 PM on September 16, 2007
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:16 PM on September 16, 2007
I think the fact you're asking this question is a very good step in the right direction.
What I mean by that is that you have realize there really are explicit rules about this type of thing. Yes, every situation is different, but there are some warning signs that people look in budding relationships, that are universal.
By definition, people are wary of suitors that come on too strong, too fast. Because it shows that suitor may have "issues". You have issues, self-admittedly, and those lead you to coming on too strong. So, as people have suggested above, step 1 is to address those issues as best you can. Step 2 is to re-train yourself to avoid the classic "too much" type behaviour. And for that, you can enlist help. Do you have a confidante who is a bit more adept at this type of stuff? It couldn't hurt to ask them for tips, at specific stages of a new courtship. Be specific in asking questions. "How long should I wait before saying 'I really like you?' Or, should I call them back the day after we go on a date?"
Ask those questions, and then listen to and belive the answers you get. Try not to convince yourself that your confidante doesn't understand the specifics. Because while specifics are important, it's not hard to fool yourself into moving too fast, which will set off the alarm bells in the mind of your would-be date.
We've all seen movies that get humour out of this type of conundrum. If you've seen "Swingers" there's that very funny scene where Jon Favreau's character is guilty of making a too-soon phone-call. You'll also notice, in that movie, that Favreau gets advice from his friends...and then chooses to ignore it. Don't be like Jon!
Now, I don't really want to make it sound like there's some rule-book you need to follow. Cuz thats kinda creepy and it's not exactly true. But there are certainly some guidelines, that you ignore at your peril. The key is to learn them (whether through trial-and-error, or with help from friends, or both) and then follow them.
Now, keep in mind that I'm a fourty-one year old virgin, but never mind that.
posted by Ziggurat at 6:38 PM on September 16, 2007
What I mean by that is that you have realize there really are explicit rules about this type of thing. Yes, every situation is different, but there are some warning signs that people look in budding relationships, that are universal.
By definition, people are wary of suitors that come on too strong, too fast. Because it shows that suitor may have "issues". You have issues, self-admittedly, and those lead you to coming on too strong. So, as people have suggested above, step 1 is to address those issues as best you can. Step 2 is to re-train yourself to avoid the classic "too much" type behaviour. And for that, you can enlist help. Do you have a confidante who is a bit more adept at this type of stuff? It couldn't hurt to ask them for tips, at specific stages of a new courtship. Be specific in asking questions. "How long should I wait before saying 'I really like you?' Or, should I call them back the day after we go on a date?"
Ask those questions, and then listen to and belive the answers you get. Try not to convince yourself that your confidante doesn't understand the specifics. Because while specifics are important, it's not hard to fool yourself into moving too fast, which will set off the alarm bells in the mind of your would-be date.
We've all seen movies that get humour out of this type of conundrum. If you've seen "Swingers" there's that very funny scene where Jon Favreau's character is guilty of making a too-soon phone-call. You'll also notice, in that movie, that Favreau gets advice from his friends...and then chooses to ignore it. Don't be like Jon!
Now, I don't really want to make it sound like there's some rule-book you need to follow. Cuz thats kinda creepy and it's not exactly true. But there are certainly some guidelines, that you ignore at your peril. The key is to learn them (whether through trial-and-error, or with help from friends, or both) and then follow them.
Now, keep in mind that I'm a fourty-one year old virgin, but never mind that.
posted by Ziggurat at 6:38 PM on September 16, 2007
This is probably not helpful short-term, but maybe something to think about as you go about the business of choosing potential long-term partners. My wife and I have been together for almost 14 years now, and when we began dating, it was very intense, very quickly, on both of our parts (to the point that we regrettably lost touch with many of the friends we had at the time). We continue to be among the more "touchy-feely" couples we know.
What I am trying to say is that "intensity of affection" is one of those areas where you and your mate must find some kind of compatibility, like "sex drive," "desire to have children," and "TiVo priorities," either through natural meshing or through compromise. If your levels are too far off at the beginning of the relationship, compromise is just not worth it for many people.
I guess I don't have much advice, other than to say that if you are a person who dives into your relationships with wild abandon, dont lose hope -- eventually you will meet partners who do so as well.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:24 PM on September 16, 2007
What I am trying to say is that "intensity of affection" is one of those areas where you and your mate must find some kind of compatibility, like "sex drive," "desire to have children," and "TiVo priorities," either through natural meshing or through compromise. If your levels are too far off at the beginning of the relationship, compromise is just not worth it for many people.
