Re: My girlfriend hates my friends
September 8, 2007 1:58 PM Subscribe
Re: My girlfriend hates my friends - but now it's academic!
On September 20th 2005, I posted re: my relationship. The link is as follows (not sure if I'm allowed to put links into my posts or not - but hopefully it'll work!) It appears now to have been archived / closed or something (which is fair enough given it was just south of 2 years ago).
http://ask.metafilter.com/24303/My-girlfriend-hates-my-friends
Anyway, I'm writing this in order to do justice to the hoard of folk who offered advice at the time. As it transpired, I listened to none of it - despite the fact that all the replies possessed at least a grain of truth & wisdom! - and had to find out for myself the hard way. In any event, if any of you were curious, On the eve of August 31 (last Friday), I finally ended the relationship.
Since the time I posted the first article, a lot of growing and changing has taken place - for the both of us! - and I am in a very different place to where I was back in 2005. So is she I think, I got her to go to a therapist and despite the below, she seems like a different person to the one I met.
The bottom line and the reason the same pattern's not likely to repeat for me now (since I have got to the root of it in my head) is that I let myself be chosen rather than choosing. I suffered from a very low self-esteem and kept ending up with people just because they 'would' rather than because I actually wanted them. I was so desperate for some form of intimacy each time I stumbled across it that I jumped at the chance, over-committed and only later realised I'd chosen badly. Took 'what I could get' rather than 'what I wanted' in other words.
Many things changed in the relationship and in the end, I just had to face the understanding that whatever she or I tried to do or change to make things work, it didn't matter, I just didn't fancy her and never really did.
So now I'm free and single and looking forward to having some time to myself and oddly, not even thinking at all about finding someone new. I feel so relieved it's over I could sleep for a week.
Any of you in similar situation, I offer my useless advice: if you find yourself fantasizing about some kind of moral highground on which others will sympathise with you if your relationship with your SO ended, look behind the fantasies and think about where they're coming from! I fantasized that she would run off with someone else, that I'd discover she'd been taking sugar-pills ever evening in place of the contraceptive to trick me into getting her pregnant unawares, that would die even, leaving me publically bereaved!
All of these fantasies were just progressively more twisted invented excuses for getting out of the relationship and having others approve. Underlying them was of course that I just wanted out - so in the end, I just stood on my own two feet and got out come what may re: social approval.
Oh well, that's my news. :-)
On September 20th 2005, I posted re: my relationship. The link is as follows (not sure if I'm allowed to put links into my posts or not - but hopefully it'll work!) It appears now to have been archived / closed or something (which is fair enough given it was just south of 2 years ago).
http://ask.metafilter.com/24303/My-girlfriend-hates-my-friends
Anyway, I'm writing this in order to do justice to the hoard of folk who offered advice at the time. As it transpired, I listened to none of it - despite the fact that all the replies possessed at least a grain of truth & wisdom! - and had to find out for myself the hard way. In any event, if any of you were curious, On the eve of August 31 (last Friday), I finally ended the relationship.
Since the time I posted the first article, a lot of growing and changing has taken place - for the both of us! - and I am in a very different place to where I was back in 2005. So is she I think, I got her to go to a therapist and despite the below, she seems like a different person to the one I met.
The bottom line and the reason the same pattern's not likely to repeat for me now (since I have got to the root of it in my head) is that I let myself be chosen rather than choosing. I suffered from a very low self-esteem and kept ending up with people just because they 'would' rather than because I actually wanted them. I was so desperate for some form of intimacy each time I stumbled across it that I jumped at the chance, over-committed and only later realised I'd chosen badly. Took 'what I could get' rather than 'what I wanted' in other words.
Many things changed in the relationship and in the end, I just had to face the understanding that whatever she or I tried to do or change to make things work, it didn't matter, I just didn't fancy her and never really did.
So now I'm free and single and looking forward to having some time to myself and oddly, not even thinking at all about finding someone new. I feel so relieved it's over I could sleep for a week.
Any of you in similar situation, I offer my useless advice: if you find yourself fantasizing about some kind of moral highground on which others will sympathise with you if your relationship with your SO ended, look behind the fantasies and think about where they're coming from! I fantasized that she would run off with someone else, that I'd discover she'd been taking sugar-pills ever evening in place of the contraceptive to trick me into getting her pregnant unawares, that would die even, leaving me publically bereaved!
All of these fantasies were just progressively more twisted invented excuses for getting out of the relationship and having others approve. Underlying them was of course that I just wanted out - so in the end, I just stood on my own two feet and got out come what may re: social approval.
Oh well, that's my news. :-)
This post was deleted for the following reason: this is really not what AskMe is for. If you're just updating, feel free to take it to metatalk.
This is not a question.
MeTa would be the place for followups like this, if one were warranted, but this doesn't seem to be.
posted by aubilenon at 2:03 PM on September 8, 2007
MeTa would be the place for followups like this, if one were warranted, but this doesn't seem to be.
posted by aubilenon at 2:03 PM on September 8, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bingo at 2:01 PM on September 8, 2007