Visiting our daughter, how to go about it?

August 3, 2007 4:02 PM

Parentsfilter - I have split up with the father of my child and are now trying to sort out visiting rights and times. Advice please....

So the father in the question already has another child from a previous relationship which he sees 3 weekends out of 4. As i do not live near him now, when he does see our daughter it is going to involve two hours travelling.

What is causing us to have arguements, is the fact that i am asking for a routine when it comes to visits. I had a bad relationship with my father and am wanting my daughter to have a good one with hers. To me this means having routine and stable visits from the dad. I personally can not see why he should not be splitting his free time equally between the two children, even if this means giving up one of his weekends with his son.

He though says that 1 - He is not wanting to really give up a weekend with his son, as this would be unfair on him. And 2 - Although he is 31 he has wages paid into his mums account, as he in not reliable with money, so the decision is not untimately up to him.

I am getting stressed out by the whole thing, because it seems that i am never going to get anything consistant from him, and am now wondering where i go from here?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total)

Where do you go? Therapy. This is important, and not the place for advice from random strangers.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:07 PM on August 3, 2007

Is his son not portable? Can't he see his son and daughter at the same time? It might be great for them too, to see their sibling.

Do you need to be negotiating with his mother as well, perhaps, if he relies on her to help him to be responsible?
If he is irresponsible, then, yes, do recognise and accept that.

Accept that creating a good relationship between your daughter and her father is something you can assist but you ultimately have no control over. What you can do instead of worrying about that, is making other aspects of her life rich and rewarding, and perhaps find other male role models for her. There are some wonderful men involved in youth groups, sporting associations etc, that could make a huge difference.

If he can't do it, you can't make him. It's not worth worrying over.
posted by b33j at 4:13 PM on August 3, 2007

Is there a reason he can't have visits with both of his children at the same time? Do you object to him bringing his son with him when he visits your kid? I'm not getting why it has to be an either/or proposition.

If the regularity is at issue here (not so much quantity as consistency), and his relationship to your child is important, you could offer to meet him halfway -- literally or figuratively -- to make the visits a routine part of your child's life. Not to let him off the hook, but to show that you're making a comprimise in the interest of the bigger picture, i.e. his relationship to your child.

Or, on preview, pretty much what b33j said.
posted by brain cloud at 4:15 PM on August 3, 2007

If you want helpful answers you need to give more information. Why can't the two children be with their father together? What exactly do you want and what does he want? If you cannot come to an agreement about this, you should get a mediator who is trained to help with this.

If it is really important for you that your daughter has a good relationship with her father I would make it a top priority to live closer to him.
posted by davar at 4:21 PM on August 3, 2007

As unfair as it is, sometimes you have to go the greater distance to make things right for your kids. It's unfortunate and frustrating, but it's not about being fair. It's about giving your child both parents. If he won't come to you, go to him.
posted by headspace at 4:39 PM on August 3, 2007

Fair to the kid trumps fair to him.
posted by klangklangston at 4:44 PM on August 3, 2007

Fair to the kid trumps fair to him. This is totally true, but I wouldn't waste any time trying to convince the dad of anything. His mom holds his money and he's 31. He's not changing any time soon, if ever.

So, be fair to your daughter and let her experience him just as he is. In the mean time, the best thing to do, is to not share your frustration or dislike of him with your daughter. It doesn't sound like your inclined to do so, but that is usually a big problem in situations like this.

If he's not an outright mean guy, the two of them will be alright. It does seem unfair to you to have to have the emotional burden, but for now maybe just let things unfold.

I hope this is helpful and wish you luck with this.
posted by snsranch at 5:22 PM on August 3, 2007

He should have his daughter two weeks out of four. As he already has his son three weeks out of four, the best thing would be to have, as suggested above, the two siblings (half?) spend time together on at least one of those visits. Then he will have a choice of one weekend child-free, or having his duaghter one week, his son for one week, both for one week and then his son again.

It really doesn't seem so difficult; just set up a schedule and accept that you are going to have to drive a few hours to let your daughter have the relationship with her father that you always wanted with yours.

And, incidentally, the way a man treats women and children from his prior relationships is probably a fair indicator of how he will treat you, just FYI for the future.
posted by misha at 5:49 PM on August 3, 2007

Hey Anon, I forgot to mention that I'm a step dad and that my kids only see their bio-dad a few times a year. When they do meet up they are all very much Okay. That is to say that physical proximity is just one factor. Quality of time spent together might be even more important.
posted by snsranch at 5:52 PM on August 3, 2007

I had a bad relationship with my father and am wanting my daughter to have a good one with hers.

It's important not to impress your desires for what you think should be onto their relationship.

A friend's daughter went through this, an unsteady relationship with the dad. She didn't push the dad, just occasionally called him and when the daughter was old had her call. There were rocky bits, but it's worked out nicely now, mostly, I suspect, because the mom didn't push it the dad, comforted the daughter and let the two of them work out their relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:57 PM on August 3, 2007

and don't give the Dad shit, don't get into arguments with him. You want to create an environment where he doesn't feel threatened in terms of picking up the kid. By turning it into an argument and a inditement on what he should and should not be doing, you're stressing him out.

Yeah, it's harder for you and not fair for you, but if the goal is have your daughter spend time with her dad and dad's a bit of flak/mess, then don't pressure him anymore, it'll just drive him away.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:02 PM on August 3, 2007

Are you moving forward with a divorce or are you just vaguely living apart?

If you ever want a divorce, you will have to reach an agreement, or the court will make one for you.

File for divorce, or for legal separation, and request a visitation/custody arrangement according to what you feel is fair.

The court may order mediation if the two sides can't agree.

then the dad will have to respond with his own specific wishes, instead of waffling around like he's doing now.

He may end up missing half the visits the court awards him! But there's nothing you can do but offer him a fair settlement and hope he can get it together and take advantage of your obvious willingness to be fair to him.
posted by JimN2TAW at 6:14 PM on August 3, 2007

An excellent resource to help you through all the details of figuring out how to restructure your family is Mom's House, Dad's House. It includes practical, emotional and legal advice, including things you might not have thought of on your own.
posted by metahawk at 10:27 PM on August 3, 2007

JimN2TAW -- the question doesn't state that anonymous and the father are married, just that they are splitting up.
posted by rosethorn at 11:14 PM on August 3, 2007

I had a bad relationship with my father and am wanting my daughter to have a good one with hers.

This will also depend on if your daughter is exposed to your negative feelings for her dad. Since she's spending most of the time with you, she's more likely to pick up your views, opinions, etc about a lot of things, especially about those that she has limited contact with (her father). Regardless of the age, children need that reassurance that the two people responsible for bringing her into the world meant to do it and love her regardless. You should start there with him. Express your feelings to him and what you hope to accomplish for her sake. But you can't expect him to do anything like you since you're no longer in a relationship. You just hope that he'd do the right thing.

Best of luck!
posted by icollectpurses at 10:25 AM on August 4, 2007