:(

September 10, 2007 11:35 PM

how my perfectionism, indecisiveness, and depression are driving me mad.

Help! I am driving myself insane!
For months now I have been struggling to make a decision. Basically, I have graduated last year with a Computer/communication engineering (with excellent marks) degree and am currently working as a specialist in a very well-known company in my country. The disadvantage is that the work is based in a city different from my hometown. This results in the following problems:
a) I am away from my family and sometimes feel lonely.
b) the cost of living here is insane!
c) the work, while promising, is kinda hard for me (it requires dealing with lots of people and I am somewhat an introvert).
d) a harsh and very demanding boss.

but..
a) it is a very promising career path. Especially that it's somewhat marketing-oriented in a company that is undergoing a major switch from being an engineering-oriented company to a marketing-oriented one.
b) living in a big city gives me access to things I can't access back home, like cultural events..etc.

After months of calling different people who can range from unfriendly to very sympathetic, I have been able to find a vacancy in my hometown in my current company's branch located there. Basically, it is an engineering supervision job where I supervise technicians who maintain equipment. Not a job to kill for, i know...

so the disadvantages are:
a) a seemingly dull job.
b) not much growth.
c) I will be able to eat healthy homemade food (prepared by my mom) as opposed to the terrible fast food diet I am stuck with here.

while the advantages:
a) same salary as my current salary, along with the very low cost of living means I will live very comfortably.
b) I will be close to my family who I love dearly.
c) the "big city" is an hour drive so I can still be involved in its thriving cultural scene.

For months now I've been battling indecisiveness and can't for the life of me make the decision. Being a perfectionist, and depressed (i am currently on prozac) is also not helping at all. To give you an example of my current misery: yesterday I called the relevant HR personnel and told her to go on with my transfer procedure. This morning I called her and told her to hold on. I am sure she now thinks I am nuts cause this was the 2nd time I've done so.

Help me please :(

posted by howiamdifferent to work & money (17 comments total)

The way you have outlined it, I see a choice: Family or money?
posted by artdrectr at 11:57 PM on September 10, 2007

It sounds to me like you want to go home but don't think you should let yourself, but think you should sacrifice your happiness now for longer-term career interests. You don't like your job, your boss, the loneliness, the cost of living in the city -- the only thing it has going for it is "career advancement." But do you think you might actually advance more if you weren't hating your job and in a career that suited you better? And if you were spending less, what would it matter? Could you be happy with a simpler life and simpler job, if you were with your family?

Here are a couple thought games that might help:
1) What's the worst-case scenario on either end, and which of those would you most really regret? It's a way to tap into your feelings from a different angle and make sure you can live with the risks of your decisions. ("I settled down before giving my career a chance to shine!" vs. "I lost touch with my family to pursue this career I don't even like!")
2) If it really wasn't going to make a difference either way, what would you do? Let's say in nine months you're going to win a fabulous cruise and meet your future on that boat. What do you want to do from now until then?
posted by salvia at 12:10 AM on September 11, 2007

I'll tell you a little of my story. I have been living in another country, far away from my family for 7 years. I lived away from them for 6 straight years, basically because I was afraid to go home. I thought I wouldn't get a job, and I would forget the language skills I attained. However, I finally decided to go back. I was only there for 5 months. I was happy to be around my family but was miserable with my job. I ended up taking a job and returning to Japan. I love my new job, but at the same time I feel disappointed I bailed so early. I should've searched harder for a job I would enjoy at home. That all being said, you can still visit your family when you have time, and you can cook your own food. Eating fast food is your choice. If you can't/don't cook, find some better places to eat.
Now that I have that experience of going home, I know I can do it again; and will. This time around though, I will save more money and take a longer time to search for a job I'll like so I can have the best time possible.
posted by m3thod4 at 12:24 AM on September 11, 2007

b) I will be close to my family who I love dearly.
c) the "big city" is an hour drive

I hate to break it to you but you already live very close to your family, if they only live an hour's drive away. You've just finished college, this is the time to live on your own and expand your horizons, not go back to your comfort zone and stagnate.

What you need to do is to grow up, and for you this is how to do it:

1) stay in the big city at a job that challenges you and has room for growth (whether it's this one, or another job)
2) make more friends so you have people to do stuff with and to talk to so you don't miss your family so much
3) hey, your family is just an hour's drive away, so you should schedule dinner with them a weeknight or two each week, and visit a weekends or two each month so you don't feel homesick)
4) learn how to cook or find cheap healthy good places to eat—every city in the world has good cheap healthy food, there's no reason you should be eating crap all the time other than you're too lazy to find better stuff.

