Should I ask her out?

August 24, 2007 1:15 PM

She's got a boyfriend. . .should I give it up or go full steam ahead?

It's not often that I meet someone where I feel sparks right away, but it happened last night. . .I met someone at a casino-night type event and really felt an instant click and chemistry. We were talking in a group of people and she casually mentioned her boyfriend at one point to other people in the group - a very offhanded comment that didn't seem to send the "don't try anything, I'm dating someone" vibe. The boyfriend in question was not in attendance last evening. So, I spent the evening flirting and talking with her but didn't ask for her number or a date because I didn't know if I should proceed or not. If I hadn't heard the one remark about the boyfriend, I would have assumed from her behavior that she would be interested in going out with me.

So, the question is, is it a bit crazy to ask out someone who has said (in a casual way) that she has a boyfriend? If I do ask her out, should I pretend to be oblivious to her current relationship status?

posted by sherlockt to human relations (64 comments total)

Well, do you want to potentially break up someone's relationship? That's the real question.
posted by tristeza at 1:23 PM on August 24, 2007

is it a bit crazy to ask out someone who has said (in a casual way) that she has a boyfriend?


No. What do you have to lose by asking her out?
posted by R. Mutt at 1:23 PM on August 24, 2007

Don't be that guy (or girl?).

If they mentioned that they had a boyfriend, that should be enough of a hint that they're not interested in finding a new one. Some who is in a relationship but "still looking" probably would neglect to mention it on purpose.
posted by drezdn at 1:23 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Or, what tristeza said.
posted by drezdn at 1:23 PM on August 24, 2007

Hmm. I would like to explain something to you. Please sit down, relax, clear your mind, and then slap yourself in the head with a giant balloon hammer. This is something that you should have learned in 5th grade but since you didn't (and let's face it, 90% of guys don't figure this out until much later), I'll use small words.

Some girls like to FLIRT because it's a GAME to them. It doesn't MEAN anything to them. If her boyfriend really does exist, then this girl likes to flirt and she likes attention from random guys. Maybe her boyfriend knows this, maybe he doesn't but that's besides the point. You got flirted by a girl who likes attention. Whoopee. There is a million of those girls out there. You were bound to run into one of them at some point.

Now, what if her boyfriend doesn't exist. Her use of the "boyfriend" word was a sign that she's not interested in you beyond toy phase anyways. That's okay - some guys like being thought of as a piece of meat but you don't sound like that person or else you would have realized what she was doing at the time.

But, think about this for a second. If she really does have a boyfriend, then she's a girl who flirts with other guys when her boyfriend is around. If you are looking for a relationship,even if you get this girl, this girl is going to flirt with every other guy on the planet. She's not going to change her behavior because you're Mr. Mc Stud Muffin.

She is a non-story at this point. You should keep her that way. But if you want to ignore my advice, go nuts. The worse thing that can happen is that her "boyfriend" is bigger, and meaner, than you.
posted by Stynxno at 1:27 PM on August 24, 2007 [31 favorites]

If I do ask her out, should I pretend to be oblivious to her current relationship status?

Why start out lying? Either she considers herself off limits or she doesn't. Tell her you thought you clicked that night but you were disappointed when she mentioned a boyfriend, ask her to clarify if she's available. There are several explanations of her statement that would make it okay for you to date her.

If she says she's not available further pursuit would be a dick move, not that this has stopped innumerable dicks throughout history, but that gets down to your ethics.
posted by nanojath at 1:28 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

eh, why? she has a boyfriend, and she's secure enough to go out without him. i guess you could ask her out, but don't expect a response you're going to like.
posted by thinkingwoman at 1:28 PM on August 24, 2007

Eh, you can ask, but you know darn well what'll happen.
posted by aramaic at 1:29 PM on August 24, 2007

Some people are flirty like that and don't mean anything by it. Some people are totally willing to cheat on their partners. In fact, some where between "a lot" and "most". You'll also meet plenty of happily married people who were dating someone else when they met their future spouse. She has a boyfriend, that doesn't mean that she wouldn't like a better one. Only way to find out is to ask.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 1:29 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know she has a boyfriend because she said it with her own mouth. If you go after her now, and she ditches him to start dating you, could you ever fully trust her? How would you know she wouldn't do that to you?