I guess I don't have much advice, other than to say that if you are a person who dives into your relationships with wild abandon, dont lose hope -- eventually you will meet partners who do so as well.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:24 PM on September 16, 2007
I do think it might help to get a dog. You have a lot of love to give. So much love! To give! Find another outlet for some of that love.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:16 PM on September 16, 2007
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:16 PM on September 16, 2007
Speaking from personal experience I found that being on the other side of the equation made me FAR more conscious of and determined to manage my own clingy tendencies. I'd had this good friend who eventually got to the point where her "need" of me was incredibly strangling without me even consciously noticing it for a long time; when it (inevitably) came to a head, I really freaked out at the realization that when this person said she needed me she, eh, really meant and believed that, to the point where things got REALLY uncomfortable if I was spending time with another friend. Two things happened, actually:
1) Not entirely voluntarily, I backed way the heck off of the friendship - it wasn't just that I wanted space, it was that being the target of such neediness made me feel more like a crutch or teddy bear than a friend. I was ENTIRELY uneasy about the amount of responsibility I suddenly felt had been ascribed to me for this person's well-being, it just wasn't something I was capable of living up to (nor SHOULD anybody have to be so responsible for another adult) and despite our friendship being great in a lot of ways, despite this person being great ... I just didn't feel as strongly friendshippy any more. I flat-out could not get the feeling back.
2) The experience made me keenly aware of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of clinginess, and of the risks that such behavior poses in terms of bringing about the end of a relationship. I mean, yes, of course I'd always known that being smothering could kill a relationship, on a logical level I realized it wasn't going to get me what I wanted - but before experiencing it from the other end I don't think I'd realized how impossible it sometimes can be for the other person to stick around, even if in many other ways they would like to.
The bottom line is that now when I feel the urge to "beg for attention" from someone who matters to me (and lord, the urge is still there sometimes!), I think about that whole experience and somehow that helps me to slam on the breaks and find a better way of acting. Actually, now when I'm feeling a little neglected and can't decide if that's valid or just my own neediness, I'll write up the email I'd LIKE to send the person, then make myself hold onto it for exactly one day. Seven times out of ten, the other person will get back to me in that time so all will be well, and the other three times when I re-read my email after a little bit of distance it's easier for me to see that I'm being overbearing, so I'll edit it, then give THAT email one more day to sit, re-read it (and continue the 'edit/wait/read' cycle as necessary), until finally either the person's gotten back in touch anyway or I've finally come up with a version of my email that's fair to how I feel and yet mature/un-clingy enough that I can read it a day after I'd written it and still feel comfortable sending it.
Obviously I'm not suggesting you go out and get yourself a good clingy friend to 'learn you a lesson,' but if you've ever been on the receiving end yourself it might be worth thinking about what that was like - or if you haven't, it'd DEFINITELY be worth putting yourself in the other person's shoes, thinking about their likely feelings and the risks you run, and using that as impetus to put on the breaks and find a healthier approach every time you feel the urge to do something clingy.
posted by zeph at 10:35 PM on September 16, 2007 [3 favorites]
1) Not entirely voluntarily, I backed way the heck off of the friendship - it wasn't just that I wanted space, it was that being the target of such neediness made me feel more like a crutch or teddy bear than a friend. I was ENTIRELY uneasy about the amount of responsibility I suddenly felt had been ascribed to me for this person's well-being, it just wasn't something I was capable of living up to (nor SHOULD anybody have to be so responsible for another adult) and despite our friendship being great in a lot of ways, despite this person being great ... I just didn't feel as strongly friendshippy any more. I flat-out could not get the feeling back.
2) The experience made me keenly aware of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of clinginess, and of the risks that such behavior poses in terms of bringing about the end of a relationship. I mean, yes, of course I'd always known that being smothering could kill a relationship, on a logical level I realized it wasn't going to get me what I wanted - but before experiencing it from the other end I don't think I'd realized how impossible it sometimes can be for the other person to stick around, even if in many other ways they would like to.
The bottom line is that now when I feel the urge to "beg for attention" from someone who matters to me (and lord, the urge is still there sometimes!), I think about that whole experience and somehow that helps me to slam on the breaks and find a better way of acting. Actually, now when I'm feeling a little neglected and can't decide if that's valid or just my own neediness, I'll write up the email I'd LIKE to send the person, then make myself hold onto it for exactly one day. Seven times out of ten, the other person will get back to me in that time so all will be well, and the other three times when I re-read my email after a little bit of distance it's easier for me to see that I'm being overbearing, so I'll edit it, then give THAT email one more day to sit, re-read it (and continue the 'edit/wait/read' cycle as necessary), until finally either the person's gotten back in touch anyway or I've finally come up with a version of my email that's fair to how I feel and yet mature/un-clingy enough that I can read it a day after I'd written it and still feel comfortable sending it.
Obviously I'm not suggesting you go out and get yourself a good clingy friend to 'learn you a lesson,' but if you've ever been on the receiving end yourself it might be worth thinking about what that was like - or if you haven't, it'd DEFINITELY be worth putting yourself in the other person's shoes, thinking about their likely feelings and the risks you run, and using that as impetus to put on the breaks and find a healthier approach every time you feel the urge to do something clingy.
posted by zeph at 10:35 PM on September 16, 2007 [3 favorites]
nthing get a dog. Mine helped pull me through the lowest point of my life. The love and affection they lavish on you will make you feel like royalty.
posted by happyturtle at 12:06 AM on September 17, 2007
posted by happyturtle at 12:06 AM on September 17, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Solomon at 2:13 PM on September 16, 2007