If in another two or three years, you're still unhappy in the city, then by all means go home—you'll have given it a fair try and discovered that it isn't for you, but you'll be in a better position careerwise to make a change, whether that's just finding a new job or finding one closer to your family. If you leave now and go back to what you already know, who's to say you won't find yourself stuck in a rut, bored and out of options?
posted by lia at 12:27 AM on September 11, 2007 [3 favorites]

I agree with lia. I think you really haven't given the big city enough of a chance, and since you're only an hour away from your family, your situation is very different from the one m3thod4 describes. Leaving school and leaving home at the same time are very stressful, and it's understandable that you'll feel disconcerted at first. But if you go back home now, you'll always wonder whether you made the right decision. lia's specific suggestions are very good, and I think you should take them. If you take those suggestions and things still look the same in two or three years, then you'll know that it's not going to work out.
posted by klausness at 3:05 AM on September 11, 2007

I don't think it's family vs. money as artdrectr states. I think lia nails it. It's comfort zone vs. new environment. It's time to break out on your own. If home is only an hour away, you will have plenty of opportunity to see family and friends there. New experiences force us to grow.
posted by distrakted at 3:08 AM on September 11, 2007

Sometimes it's hard to know what you want. You get all mired in rationalizations, you lose track of what's really important to you. I think many poor decisions are rooted in a commitment to do the correct thing. I've certainly made more bad decisions that way than by simply following my heart and letting my head do work on its behalf.

For this reason, I am a great believer in the coin flip. Go ahead and get a coin - I'll wait - and flip. Then see how you feel. If you are pleased with the outcome, relieved that heads went the way you really wanted, then you know that's the direction to go in. If, by contrast, you're dissapointed by the flip you now have the opportunity to correct your direction before going further down a path your heart's not truly set on.

Not the most rational of approaches, but the more efficient I would argue.

No one else knows what's good for you. Everyone needs to follow their own ambitions, not someone else's. Be yourself and be happy.
posted by pammo at 3:16 AM on September 11, 2007

you sound homesick. you could go home, but i have found that it's worth sticking out the loneliness to see what kind of a life you can build on your own. it doesn't happen overnight, or even over a year. it is a lot harder than anyone tells you when you graduate.

you could always learn how to cook. have your mom send you recipes. that way you can always have a taste of home. also, have your folks send you your bedding and/or little items from home.

it would help if you could make some friends in your new city. are there clubs or meetups you could check out?
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:35 AM on September 11, 2007

I agree with those who say you may just be feeling lonely and out of your comfort zone-- and this will pass. Leaving college for a real job and a grown up life is one of the hardest things in the world to do. You feel disconnected, unprepared, lost, lonely, and a million other things. I felt like my life had been exploded away from me and I was left with nothing at all. I was lonely and miserable and just wanted to go home.

BUT. It does get better. You get on your feet again little by little and hopefully eventually you will have created a nice life for yourself. Close to your family, but your own life that you made. Concentrate on creating a community there- classes, clubs, friends at a neighborhood pub, friends from work, whatever. It takes a while, but should happen in time.
posted by ohio at 5:06 AM on September 11, 2007

I went away to college half a country away to "broaden my horizons." Then, I moved across the country away from my family when I graduated. I got a great job that I love, and I've been here for almost 9 years. I love, love, love my job.

All the same, I love and miss my family so much. I wish that, when I was your age, I had gone back to my hometown and found a job there. Then I would see my family weekly rather than once or twice a year.

Now that I'm established, I have a LOT of reasons to stay here. I married someone who lives here, I have a pretty advanced title in a very specific field, I have several very close friends who have become like family. So, I'm pretty happy with my decision to stay here. However...

You are young enough to start a great career wherever you are. You can find close friends wherever you end up. Is there any room for advancement in the job in your hometown? If you think there is, I say move. Don't feel like loving your family and wanting to be close to them is immature. You can broaden your horizons and become independent in the same hometown as your parents. You can be a grownup while still eating your mom's cooking. You'll have a great place of your own, and your mom can come help you decorate it. It's good to be close with your family as an adult and to be a part of each other's everyday lives. It will be great. Really.

Good luck!
posted by tk at 5:50 AM on September 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Can you visit home on a regular basis? When I first moved away from home, after college, I would go home weekly on Sunday to do laundry and have dinner with the family. It was a really nice way to stay in touch (And not get homesick) while still keeping my own space. If I were in your shoes, I might try something like that for a few months to see if it's a good happy medium.
posted by condour75 at 7:33 AM on September 11, 2007

lia is right, you should not pack up and move back home right now. Your reasons for moving home are not about moving forward- they are about moving back. Back to something that is comfortable and easy. You need to figure out where you want your life to go, and what moving in that direction involves. Maybe living close to your family will play into that, I don't know. But you should not move home to avoid the pain of growing up- unless you hope to live with your parents forever, ambitionless and unable to care for yourself (and I have met some people like this, and it is really sad).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:30 AM on September 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

howiamdifferent isn't homesick, he's depressed (medicated, but still depressed). The depression is causing him to doubt his own abilities and have problems making decisions. He describes himself as "somewhat of an introvert," so dealing with people sucks his energy and making friends is not so easy.