But I think that's moot. I bet she mentioned the boyfriend because she wanted to make it known (probably to you specifically) she was dating someone. You could try to ask her out, but I think you're setting yourself up for failure.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:30 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

(I'll say for the record, though, that I think Stynxno's explanation of the situation is considerably more likely - I sort of assumed you would take this reality into account and proceed at your own comfort level for risk)
posted by nanojath at 1:30 PM on August 24, 2007

Bad news: She's taken

Good news: She's not married

You may get another chance but for now she's involved.
posted by MiffyCLB at 1:32 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

eh...that word can mean different things to different girls. if there's any chance that you could have missed that in the conversation, go ahead and ask her out, and she'll clarify when she's turning you down. i wouldn't 'charge ahead' if you really think she's in a serious relationship.
posted by andrewzipp at 1:36 PM on August 24, 2007

I wasted two years of my life on just such a girl. RUN.
posted by chuckdarwin at 1:43 PM on August 24, 2007

Well, do you want to potentially break up someone's relationship? That's the real question.

Well, I guess that's part of the question. . .but the term "relationship" has a lot of shades of gray. I wouldn't think twice about asking out someone who mentioned they had been on a date recently, but I wouldn't ever consider asking someone out who was engaged or married. The problem is "boyfriend" falls between these two poles. The mention itself came without any clarifying context - it was an offhanded comment like "my boyfriend likes to hike" or something like that, so I couldn't gauge the seriousness of the relationship from the comment.

I'm not asking whether I should start stalking her and trying to sabotage her relationship; I'm just asking whether it would be OK to ask her out once. If she says no, I'm fine with that and would drop the matter entirely. My thoughts on this are complicated by the fact that I've known MANY people who were in unfulfilling relationships and only left them when they saw that someone else might be interested in them. She may or may not be one of these people.
posted by sherlockt at 1:43 PM on August 24, 2007

Sounds like you're psyched to try it so go for it. At the very least she'll be flattered.
posted by MiffyCLB at 1:48 PM on August 24, 2007

I'm just asking whether it would be OK to ask her out once.

I'm going to say, no, it is not OK. You are looking for a relationship. This girl is already in a relationship. She mentioned her boyfriend in a social setting, which is a VERY common shield for unwanted male attention. If you ask her out now, she will think you are dense (didn't he hear me say I had a boyfriend?) and desperate, and possibly creepy. And if she doesn't think those things, and still manages to like you, she's going to feel bad when she has to turn you down. If you like this girl, you will not put her in an uncomfortable situation. Do not do it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:50 PM on August 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

Don't do it, at the very best Karma is a bitch.
posted by BobbyDigital at 1:53 PM on August 24, 2007

If you really feel something for her you should let her know. If she backs off then at least: 1)you know she has integrity and is worthy of being a trusted girlfriend in the future and 2) your feelings are out there just in case her current relationship fizzles out. If she goes for you behind her boyfriend's back then you'll know she's a skank and not worth pursuing.
posted by any major dude at 1:53 PM on August 24, 2007

go ahead, love makes the world go round
posted by matteo at 1:54 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

You will always miss 100% of the shots you never take so if you like the chic, and think there is something there, tear that can of worms wide ass open!

It will be a good story to tell the grand kids.
posted by bkeene12 at 1:56 PM on August 24, 2007

Don't ask her in the expectation that you will push the bf out and take his place. As others have said, karma is a bitch.

Do ask her if you are OK with being in a polyamorous relationship and want to find out if she is too.
posted by ottereroticist at 1:58 PM on August 24, 2007

So, the question is, is it a bit crazy to ask out someone who has said (in a casual way) that she has a boyfriend?

Some people consider it tacky to scream out "OMGWTFBOYFRIEND" whenever someone attractive shows up. The fact that she can drop her relationship status into a conversation smoothly is not a come-on.

What else does boyfriend mean besides "man who I am dating, exclusively"? I've really never heard anyone use it in any other way.
posted by 23skidoo at 2:02 PM on August 24, 2007

To all the "forget it!" answers:

Even if she's in a relationship, even if she's just flirting for fun, isn't there a respectful way to ask her out?

