Wedding jokes/one-liners

April 30, 2004 12:25 AM

What's the best joke/ one-liner you've heard in a speech at a wedding? I'm getting married this year and it's getting to be speech-writing time; the books and websites I've found on this so far have all been quite corny. Does anyone have any gems out there?
posted by adoran2 to human relations (24 comments total)

That's what she said!
posted by crunchburger at 12:39 AM on April 30, 2004

Let me give you the same advice my father gave me upon the occasion of my own wedding: "There are two ways to handle a woman, and no one knows either of 'em."
posted by planetkyoto at 12:40 AM on April 30, 2004

A wise man once said to me... If you love her, let her go.
No... Wait.
Sorry.
Got that wrong.
A policeman once shouted out at me ... If you love her, let her go and come out with your hands up!
...
Yeah that was it.
...
Good times, good times.
posted by seanyboy at 2:49 AM on April 30, 2004

"If I could say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker!"
posted by dflemingdotorg at 3:29 AM on April 30, 2004

To our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.
posted by Frasermoo at 3:44 AM on April 30, 2004

Here's to the lady
In the white shoes
She'll take all your money
She'll drink all your booze

She don't have her cherry
But that ain't a sin
Cause she still has the box
That the cherry came in

(it's a classic!)
posted by ColdChef at 4:47 AM on April 30, 2004

This isn't exactly what you asked for, but I think it's worth saying. There are no jokes and one liners that are not lame, overdone and corny. If you want a naturally funny speech, you need to take your humour from the people involved. Tell stories about the relationship, first dates, planning the wedding, etc. Don't try to insert someone else's jokes into your speech.

People may laugh at bad one-liners, but they do it more out of a sense of obligation. It tends to make your audience feel awkwardly aware that you're trying to make them laugh (good if you're doing one night at the Comedy Barn, bad if you're toasting your bride). There also tends to be a tinge of desperate woman / imprisoned man in most wedding jokes that's uniquely inappropriate for the actual wedding.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:17 AM on April 30, 2004

If you really want to make people laugh, mispronounce the bride's name, and call the groom by his brother's name, like my older brother's best man did. Hysterical.
posted by emptybowl at 5:35 AM on April 30, 2004

A relative of mine did a great thing, in his toast: He ran down his history with women in sort-of embarassing anecdotes, starting in elementary school, pointing out how he's gotten so much better, and that it's due to the bride. He went from pushing Sally in the mud in 3rd grade, to having a note he had gotten from a girl in 6th grade and answered and passed back intercepted and read by the teacher in front of the whole class, up through high school and adulthood, etc. He kept it light and funny, and everyone loved it (it did reinforce stereotypes, but what the hell). He concluded it by promising never to push the bride in the mud, and to be careful with the notes they passed in class, and so on and so on.....
posted by amberglow at 5:38 AM on April 30, 2004

At my wife's brother's wedding, her youngest brother was the best man to her older brother (took me like 5 minutes to figure out how to say that!). His speech was awesome - he got up, and started going into great detail about how much of a geek his brother was because he was a video game freak who could spend 20+ hours at a time playing video games. We were all horrified until he said something about how he had spent so much time helping Mario save the princess, he was practicing for "this very day," and made some analogy to the bride and groom to Mario and the Princess. Something to that effect. Brought the roof down - not a dry eye!

One one liner is cool - but it is way better to come up with something original.
posted by Quartermass at 7:07 AM on April 30, 2004

This girl is great in bed. . . a lot of you know what I mean.
posted by the fire you left me at 8:16 AM on April 30, 2004

Listen to jacquilynne. Do what she tells you. Please.
posted by mojohand at 8:25 AM on April 30, 2004

The toast my best man gave, which I've always loved, was the following. Afraid I don't know its origin, but I like it.

Here's to a happy life, and a married one;
A pretty girl, and an honest one;
A quick death, and an easy one;
And a cold pint, and another one.

It was just the right mix of silly and serious for me.
posted by jeffmshaw at 8:35 AM on April 30, 2004

My best man at my wedding is an extremely funny person. Most of his material in his speech was improvised but man, great stuff.

He began "Those of you who know Rusty well, know much about his great love of the sport of Tennis. Well, Rusty is giving up his tennis lifetstyle to marry this young woman..." and so forth. I've never touched a tennis racket in my life.

