going home: I don't want to become a baby

September 6, 2007 7:21 AM

will living at home for a semester revert me back into being a baby?

I'm 21 years old and haven't really been capable of taking care of myself for the last year or so. What I want most is to be able to stand on my own feet but I've gotten myself to such a point where I can't really seem to be able to do that without breaking down and demanding help from a medical professional. I am so inside of my own head that I can't seem to be able to get myself to think about anything else. I can't focus on school, I can't focus on other people. I ask my friends for help but I can't seem to get them to actually help me, probably because I won't let them help me. I get stuck so quickly and easily that I can't really function on a social level without breaking down and wanting to go to sleep. Now part of me says that I need to accept myself and what I've become. As I write this, I've forgotten what I even tried to say in the first place. My mind has become a horrible chaos of crappy feelings of guilt and shame that everything I talk about has to do with myself and what I need. So here's what's up. If I go home, I'm afraid that I'm going to become so coddled to the point that I won't be able to function in ordinary society again. That is definitely not what I want. But living here in the city (chicago) right now is not working either. I can barely talk to my roommate (I really don't have interests or hobbies anymore to talk to him about) and subsequently can't really interact with people in general either. Has anyone ever taken a semester off from school to come bouncing back the next semester? Am I doomed to just live at home as a nutcase, never able to interact with anyone outside my family again?

posted by anonymous to health (11 comments total)

You sound depressed, I'd go see that medical professional.
posted by zeoslap at 7:43 AM on September 6, 2007 [1 favorite]

To answer your question: No moving back for a year or so to get some help will not automatically doom you to live some catastrophic future of complete dependence and social failure.

To offer some other advice: Talk to a therapist. Keep looking for what you're searching for. You will get a breakthrough eventually. I know I did and I sounded a lot like you. If you drink, take drugs, or smoke, stop immediately. They may feel like they are helping you, but they are undoubtedly making things much worse; if you can't stop, get help to stop.
posted by milarepa at 7:50 AM on September 6, 2007

Anonymous, as a Chicagoan who has felt overwhelmed by his life, I can very much sympathize. This is a big city. My concern for your potential move is that a city often has resources which smaller venues do not. Also, it sounds as if you have both anxiety and depression issues to deal with, and I am not sure that making the decision to take a semester off based on those feelings would be the best way to reconcile them.

You speak of semesters, schools, and Chicago; from that, I'm presuming you attend a Chicago college. Almost every college I've seen has counseling (almost always free, but if not, at least low-cost) available to its students. I'd make an appointment.

This could be a chemical problem that can be helped by medication; this could be a problem with emotional issues that can be helped by cognitive-behavioral work and talk therapy. Either way, the feelings you describe aren't unknown to modern-day psychology. They can help you with these feelings and these issues.

In other words, you are not doomed. You are not going to live this way forever. It is a situation where you are not doing well, but it will not last forever; you will climb out of the hole, and you will appreciate life all the better for having been where you are.
posted by WCityMike at 7:52 AM on September 6, 2007

An important clarification: "where you are not doing well": I do not mean that in terms of performance, but in terms of how you're feeling. In other words, I'm not criticizing your performance ("you aren't doing that well") but I'm making a comment on how you're feeling ("you're feeling really quite exceptionally crappy").
posted by WCityMike at 7:53 AM on September 6, 2007

Getting the help and support you need is mature, not babyish.
posted by footnote at 8:04 AM on September 6, 2007

This is really common in college. Much more common than most people would have you believe. Lots of people with whom I went to school had to go home for a semester - I had two friends of mine who had to take time off due to depression. Both of these friends came back to school much healthier and happier for having had treatment at home, away from the stressors related to getting through college.

Go home. Take care of yourself. Trust me, this is the right thing to do.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:26 AM on September 6, 2007

Can you talk to your parents about setting up a lifestyle at home to help make sure that doesn't happen? I'm assuming that your parents are loving, helpful types, but also that they're generally emotionally healthy and that they want what's best for you, which includes you not being dependent on them.

If you're not already, you should be in therapy. I know, I know, everyone recommends therapy, but you sound like you're suffering from either mild depression or anxiety, and therapy can help. Talk with your therapist about specific things you can ask your parents to do or not do to help prevent you from becoming dependent on them. For example:

- Set up a schedule of responsibilities at home. You should have household tasks that you're responsible for, just as you would when you lived outside of their home. Laundry, cleaning, lawn mowing, dishes, all of the tasks that adults have to do to take care of themselves, you should be doing your share of at home. Ask your parents not to take care of these things for you. If you fail to complete these tasks, they should talk with you like an adult, not like a child.

- Make them make you pay rent, even if it's only $50 a month. This will force you to get a part-time job, which will get you out of the house and make you interact with people. Even if it's just babysitting or helping an elderly neighbor around the house or mowing lawns or something, you should be making money to contribute financially to the household and to your own upkeep, and paying rent to your parents will help ensure that you do that.

- Ask them to tell you if they see you falling into a rut of relying on them as your sole form of social contact. Not in a nagging, "mom" sort of way, but just as a form of outside reinforcement to remind you to get out of the house, even if it's just to go out and sit by yourself with a book in a coffee shop for an hour a day. Leave the house every day, and know that they'll know if you don't.

- Come up with a plan together to make your stay temporary. Maybe that means they kick you out after a set period of time. Maybe that means they provide you with pre-established transition assistance--emotional, financial, or otherwise--when you're ready to move out. Whatever it means, make sure you're on the same page and that they're ready to stand firm and not let your stay become long-term or permanent.