"I just wanted to tell you what a great time I had meeting you the other night. We didn't get around to discussing our personal lives much, so I thought I'd just put it out there: I think you're great and would love to get to know you better. You mentioned you have a boyfriend so please accept my apologies if this is an intrusion, but I'd kick myself if I didn't at least ask. Kthnxbye."
posted by crickets at 2:03 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

I agree with the "Just try it" suggestions. You don't really know this girl, and the boyfriend's not a friend, so you don't know the situation. Surely if you asked respectively she could find the appropriate way to handle it.
posted by sweetkid at 2:04 PM on August 24, 2007

I get that you are just wondering if you should even ask, and aren't trying to be malicious, but this could get iffy really fast.

Maybe she'll be flattered, maybe she'll freak out, maybe she'll swoon with excitement, maybe she'll pretend she didn't hear you and quickly change the subject. In any case, you'll never know if you don't try. Just proceed with caution and try not to step on any toes (i.e., try not to get pommelled by a hurkin', jealousy-prone boyfriend, or let yourself be an emotional plaything for a fickle vamp).

Good luck.
posted by Pecinpah at 2:09 PM on August 24, 2007

Even if she's in a relationship, even if she's just flirting for fun, isn't there a respectful way to ask her out?

No.
posted by Stynxno at 2:18 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

You'll also meet plenty of happily married people who were dating someone else when they met their future spouse

Been there, done that, been happily married 16 years now. You have nothing to lose by trying.
posted by COD at 2:24 PM on August 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

I agree that it's a dick move to get involved with someone who has an unknowing significant other. The non-dick move is to tell the person you're interested in that there seemed to be a connection (in less geeky language) and inquire if they are seeing someone exclusively. If they are, back off. If they are but still are willing to date you, back off QUICKLY and run.
posted by Justinian at 2:30 PM on August 24, 2007

Life is too short.

But why does it have to be a date? Why not invite her to go out with a group of friends and see if the chemistry is for real and inquire further about the bf status if it makes you uncomfortable?
posted by lucia__is__dada at 2:43 PM on August 24, 2007

I guess you could say "Gee, Carol, if you weren't in a totally serious relationship, I'd want to take you out for dinner and a movie!"

And maybe she'll say "Oh man, is it ever lucky that you feel this way, because my boyfriend and I are splitting up, and I'm going to be single by this Friday at 7 PM!" and then you can say "Great! I'll pick you up at 8!"

But the second part probably won't happen.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 2:50 PM on August 24, 2007

I say go ahead and try. Forget that she has a boyfriend. If she mentions it to you, just go "so what? it's not like we're having sex, we're just friends, geez"
Make it feel like you're just friends, and then if you feel it's right, you can make a move.
But just forget the boyfriend, it shouldn't matter...
posted by PowerCat at 2:51 PM on August 24, 2007

I mean... Worse case scenario is you're ridiculed in front of a large audience... Then just go to a new girl.
posted by PowerCat at 2:52 PM on August 24, 2007

I'm just asking whether it would be OK to ask her out once.

No, you've already made up your mind, and you came here for reassurance. We're not going to change your mind, so do what you will, but keep in mind that if she does say yes, and you do start dating, you will worry that someone else will do to you what you did to some guy you don't know.
posted by oaf at 2:54 PM on August 24, 2007

Forget that she has a boyfriend. If she mentions it to you, just go "so what? it's not like we're having sex, we're just friends, geez"
Make it feel like you're just friends, and then if you feel it's right, you can make a move.

As a gal, I'd be very creeped out and more than a little annoyed if someone asked me to hang out as a friend, made a point of saying it was just-friends because they knew I was in a relationship, and then made a move. That's a pretty slimy thing to do.
posted by Kellydamnit at 2:55 PM on August 24, 2007 [3 favorites]

What else does boyfriend mean besides "man who I am dating, exclusively"? I've really never heard anyone use it in any other way.

Unfortunately, a girl referring to her 'boyfriend' can mean many things - and alot of them don't mean she isn't open to new relationships. It can mean the guy she is sleeping with but isn't good enough to be with long term. It can mean the guy she went to lunch with once last week but hasn't called her back. It can mean the guy she really wants to break up with, but is waiting for someone new so that she doesn't have to be single and all alone. There's a class of women who are never technically single and without a 'boyfriend'.

