Am I a stupid cow?

September 12, 2007 5:06 PM

Am I expecting too much from my relationship?

I (female) have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and we have a little son of 3. We're both in our mid-30s. Two years ago, we went into a big crisis - when things went rough workwise, he was not washing himself properly any more, was not caring about our relationship (refusing to understand that this needs care), not getting his act together in several ways, although he knew it meant a real burden for the rest of us. He was just dumb, drifting in semi-depression, refusing to do something about it. It ate all my energy, and I became very aggressive.

Last winter, I screamed loud enough to wake him up (i.e. I threatened to leave the relationship, could not bring myself to do that because of our son) and since he has really, really pulled himself together to make things work. So have I, and we manage to get on quite well.

He loves me and treats me like that. Three years ago, I would have loved my life with him. But now I want to leave. I feel there is a whole world out there. He knows all this (yes, I told him with much respect) and says he wants to give it a lot of time and then see. I would love to have a sex life again but can't really make it work with him, just find him not attractive any more. Also, I have to be clever with myself, do things in a happy way, else I would just sit and cry.

Is it now time for me to learn, and understand that things are just taking that long to become ok again?? How do I get this into my head? And into my sexuality?? I feel that giving it all a chance is now turning into living a lie. Faking it out of caring for my family, and not having the courage to face that my attempt to have a family has maybe failed.

Do you have experiences with such a goodwill relationship? What happened to you? Did it get better? Did you regret it? Thank you.

posted by anonymous to human relations (18 comments total)

I would imagine that your sex life cannot be repaired until you've sorted out your feelings towards your bf. If and when you *do* sort those feelings out, there are all kinds of excellent web and print resources for rekindling your sex life. In the meantime, I have no specific advice for how to decide what your next step is. Normally I'd say get out, as it's sometimes possible to repair a broken relationship with a little distance. But since there's a very young child involved, I'd suggest you explore every option for repairing your relationship. That doesn't mean "stick it out for the sake of the kid," that means pursuing therapy, examining the possibility that you have your own issues to fix (just guessing, not accusing), work with your partner to reestablish the things you loved when you fell in love. Stop pondering what you may be missing and concentrate on what you have - a family! It may all be for naught, but leaving the father of your child is something that could potentially cause your son a *ton* of problems down the road. You owe it to him, and yourself, *and* your boyfriend, to really do everything you can to fix what's broken. It won't be easy, and no one on a message board can give you the magic key, but you really should be certain that your future unhappiness will be worse for your child than losing his father will be.
posted by Banky_Edwards at 5:16 PM on September 12, 2007

I can share with you a few thoughts from the guy's perspective.

In my last relationship, I may have been that guy: started to drift into a depression, stopped caring about anything, and in general just began wandering about aimlessly. Granted, there were no kids involved, but almost were.

My then-gf probably had the same qualms as you, but still did what I now think of as the right thing: she left me. Granted, she left me in a moment when I was very vulnerable, and her leaving triggered the depression I'm only now beginning to crawl out of.

Of course, when it happened, I didn't think it was the right thing. Now, with a little more perspective, I think I see why it was the best way to go: she didn't really have feelings for me (anymore, at least), and wasn't about to stay just out of pity. In the end, I came to understand that having pity as the glue for a relationship is a terrible situation, and probably even worse on the pitied party.

As time has passed, I've come to understand that I'm better off without her, and she probably is too. Deep down, no one wants to be in a relationship just because the other person feels too guilty to leave, or just out of compassion.

I like stickycarpet's five-leg evaluation. Lots of well-thought advice in that thread as well.
posted by papafrita at 5:25 PM on September 12, 2007

That title speaks volumes. You are not a bad person for wanting out. You aren't obligated to go along with his timeline. If you want out and you have the means, do it. I have a feeling it will seem like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
posted by CwgrlUp at 5:45 PM on September 12, 2007

If I were you, I'd be still angry at him about his collapse two years ago. Anger is a real libido killer. He put a big burden on you at a time when you had to care for a baby, too. Maybe now is the time to start expressing feelings you've been holding back. Expressing negative feelings is not necessarily bad for the relationship - hence the immense popularity of make-up sex after a fight.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:23 PM on September 12, 2007

I would love to have a sex life again but can't really make it work with him, just find him not attractive any more.