Howiam: Is your doctor in your current city, in the town where your family lives, or do you not have a current doctor now that you're out of school? You need to have your medication re-evaluated so that you can function better day-to-day and be better able to make decisions. If your depression is on a downslide, don't take on any more stress or change. Find or stay in a place where your life is manageable until you're feeling better. You're young, life is long, and your career won't be ruined no matter what you do now. Figuring out how to get your head into a comfortable place is more important than where your body lives.
posted by Joleta at 12:58 PM on September 11, 2007

howiamdifferent isn't homesick, he's depressed (medicated, but still depressed)

Hmmm, that somehow didn't really sink in when I first read the question (which is odd, given that I have experience with depression myself). I'd still basically agree with lia's advice, but the depression may make it more difficult to follow that advice. I think Joleta is right: you need to have your medication re-evaluated. It just sounds like the medication isn't doing what it should be doing, which is basically to give you the fortitude to do the kinds of things that lia is recommending.

So I think your next step should really be to make an appointment with a doctor about your medication. And if you've been seeing a GP for the medication, you may want to consider seeing a specialist (specifically, a psychiatrist specializing in psychopharmacology).

Good luck.
posted by klausness at 4:02 PM on September 11, 2007

Thank you all for your replies. I can't tell you how much they've helped me. I apologize for how badly written my original post was (I was sleep-deprived when I wrote it).

There are a few things I didn't add to the post that I would like to clarify.

An important factor is that I have to get financial assistance from my family in order to be able to deal with the insane cost of living here. This is possibly a temporary measure until I get my full-blown salary (since I am a graduate trainee, my salary is limited). This makes me feel very guilty.

Another point is that where I live (not in the US), people are very family-oriented. The norm here is for family to stick together.

Also, the troubles I am currently having at work exceed the never-satisfied boss (he can't seem to get the idea that I am under training and that he should not have the crazy expectations he has for me). There's also a very competitive colleague who is deeply paranoid and feel threatened by anyone who is doing remotely better than himself. The funny thing is that I am also very competitive and this is making my life harder. This has been going on since college as he was my colleague there (and we ended up occupying the 1st (me) and 2nd (him) positions in class).

Sometimes I think that the situation in my current position is beyond repair, and the perfectionist in me wants me to leave this imperfect situation and start anew in the other position back at home. Sometimes I wonder what if the situation there is also not perfect, will I also abandon it? To tell you the truth, I am not used to dealing with sticky situations; I never failed before. I panic thinking of how I might now be perceived as a weak and indecisive person by my boss and colleagues (and HR personnel!).

As it is obvious from my post above, I am depressed. Life is empty now. Especially after the action-filled 5 years I had at college (even though the action was very stressful most of the time back then). I used to have something that I excelled in: I was an excellent student and lived for my assignments and projects. Now I don't know what to live for anymore. The funny thing is that I ruled out any higher education options in fear of stress. So what am I to do if neither emptiness nor stress is fine with me?

Since I have started working a year ago, my self-esteem has been shrinking as time passes, especially with the current bout of indecisiveness I am going through. I can't have the courage to move in either direction, so my self-esteem gets a hit. Also, I've gained some weight because I was on a previous anti-depressant (Remeron) that causes weight gain. But I am getting regular exercise now, so there might be hope.

As for therapists, I actually have 2 but I rarely visit any of them. The first one is a terrible psychiatrist who is trigger-happy with anti-depressants. He is a government-sector doctor who mainly provides me with prescriptions and that's it. The other one is a psychologist that uses cognitive therapy to help me. I sought her myself (was that a good idea?) seeing how terrible my psychiatrist was and I really enjoyed the few times I saw her in. I had to stop going to her clinic because their schedule abruptly changed to a morning-only schedule and I work in the morning. But since my situation has got so bad lately, I scheduled a session with her next Monday to which I will have to get a sick-leave.

The insanity of my situation is that when I magically decide on one of the 2 options, my perspective changes from seeing the positive in that situation to a dark inescapable misery that will come from it. For example: remembering how good it is to live back home leads me to settling down with the transfer option (career is not everything, I tell my self), but some hours later I panic imagining myself stuck there in a maintenance job (OMG! if I am not happy in my job, I will die a miserable death, I scream). Funny thing is that I am not happy at my current job either!

I apologize for the long rant. Your replies are very helpful, so thanks again.
posted by howiamdifferent at 1:01 AM on September 12, 2007

Joleta, to answer your question:

my psychiatrist is in my hometown while the psychologist is in the big city.
posted by howiamdifferent at 1:51 AM on September 12, 2007

You might also want to have a look at this recent thread for more discussion about depression.
posted by klausness at 5:54 AM on September 15, 2007