If I do ask her out, should I pretend to be oblivious to her current relationship status?

Yes. Definitely. Go for it, but don't bring up her relationship status.
posted by ghostmanonsecond at 3:21 PM on August 24, 2007

When I first met Mrs. EmptyK I didn't ask her out because she had mentioned a boyfriend in passing. She was flirty and friendly, but I figured she'd used the B-word to communicate that she was off limits. Fair enough, I flirted back and had a fun conversation.

If our mutual friend (who knew both of our situations placed us firmly in the single category) hadn't later mentioned that she was single things probably would have worked out very differently for us both. Turns out when she used the word "boyfriend" she was referring to a guy she'd recently broken-up with and hadn't even realized she'd made the mistake.

A safe move might be to ask "did I hear you say you have a boyfriend?" or something to that effect.
posted by EmptyK at 3:26 PM on August 24, 2007

If I do ask her out, should I pretend to be oblivious to her current relationship status?

You won't need to be for long, as she will undoubtedly point this out as she turns you down.
posted by desuetude at 3:31 PM on August 24, 2007

EmptyK's suggestion is a good one.

Some ideas for if she turns out not to be single though:

Would you want the kind of girl who would go out and flirt with someone else while you were together? (I know it's 'normal behaviour', but it depends on whether or not that'd bother you)

Would you want the kind of girl who dumps her boyfriend for someone she just met?

And the converse (and already mentioned, but hey) would you want to be that guy?

Perhaps these analogies are a little severe, but it's worth considering if you decide to pursue a taken woman.
posted by Surfyournut at 3:45 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wait until they break up to ask a girl out. Seriously.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:02 PM on August 24, 2007

Oh for the love of fuck, no.
posted by notsnot at 4:02 PM on August 24, 2007 [3 favorites]

This talk of karma and homewrecking is grossly misplaced. You and she are both responsible for your own relationships. The idea that a person can be "taken" or "owned" is absurd, antiquated and somewhat misogynistic.

There's nothing wrong, therefore, with expressing an interest. Go for it!

If she decides to go out with you, the ramifications to her existing relationships are entirely her responsibility and have nothing at all to do with you. If she declines (by citing the boyfriend or for some other reason), be gracious and move on.

Good luck!
posted by aladfar at 4:03 PM on August 24, 2007

No.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:25 PM on August 24, 2007

I'm with emptyK. Double check first to see what the whole bf angle is. Some people drop it in passing as a means of protection, others do it without thinking. Check first. If she's involved, then respect her involvement and keep your distance. If she's recently broken up or whatever, go for it!
posted by LN at 4:28 PM on August 24, 2007

Sure, go ahead and ask. I assume she's an adult, and can make her own choices.
posted by oneirodynia at 4:29 PM on August 24, 2007

To clarify, by 'taken' I do not mean 'owned' or 'property of another', just not single.
posted by Surfyournut at 4:33 PM on August 24, 2007

Even though the boyfriend mention may have seemed totally casual and not a "back off" move to you, women learn early in their lives how to drop a (real or fictional) boyfriend into a conversation early to fend off all kinds of potential awkwardness. Mentioning him early in the night might have been her way of allowing herself to be flirtatious without feeling like she'd be leading people on.

But I'm a fan of nanojath's suggestion of being open with her and seeing what she says. Just be prepared to back off real quick if the answer is either "no, I've got a man" or "I've got a man but let's get a-cheatin'!"
posted by lampoil at 4:36 PM on August 24, 2007

"Boyfriend" can mean anything from "husband" to "gay guy I go shopping with" to "imaginary friend." I don't think that there is anything wrong with casually and non-creepily asking her out (but do so unambiguously -- don't be all "I wanna be your friend," be "I wanna be your boyfriend," so that she knows right up front if she needs to say "no thanks, I already have a boyfriend").

However, it is totally wrong and bad to keep pursuing her if she says, "hey, no thanks, not interested." Looks great in romantic comedies, but in real life that is the subject of restraining orders.

And if she is willing to cheat on the current guy, be aware that she will likely be willing to do the same to you, so think twice before going down that route.
posted by Forktine at 5:24 PM on August 24, 2007

She isn't married yet, therefore by social convention she is not 100% committed to him. So she's fair game.