It sounds like you two are communicating about everything but sex. You need to start communicating about sex.

But now I want to leave. I feel there is a whole world out there.

You can't ever see the whole world. Not even a tiny little fraction of it. Moving and learning about new things is fine, but don't do the grass-is-always-greener thing..

I feel that giving it all a chance is now turning into living a lie.

There is no such thing as living a lie in the way you mean it. If you don't make it a lie, it isn't, period. You either grow to like what you've got, or you move on and try something new.

What you have to do at this point is choose. For god's sake do it soon! It is no fair using the threat of your possible leaving as a weapon in your relationship, and reading between the lines, it seems as though you might be doing that (unconsciously? Still not okay).
posted by Chuckles at 6:29 PM on September 12, 2007 [4 favorites]

Maybe you need to learn that lifelong loving relationships aren't the same as spring flings. They're about working together to create a family and life that you can grow in, your partner can grow in, and your child can grow in.

We all live with limitations, in ourselves, in our partners, in our friendships, in our worklife. Learning to accept those limitations, work with them, and love the life that you have is one of the central challenges of finding happiness and satisfaction.

Having this be okay isn't something that is going to happen to you. It won't be caused by even more attitude adjustment on the part of your boyfriend. It'll be because you decide to keep doing the work in a perpetual way.

This may be more difficult in the context of non-marriage. In marriage, you've explicitly made that extended commitment that you can hold onto. Breaking it becomes very specific. I imagine you have at least some of that because of your shared relationship with the child you created and (presumably) both love. But maybe part of the answer is more commitment rather than less. Good luck.
posted by alms at 6:31 PM on September 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

You're basically married by choosing to raise a child together. Start acting like it. You're not leaving him unless he abuses you. Summer and winter will both come, hang in there. Be understanding, help him out, push him if you have to, but for your child's sake stick in there. I know way too many people fucked up by their parents breaking up or getting divorced.
posted by Electrius at 6:37 PM on September 12, 2007

Electrius is right, your child comes first, even though it is your turn to be angry and depressed. Try some couples counseling if you can't work it out on your own. Obviously your bf wants it to work and is willing.
posted by RussHy at 6:50 PM on September 12, 2007

For what it's worth: my parents stayed together for the kids, and didn't show any intimacy whatsoever. Because of never hearing them say "i love you" to one another or seeing them hug or kiss, I've had alot of difficulties trying to understand that what they did isn't the right way. I'm only just now at a point where I don't feel bad for saying "i love you" or wanting to be held or kissed randomly.

So, yeah. Think of the kid. But think of your son's thoughts on what he's seeing between you too. If he never sees you or your boyfriend hugging or kissing or expressing love, then don't you think he might have an issue with that in the future?
posted by damnjezebel at 7:06 PM on September 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

If you can both provide your kid with safety and stability, can remain friends, and can share your parenting life together from separate apartments, then YES, break up! A child growing up in an unhappy household is going to have a lot of issues--and they'll be harder to explain and resolve than those a child will have growing with happily divorced parents. Maybe you should give this relationship one more shot--go to conseling, forgive each other, try to have a great sex life, etc. Yes, being a fully committed mother means your child comes first--but that doesn't mean forcing yourself to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy for you.
posted by soviet sleepover at 7:23 PM on September 12, 2007 [3 favorites]

Regarding your thread title, please don't call yourself a stupid cow. You're not stupid and you're not a cow - don't let anyone, even yourself, convince you otherwise.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:45 PM on September 12, 2007

I've been there, under very similar circumstances. I'm sorry you're going through this.

My own experience is this: you may be tempted to see the end of this relationship as a potentially new beginning.

It's not, at least not in the way you might be thinking (I feel there is a whole world out there.)--at least, if you're thinking the way I thought.

