How do I coexist with an ex?

August 11, 2007 4:35 AM

So I'm going to be a college sophomore in the fall, living two dorm-rooms away from my ex. Help me make this work/not go crazy.

Background: We dated most of last school year, first serious relationship for each of us. Broke up last week, haven't talked since aside from businesslike exchanges related to me returning some of her stuff and her returning some of mine. I initiated the breakup, mainly because she's an extrovert who wanted to spend every waking moment with me, whereas I'm an introvert and need some alone time: we never could make this issue work, and eventually I couldn't take it anymore. She still has strong feelings for me (or did as of a few days ago), and part of myself keeps trying to mindfuck me into getting back together (even though rational part of me knows it's a terrible, terrible idea). Fall term starts in about a month, and we will be living two doors apart, sharing a bathroom, dining hall, etc.

My two main concerns:
1) We hung out with the same general group of friends last year, all of whom will be living near us in the fall, too. I don't want to split the group of friends by making people take sides, but I don't know what to do short of just give up my friends if she tries this tactic. More generally, I don't want things to be too awkward, if possible. Any advice appreciated!

2) I know, from the nature of myself and the relationship, that it's possible that I'll be really tempted to get back together with her, which would be bad. I've read other relationshipfilter questions on this subject, and it makes sense: the issues that caused the breakup won't go away. But still, I never liked to see her suffering, and I'm worried that, in close proximity to her, I'll run back to her to try to make her feel better OR I'll start thinking, "you know, there were actually some really awesome things about her, I should try to make amends." Basically, going back to school will probably cause the post-breakup no-contact period to end before it should. Plus, if her reaction to the breakup (begging me to come back) is any indication, she might cause some drama. I'm wondering how I should deal with this to minimize pain and the possibility of a reckless resumption of the relationship.

If things get unmanageable, I can always move to a different dorm, but not during the first month of school (silly university rules), so please don't suggest moving. I will do it if I must when I can, but until then I still have to exist.

And sorry about the long post and the relationshipfilter. Basically, any advice about negotiating this delicate situation would be great. Thanks...

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

Move as soon as possible. Make it clear to her that you intend to move as soon as possible, just as an issue of space. If your initial biggest problem within the relationship was a need for space, it will be natural for you to want space when you're out of the relationship. And you do want that space. So you'll need to tough out the first month, which other posters will have better advice about than I do, but definitely, definitely move. Move.

You should also make it clear to somebody in your university's administration, whoever is responsible for housing assignments, that you need to move as soon as possible, so they can be on your side and help you as much as they can.
posted by cgc373 at 5:34 AM on August 11, 2007

Within the first week of moving in, instead of settling yourself in, go to different floors and talk to guys who don't seem like they're moving in with a friend. See if they'd be willing to switch rooms with you. Make sure they understand it is because of your ex and not because your roommate possibly is a conspiracy theory psychopath or what have you.

I wouldn't even bother telling the RA or the school. I depends on the size of your university, but they don't really give a crap about that until there is a problem. But if you're so inclined, switch rooms first and then tell them. Don't ask for permission.
posted by spec80 at 6:04 AM on August 11, 2007

*It

Obviously, if you feel a floor switch still isn't enough, at least you aren't on the same floor as her and you can proceed with the probably lengthy red tape filled process of moving to another dorm at your own pace.
posted by spec80 at 6:07 AM on August 11, 2007

This is going to be far less of an issue if you just accept that you are now neighbors. In college, you are required to be around people you don't like, it's practically a rule. If you don't like it, move off-campus.
posted by parmanparman at 6:36 AM on August 11, 2007

I don't know how large of a school you'll be going to, and I think the above advice sounds good.

But I want to add that in college, you're going to meet a whole slew of people who never hung out with your girlfriend because they didn't go to your high school. Of course hang out with your old friends, but meeting new ones will shift your social focus and help you forget about her. These new people might even be dating material.

Besides, few people who actually try to carry their high school relationships into college don't manage to stay together for very long(even if the go to the same school and live close). It's simply too life-altering of an experience.
posted by deinemutti at 7:44 AM on August 11, 2007

Ok, I am an idiot. Somehow I forgot to read the word "sophmore" in your question. Negate any useless advice.
posted by deinemutti at 7:47 AM on August 11, 2007

You broke up last week, so of course she still had strong feelings for you as of a few days ago. That could change by the time she gets to campus or a few weeks into the school year. I think you should just be the bigger person. Be strong, don't move, don't give in to getting back together, and you may find that living near her gives you the opportunity to become friends.

Or you may find that she's itching to move and you don't have to do anything.

This sort of thing happens, and it's one of those times that you learn to be a grown-up. A similar situation (neighbors/roommates, same intensive academic program, same clubs, same friends, same class, etc.) has happened to nearly everyone I know. Running from it isn't really going to help you. It sucks sometimes, but you learn to be strong and let it roll off your back. It's good practice for all the times you have to deal with people you have issues with in the "real world" too.