Go ahead and pursue her but do it all above board. If you get involved, best if there is no deception involved between anyone. And be careful if he's bigger than you!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by randomstriker at 5:38 PM on August 24, 2007

Even if she's in a relationship, even if she's just flirting for fun, isn't there a respectful way to ask her out?

Respectful to her? Maybe. Respectful to the boyfriend? Hell no.

Here's the thing: generally women mention their boyfriend in order to drop a subtle hint that they're not looking. If that's not how it is with her, and your interest in her is reciprocated, let her come to you.
posted by bijou at 6:14 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Eh, I have a boyfriend and I don't believe in monogamy. But I do mention him sometimes because, you know, some stories don't make sense and if you keep saying "my friend" over and over, that is even odder. So while it is likely boyfriend means "fuck off," it doesn't always.
posted by dame at 7:46 PM on August 24, 2007

What kind of circumstances do you plan on being able to see her again? Do you have mutual friends, or run into each other because of work, school, etc?

If she's mature enough, and treated you like a potential friend, I'm sure you could just offer your number, e-mail, MySpace, or whatever. Just try and get to know her better as a friend, but don't suggest you'd make for a better boyfriend or anything on those lines. I suppose you can flirt in a subtle and gradual manner, and there's tons of other similar threads on unrequited love around here to refer to.

And it's very possible that she'll break up with her current guy, and maybe she'll turn to you when she's able to move on. Of course, there's the whole "friend zone" dilemma also, which has also been discussed around here. More to read.

The only warning I'd have is that someone might seem perfect for you. Cute, warm, funny, smart, engaging... But there's a negative side to everyone, and if you get to know her really really well, you may end up hurt and disappointed. It doesn't make them a bad person, but you have to make sure you can deal with it and not let it get the best of either of you. But that applies even if she were single, and it applies to any potential relationship, really. It's a whole 'nother can of worms anyway. I just know it all too well as I'm going through that myself. Just don't fall into the trap of idealizing her.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:12 PM on August 24, 2007

Unfortunately, a girl referring to her 'boyfriend' can mean many things ... It can mean the guy she is sleeping with but isn't good enough to be with long term. It can mean the guy she went to lunch with once last week but hasn't called her back. It can mean the guy she really wants to break up with, but is waiting for someone new so that she doesn't have to be single and all alone...

With the exception of maybe the last one, I have never known a woman refer to the person in these sorts of situations as a boyfriend. In the case of the last one, she would have just said "friend" to make it clear she's not completely attached.
_____________________________

I used to have an aversion to the word boyfriend, so my boyfriend was always my "friend" in conversation. I'm a friendly and outgoing person, and started getting some unwanted attention as a result. So I started using the term "boyfriend" to let people know I was not available.

I think if she were open to a new relationship, she would have downplayed the boyfriend and either not mentioned him, or called him a friend, etc. I don't think it's crazy to ask her, but it might be considered a little rude. For example, I would be pissed if my boyfriend mentioned me and some girl thought she could still get him. Conversely, if I knew you heard me mention a boyfriend, I'd sort of question your asking me out anyway. To me it's just a respect thing of existing boundaries, but everyone is different.

It's been a while since I dated, but couldn't you say something along the lines of, "I heard you mention that you're seeing someone, and I was wondering if it was serious. I really enjoyed talking with you and would love to get to know you better if you're interested." Or something like that.

That shows that you are respectful of the relationship but curious to find out where it stands, and where you stand. It puts the ball in her court. Maybe she'll tell you that they've been together for years and are getting engaged this fall, or that they've been together for two months and are still able to see other people.

If you said that to me, I wouldn't be offended at all, would probably be flattered, and would tell you the truth in terms of my availability/level of interest.
posted by ml98tu at 8:15 PM on August 24, 2007

Good lord. The "if she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you" cliché is so worn out. It reeks of cynicism about people or being out of touch with the reality of dating. People are each unique individuals -- leaving person A for person B is usually because of what person B offers, not some free-floating, randomly exhibited desire to dump one person for another.

I agree that you strike out on 100% of the opportunities you pass up. It may hurt to hear no, but it won't necessarily go down that way. And form a friendship if it doesn't get romantic. If she's awesome she's awesome, and you never know where it might go down the line.