Tells you who your friends are too. Some folks came up to me during the reception. "So... you play tennis?"
posted by RustyBrooks at 8:39 AM on April 30, 2004

somewhat context-specific, but at my dad's most recent wedding (his 3rd, he was 58) at the time, his brother toasted with "to a late start but a long run," which was the simplest and nicest thing that could have been said at the time.
posted by whoshotwho at 9:06 AM on April 30, 2004

There also tends to be a tinge of desperate woman / imprisoned man in most wedding jokes that's uniquely inappropriate for the actual wedding.

This bears repeating. While jokes and one liners can lighten a speech, to do so at the bride's expense is in extremely poor taste. A lot of this is dependant on the Bride's personality, maybe she won't care, but better safe than sorry.
posted by aclevername at 9:22 AM on April 30, 2004

Especially inappropriate in the case of a wedding, but my favorite speech-starter:

"To paraphrase Henry VIII: don't worry, I won't keep you long."
posted by Aaorn at 10:01 AM on April 30, 2004

If you are the one getting married, then in all seriousness you MUST skip the one-liner. I beg of you. Seriously. (Especially if you are the type who is desperately searching the internet for a one-liner. Don't do it!!!) A simple and heartfelt thank you is what you're looking for; let everyone else try their hand at standup comedy. As it's not their wedding, they won't have to regret it for the rest of their life.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 10:24 AM on April 30, 2004

like my older brother's best man did
Writing a speech threw me too...He is the Groom.
Are you writing this for your best man or yourself? If for your best man write around his personality.

_sirmissalot_ speaks wisdom; you have enough to worry about so let the best man stick the foot in one's mouth, he has nothing to lose. Because you'er beginning your marriage on that note which if it goes wrong you don't want the curtains coming down on that act. Plus you don't want to spoil the honeymoon with a one word slip. Don't risk it man, nothing goes as planned at a wedding to begin with. Why being the groom and just being there is the best spot to be in.
posted by thomcatspike at 11:46 AM on April 30, 2004

congratulations & good luck!
posted by thomcatspike at 11:49 AM on April 30, 2004

I was best man at a friend's wedding, and must admit I didn't have the wit to do anything witty, so I didn't even try. However, the groom's father, at the rehearsal dinner, came up with one of the most sincere but amusing quips I've heard in such a situation...

After the meal, while desert was being eaten and beverages being consumed, he asked for attention, then then said:

"$Bride, please put your hand on the table."
"Now, $Groom, please lay your hand on top of your bride's."
"Very good. I want everyone to witness this touching moment. $Groom, I also want you to enjoy it... because this is the last time you will ever have the upper hand."

Just the right mix of sincerity and humor. I liked it alot.
posted by jammer at 12:39 PM on April 30, 2004

Some Cautionary Tales
posted by anastasiav at 7:53 AM on May 1, 2004

Usually if you're the groom you're not doing the speech thing except to thank people for coming - that is generally the best man. But I don't want to presume how you're doing your own ceremony.

I was best man at my brother's wedding. I can give you some general advice:

Corny is fine - I was actually a lot cornier than I planned (part if what I did was the "$Bride, please put your hand on the table" bit)
because you have to consider all the guests.

In my case, some of the bride's family are very devout Mormons. So I had to be very careful to avoid anything even mildly sexual, or even the smallest joke about things not lasting. It's kind of hard (at least it was for me) to keep everything very level and chaste. Corny is sometimes your best bet.

Just make it sincere and personal and it should go great. I said something silly about my brother marrying a gourmet chef when his meals used to consist of Cheez Whiz over Doritos (true.) Just a few little personal tidbits like that and how lucky they are to have found each other - it comes together easy.
posted by sixdifferentways at 9:03 PM on May 2, 2004

"[$Groom] brought pleasure to millions. The characters he created will be remembered by children and adults alike...Peter Peanut, Mr. Fee Fi Fo, Billy Banana. And my particular favorite Aunt Yoo-Hoo. There was always some deeper meaning to whatever [$Groom] did. And what did [$Groom] ask in return? Not much. In his own words: 'a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.'"

Oh, wait... this is for a wedding and not a memorial service?

My bad.
posted by Stoatfarm at 1:49 PM on May 3, 2004