Just be mature about it, don't get your friends involved (if she does, fine, but don't you do it), and be an adult. With your friends, just be normal, the same person you were before, and don't involve them in the drama. You might lose some friends anyway, but that happens with a split regardless. You'll continue to make and lose friends throughout college, and you'll be fine in the end. Good luck.
posted by ml98tu at 10:33 AM on August 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you can't stop yourself from hooking up with her, you fail at life.

You've identified something you need to NOT DO, for presumably good reasons. Man up and DON'T DO IT. This bit of self-control is essential in many things.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 1:54 PM on August 11, 2007

How are you going to feel when you see some guy leaving her room in the morning?
posted by miles1972 at 1:55 PM on August 11, 2007

Better: How are you going to act when you see some guy leaving her room in the morning?

Like a grown-up? Good.

Seriously: You're in an interesting situation, but I fail to see that it's necessarily a problematic one. You are going to develop some personal attributes more fully than before, and so is she.

Continue to be her friend. The fact that you no longer kiss her doesn't mean you can't be warm. Continue to be friends with the people who are friends of hers, and if she tries to split them from you, continue to behave as a friend to them. If she succeeds in splitting them from you, don't stop being friendly and respectful, but don't worry about it, either: People who have to divide their social circle into angels and devils have not, in fact, engaged in a friendship with you; rather, they have enlisted you as an unpaid extra in a badly-written soap. You have left the set, and if they want to keep filming that's their choice.

If you don't like to see her unhappy, well, see if you can make her happy, duh. But without aggravating the things that made the relationship unworkable for you. Be inventive here: Human interaction has taken a few more forms, in the course of history, than the ones everyone assumes you've got to follow right now. If you can make her happier without making yourself miserable, great! If you can't, you better figure out the happiness/misery exchange rate in the situation, and decide for yourself whether it's at a value you can live with. (Hint: The her-happiness/your-happiness exchange rate is pretty relevant to this question, and yet you gotta remember that life isn't all about you, too.)

Frankly, I think the fact of your past relationship is not half so much a concern as the extroversion/introversion thing. And more particularly the clinging thing. Remember that your door has a lock for a good reason. Don't let her do the introvert-guilt Pygmalion thing: Your introversion is just as natural and just as illogical as her extroversion, not a disease that you suffer from, and although people can and do shift their habits of interaction there is no need to radically remake you in her image. This is a big, underacknowledged friction point in our culture. Defend your right to be who you are—without trivializing or exaggerating the healthy differences that this brings. Kindness and truth together will make any situation as good as it can be.

Disclaimer: I really have no pity at all for awkward interpersonal situations. Partly this comes from having lived three years overseas. Partly it comes from having lived three years with three successive roommates who were always pursuing the same women I was. Partly it's just that I'm ornery. But taking my own ornery advice has saved me a lot of worry, so I thought I'd share.
posted by eritain at 4:42 PM on August 11, 2007

I feel like the most adult way to handle this situation is to talk to her about it before you both return to college- the sooner the better. Talking to her won’t be easy, but at least it will set up boundaries and expectations for the upcoming year. My most important word of advice is: Don’t burn your bridges. You were in a long-term relationship with her, those memories and feelings will not disappear. If you want to remain in the same friend group—try and be her friend—and maybe you can all be friends together.

Usually after the first few days of a break up you both have had time to do a lot of thinking. She may even be just as worried about the dorm situation as you. I would encourage you to reach out as a friend to talk. Focus your conversation on the future and the upcoming year, not the mistakes of the past.

I know you aren’t looking for relationship advice exactly, but I was in a similar relationship dilemma a few years ago. I broke up with my now fiancé after about a year of dating. He—like your ex, relied on me for entertainment and constant companionship. I needed time to myself to think, read, and relax. I had warned him about his clinginess/neediness before, with no change in his needy behavior. I was positive (when we broke up and for about a week) and actually told him “We could NEVER be together in a million years- we were just too different.” We broke up – but because of the situation we both grew. The dilemma was we both worked together. We had to see each other every day. For the first few days we didn’t talk. After a while I decided to try and be friends- it was hard and awkward but I am so very glad I did. During this time we both changed. He grew to be more independent and recognized that we both needed more personal space. Over time we realized we wanted to try again. I am not encouraging you to get back together with her—you both obviously need some time to grow, I want to remind you to keep your options open. Human beings are constantly evolving and changing (even introverts and extroverts can learn to co-exist and even love). Possibly this break up shed light on the flaws that she wasn’t aware of or didn’t know she needed to fix.

The only way you two can live together and interact everyday is if you communicate now-- be a friend (NOT boyfriend) in this hard time. It will not be easy- but it will make next year better. Good luck!
posted by funnybunny88321 at 11:54 AM on August 12, 2007

the best advice I ever took: think and act like an adult, always. whether or not you want to do the right thing in any situation, you know what the right thing is. Even if she pull every evil ex-trick in the book, you have to be mature. Whether your mutual friends act like supportive, caring people or like drama-feeding gossip demons, you have to do the right thing. It'll work out a lot better for everyone that way.
posted by Chris4d at 4:58 PM on August 13, 2007