Yes, there's a whole world out there, with new intimacies to discover, explore, and learn from. But you will not necessarily wake up one morning and discover that you're suddenly a new person.

Oh, except for this: you're a single parent now.

Pro: Your son is no longer living with two adults who are constantly having to suppress their psychic screams.

Con: You're on your own. Being a single parent can be incredibly rewarding, but it is certainly incredibly exhausting. Not much energy to explore new relationships and intimacies, at least not for three or four more years.

It sounds as though you've already given this a lot of thought.

So here's the only piece of advice I can give you: please don't fall into the trap of regretting what you do, whatever you do. Staying in the relationship is not a cop-out, and leaving the relationship is not a failure.

You will have rough moments, whatever decision you make. But it's essential that you not blind yourself with regret.

Good luck, anonymous.
posted by YamwotIam at 9:27 PM on September 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

What advice would you give to your boyfriend if he were in your situation?
posted by semmi at 10:15 PM on September 12, 2007

1. Leaving a relationship is usually a net loss for everyone. So, if you can make it work, you should try to make it work.

2. It doesn't sound like you are really trying to make it work.
a) Have you rebuilt your trust in him since his collapse?
b) Have you forgiven him for failing?
c) Have you tried to repair your sex life with him? With sex?
d) Have you tried to rekindle the romance with him? Going on dates and vacations alone together?

3. It sounds like you are miserable. Statistically, leaving him isn't going to help as much as recommitting to the relationship and taking a chance on him... he was good enough for you once, he probably still is. Loving someone who fails takes more work than loving someone you haven't known long enough to see them fail.
posted by ewkpates at 3:19 AM on September 13, 2007

My own opinion on this is that while having a young child does not lock you into and absolutely require you remain there for the remainder of your marriage, it does require you to do whatever you possibly can to restore and resurrect the relationship, so that at the end of the day, if leaving becomes necessary, you will have tried everything. I think that's what's owed not necessarily to the partner, but to the kid.

However, that's my opinion on the matter; not fact, and not necessarily what should be done.

I will also say that a couple I'm friends with who have had a very long marriage went through an extremely rough patch, and I thought it was very possible that one might leave the other. The other "woke up" and started showing a lot of caring. The person who had originally contemplated a departure is now extremely happy with the relationship. So you never know how life is going to turnaround.
posted by WCityMike at 7:55 AM on September 13, 2007

You say you couldn't leave the relationship when it was at its worst because of your son, but now that things are more stable, you want to leave? That doesn't make sense to me. I feel like this is another "permission to have an affair" post, but I could be wrong.

My opinion is, however, that you should have dumped him last winter. But since you decided to stay - for the sake of your son or not - you should at least be willing to put some effort into salvaging the relationship now that it doesn't seem so doomed anymore. You say that he has really pulled himself together to make things work. Why don't you try doing the same?
posted by tjvis at 10:52 AM on September 13, 2007

I'm digging my way out of a similar relationship, only now it's 25 years into the marriage. I've had a few anonymous posts on here myself.

As the spouse of a person who battles depression, let me tell you that it's really devastating to the entire family. I'm glad that your bf is feeling better and is committing to the relationship, but is he committing to addressing his depression? I would anticipate that this will recur in his future if it was serious enough for him to start ignoring basic personal hygiene.

Fading in and out of sexual desire is characteristic of any long term relationship, but I sense that what's going on here is an inability for you to get over his extreme behavior change and all that it dumped onto your shoulders. Do not stay with him "for your son." Stay with him because of your deep sense of love and commitment to your relationship. You have to seek help with addressing your own feelings of anger and abandonment that a partner of a depressed person naturally feels. You may not be able to get over that resentment, but that's for you to decide. Your son and he can still have a relationship, you will still have a family, but it won't quite be the way you originally intended. Of course, none of this is the way that you originally intended.
posted by SMP at 4:50 PM on September 13, 2007

Kid involved means much therapy first and you trying to make it work in a purposeful way first. Start with the couples' therapy.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:31 PM on September 14, 2007