Your parents want what's best for you. If you work with them from the beginning to figure out what that is, I'm confident that you, your parents, and mental health professionals can work together to make this a healthy and productive time for you.
posted by decathecting at 8:34 AM on September 6, 2007

Think about whether spending time living with your parents would really be beneficial. Were they supportive of you in the past? There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread, but if you have parents that will try to really grind it in that you have screwed up and insist that school's not for you, it might be better to stay in school if at all possible. You know your parents better than we do, and not all parents want, know, or care what's best for you. Take the easiest classes you can, with the schedule you are most able to handle. If you have financial aid, your top priority should be to keep that.

I'm guessing that your parents would not be supportive of you seeking medical help for this, and have probably instilled this attitude in you while you were growing up. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so worried about breaking down and demanding help. I'm sure you are very self-sufficient in many things, and probably a lot more capable of taking care of yourself than many of your peers, but sometimes you just need help from someone knowledgeable.

You think you need medical help. You can get medical help where you are, and your school might even have an office that will help you do this. Maybe you need counseling, maybe you need to be on Ritalin or something. Going to live at home does not get you either of these things, and for some people might make it very difficult to get the help you need. If your parents feel that it is a sign of weakness to seek help, you might want to insist that the counselor not contact them. Lots of people in college end up chatting with a counselor a few times or taking pills to help adjust their brain chemistry and help them focus. In fact, some people who feel pretty ok about everything do this, just to improve things a little more -- kind of like a tune up for a car.
posted by yohko at 9:03 AM on September 6, 2007

This is really common in college. Much more common than most people would have you believe. Lots of people with whom I went to school had to go home for a semester - I had two friends of mine who had to take time off due to depression. Both of these friends came back to school much healthier and happier for having had treatment at home, away from the stressors related to getting through college.

Very, very true. College is extremely stressful even for people who have never had anxiety or depression in the past.

I lived at home for a semester after I had to leave New Orleans due to Hurricane Katrina. Obviously the circumstances were different but I actually enjoyed being with my family. Sometimes when you are really stressed you just want your mommy and nothing else will help! Your family knows you best. If your gut is telling you to go home, do it.
posted by radioamy at 9:21 AM on September 6, 2007

I went through just about the same thing, with enormous family problems, personal problems, being mis-medicated, and financial problems. So I know where you're coming from. I ended up taking some time off of college, and now am back in school online.

I found that I needed some ME time. I needed to get routines for daily living that were sustainable. Simple stuff like laundry became a huge problem and a huge anxiety for me until I sat down and thought out a system for when and where to do laundry. I know it sounds silly. But just knowing that you have a system for dealing with things makes a huge difference in a person's life. Get it off of your mind, and into some sort of collecting system. This takes it out of your mind's RAM, and makes you able to deal with it in time.

I HIGHLY recommend the GTD (Getting Things Done) System. It walks you through the steps of organizing every JOB CHORE PROJECT or anything else, and puts it into a system where you can actually Get Things Done. 43folders.com has some great introductions to the system, and David Allen's book 'Getting Things Done' works as holy text for GTD'ers.

For your sake, take the time off. And get some professional help. It's not a bad thing, and it really can help.
posted by sethwoodworth at 12:19 PM on September 6, 2007

No, going home won't automatically turn you into a baby. BUT:

You say "I can't really seem to be able to do that without breaking down and demanding help from a medical professional." Is that really a bad thing? If you're having problems, why not turn to the sort of people who're trained to help? As other people have pointed out, that's what the Mental Health folks at your college's MedCenter are for. It's not rare to have problems - and it's not something to be ashamed of. Sometimes you really do need someone with an outside view of your life to say "look, try this, and try not to do that." Sometimes medicine helps, sometimes the therapy is all that's needed.

Point is: Don't let things get worse than they are by refusing the help that's [almost certainly] all around you. Don't let your pride get in the way of getting help. It's much better to be the person who has their shit together (but has a bad semester or year in their closet) than it is to flunk out due to depression/etc. I know. I've been there.

So start out by talking to the mental health folks at your university. There's a good chance that they'll be able to help you without you having to take that major step of going home. They can help you figure out what's really the best idea. And hey, maybe with their help - with that outside viewpoint, and yeah, maybe even with meds - you can turn things around and not have to take any time off at all.

But if you do end up taking time off: no, it's not the end of the world. People do this all the time - at top universities even - and come back and kick ass. But you have to plan it right. If you take time off, make sure you only do it after talking with those mental health professionals at your college. Plan the whole thing. Figure out what your problems are, and how you'll address them on your time off. If you go home and wallow in your misery, yeah, nothing's going to change. If you go home, take classes at a local community college (to regain your academic confidence), take a part time job (to save money), and/or reconnect with old friends (to rebuild social confidence), your return to college will be much easier. You can also consider taking time off without going home - that's what I did. It's more expensive and challenging, but if your home environment isn't supportive (i.e., your parents will make you feel like shit for taking time off, or you have no other connections in the city they live in), it may be the better option. The same caveats go, though: you'll need to have a regular schedule of work and classes at a local community/state college.

So yeah, it's possible to take time off and go back to the rest of your life and be a total success. But - and I repeat this, because it sounds like you're blaming yourself for considering asking for help - you have to realize that if you really can't stand on your own two feet, it's OK to ask for help. That's what mental health professionals are for: they're there to teach your how to become independent again. Ask for help. It's hard - I know just how hard it is - but it's the right thing to do. Once you've found a therapist your comfortable with, figure out what to do next, but don't let yourself talk yourself into inaction, into cowering in your room, into blaming yourself for your situation. Convincing yourself that you "deserve" all this somehow, that it's a personal moral failure - that leads to exactly the kind of breakdown you fear.
posted by ubersturm at 11:15 PM on September 6, 2007