I don't think there's really ever anything wrong with telling someone you genuinely like and want to get to know them. Who wouldn't want to hear that? At worst it's a really nice compliment.
posted by loiseau at 8:25 PM on August 24, 2007

Thanks for all the advice. . .I'm sure I'll see her again at some future events. I think for the moment I'm simply going to find out more when I see her next time. . .I'll ask some indirect questions to try to gauge her level of seriousness with the boyfriend. If she doesn't sound that enthused about the relationship, I'll ask her out and see what happens. If they seem pretty committed, well, I'll just move on.
posted by sherlockt at 8:27 PM on August 24, 2007

Dude. This exact question has been asked fifty-billion times already. Do a search. Cruise the relationship and dating tags. Seriously. And the overall answer is no, not if you're a decent person.

Why everyone takes your word for it that she was flirting with you, I have no idea. I know a lot of guys who think people flirt with them when there is no such intent.
posted by digitalis at 10:16 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Here you go. Instant best answer.

Ask her "Is it serious?"

If she says yes, don't ask her out. If she says No, it's fair game.
posted by filmgeek at 10:50 PM on August 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Fact : "she casually mentioned her boyfriend at one point to other people in the group"

Your interpretation :" a very offhanded comment that didn't seem to send the "don't try anything, I'm dating someone" vibe."

In a similar situation, as soon as the "boyfriend" word shows up in the conversation, I cash my chips and head to another table.

I once was in love with someone who was in a relationship. Boy did I try all I could for *months*... The good news is we are now in a healthy friendship. Someone else is the father of her two childs.

of course, ymmv
posted by Baud at 3:27 AM on August 25, 2007

You: nice guy, looking for a meaningful, lasting relationship.

Her: nice girl, already in a meaningful, lasting relationship.

Verdict: Be her friend. Ask about her boyfriend (girls love to talk about their relationships.) Maybe she knows someone equally cute and nice she can set you up with?

- alternatively -

You: sketchy, desperate guy willing to settle for any level of female contact no matter the quality or long term viability.

Her: sneaky chick who's boyfriend satisfies certain requirements but leaves her wanting in other areas. She maybe looking for sex, or emotional support, or someone to buy her shiny things. She's most likely NOT looking to leave her boyfriend, although it is possible she is one of those cowardly types who waits until they are bumping uglies with the next person before they leave the last.

Verdict: You CAN be "that guy" - people do it all the time. Just know going into that nothing lasting will come of it and even if it does you'll always wonder who she's boinking behind YOUR back.

[Incidentally all of this confusion could have been avoided if you had directly addressed the issue by asking, "So what does your boyfriend do?" That would have have given you more to go on as to whether she's happy with the guy or not. I *always* ask about the chick's boyfriend...]
posted by wfrgms at 6:10 AM on August 25, 2007

In a perfect world every relationship would neatly end before the next one starts, but we do not live in a perfect world. Ask her out.
posted by happyturtle at 12:38 PM on August 25, 2007

Show your interest, respectfully. Then, if she is interested in you, and if, one day, she and her boyfriend split, she can let you know.
posted by londongeezer at 12:39 PM on August 25, 2007

a very offhanded comment that didn't seem to send the "don't try anything, I'm dating someone" vibe

Saying that is sending the "don't try anythign" vibe. For God's sake. How much would you like it if some asshole started pursuing your putative girlfriend? Not very much, I expect.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:42 PM on August 25, 2007

She is dating someone. Dating is not being married or engaged or living with someone. Dating is exploring, not choosing. Yes, take EmptyK's advice. Voice of experience.
posted by jeanmari at 5:34 PM on August 25, 2007

a very offhanded comment that didn't seem to send the "don't try anything, I'm dating someone" vibe.

Her saying that is the very definition of a "don't try anything" vibe. If she was actually interested in people hitting on her, she would have not mentioned her boyfriend at all.

That said, I don't see the harm in asking her out. The worse that will happen is she'll say no. Maybe she's in a loveless relationship, like Pam/Dawn in the Office, and you can be her Jim/Tim.
posted by chunking express at 7:23 AM on August 27, 2007